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Every Jonah Goldberg Column Should End with: “The Aristocrats!”

[ 243 ] December 20, 2013 |

Holy effing crap.

Oh, what the hell? Here’s a little teaser…

Pajama Boy is a Low-T liberal who wears a “this is what a feminist looks like” T-shirt and flinches whenever his girlfriend makes a sudden movement…

HOLY. EFFING. CRAP.

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  1. Dana Houle says:

    Clearly he’s pissed he didn’t make Pareene’s 2013 list, and he is not going to let that happen again.

  2. Tom Servo says:

    So…Jonah is JenBob?

  3. Anna in PDX says:

    This weird hostility displayed by Master Jonah and the weirdos linked here yesterday just makes me want to give that poor kid a big hug. I thought he was very cute. And the pajamas were cute too. What the heck is wrong with these people?

  4. bspencer says:

    OMFG, HE’S JUST A DUDE IN DUMB PAJAMAS! Why are these fuckwits freaking out so hard over this?

  5. LeftWingFox says:

    More “wisdom” from the walking whoopee cushion.

  6. Aimai says:

    Whenever I feel sorry for Jonah Goldberg–and really, who wouldn’t feel sorry for that sack of unattractive, pustule laden, windbag of nepotistic crap–then I just go off and read one of his columns and I am reminded that the unattractive pustule laden windbag doesn’t fall far from the tree. His columns reveal himself to be a mean spirited, homophobic, bootlicking, asshole with no redeeming features.

    • bspencer says:

      Don’t forget misogynistic. Plus, he’s making light of domestic violence.

    • zombie rotten mcdonald says:

      a mean spirited, homophobic, bootlicking, asshole with no redeeming features.

      …and those are his good points.

      • My favorite line is, “…the construction worker from the Village People would kick his ass.”

        Jonah, doughy-dude, the construction worker in the Village People would easily kick your sorry fat ass, until you begged for mercy!!!
        And then I hope that maybe from working in construction, that he suffered from some hearing damage.

        • sharculese says:

          Jonah’s sorry ass is not going to fight the construction worker from the Village People because he has a kid, dammit.

          • mark f says:

            Heh. The other day I noted Rich Lowry’s pathetic boasting about how he would totally beat the snot out of Al Franken if he, Lowry, were not such a gentleman and Franken knows it too! I remember a few years ago Jonah wrote “why hasn’t the CIA killed Julian Asssange?” It was a dumb column, but John Cook’s Gawker post, “Why Hasn’t Jonah Goldberg Been Punched in the Face Yet Today?” managed to out-dumb it by missing the dumb point (which wasn’t that Assange should be killed, but that the CIA must be super responsible, magnanimous even, for not killing him). Anyhow, someone wrote a challenge to a charity boxing match, which Goldberg declined. I unfortunately can’t find a link to Jonah’s response, which naturally included the requisite bragging that while he wouldn’t be stepping up, he would beat that guy silly, believe you me, if he wanted to.

            BTW, in searching for it, I found this:

            Now that gay people are on the cusp of winning a decades-long struggle for the right to serve openly and honestly in the military, Goldberg has taken the time to reflect on what he calls the “rise of the HoBos – the homosexual bourgeoisie.” These new creatures that Goldberg has discovered—normal gay people, the kind that want to serve in the military—are drastically different from the gays of yore, who “wanted to smash the bourgeois prisons of monogamy, capitalistic enterprise, and patriotic values and bask in the warm sun of bohemian ‘free love’ and avant-garde values.”

            Ending DADT is now a widely agreed-upon Good Thing so it must be downright conservative! Just like mom’s lasagna! The tastiest, conservativest lasagna Jonah ever ate.

          • keta says:

            That made me snort. Ah, memories…

          • Haystack says:

            Jonah can serve his country better by concocting bad faith arguments, making homophobic (and racist – see Katrina) slurs and missing the goddamn point EVERY SINGLE TIME than by fighting imaginary construction workers from thirty-five years ago.

