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What part of “bspencer is terrible” do you not understand?

[ 236 ] December 27, 2013 |

The following is a guest post by my pet troll, who goes by many names, but for the purpose of this entry will go by “Desperately Sad Fuckface.” He’s taken a break from shitting his pants to write, so I hope you’ll reward his good behavior by reading this…

LGM readers, I’m frustrated. I’ve tried telling you how much bspencer sucks. I’ve listed her many unforgivable sins:

  • She links to entries by other bloggers (an act heretofore unheard of in the blogging world)
  • She posts pictures of her kid
  • She sometimes writes in all caps
  • She sometimes writes silly entries that are not like the silly entries by her co-authors
  • She sometimes blogs about her interests (INTERESTS I DON’T SHARE)

yet some of you still refuse to acknowledge that she is worst thing since Hitler. So I grow restless. I’m no longer content to troll bhitler; I now turn my ire on you, her readers, her enablers.

If you display anything less than an active, visceral hatred of bhitler you run the risk of getting on my bhit list. So I urge you…please, think before you post. Think “Why am I joking with a woman who is pretty much Hitler’s much younger, more attractive twin sister?”  Think “Is this wise? Do I want to risk Desperately Sad Fuckface’s wrath?” If your answer is “yes,” let me just say…you’ve been warned.

bspencer here. So, anyway, I was not aware that any of you were sucking up to me. But I have to be honest: the idea intrigues and pleases me, and I’d like to encourage your suckupitude.

How can you suck up to me? Well, there’s always complimenting my kid, but, ya know what? I’m not gonna do your work for you. Be creative. Think outside the box. The box is smelly and it’s filled with troll shit.

Let’s get this sucking up thing started!



Comments (236)

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  1. thebewilderness says:

    I have a suspicion that bspencer’s greatest crime is that she is a she on the interwebs. That has been considered a high crimee and misdemeanor since forever.

  2. Malaclypse says:

    You forgot to mention that you have cooties.

  3. wjts says:

    I don’t like the way you don’t blog about the fact that they don’t make the kind of socks I like any more.

  4. LittlePig says:

    Unfortunately, there’s always one of those Something Is Wrong On The Internet folks hanging about.

  5. LittlePig says:

    And I enjoy seeing young Dudeskull, myself.

  6. Barry Freed says:

    The only way bspencers artwork could be any better is if it had laser beams coming out of the eyes. I guess I’ll just have to go elsewhere for my laser-eyeball-beam fix.

  7. Malaclypse says:

    I heard bspencer wrote the last season of BSG.

  8. Nobdy says:

    I for one found the post about Kenny Rogers being a good photographer totally unforgivable and very Hitlerian.


  9. NotOnScript says:

    I’d like to say something nice about bspencer — for example, I could compliment bspencer about the banner at the top of the page that is actually cool and also functional and after awhile I don’t notice it not out of disrespect but because it works so well — but I’m not sure if I should say something nice about bspencer or her work.

    Let’s face it: I’m a GUY on the INTERNET. I wouldn’t want to upset some other GUY on the internet. (And here I am assuming that “Desperately Sad Fuckface” is some white guy. I know! In this postracial society we’re not supposed to make such assumptions!)

    So I don’t know what to do.

  10. njorl says:

    I’m so excited! Just 4 more days and bspencer will pick which commenter gets promoted to Pioneer status for next year!

  11. rm says:

    I think it’s time to revoke that law we passed that said Mr. D. S. Fuckface is required to read this blog every day on pain of death. He has suffered enough.

  12. Anderson says:

    Jesus died for somebody’s sins, but not bspencer’s.

  13. Manju says:

    bspencer here. So, anyway, I was not aware that any of you were sucking up to me.

    Judging from the avatar, WHICH I JUST NOW NOTICED, the commentator in question is not assuming a position conducive to sucking up.

  14. Halloween Jack says:

    I thought you were cool before anyone else, and will do so after the other hipsters have dropped off like engorged ticks.

  15. cpinva says:

    I believe true “sucking up” requires an exchange of items of value (preferably cash, or uncut diamonds), from the person sucking up, to the person being sucked up to.

