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Were You Wondering about Ben Shapiro’s Boner’s Opinion on Stuff?

[ 137 ] May 15, 2013 |

Too bad.

Hoda Kotb is 48. Forty-eight. Now, I’m 4o. And, sure, I can attest to the fact that every woman over the age of 39 is a withered old crone. I’m hideous.

But, sheesh, Ben, do you really have to tell us what your boner thinks? Because I doubt anyone cares…and anyone who does is a straight-up freak.

Also, thanks, Maxim for the valuable service you do humanity. Sometimes I get all confused and wonder if some bikini-clad actress or model is 56 or 57 hot…but you–you’re there! You’re there with a number, with a ranking! And then I know that one chick on that one show is 56… and suddenly the world makes sense. Also, thanks for the no fatties.

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  • sharculese

    Beyond being creepy and inappropriate, does Benjy get how lame adjusting his spectacles for a point by point critique of the Maxim Hot 100 is?

    • If it were not for lame, creepy, and inappropriate, would Sparkly Ben even exist?

      • sharculese

        He would still have gullible and incompetent.

    • Joshua

      It almost seems like he is trying a bit too hard…

    • DrDick

      More to the point, who the hell cares what Virgin Ben finds “hot”?

    • nixnutz

      I think he’s trying to say that Hoda and Kamala Harris were only included because they’re leftists. Which, well no less idiotic, but it sort of hints at an angle, being as charitable as possible.

      I mean that there are n>x actresses and models hotter than any public servant is probably “true” from some angles but you have to be a moron to wade into these waters with any kind of serious take.

      Although any kind of list makes good comment bait so from a professional blogging POV maybe it’s a good piece.

      • Hogan

        I think he’s trying to say that Hoda and Kamala Harris were only included because they’re leftists.

        Yeah, didn’t Maxim used to be called the Daily Worker?

        • Malaclypse

          Wankers of the World, Unite! You have nothing to lose but your tube socks!

        • Joshua Brown

          No, it’s a contraction of “Marxism”: Ma’xi’m.

        • DocAmazing

          Whatever happens, we have got
          Maxim’s hons, and they have not.

      • mpowell

        That’s the absurdity. That maxim has a leftist bent.

        • sharculese

          If I had to guess, Maxim probably thought picking Harris would stir up controversy and piss off feminists (which is a benefit in it’s own right to the professional glue-huffers who compile this list, I would imagine).

  • Derelict

    Rank sexism from someone who toted around the internet nickname of “Virgin Ben” is at once offensive and laughable.

    On the other hand, I have no idea what Ben and his wife see in one another. But I certainly am glad they don’t see it in anyone else.

    • herr doktor bimler

      Shirley his cognomen has now been changed to “Payola Ben”. The most charitable interpretation is that one of Maxim’s competitors paid him for a negative article.

      • DrS

        Or, Maxim paid him for the slam, figuring that any pub is good pub and if you’re looking for opinions on the wank quotient of various photos of women, virgin conservatives are experts.

      • STH

        And don’t call me Shirley.

        (Sorry, had to be done.)

        • Bill Murray

          but his sexual politics has left me all of a muddle

    • LoriK

      My grandmother used to say of couples like Ben & the Mrs, “Well, at least they didn’t ruin two other families.”

      • Alfred, Lord Tennyson

        “By any other arrangement, four people would have been unhappy instead of two”.

  • JKTHs

    I just saw the first four comments over there and…yeah…

    • sharculese

      Big Hollywood: literally complaining about how Raquel Welch’s mangoes are rotten now

      • BigHank53

        I was wondering how Big Hollywood would manage to become even more risible, but I see they’ve put their best minds on it.

      • Karen

        I read five comments. It will take 15 YEARS of ZooBorns and Kitten Wars to scrape the horror out of my brain. There isn’t enough brain-bleach in Earth to make me go back there.

        • bspencer

          People, why are you reading the comments?!!! That way lies madness. Weird sickos.

          • Haystack

            And yet, you provided a direct link. Even after all the talk around here about workplace safety.

            • Karen

              Glad to help!

              • Karen

                This is meant for Chet Manly!

            • bspencer

              Hey, I just give you the links. What you do with them is up to you.

              • Scott Lemieux

                Links don’t kill brain cells, clicking through kills brain cells.

                • Links are the gateway drug to clicking on links.

              • Ah. The gun manufacturer lobby defense.

        • Chet Manly

          How in the world did I not know about ZooBorns? At least something good came of this.