        • herr doktor bimler says:

          Would one fictitious character would kick another fictitious character’s ass? This is an argument into which I do not really want to enter.

    • DrDick says:

      And those are just his good qualities!

  7. Helmut Monotreme says:

    The pajama person knows he isn’t winning any fashion prizes. He knows what he likes, and what feels good and he does it. If that means wearing pajamas and drinking hot chocolate, he’s cool with that. Think about the self confidence he must have to let all of America see him in his pajamas. If he doesn’t care about being seen in pajamas, what else doesn’t he care about? Laws? Morality? The sanctity of life itself? This my friends is a man who is capable of anything, because he doesn’t give one single fuck about what anyone else thinks. He is a dangerous, dangerous man.

    (I also posted this on Balloon Juice)

  8. JMP says:

    “I mean that there are plenty of gay dudes — and women! — who are vastly more masculine than Pajama Boy. Pajama Boy doesn’t exude homosexuality; he gives off the anodyne scent of emasculation.”

    So see, he’s not being homophobic, he’s just making fun of the guy for not being stereotypically “manly”. (As if that hasn’t always been tied in with homophobia). Which is a bad because – well apparently, according to Jonah, it just is.

  9. sharculese says:

    Posted it at Roy’s place too, but Jonah is no Aziz Ansari

  10. wengler says:

    There are so many ways to make ‘Pajama Boy’ funny, and he tried to go for the meanest ones. Unsuccessfully.

    Jeff Dunham and Dennis Miller have nothing to worry about.

  11. MAJeff says:

    They hate us! They really hate us!
    /Drag Queen Sally Field

  12. Royko says:

    How seriously warped and fragile must your sense of masculinity, hell, your sense of humanity, be if you get this much sheer glee out of hating a fairly unremarkable image of a person in a web ad?

    Now I’m starting to see who the target audience for those silly Ford truck commercials is. I guess Obama should have use a photo of a pickup pulling an entire hospital up a dusty mountain.

    • efgoldman says:

      …if you get this much sheer glee out of hating a fairly unremarkable image of a person in a web ad?

      It’s a hired model or a stock picture. If that same picture of the same guy was in a department store sales circular, would all these wingnuts be going after Macy’s or Kohls or whoever? Would they even notice?
      As I said the other, they (individually and collectively) have traveled all the way through insanity and come out into whatever is on the other side.

  13. zombie rotten mcdonald says:

    Tengrain made a compelling case that this is just the Obama Admin straight-up trolling the wingnuts.

  14. sharculese says:

    Dear wingnuts,

    The editor of the flagship magazine of American conservatism and several of its most prominent writers are are now on day two of talking about a fucking picture of dude in footie pajamas. And not just talking about it, but trying to motherfucking analyze the cultural significance of this single off-hand image.

    You are either on the cutting edge of artistic exploration or you are straight up, balls to the walls, nuts.

    Love,
    Sharculese

    • Malaclypse says:

      They are indeed the Party of Ideas.

      • Warren Terra says:

        But they’re at the point in the Party Of Ideas where all the decent stuff has been drunk, the food is gone except for some wilted celery sticks and some dip that may have gone off, someone no-one recognizes is passed out in the middle of the floor, the sofa’s a write-off, and there’s a puddle in the corner that no one wants to investigate closely.

      • Lee Rudolph says:

        The Party of the Idée Fixe, you mean.

        • jazzbumpa says:

          Granted, my visual acuity is poor, but how did anyone discern [in an earlier thread] that these are onesies?

          And it seems his feet are actually out of the frame.

          Somebody help this poor man.

          • KmCO says:

            Truly. I wouldn’t be surprised if this poor kid has already started receiving death threats from the criminally unhinged segment of the 27%.

          • elm says:

            It’s the giant zipper down the front that gives it away. If it’s not a onesie, it’s a hipster-ironic imitation of a onesie.

