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OBAMACARE!

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Copyright (c) 1980, 1982, 1983, 2006, 2013 Sekocom, Inc.  All rights reserved.
OBAMACARE! is a registered trademark of Sekocom, Inc.
Revision 23 / Serial number 8940726

West of Apartment Complex

You are standing in an open field in west of a white apartment complex, with a boarded front door.  There is a small mailbox here.

> e

The door is locked. There is evidently no key.

> kick door

I don’t understand that.

> chicago jackboot thug kick

I don’t understand that.

> black panther power

You don’t understand that.

> power of greyskull

Fine. By the Power of Greyskull you open the door. You are in the kitchen of the white townhouse.  A table seems to have been used recently for the preparation of food.  A passage leads to the west, and a dark staircase can be seen leading upward.  To the east is a small window which is open. On the table is a computer open to Healthcare.gov.

> what is dot gov

Healtcare.gov is a website on the Internet that you can use to find affordable health care.

> what internet

This is going to be a problem.

> WHAT INTERNET

A series of tubes. Information goes through them. You will like it.

> e

You look out the window but see nothing of interest. You return to the computer and look at Healthcare.gov.

> no dont

Yes, you do.

> no, dont

Yes, you do. You choose the state you want to have health insurance coverage in and hit return.

> then what

Hold on.

> then what

Hold on.

> SO THEN WHAT

Fine:

> what in fuck is that

That is an image file. Computers have them now.

> naked ladies

I don’t understand.

> want see naked ladies

Really? You discovered the Internet two minutes ago and all you want to see is naked ladies?

> NAKED LADIES

Fine:

> saw that

You are waiting for the opportunity to acquire good healthcare coverage at a reasonable price.

> am wait for naked ladies

As soon as you have finished signing up for healthcare coverage you can see some naked ladies.

> now

Let me check:

> what about now

Let me check:

> LADIES NAKED NOW

What if you got eaten by a grue? What would happen to you?

> kill computer

You do not want to kill the computer.

> kill internet

You cannot kill the Internet.

> kill kill kill

You really want to kill something?

> KILL KILL KILL

Fine. You have a head cold.

> what

You have a head cold. This morning it migrated to your lungs. You are coughing an awful lot.

> i am

You are. You seem to have acquired a nasty case of bronchitis.

> go doctor

You do not have a doctor. You cannot afford one. Your cough is getting worse.

> fix it

You cannot afford to fix it. You are on the floor covered in specks of blood. You are drowning in your own fluids.

> help

There is a computer on the table. This could have been prevented.

> save me

> save me

> save me

[Other installments of Sekocom, Inc. games include DISADVENTURE!, DISADDENDUM!, DISMORALIZED!, DISINSOMNIA!, WHARTON!, GRADING!, DISBELIEF! and DISCONVENTION!.]

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  • Pat

    You know that none of the kids have ever played a game like that.

    • Sargon

      Hey now, as a certified Kid Who Is Probably On Your Lawn, I can say that I have definitely played many such games.

      • njorl

        I used to play you in chess. I could only beat you up to level 6, though.

    • Jon H

      There are actually teachers using Inform 7 in class, with students writing their own.

    • Jon H
    • Given the amount of time I’ve put into Papers, Please, lately, which seriously looks like it could have come out on a 5″ floppy, I would not be opposed to a resurgence of more text-based or text-like games.

      • Linnaeus

        What was great about Infocom was the narrative aspect of the games. I’m not a huge gamer by any means, but I’m glad to see that FPS and FPS-like games in particular have gotten better over the years in creating better stories in their games, e.g. Mass Effect, Bioshock, etc.

        • Jon H

          The narrative voice and writing were excellent on those games.

        • A little while back one of the writers for Dragon Age got into trouble because she suggested that in the same way games have buttons to skip through the story if you don’t care about it, there should be a method for people who primarily care about the story to fast forward past battle sequences and other things that don’t matter to them.

          Of course, she also had the temerity to be Gaming While Female, which didn’t help matters.

          • prufrock

            Mass Effect 3 actually had a setting that allowed you to seriously cut down on the FPS aspect of the game in order to experience the story more quickly.

            Of course, it’s just too bad that they never finished the last hour of that game and we’ll never know just how Shepard’s final confrontation with the Reapers ended.

    • JL

      Played them? I have millennial-age friends who have written text adventures. And for a while when I was an undergrad Nethack basically took over the lives of half my hall.

      Granted, my friends are not the most representative sample, but still.

  • Lee Rudolph

    Bravissimo!

    (But you left out the link to the NAKED LADIES.)

    • Jon H

      That is left as a cardio exercise for the reader.

    • allium

      ASCII art can only do so much, so don’t get your hopes up.

      • Andrae

        You clearly haven’t played quake via aalib—there is plenty ASCII art can do.

  • The current word is some of these problems may have been DOS attacks. While I would love to see some Koch lackeys in cuffs for this, it was probably just your common or garden asshole who couldn’t resist the target.

    • Patrick

      DOS attacks? That’s why I only run OBAMACARE! on AmigaOS.

      • Warren Terra

        Surely it would be truer to the origins of Adventure to run it on something truly old-fashioned. I nominate CP/M.

        • NonyNony

          Ha! CP/M. I suppose that’s fine if you want to debase everything wonderful about the game by running it on an 8-bit Intel platform or something.

          Adventure should be played on a PDP-10. As God Intended It. We’ve all got a spare one of those in our basements, right?

