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Accidental Google Seppuku: A twitter Story

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Since I’m the biggest no-life-having-jagoff of the authors here, I was wondering if you all wanted share your Google Sepuku stories with everyone on the internet. Well, sort of. I’m not talking about specifically about Google Seppuku; actually, I was wondering is if you’ve ever typed something completely innocuous into the Google search box and ended up seeing something you wish could unsee or at least could have braced for. It’s happened to me several times (“Persian kittens”: not always adorable felines), but the last time it happened it ended up being sort of a blessing/curse, ‘cuz I knew I could juice the experience for some comedy.

See, I was looking for a segment of a P.F. Tompkins standup routine where he talks about owning tiny, genetically modified bears. So I Googled “pocket bears.” I think you see where this is going. If you don’t, I urge you NOT to Google “pocket bears.”

Similarly, I was wondering if any of you have ever typed in anything “sketchy” and come up with nada. It’s happened to me.

Why do I wonder these things? Well, because I’m bored, nosy and the LGM overlords are ok with me posting stuff like this on the weekend.

Please don’t Google “bored and nosy.”

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  • Malaclypse

    Had a client – elderly, white, and very Christian – who invented what was basically a shock absorber for shotguns, and believed that the website he would use to sell these devices would be http://www.buttbuddy.com. I had to not laugh when he called me up complaining about how “very disappointed” he was when he found out what was actually being conveyed at the web site he believed was his.

    • Malaclypse

      Note: the link, which I didn’t format as a link, was certainly unsafe for work when this happened, at work, a dozen or so years ago.

    • bspencer

      ROFL! That is THE BEST.

    • rea

      http://www.sado.org is the Michigan State Appellate Defender Office’s website. Replace “.org” with “.com” and you get something rather different. . .

  • Arcadío Buendía

    Space dicks. There is nothing I have ever wanted to unsee more.

    • Even the phrase Space Dicks is unfortunate. Please, do not ‘splain.

      • NonyNony

        What else would you type into the search box if you’re looking for science fiction inspired by the works of Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett?

  • I didn’t see anything but I did find myself on a very regrettable page of possible offerings by trying to locate Hanna Andersson clothing for my toddler and googling “Danish, girl, stockings.”

  • Barry Freed

    Fucking hell. I don’t know why I decided to google “pocket bears” on google image search. Bspence, did you used to troll Slashdot with goatse/tubgirl/lemon party pics back in the day?

    BTW, other good and real URLs include therapist.com (and therapistfinder.com for when you really need to find one), ferrethandjobs.com Ferreth and Jobs. More here:

    http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Fun:Unfortunate_website_names

    • Pee Cee

      BTW, other good and real URLs include therapist.com (and therapistfinder.com for when you really need to find one), ferrethandjobs.com Ferreth and Jobs.

      Some URLs really need hyphens …

      There’s also http://www.doctorscare.com (Doctor’s Care – a medical clinic) and http://www.dickspawn.com (Dick’s Pawn Shop) that I’ve seen advertised on billboards in the area.

  • Anonymous

    If you’re a medical student looking to spice up a presentation on diabetics’ infections with a picture of this “mucormycosis” everyone’s talking about, don’t.

    • wjts

      “Hair tourniquet” in the OB/GYN literature is a particular horror.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, our pediatrician warned us about that one! (We have a boy)

  • Ann Outhouse

    Nothing will EVER top “Santorum.”

  • I put in “Persian kittens” and just got a page of add for people selling persian kittens and closely related things. It makes me wonder what else you were searching for in your spare time if you got very different results. :)

    • redwoods

      Somebody has the safe search on!

      • Dave

        Well I don’t, and that’s what I saw too. I think we’re being punked.

        • I googled Persian kittens a couple years back. Now, I was doing an image search and I think I recall a couple nudie/porny pics popping up. I could be miserembering but I don’t think I am

          • Bill Murray

            there has probably been an explosion of kitten pictures on the toobz since then

            • I wonder if cats have surpassed porn in popularity.

              • Halloween Jack

                See, that’s what teh Googz really needs: a filter that will show only porn results. (I think that someone has already come up with something like this, but I’m actually at work, so…)

                • So next we need a cat filter–cats hazzing cheeseburgers all da time!

                • Richard Gadsden

                  There used to be a site called “unsafe search” which took your search terms, did a search with safe search on, a search with it off, and then removed all the safe search results.

                  However, Google blocked it (http://www.monzy.org/unsafesearch/)

  • Joe

    I was shopping online for socks and saw a couple references to “OTC socks.” I didn’t know what it meant, so i did a google image search.