          • Ronan says:

            “Granted, my visual acuity is poor, but how did anyone discern [in an earlier thread] that these are onesies”

            I think I made that comment. Or at least was one of many who noticed it was a onesie.
            Its clearly a onesie, by any reasonable standard

            • Ronan says:

              being serious though, the campaign is a little odd though, isnt it.
              as a slogan ‘ wear pajamas. drink hot chocolate. talk about getting health insurance’ doesnt really make a huge amount of sense.
              i would have read it as a parody, initially.

              • Hogan says:

                One ad is not a campaign.

              • Aimai says:

                Hogan is right: one ad is not a campaign. But if it were, its not a bad one. The overall campaign is related to a lot of Democratic ideals and themes especially that the Democrats will help the voter with “kitchen table” issues and that “help is on the way” (Kerry and Edwards slogan) specifically to people who are at home, isolated, facing bills and fears. Ordinarily you wouldn’t even really need much of an ad campaign to get people to sign up for free (if its medicaid) or subsidized health care but given the massive anti-ACA push the Obama people had to come up with a way to help people get over the fear of the entire thing. They choose a “friends tell friends” and a “kids tell parents” and “parents tell kids” model. Two of the three models are home based and appeal to notions of home/hearth/family and (specifically) comfort. So the pajamas and hot cocoa are quite on target for a special, christmas themed, commercial. You’d expect there to be other images selected for later in the year.

                • Ronan says:

                  Well we’ll have to agree to disagree I guess. It doesnt really say isolation, fear, financial troubles to me. Certainly doesnt say help is on the way. Doesnt say anything really.
                  Maybe it works well in the larger campaign, or makes sense in the demohraphics who arent signing up (young yada yada)

                • Ronan says:

                  the whole ‘talk about healthcare’ slogan as well..who talks about healthcare? (as in the specifics, of whether to get it. Its a personal decision,not collective.. Certainly for my generation i would think – id prob fall into his demographics – the idea that this is something you would decide by talking amongst friends, seems odd)

                • Aimai says:

                  Yeah. The point is that they are seeing an opening where something scary, humiliating, and therefore secret can be normalized and stripped of its fear quotient. There have been lots of ad campaigns like this–friends dont let friends drive drunk is one. Many campaigns ate modeled on the idea of a conversation. Also this is modeled on the family coming home for the holidays. Iconographically and historically kids are supposed to bring home new experiences and even roomates from college and everyone cosies up in an extended family.

                • Ronan says:

                  Thats interesting. In Ireland drink driving campaigns have tended to be built around guilting/scaring peole out of drink driving.
                  Theyve concentrated on the words of survivors, or people who have killed others in accidents.
                  Im not saying its better neessarily (I guess over there this campaign would run with someone in a doctors surgery looking distraught with the message ‘ shoulda got health insurance’ )

                • Ronan says:

                  Thats half a joke, by the way.
                  I just dont understand this idea of health insurance being scary, humiliating etc
                  Poor health, sure. I can understand the idea of normalising (and starting a conversation about) certain diseases etc. But the act of buying insurance..?
                  Anyway, Ive probably got sidetracked on this.

                • Hogan says:

                  I just dont understand this idea of health insurance being scary, humiliating etc

                  Not health insurance–free or subsidized health insurance. IOW, welfare.

                • Ronan says:

                  Ah yeah, of course. I am a dumbass. That makes sense

                • Hogan says:

                  We’re exceptional in our crazy. It’s to your credit that you find it hard to keep track of.

            • jazzbumpa says:

              I didn’t notice the zipper until after I asked the question.

              Yeah, though.

  15. Major Kong says:

    Because when I think “masculine” Jonah Goldberg is the first person that comes to mind…..

  16. Joshua says:

    I don’t even think bspencer picked out the worst of the excerpts.

    It seems to me this is a pretty desperate attempt by the MSNBC fanboy set to compensate for the fact that so many people find Pajama Boy pathetic.

    Why would I find him pathetic? Dude, Jonah – he’s an actor in a web ad. Do you build pretend lives around every single stock photo you see online?