  16. I apologize for posting on the wrong thread.

  17. anthrofred says:

    I have a tendency to post random off-topic crap about popular culture and bad puns, so I welcome our Vacuum Slaying Overlord for creating threads where I don’t have to feel bad for doing so. I like Endless War On Healthcare threads, too, but why shouldn’t commenters also have places that aren’t always serious? There’s a solid community of regulars, and sometimes it’s nice just to have somewhere to hang out suck up.

    Not that dinosaur colors aren’t serious business.

  18. jazzbumpa says:

    Oh, bspencer, I know how hard it is to avoid being seduced into picking up that dirt-cheap 100 lb bag of Purina Troll chow when you’re chasing your toddler through Costco, but the admonition: “Don’t feed the trolls!” is a bit of time-honored wisdom, and possibly even an internet tradition [I’m a bit vague on these things] that shouldn’t be given such short shrift.

    And here you devoted an entire post to troll nourishment.

    When, really he should be force fed his own bile.

    Alas, though, I don’t think the required technology is fully developed.

    Meanwhile, let me offer a small and humble increment of suckitude.



    • efgoldman says:

      …the admonition: “Don’t feed the trolls!” is a bit of time-honored wisdom, and possibly even an internet tradition….

      Well, yeah, but that’s usually because the JenBobs and Reality Checks of the world are only encouraged to issue snappy (or snippy?) replies.
      This particular troll (if it isn’t a spoof or parody troll) seems more the hit and run type.

  19. FLRealist says:

    BSpencer – I’m not sucking up to you, but the pictures of the kid must continue. He reminds me of mine when they were little.

    Carry on!

  20. DrDick says:

    What is this? Do all of the regular posters get their own personal troll? I wish they could just all agree on who is the absolute worstest in the whole world. I am so confused about who I am supposed to hate.

  21. Bijan Parsia says:

    Since my prior efforts at sucking up have evidently failed (if a sucking up occurs in the forest did it really happen or did you get splintery lips for no good reason?)

    bspenser, there comes a time in a academic’s live when the booze, pills, and massive donut and Chuckles binges are not enough to fend off the despair that wells up like a radioactive tsunami threatening to sweep you into a poisoned chasm of career and relationship ending misery. When I found myself lying in a pool of alcholic, gummy vomit in the shade of the Blackpool tower I seriously considered filling my pockets with rock and walking out into the Irish sea until I could walk no more but would be free of the pressures of well compensated light desk work with extremely flexible hours forever and at last.

    As I staggered toward the beach, I found that my phone still had charge and a pretty decent Internet connection. I surfed to LGM to leave a farewell comment; perhaps on a Campous post about the implosion of law school applications by people misclassified as obese by new BMI interpretive guidelines. Or perhaps on a fiberously wholesome day in depressing labor history post by Loomis.

    Instead, the screen grew brighter as I saw, shining before me like a lighthouse beacon cutting through the fog of misery, a post by you, bspenser. As I read this post I felt a new warmth spread through me (and not down my leg as before) and I thought: Yes! Yes there is reason to live, to love, to grade exams in a rigorously arbitrary way! I can walk proud again, head held high, through a universe no less indifferent than I had known, but yet touched with grace. For you had taken the heart of unadulterated whimsy and given it an earthly form hale enough to reach me in my dogmatic stupor.

    For this, the gift of a light heart, I can never give enough thanks.

    Your most humble and obedient servant,

    Bijan “Greasy Suck Up” Parsia.

  22. Major Kong says:

    You have your own pet troll? Cool.

  23. DN says:

    bHiltler is responsible for many crimes against the internets. These include posting pics of kids that aren’t mine, linking to other people I have already read, and appearing to be the kind of person that enjoys ketchup and vodka. In fact, bHitler probably does shots of vodka and ketchup together and calls it a bloody vodka martini. There just isn’t enough hate for such an individual. If it wasn’t for affirmative action I wouldn’t have to get eye cooties when I read LGM.


  24. Brian O'C says:

    Ms. bspencer. It’s time for your annual performance review. Some customers have expressed dissatisfaction with your efforts in this past year. Please write a three-page blogpost detailing your errors, and your benchmarks for the coming year to measure improvement in this critical area. Overall, Blogco is pleased with your work; however if this situation continues we will have no recourse but to substantially reduce your pay.

