Matt. 7:28-29

Your attention please,

Merrill Matthews, Ph.D. (M n’ M to his friends), of the illustrious IPI has made a very important discovery about Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton that will change your life. (No, not that IPI. Or that one. The one in Texas.)

Here’s the Tl;dr if you’re heading out for a night on the town: “Using my superior intellect I shall confound all Democrats this spiffy logic switcharooni.”

His theory, that is his, runs as follows. (Hem, hem!)

1. The Democratic party has become excessively left-leaning and Bernie Sanders is the Leftiest Democrat of Lefty Democrats. Because he sucks.

The wonder isn’t that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is doing so well against Hillary Clinton in Iowa and New Hampshire. It’s that he isn’t blowing her out of the water everywhere.

That’s because Sanders epitomizes the “new Democratic Party”—that is, the party that embraces all things left.

What are all things left? Fortunately he made a list so you don’t have to trouble your purty little head thinking about it.

Health care reform;
Wall Street bashing;
Big government defenders;
Tax the rich;
Anti-business fervor; and because SMALL GOVERNMENT BIG FOREIGN POLICY isn’t a contradiction if you shout it loud enough
Neutered foreign policy.

F’rinstance –

Wall Street bashing. Clinton has taken to bashing Wall Street, which is ludicrous because Hillary Clinton is Wall Street.

She was a senator from New York, where she and Bill regularly wined and dined Wall Streeters, many of whom are lefties.

But, wait. If one of les Choses Gauche is bashing Wall Street, why are lefties on Wall Street? And why does Dr. Matthews care?

Is this something to do with self-flagellation?

Goldman Sachs paid her $675,000 for speeches, part of $2.9 million she’s received from various banks and financial institutions.

Oh, and the Clinton Global Initiative’s offices are about four miles from Wall Street.

See, it is incisive insights such as the fact that things on the island of Manhattan are within a few miles of other things on the island of Manhattan that set Dr. Matthews apart from other right wing hacks who peddle their gelid right wing crap as white hot libertarian merde. A quick peek at a map reveals that the Clinton Foundation is near many places, several of them famous. Alas that he did not take the time to share more of his thoughts on the proximity of things to other things, I bet it would have been amusing.

The Democratic Party, by contrast, has soured on big financial institutions, part of a newfound contempt for big banks and the wealthy people who run them. But Democrats are late to this bash-the-banks effort; Sanders has been doing that for decades.

2. So we see in letters assembled into words and sentences (sorta) that Hillary Clinton, by contrast, also sucks. But her suckitude is dirty rotten sell-out suck, not the pure All Things Left varietal.

3. Now for the stunning conclusion that will make your head spin right off your neck if you don’t hang on to your jaw.

The Democratic Party of 2016 is much more aligned with Sanders than Clinton. I may disagree with just about everything Sanders wants to do, but he’s a principled and consistent liberal politician.

Since Democrats believe that most of the country is with them, the most honest thing they can do is vote their convictions and give Sanders the nomination.

Consternation, Uproar! The gob is completely smacked by that logic switcherooni. Or it would be if I weren’t laughing at the bit where the resident scholar for a right wing org that insists it’s non-partisan tries to instruct people on the meaning of honesty.