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Pro Tips For Young Academics

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For those aspiring to teaching careers, I would like to note the following exhaustive list of circumstances under which it is appropriate to inform a student that you have been jerking off while thinking of them:

None.

As with the “ticking time bomb,” I’m sure someone can contrive a scenario in which implausibility piled on top of impossibility leads to a situation in which such an invocation is a powerful and necessary teaching tool rather than a gross ethical violation. And as with the “ticking time bomb,” the solution is to maintain a categorical ban and throw yourself at the mercy of the appropriate tribunal if you happen to be in that one-in-a-trillion situation.

In addition, I would note that if you find yourself defending such conduct on the basis of your belief in the credo “Eparter [sic] les bourgeois,” you’re really demonstrating an unhealthy interest in self-gratification on multiple levels.

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