  • stickler

    Let’s just say if you’re hurriedly preparing some material for a lecture on European economic integration, and you can’t quite remember what that German economic subministry was called where you once saw that report on the forecasts for growth in the German solar industry … and you vaguely remember that the ministry might have been called the Bundesministerium für Wirtschaftsforschung, well …

    “BmWf” as a stand-alone search term will indeed provide much information, but not much about solar. Or Germany. I suppose there might have been some stuff related to racial integration, but not really classroom-safe in any way.

    • I know- the Bob Marshall Wilderness Foundation is really creepy stuff, and right there at the top of my search results!

  • CH

  • Warren Terra

    The funny thing is that after you made a similar comment the other day, I opened an Incognito tab (so my browsing history wouldn’t bias the search results, and in case I wound up going someplace unsavory), and Googled “pocket bears”. I didn’t spot anything obviously graphic on the (first page of the) search results, though I did wind up visiting some truly horrific page using a bunch of crappy cartoons (but notably no decent photographs or testimonials) in its attempt to sell some sort of marsupial as pets to the unwary on the Internet. It looked like they were selling flipping sea monkeys, except that instead of a tank of shrimp you might get a confused, undomesticated, and quite possibly unwell warm-blooded animal of your very own.

    • Warren Terra

      (per an above comment, I repeated this test and clicked on the Image Search button, which does yield more unsettling results. I didn’t have the heart to try the Video Search).

    • sparks

      Hm, I did the same and found some (ahem) interesting images among the more innocuous. Nothing I could call anything more than unpleasant. I saw much worse porn before I was a teen.

      • bspencer

        Yeah, these images popped up right on the first page, now that Google shows images along with links for first results.

  • Just a Rube

    Two stories, both from some years ago.

    One: I needed to look up the scientific name of a species of onager called the “Wild Asian Ass.”
    In a hurry and not thinking, I typed “Wild Asian Ass” into Google. The results were obviously plentiful, but not exactly what I was looking for.

    Two: LaTeX is a particular typesetting program that I use. I was trying to recall a certain command, and remembered that there was a wikibook for it. I googled “latex wiki” and ended up at a latex-fetish wiki instead.

    • Halloween Jack

      In a hurry and not thinking

      Uh-huh.

  • Chet Manly

    I tried to search for banana brandy once because they were making it on that Moonshiners TV show and it sounded delicious to me.

    Turns out Banana Brandy is also a young girl with a porn site.

  • I once googled “Super Karate Monkey Death Car”

    (shudder)

    I still have a twitch.

    • BigHank53

      …and now I find I’m burning with curiousness as to why “Super Karate Monkey Death Car” would ever be used as a search string.

      • It just goes to my old blog and refers to an episode of “Newsradio”. I doubt you’ll find anything blue Googling it.

        • …maybe something pink.

          wait. OLD blog? You mean I waste my time EVERY DAY looking for new content there?

          • bspencer

            Dude. I’m after fame and fortune and clearly LGM is my ticket outta this backwater. Nobody knows what the fuck a super karate monkey death car is.

            • Well, that was always my opinion. But you being an artist and a snarky asshole and such as, I figured it was just something the kids were doing….

              • bspencer

                [UNCOOL] I’m never doing what the kids are doing unless it’s 10 years after the kids were doing it. [/UNCOOL]

              • Which reminds me…I need to comment at your blog. I keep lurking, getting distracted then forgetting to comment.

                • Zombie rotten mcdonald

                  Uh-oh. There may be disappointment ahead.

                • Has your obsession with Mekons disappointed me yet?

            • Malaclypse

              Nobody knows what the fuck a super karate monkey death car is.

              That is precisely why super karate monkey death car was so awesome.

              • Ha! I always loved the name myself. Lawyers, Guns and Superkaratemonkey has a ring to it, no?

                • Zombie rotten mcdonald

                  Much harder to illustrate though. But the t shirts would be awesome.

  • Tmv

    I’m a lurker but couldn’t resist this thread. I was pregnant recently, had a question or two occur, and googled “placenta.” One of the first things that came up was an article titled, “I Regret Eating My Placenta,” followed by several other links confirming that this is, indeed, a thing. The mind reels, as does the stomach.

    • herr doktor bimler

      Oops, ate the wrong one.

      • Barry Freed

        That reminds me of the never aired (first or second season) Saturday Night Live sketch for “Placenta Helper.”

