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This may be the greatest conversation I’ve ever had

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SEK went to the supermarket to pick up tuna fish for his elderly cat who now only eats food that also contains tuna. As tuna is on sale, he purchases twenty cans of it and is on the checkout line in front of POLITE DRUNK MAN.

POLITE DRUNK MAN: You don’t eat all them cans, now?

SEK: Wasn’t planning on it.

POLITE DRUNK MAN: TV say they full of Menicillin.

SEK: Mercury?

POLITE DRUNK MAN: Menicillin, bad for the children, real bad.

SEK: I promise not to share it with any kids.

POLITE DRUNK MAN: Menicillin’s terrible, make ’em have miscarriages.

SEK: The kids?

POLITE DRUNK MAN: Ain’t even get a chance to be kids, they born miscarried, or with arms.

SEK: I’ll keep that in mind.

POLITE DRUNK MAN: Dead babies with arms, that’s what Menicillin do. Best watch out.

SEK: I will, promise.

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  • MAJeff

    Menicillin, the new drug from GaycoSmithKlein.

    It’s mandatory. So glad we managed to get Nancy to slip it into the ACA before anyone had a chance to read the bill.

    • dmsilev

      I trust it’s taken by having someone thrust the pill down your throat?

      • MAJeff

        And funded by a tax on pizza.

  • Warren Terra

    The Urban Dictionary is here to help:

    potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistence to such lethal lines as “You make me want to be a better person.”

    After suffering some really terrible one-liners at the club, Jenny took a Menicillin to build resistance.

    So, it’s a pre-existing bad pun? Maybe stolen from some standup routine?

    • SEK

      Honestly, I have no idea. On Facebook, someone conjectured that he was confusing mercury with thalidomide, which makes sense, inasmuch as any of it does.

      • Aimai

        Yes: that sounds right. Mercury in Tuna in cans, Thalidomide makes babies without arms. Q.E.D.

        • Spidey

          WITH arms. So . . . that should clear things up.

          • PhoenixRising

            I thought it made arms without babies. Or was that the mercury?

      • Pat

        I doubt that the stand-up routine was performed in a Louisiana drawl.

        • Lee Rudolph

          Do they drawl in Louisiana? I haven’t been there for 50 years but I don’t recall it; on the other hand, that was mostly New Orleans.

          • Depends on where you go. Parts of northern Louisiana that border Texas have something of a drawl. Not so much Southwestern Louisiana, where what ain’t Cajun shares that weird brand of Southern twang with Southeastern Texas. What borders Mississippi and Arkansas has mostly a Delta lilt, which really isn’t a drawl but I won’t quibble. New Orleans’ seven or eight accents sounds like nothing else in the state or, frankly, the entire South.

          • eh

            I don’t know if it’s an official drawl, but a New Orleanean accent makes the most sense on the hottest day in June, full of melted resignation.

      • My guess is melamine. It’s been involved in several high-profile food contamination cases (in China) where mostly children died. Conflated with mercury and maybe PCBs, I think you have your explanation.

    • KmCO

      potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistence to such lethal lines as “You make me want to be a better person.”
      After suffering some really terrible one-liners at the club, Jenny took a Menicillin to build resistance.

      Yeah, I’m calling bullshit on Urban Dictionary right here. There is no way that Jennie has every been approached by anyone, anywhere, nor has it been to a club.

  • Pretty much everyone in my family was born with arms, so all their parents must’ve been big tuna-eaters.

    • Warren Terra

      You should be thanking the Second Amendment, which guaranteed them the right to keep and bear arms.

      (not, as some people claim, to keep antbear arms)

      • cpinva

        no, I believe that’s “keep and bare arms”, which is why sunscreen was invented.

        • Pat

          Michelle Obama is famous for that.

        • Theophrastus Bombastus von Hoehenheim den Sidste

          I thought it was “keep and arm bears.”

          • I am intrigued by your ideas, etc. etc.

          • muddy

            This is an abomination.

            (I tried unsuccessfully to post this comment as Stephen Colbert, joke ruined but at least I can edit!)

          • Owlbear1

            POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!

      • Robert M.

        Inquiring minds want to know: are they arms made to use against antbears, or arms made for use by antbears?

        (In the latter case, I have additional questions vis-a-vis the interaction between claws and trigger guards.)

      • ChrisTS

        Weird but true: Years ago I was studying up on ‘mistake as to death’ cases and discovered that trying to hide what one mistakenly believed to be a dead body in those enormous anthills was a thing in Australia. I think I turned up four such cases.

        Of course, once the antbear went at the anthill…you ended up with a really dead person.

        • John Revolta

          ‘mistake as to death’ cases

          *Gripping arms of chair to keep from Googling…………….*

          • ChrisTS

            Heh. I had to do my research without Intertubes.

            Also: get off my lawn!

            [Ok, now I’ll go google.]

            • Aimai

              Uh…don’t google it. If you do you won’t find the stories you are looking for, and you will never sleep again.

  • Todd

    Sounds like one of these Cormac McCarthy-inspired performance artists they have nowadays. You may want to check and make sure he is not organizing a private doomsday cult as a prophet-warrior.

  • cpinva

    SEK, does your body have some kind of weird, magnetic field, that draws all the local “odd” people in your direction? you might want to get that checked, but don’t have an MRI done, it could destroy the universe.

    • SEK

      SEK, does your body have some kind of weird, magnetic field, that draws all the local “odd” people in your direction?