          • sparks

            CP/M ran on many platforms.

  • Herbal Infusion Bagger

    I don’t think Grue bites are covered in the Bronze plans.

    • steve

      Should have thought about that before you turned off the lights and went to bed last night. How much longer must our country subsidize people who refuse to live in a 24-hour sun room?

    • Warren Terra

      They are, but there’s a large deductible. I think it’s one limb.

      • NonyNony

        No, two limbs. Both an arm and a leg.

  • Bartleby

    Favorite part:

    > black panther power

    You don’t understand that.

    These are all excellent, by the way.

  • Pingback: Now That’s Some High Quality Parody | A Little Rebellion()

  • anthrofred

    > enter security question
    You can’t enter security questions. The form does not work in Chrome.

    >use Firefox
    You are using Firefox.

    >enter security question
    You can’t enter security questions. The form does not work in Firefox. Try Internet Explorer.

    >destroy computer

  • Royko

    I know it seems unlikely, but I’m pretty sure I went through that exact sequence in Planetfall once.

    Never could figure out how to get the naked ladies.

    • Jon H

      Ask Floyd

    • steve

      You have a better chance trying this sequence in “Leisure Suit Larry” or “Sorcerers Get All the Girls.”

      • Jon H

        Or “Leather Goddesses Of Phobos”

        • May I present “Ravished by the Triceratops“? (With profuse apologies, not evil laughter for infecting your brains with this. Moowhaha.)

          • NonyNony

            WTF? I can’t even … WTF? I just don’t … WTF? Wha? WTF? Dinosaur erotica? How is that… WTF?

            System Error. Program reset. Reboot in progress.

            What were we speaking about again?

            • Andrae

              Rule 34 claims another victim.

      • Anonymous

        I actually bought “Sorcerers…” back in my youth. Never could get into it; I’m just not a gamer. I did get pretty deep into “Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy” (yes, from a 5-1/4″ floppy on my PCjr) but never solved it. After finding it online recently I tried it again but rapidly got bored (plus I haven’t read the book in a while and so missed a lot of references). I found a solution online, and it never mentioned Marvin. He wanders through the game, and I could never figure out how to interact with him. Hmmmph.

    • Linnaeus

      Try Joe’s Bar in Upper Sandusky, Ohio.

  • Pee Cee

    >Hello, sailor!

    Nothing happens here.

    >defund Obamacare

    A hollow voice says “fool.”

  • Todd

    911: “911, what is the nature of your emergency?”

    George Zimmerman: “Oh, boy. Lots of people here at the complex. Some of them are black. They are on their computers. I think they might be signing up for government services. Like, a bunch of them, right now! I thought the government was closed. What the fuck, man?! Look, there are some more logging on now, and I think some of them ride bicycles at night. Did I mention some of them are black? Right here where I live? Hello?”

  • njorl

    We have a lot of visitors on the site right now.
    Please stay on this page.

    We’re working to make the experience better, and we don’t want you to lose your place in line. We’ll send you to the login page as soon as we can.
    So jump off that building! Your the goddamn Batman!

    • efgoldman

      +2

    • rea

      Unless your the goddam billionaire Bruce Wayne, your going to need insurance if you jump off that building.

  • burritoboy

    The guy’s rather dim – it took him as long as two minutes to figure out that the internet is really good for finding pictures of naked ladies?

    The fastest my mind ever moved was, one afternoon in 1994, reasoning from learning that an “internet” existed to the hypothesis that I might be able to get dirty pictures from it. Have I just revealed too much?

    • Jon H

      I think I was similar when I first went on CompuServe using a computer that could do graphics. (An Apple IIc, rather than the earlier Tektronix 4051 with a storage tube display)

    • steverino

      When the Internet was young, I tried to impress my neighbor by looking up an unusual bird we saw. Alas, my Alta-Vista search mainly turned up lists of birder’s sightings, not any pics or useful searchable descriptions. He was impressed, though, and immediately wanted to search for “naked midgets”. Got a lot of British sportscar hits.

      (It was a Rose-breasted Grosbeak: the cover image of one of my mother’s bird books I had stashed in a drawer. Came across it months later, of course.)

  • Svensker

    Man, I want a new Infocom game.

    • NonyNony

      There are a number of hobbyists who post good work over at the interactive fiction archive (ifarchive.org). Many of them are of high quality, though a lot of them are more experimental than anything Infocom did back in the day.

    • El Guapo

      If you have an I-product, check out the Frotz app. Lots of interactive fiction games to try.

  • LeftWingFox

    I think OBAMACARE! would have kept me from being killed repeatedly by chiggers in “Adventure” on the Vic-20.

    • LeftWingFox

      Sorry, “Adventureland”

    • Warren Terra

      I’m about as gung-ho about increased access to health care as anybody, but if health insurance actually covered and cured Death I think we’d have heard something by now.

      (Also: is treating Death as something that needs curing insensitive to ZRM and other members of the differently animated community?)

      • David Hunt

        “Despite our best efforts, Death remains the country’s number one killer.”

      • njorl

        Think of the zombie state as death being in remission.

  • You are in a maze of twisting forms, all alike.

  • Walter H. White

    > fast cook blue meth

    > cook more

    > cook LOTS more

    > pay doctor blood money

    > kill chickenman

    > I WIN

    With uncertainty yet sincerely I say ‘Bravo’.

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