  17. After the Graeme Frost incident, nothing these shart stains do has really surprised me. Any surprise comes from the extreme lengths they’ll go to when selecting a target.

    Once it was an ill 10 year old who testified before Congress. Yesterday it was a guy who posed for an Obamacare ad. Tomorrow … The photographer who took the picture? His parents? A shadow that looks like Obama’s silhouette?

  18. laura says:

    Shorter Jonah: Nothing is more emasculated and communistic than a man who describes himself as a feminist. I mean, what does *he* get out of it?

    The thing that is enraging about Jonah isn’t that he’s dumb, it’s that he is such a fucking hack. Such a fucking, impossibly huge, field-clearing hack. You can just see him perusing the right wing blogs in the morning to see what’s got the rabble raised, and then running off a column designed for maximum cultural-reactionary erogenous-zone-stroking, leavened of course with his brand of smirking irony the sole purpose of which is to faintly signal that he’s just a bit more sophisticated than your average right wing mouth breeder. Which may be true, but since he will never say anything that challenges his readership at all, it’s moot: even though he clearly *likes* much of modern culture and might were he not constantly eyeing the dollar sign have something useful to say about it. He is a truly gutless wonder.

  19. Aaron Baker says:

    “That’s some act. What do you call it?”

    “A chimp with a monocle . . . imitating AN ARISTOCRAT!”

  20. Aaron Baker says:

    Pajama Boy doesn’t exude homosexuality; he gives off the anodyne scent of emasculation.

    The root meaning of “anodyne” is “not painful.” Goldberg, I would hope, has never been present at the making of a castrato . . . so what exactly can he mean by the painless scent–or even the insipid scent–of emasculation? Oh wait–it’s Goldberg, who tosses big words around ’cause it’s even easier than farting.

    • Well, maybe he likes the smell of emasculated dudes. Perhaps that’s why they’re so wild still about whatever metrosexuals are. I don’t know much about top-shelf men’s fragrances, but I imagine a cat that put that much thought into looking sharp would do something better than the usual bathe in Axe Body Whatever that I see Jonah and his pals doing every morning. Jonah isn’t hating on the smell of an emasculated man, he’s encouraging its spread.

      I don’t know, makes as much sense as anything else Jonah or wing nuts in general yammer about.

    • Royko says:

      Everyone knows true machismo comes with a pungent stank.

  21. KmCO says:

    HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT SON OF GOD, they are still talking about this??!!

    I’m glad I’m not a conservative, because I really do value such things as my physical health and maintaining healthy blood pressure levels. If these idiots are still utterly and inexplicably angry about a completely innocuous, nondescript photo of a cute young guy in pajamas, they have thoroughly lost perspective and can’t differentiate between something that’s a big fucking deal and something that’s a harmless photo of a guy drinking cocoa. Keee-rist.

  22. The Sheriff's A Ni- says:

    So for the past couple of days, we’ve seen the right wing freak out over a guy in pajamas and someone from Duck Dynasty.

    I think the bridge scandal may be the least of Chris Christie’s worries. He might lose the election to the dug-up corpse of Orval Faubus at this point.

  23. Daragh McDowell says:

    Decided to check in on Doughy Pantsloads Twitter feed. His main reaction to the newsletter is a retweet of Ben Domenech’s glowing praise. I think that just about sums up the intellectual state of conservatism in the US today.

  24. flinches whenever his girlfriend makes a sudden movement

    Go to hell, Jonah Goldberg, you lazy half-assed smarmy nepotistic pile of human excrement. Fuck you and your entire waste of a career and your toilet paper magazine. The most significant effect your life will ever have is depriving the maggots and the vultures of a good meal.

  25. joe from Lowell says:

    Oh, my. The wingnuts seem to have talked themselves into something stupid again, like “Liberals are panicked about Sarah Palin” or “Mitt Romney is surging.”

    The next step is to start accusing people who give them confused looks of being liberal activists who are only pretending to be confused.