    • Malaclypse

      I’m not leaving the boat. Not for mangoes, not for bunny ears, not for anything. Never leave the boat.

      • JKTHs

        I generally don’t but in this case I needed to get to the chopper.

        • herr doktor bimler

          LIBRUL DECAPITATION THREAT.

          • hmpf. I made a clever joke about Ben in the Chopper, and it got eated. Shouldn’t have included the link to the Fargo scene, I guess.

            • firefall

              Never link to Fargo. What happened in Fargo, stays in Fargo

      • DrDick

        Indeed. Especially not for Virgin Ben.

      • Walt

        Your cowardice has inspired me. I’m going in. *Adjusts goggles. Holds nose.*

        I’m back. There’s one liberal dude single-handedly trolling the comment section. he’s diverted it into an argument on how US health care sucks. The man deserves a medal.

  • Watusie

    He best not ever go to England. Finding out that every man there would happily become Helen Mirren’s boy toy if only she would ask would destroy him.

    • Karen

      I’m in for $100 towards a one-way ticket. It’ll be even cheaper if we send him to Gatwick instead of Heathrow. We could even send him all the way to Amsterdam and have him ride the Chunnel train back. . .

      • Epicurus

        I think I would be satisfied if we could ship him off on a trip to Europe…halfway. What a confused little boy he is…but then, some things never change. Plus ca change…they don’t call him “The Virgin Ben” for nothing!

    • KadeKo

      And Judy Dench. And Felicity Kendal.

      I could make more of a list.

      • CHARLOTTE RAMPLING.

        • Ever since she was Annie Oakley on the Avengers…

      • LittlePig

        I have to thank The Young Ones for knowing about Felicity Kendal. I heard a radio interview about a month ago with a young woman who wrote a book about learning things in roundabout ways, and her example was learning about Felicity Kendal in exactly the way I did (down to the sound clip). Small world.

      • Woodrowfan

        and the late Elisabeth Sladen (sigh)

        • Malaclypse

          And Mary Tamm, speaking of departed, awesome Companions. I had such a crush on Romana in the late 70s…

          • LittlePig

            Oh yeah.

      • FLRealist

        I used to have such a girl-crush on Felicity Kendal. I loved The Good Life!

      • Tehanu

        Kristin Scott Thomas, thenk yew veddy much.

        • S_noe

          Well hello there, Jeremy Clarkson.

      • Jenny Agutter. Alex Kingston.

      • herr doktor bimler

        Vanessa Redgrave. Left-wing so it’s a two-fer.

    • Justin Cognito

      “I love Helen Mirren! It’s like her breasts are afraid of the dark!”

  • sharculese

    The confusing part for me is that I assumed the target audience for Big Hollywood was like a billion years old anyway.

    • Vance Maverick

      The older the dirty old man, the more rigorous his age and weight requirements for ogle-fodder.

      • See Derbyshire, John.

        • John

          Derbyshire is that problem taken to the level of actual pathology.

        • firefall

          No. Never see the Derb. Never.

    • Supplying fogies with skin on-line is a consistent, if relatively unremarked upon, part of winger media. Check out the “Pic of the Day” archive at FOX Nation sometime. The Daily Caller also runs “Slideshows” which are frequently little more jerk off lists. This week they had pictures of Maxim’s top 10, you know, because journalism.

      • Joshua

        Or, you know, Fox News hostesses.

        How many times have we seen Fox News run a segment like, “Is Spring Break Out of Control” that just loops drunk girls dancing in bikinis for 5 minutes?

        • BigHank53

          …and how many times have you seen them do this?

          • Keaaukane

            It’s sort of weird. If Fox really does devote this much time to eye candy (I’m not going to look), why did Rich Lowry get such a thundering hard on for Sarah Palin?

            • joel hanes

              Because conservative and guns

              Not even Fox viewers are dim enough to really believe that bikini-clad dancing spring-break girls are motivated by a desire for low taxation an limited government.

        • Warren Terra

          I’ve never seen the sort of segment Joshua describes (I don’t see a lot of TV, let alone Fox News), but it is a constant source of amusement for me that to present their “news” Fox News uses an on-camera staff that consists of male schlubs in bland suits or in business casual, and female presenters who are consistently younger, more attractive, more toned, and dressed to the nines, frequently in short cocktail dresses. The only way it could be more Stepford is if the female presenters didn’t get to speak at all; as it is, they are more constrained in what they get to say.