      Not that I’m aware of. But I am easily bored, especially while standing in line, and I strike up conversations with everybody.

      • Barry Freed

        Well I hope you do all the grocery shopping for your family because you seem to have the best encounters while waiting in line at the supermarket.

        • SEK

          And I go to the supermarket a lot, usually at least once a day, since I like to prepare meals with fresh food/booze.

          • Johnnie

            We all know how quickly liquor goes bad after you open it.

            • ChrisTS

              Oh, is that it? I just assumed he drank up whatever was on hand.

              ETA: Which is what I would do.

              • Hogan

                It’s the Louisiana way.

                • ChrisTS

                  Also: the Pennsyltucky way, Also, the Mass. way. Also… well, you get it.

            • PhoenixRising

              No, I’ve never seen or experienced liquor going bad. We don’t keep it in the house that long. Tell me more.

              • rhino

                I’ve had vermouth go bad, because I only make martinis for guests. That’s it though.

                • ChrisTS

                  What, in the name of all that is holy, would ‘gone bad’ vermouth mean?

                  Uh, no, never mind.

              • njorl

                I’ve never had liquor go bad. Liquor, on the other hand, has had me go bad a number of times.

      • sparks

        I had a friend who did/does what you do. He is often embarrassing to be around. Once at an outdoor cafe he was attacked by a drunk/high/mentally ill woman who turned a table over onto him, knocking him to the ground after one of his questions irritated her. She then tried to walk across the street, nodded out and fell into the gutter.

        Hard to find that kind of entertainment in a theater.

    • TribalistMeathead

      Well, he lives in Louisiana, which has quite a few odd people.

      • SEK

        And there’s that.

      • dp

        Exactly.

      • solitarykitsch

        I’m not sure that level of odd can be reached elsewhere.

  • If he was using a hands-free device, it’s possible that he was talking to someone else. Was he staring into space?

    • Ken

      It is sometimes hard to tell the people using a hands-free cellphone from the unmedicated psychotics.

  • Warren Terra

    To be fair, don’t all fish make babies without arms? Make fry without arms, at least?

    ETA except the handfish, of course.

    • ChrisTS

      Bspen is going to be so jealous that she didn’t find that first.

    • mikeSchilling

      Fry wants to makes babies with one eye.

  • petesh

    That headline presents a high bar. You may have successfully cleared it.

  • Anna in PDX

    At the risk of sounding like your neighborhood crank, I recently found out that tuna that is meant for humans can be harmful to cats. I forget why, but the Humane Society and my vet suggested to me that I purchase canned tuna that is specifically for cats, to avoid this issue. (I have an elderly cat that loves tuna, too.)

    • infovore

      Sounds like taurine deficiency may be the concern.

      • SEK

        That’s why it’s “also with food,” as I mix it in with wet cat food.

        • ChrisTS

          This is OT, but what brand[s] of wet cat food do you use?

          I am getting worn out trying to keep my 6 babies happy with new varieties.

          (It’s also f-ing expensive when they reject something.)

          ETA: “Babies’ ranging from 3 to 23 years of age.

          • SEK

            Prescription Diet K/D is what I’m feeding my old man. He won’t eat it unless it’s mixed with tuna, though, so I can’t say it’s rejection-proof.

            • ChrisTS

              Thanks. I have a … uh, penis-less .. guy who is supposed to only eat certain foods (u-tract stuff), and a triaditis* (?)girl who is only supposed to eat very mild food, and several others who are just picky as hell.

              * I probably have messed up this made-up term. Some cats,it turns out, are prone to a general inflammation/infection problem that affects the pancreas, liver,and lower bowel.

    • Tuna isn’t nutritionally complete for cats, but it’s fine for them to eat if it’s packed in unsalted water. (Frankly, the salted stuff isn’t going to be a big deal either, but better safe than sorry.)

      Websites will also tell you to make sure that it’s organic and dolphin-safe tuna hand-blessed by a priest of Poseidon, etc. but at that point you might as well serve it up in a little silver chalice garnished with a $100 bill and your last scraps of dignity.

      This conversation has made me think of my dear cat Finnegan, who died a month ago (he was 15, it was a natural death). He went nuts over tuna.

      • SEK

        OK, that’s creepy — my tuna-lover is also named Finnegan, and is also 15. Eek!

  • Bitter Scribe

    Armed dead babies are the worst kind, especially if they’re zombies or get the Pet Sematary treatment.

    • Captain Haddock

      When armed dead babies are outlawed, only outlaws will arm dead babies.

      • Gregor Sansa

        But will babies out dead arm laws?

  • KmCO

    SEK, when you step outside into the streets of your town, have you ever checked the horizon really carefully? Have you ever noticed strange reflective patterns or an unnatural curvature at the edges of your community?

    • SEK

      Nope. If I’m living in the Matrix, I don’t want to know. As long as I have a steady paycheck and a stocked bar, I’m golden.

      • ChrisTS

        I was thinking more like Under the Dome. Because, it seems the Dome makes for lots of crazy people.

  • efgoldman

    The thing about SEK’s conversation posts is, no matter how clever/funny/ridiculous the LG&M commentariat is, none of us can top the actual conversations that are reported.

    • ChrisTS

      I find this reassuring.

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  • Sev

    I was thinking he meant Minimata- unless it was The Third Man I’m hearing, always beside me…

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