  26. joe from Lowell says:

    Funny, I just happened to begin rereading “On the Road” tonight. Ahem:

    And he said, “Yes, of course, I know exactly what you mean and in fact all those problems have occurred to me, but the thing that I want is the realization of those factors that should one depend on Schopenhauer’s dichotomy for any inwardly realized…” and so on in that way, thing I understood not a bit and he himself didn’t. In those days he really didn’t know what he was talking about; that is to say, he was a young jailkid all hung-up on the wonderful possibilities of becoming a real intellectual, and he liked to talk in the tone and using the words, but in a jumbled way, the he had heard from “real intellectuals”

  27. Jeremy says:

    Reactionaries, pretty much always the same. From Rick Perlstein’s Nixonland, discussing Kent State:

    “Anyone who appears on the streets of a city like Kent with long hair, dirty clothes, or barefooted deserves to be shot,” a Kent resident told a researcher.

    “Have I your permission to quote that?”

    “You sure do. It would have been better if the Guard had shot the whole lot of them that morning.”

    “But you had three sons there.”

    “If they didn’t do what the Guards told them, they should have been mowed down.”

    He documents several other examples of this sort of vitriol directed towards young people who so much as look like hippies. Policing other people’s appearance seems to be a pretty deep-seated need for those with an authoritarian mindset. Mitt Romney’s high school days come to mind as well.

    • Aimai says:

      Does that interchange appear in Bob Altemeyer’s The Authoritarians? Because it looks very familiar–of course at one point I did a ton of research on Kent State so maybe I’m remembering that. But its a classic, either way. People are amazing in their ability to suspend reality and say and feel stupid things which, if they had any empathy or heart or imagination they would cut their tongues out before they said or thought. This is why authoritarians and republicans are always shocked at the inhumanity of their former friends who continue to hew a hard line when they suddenly discover that they have a gay child, or a disabled child, or a crisis that doesn’t track with their community’s definition of a crisis. They end up saying “I know I agreed to these punishing rules when I didn’t really think they would apply to me and mine, but now that I know its my kid, my crisis, can’t we have a little more wiggle room?”

      • Lee Rudolph says:

        Does that interchange appear in Bob Altemeyer’s The Authoritarians? Because it looks very familiar–of course at one point I did a ton of research on Kent State so maybe I’m remembering that. But its a classic, either way.

        My last conversation with my father, back in Ohio, was from a pay phone on Mass Ave (I deliberately had no phone in my Green St. apartment then) the day after the murders at Kent State and Jackson State. He said more or less the same thing. (And the papers reported that that was the prevailing opinion in Ohio, in the next day or two.) That was the moment I consciously decided I would never live there again.

      • KmCO says:

        The exchange is truly shocking, and I say that as someone who generally doesn’t find anything authoritarian assholes say shocking anymore. To claim that you wouldn’t mind if your own children were “mowed down” is spine-chilling.

      • Jeremy says:

        As far as I can tell, and the notes for some reason are unclear about that particular passage, it looks to be from James A. Michener’s Kent State: What Happened and Why.

        Lee, are you referring to Mass Ave and Green Street in Cambridge? I used to live over on Western Ave myself. Great neighborhood.

  28. Lurker says:

    The funny thing is that looks can be deceiving. In Finland, where there is conscription, the Reserve Officer School gets some of the brightest guys in the country. Not all of them, of course, but even in the infantry officer course, the people are bright, and in the technical branches, nerds are more a rule than an exception. In my course, the best students looked very much like this guy, although most were more blonde, Finnish people being that way.

    I remember one guy, a good friend of mine joking: “The Army really needs us, innocent nerdy guys from the countryside. It’s so easy to make us cold-blooded killers.” I looked at him, saw a friendly computer nerd who wouldn’t hurt a fly and my heart grew cold with chill, when I understood that this was not really a joke.

  29. Another Kiwi says:

    I was told that there would be Harvey Wallbangers and Stormtrooper uniforms here?

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