        • DrS

          The showcasing of Megyn Kelly’s legs is insane.

      • Chet Manly

        This. A lot of the people I work with are wingnut men over the age of 40 and most of them are religious about checking the “Femail Today” section of the The Daily Mail website, which is pretty much the UK version of People magazine with more bikini pictures.

        I’m not sure if there’s some weird thing that it’s is a wingnut-approved site or if it’s just that the Daily Mail claims to be a newspaper so the no-fun filter at work never blocks it.

      • S_noe

        Even the Freepers do it. Not a direct link to FreeRepublic

        • sharculese

          Or a working one, for that matter.

  • Bill in Section 147

    I have to fight the urge to visit either or any sites that house such. I’ll take your word that they are idiots. I am sure that I would just end up yelling at my monitor anyway. Rarely do I see one of these lists where I am not reminded how few celebrities I have heard of and how far from normal my tastes are. Get off my lawn!

    Mr. Shapiro’s porn is probably boring lumps of Surface Blur.

  • Andy

    I got out of the boat, I must confess. Normally I don’t critique lists like this, because all (straight) men have different tastes in women, who I find attractive (or don’t) is of no concern to anyone but me, etc. But still…Miley Cyrus is #1??? Seriously?

    • JKTHs

      It’s all about the page views.

    • bspencer

      Hate to say it, but it may be one area where Ben and I agree. I’d quibble but lists like these are so damn offensive to me, it seems foolish to play their game.

      • “Top Ten bspencer Pet Peeves”.

        • bspencer

          I steal all my material from Roy Edroso, not Andy Rooney.

          • “Ten Worst Bunny Impersonators on the Internet”

            • bspencer

              Oh please, that’s just an excuse to click links that go to Playboy. Yer not foolin’ anyone.

    • DocAmazing

      They’re confusing Hannah Montana with Alexis Texas.

      • John Derbyshire

        How do you tell them apart?

        • herr doktor bimler

          True, it’s not like Derbyshire is going to look at faces.

  • for making me think of Ben’s Boner, you deserve to be forced to watch Poultrygeist.

    C’mon, it’s lunchtime here.

    • bspencer

      Do you want to think about John Derbyshire’s boner?

      • Malaclypse

        I hate you with the heat of a thousand suns.

        • bspencer

          LOL.

          • Aaron Baker

            Quite the brain-sear you just gave me there.

            • bspencer

              Sorry.

              • Malaclypse

                You should be. This is worse than the time Loomis dissed Janis Joplin. Way worse.

              • This is all just payback for the insufficient enthusiasm on your “Get to know me” post, isn’t it?

                • bspencer

                  Revenge is dish best served cold with a side of John Derbyshire’s penis.

                • Actually, I am kind of OK with having Derb’s penis cut off and sliced up. Then fed to the ferrets.

                • Hogan

                  Get a room, you two. Then lock Derbyshire’s penis inside it and STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

                • BigHank53

                  Pretty much any dish turns into revenge if it’s served with a side of John Derbyshire’s penis.

                • I’ll wager this is the most attention John Derbyshire’s penis has gotten in a decade or so.

                • BigHank53

                  No more whining about how the left never did anything for him, then.

      • Kill the wabbit!

        • Malaclypse

          Hasenpfeffer.

      • Karen

        ZooBorns.. You all need this, stat.

        • Hogan

          Oh crap. First tvtropes and now this.

        • You are wonderful. And vicious. So, so vicious.
          (returns to site)

          Aw-w-w-w-w-w…

      • herr doktor bimler

        Do you want to think about John Derbyshire’s boner?

        I can see the connection to Poultrygeist. Last turkey in the shop, as they say.

  • Matt Stevens

    When I checked the link, the pop-up ad was “How to Boost Your Free Testosterone. You’re not 20 any more…” Those advertisers know their audience.

    (And I love the “free” testosterone. I don’t have to pay for testosterone? Holy shit!)

    • jim, some guy in iowa

      free testosterone = more $ to buy gold

      … or, a gun, which i imagine would be sort of a two-fer…

    • Anna in PDX

      Maybe it’s like “free radicals”?

    • NickT

      “Obama is going to confiscate your manly essence!”

      • Robbert

        Noooo! Not my precious bodily fluids!

  • Aaron Baker

    Ben Shapiro, Schmuck AND dumbass.

    • herr doktor bimler

      I confess, I have on several occasions mixed up Ben Shapiro with Ben Domenich. It’s true, members of The Other / Outgroup do all look alike to me.