    Thank you, sincerely,

    The Boss

  25. BubbaDave says:

    bspenser is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

  26. Simon says:

    It is true that the other bloggers make a lot of garbage posts, but they’re redeemed by the fact that they make interesting posts in addition to those ones. I don’t care about baseball or whatever but the international relations, labour history, and legal analysis stuff makes up for it.

    Your speciality, though, seems to be entry-level internet feminism and reading the comment sections of irrelevant right-wing blogs. That is to say, while the other contributors have their share of “silly posts”, you make nothing but “silly posts”.

    Frankly, it’s kind of embarrassing that, for all your apparent concern about the topic, one of the male bloggers (Lemieux) routinely writes more thoughtful and interesting posts about women’s rights than you ever have.

    If you want your thing here to be “feminism” (in the way that Loomis’s thing is labour, &c.) you could do a lot worse than just posting nothing but Andrea Dworkin and Silvia Federici quotes—it would certainly be an improvement over trawling through random blogs looking for something anti-feminist you can quote and make fun of.

  27. Joseph Slater says:

    First two letters in her blogging name are “bs.” THINK ABOUT IT, people!

  28. mds says:

    Yes! You must festoon your already excellent posts with even more photographic images of your adorable man-child! Not least because I can smugly note to myself that mine was cuter.

    [“Oh, he was on his way to a perfect suck-up, but totally bungled the dismount. He’s out of the competition for sure.”]

  29. Medicine Man says:

    I heard bspencer wrote something on the internet… while being female.

  30. Jeffrey Beaumont says:

    On the other hand posts like this just encourage this sort of trolling. I mean isn’t this the epitome of feeding the trolls?

  31. Don Wallace Jr. says:

    “If you display anything less than an active, visceral hatred of bhitler you run the risk of getting on my bhit list.”

    Please add me too the “bhit” list :)

    “She links to entries by other bloggers (an act heretofore unheard of in the blogging world”

    Good! This is how I find other Bloggers that I like to read.

    “She posts pictures of her kid”

    Most Mom’s and Dad’s do; got a problem with cute kids?

    “She sometimes writes in all caps”


    “She sometimes writes silly entries that are not like the silly entries by her co-authors”

    Must conform … must not have a original thought … I see the Troll was brainwashed at an early age.

    “She sometimes blogs about her interests (INTERESTS I DON’T SHARE”

    Damn, there are the CAPS! Yes we all are soooooo interested in what you have to say Troll … NOT!

    Peace :-)


  32. wetcasements says:

    bspencer makes an already good place a really really awesome place.

    Nuff said.

  33. e.a.f. says:

    If this is your blog and you don’t like what she is writing on a continual basis, do something about it. You can simply “block” her. No need to publish her comments. Some blogs even insist comenters stay on topic. Don’t complain, take action.

  34. Big Bad Bald Bastard says:

    What part of “bspencer is terrible” do you not understand?

    BSpencer made me aware of “New Clopping Republic“, which is pretty terrible. I think the “B” stands for “brony”.

  35. Aaron B. says:

    Oh bspencer, you are so big
    So… Unbelievably huge
    We’re all really impressed down here, I can tell you.

  36. Another Kiwi says:

    I well remember standing on the loading docks at Al’s Slurpatorium with bspencer, back before she was bhitler and she said “Fookin’ Jaysus sorr, there’s a fookin’ ice berg going to kill us all. Sure and begorrah!”
    Oh wait that was on the yellow pills. What she really said was ‘I’m off to see the world, Pee wee”
    “Oh” says I, tapping out a smouldering Cormorant on me boot heel. “The world is it?”
    “Yes” she says with the light of mad ambition striking sparks from her Hugo Boss epaulets “I’m going to blog”
    “Blogging is it?” I said spraying my boot with what I thought was CO2.
    “You crazy old bastard!” she shouted backing away from my flaming leg.
    “Old is it?” I said as the paramedics attempted to cut me out of the waste plastic bin in to which I had toppled
    I never saw her again.

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