      • I confess, I have on several occasions mixed up Ben Shapiro with Ben Domenich

        You’re going to need the KINGSIZE blender, then.

    • He is not a schmuck. At best, a putz.

  • rea

    [Singing]:

    I used to wake up in the morning
    I used to feel so bad
    I got so sick of having sleepless nights
    I went and told my dad

    He said, “Son now here’s some little something”
    And stuck them on my wall
    And now my nights ain’t quite so lonely
    In fact I, I don’t feel bad at all

    Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful
    Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night
    Pitcures of Lily solved my childhood problems
    Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright

    Pictures of Lily
    Lily, oh Lily
    Lily, oh Lily
    Pictures of Lily

    And then one day things weren’t quite so fine
    I fell in love with Lily
    I asked my dad where Lily I could find
    He said, “Son, now don’t be silly”

    “She’s been dead since 1929”
    Oh, how I cried that night
    If only I’d been born in Lily’s time
    It would have been alright

  • wjts

    I DO NOT WISH TO STICK MY PENIS INSIDE OF HODA KOTB. IT IS REPREHENSIBLE FOR MAXIM TO INFORM ME THAT I WISH TO STICK MY PENIS INSIDE OF HODA KOTB BY FIVE MORE INTERNATIONAL BONER UNITS (IBUS) THAN I WISH TO STICK MY PENIS INSIDE OF ALICE EVE. THIS ENTIRE AFFAIR MAKES A MOCKERY OF THE SACRED INSTITUTION OF A LIST OF WOMEN RANKED BY HOW MUCH I WISH TO STICK MY PENIS INSIDE OF THEM, THE SCIENTISTS WHO FIRST QUANTIFIED THE INTERNATIONAL BONER UNIT, AND MY PENIS.

    • So, the shorter Ben is “The Gun is Good, the Penis is Bad”?

    • bspencer

      Fuck a duck, that’s good. I was trying to come up with a boner-unit for this post and the only thing I could come up with was a “starbursty.”

      • LittlePig

        Those are Lowry units. Gotta keep your nomenclature straight.

        • BigHank53

          I wonder what the conversion rate to a normal boner is.

          • Ross Douthat

            Everyone knows the proper boner-unit is the “C-spoon.”

    • It almost makes this better that the real IBU is the International Bitterness Unit.

    • Halloween Jack

      IT IS REPREHENSIBLE FOR MAXIM TO INFORM ME THAT I WISH TO STICK MY PENIS INSIDE OF HODA KOTB BY FIVE MORE INTERNATIONAL BONER UNITS (IBUS) THAN I WISH TO STICK MY PENIS INSIDE OF ALICE EVE.

      So, you’ve seen the new Star Trek movie, I take it?

  • OK, I read that ‘article’. Sheesh the resentment fairly splatters off the page. And oh-so-obviously, The Virgin Ben does not understand where intelligence can be part of what contributes to being ‘hot’. And the weak, snippy attempted slice at Clinton at the end was just too Mean Girl.

    No way I’m reading the fucking comments though.

    • bspencer

      I mean, you’re a dumb, self-loathing zombie, not a MASOCHIST.

      • firefall

        Well no clearly he’s a masochist too*, but not with inherently self-destructive tendencies

        *else why would he be taunting the mighty power of the VS?

  • Bill Murray

    What’s really sad is that the Virgin Ben’s Boner, despite all the misogyny and ressenitment, is still a much better thinker than his brain

  • We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community.
    Your website provided us with valuable information to work on.
    You’ve done a formidable job and our whole community will be grateful to you.

    • Malaclypse

      Best spam ever, or bestest spam ever?

    • sharculese

      Everyone click on this link, it’s absolutely worth it for the shot of a confused looking Hulk Hogan as their celebrity endorser.

      • commie atheist

        Hmmm. Hulk may have some, er, reasons for needing testosterone at this point in time.

  • commie atheist

    Omigod, they’re OLD! And LIBERAL! Ewwww, gross.

  • CJColucci

    Sarah Palin, anyone?

  • Quiddity

    Hoda Kotb was Miss Friends of Hamas in 2009.

  • Halloween Jack

    These are basically the same people who did “glamour” photos of female wingnut pundits and bloggers, right?

    Also for the lulz: when I clicked on the article (because I had no idea who Hoda Kotb was), I got a pop-up ad titled “How to Boost Your Free Testosterone – You’re Not 20 Any More…” Oh, Ben, we really, really didn’t need to know.