    • I think that what DocAmazing is thinking is “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.” We stored (one of) my placentas for a while because I had a romantic notion–yes, a romantic notioon–that we would plant it under a tree in our very tiny garden. Years passed and it sat in a ziplock on the freezer on the back porch. Finally we were renovating our house and the freezer had to go–along with nine gallons of matzoh ball soup which we had also frozen in a moment of negative optimism–and the workers were already gutting the house so I took it out of the bag and buried it somewhere in the backyard. Totally freaked out my contractor (he loved it, just proved what a kooky liberal I was) and he used to shout out to the workmen on their lunch breaks “Don’t sit on the PLACENTA!” Just to make them jump.

      • steverino

        Way late here, but I recall reading a SF novel where the placenta was frozen and saved for the stem cells: growing new organs in old age. L. Neil Smith? Perhaps.

  • SV

    I see what you were talking about with pocket bears, but what the hell is the dirty interpretation of Persian kittens? Google is, for once, not helpful. And who would ruin something so sickeningly adorable?

    • Vance Maverick

      There once was a site called Persian Kitty, which won Webbies back when there was such a thing. I am old.

      • Vance Maverick

        Also, don’t Google “Keane eyes” if you value your sanity.

        • SV

          Well I have to now. Unless you tell me what foulness awaits at ‘Keane eyes’ or ‘Persian Kitty’.

        • bspencer
          • Barry Freed

            There really is nothing that is not on the internet.

            (I suppose if I scrolled through enough of those pages I’d find rule 34 applied to that tumblr, but Imma not gonna do dat).

  • When I’m hot, or working a lot, or concentrating hard, my head sweats much more than, not only any other part of MY body, but on anyone else’s bodies – anyone not named Patrick Ewing, that is.

    And so, figuring that maybe I had a treatable medical condition, I googled, “sweaty head” to help me see if, after 40+ years, this was something that could be controlled.

    Don’t ever google “sweaty head” looking for some cure.
    Not unless you want to feel inadequate, on top of having a very sweaty head, getting hot from looking at ‘sweaty head.’

    • bspencer

      LOL!

      • Sure, it’s funny now!

        But try to put it in context – it was in early 2000, when you’re new to computers, and in the first week of your new job, 4 states away from your former home, decide to look that up during a break on the PC in your office.

        Talk about ‘sweaty head!’
        It’s amazing I didn’t drown, and take out a few rescuer’s, too!!!

  • Robbert

    I once googled the (really rather good) band Sluts Of Trust without thinking.

    And I have no idea what “pocket bears” are, but I think I won’t bother to find out.

  • William Berry

    Pocket bears? No big whoop. With no filtering on my Google/ Safari, on 1st page, I got little plushes, sugar gliders (awww! they’re so cute), and just one pic of two naked “real” bears hugging and kissing!

    • Awwwwww! I want your search result.

      • William Berry

        Yeah, I know a lot of people don’t approve of keeping wild animals as pets, but sugar gliders make really good ones. Like rats who are not fed anything nasty, they are among the cleanest of critters, grooming themselves regularly. Only poop little hard, dry pills. And they are fine with just fruit and sugar water, no nasty meat or pet food stuff. Happy to ride around on your shoulder or sleep half the day in your jacket pocket. And unlike rats, hamsters, etc., they live forever— more than ten years, AIR.

        Tiny, furry critters like gliders can really make you think about the life of this strange world. It is an amazing feeling to hold so much warm life in the palm of your hand.

  • Dan Coyle

    I’m still traumatized by the time I image searched for “Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers”, which you should never do with Safe Search off. Because Gadget… oh, GADGET.

  • Halloween Jack

    Please don’t Google “bored and nosy.”

    Is that functionally the same as “caught looking at someone else’s porn”?

  • AndyS

    Similarly, if interested in Accountable Care Organizations, Google “ACO”. You’ll discover a link to the “American Cornhole Organization” — which also isn’t quite what it sounds like.

  • joe from Lowell

    I can tell you that many of the sites purporting to cover the issue of the Japanese military’s enslavement of women in Korea and China during World War Two are of dubious historical value.

  • Sean Peters

    Oh, geez. I’m gay and recently out. I have a daughter. So I’m looking for support groups for LGBT parents. Turns out “gay dads” does not produce the results I was looking for.

  • Conversely there is a Boston indepenedent music group one of whose songs I heard on the radio. Unfortunately their name is so anodyne, on the order of “band of good music” that there is no point in googling it and I simply can’t find them or get any of their records.

  • Heqit

    Oh my. I’m glad to have a term for this sort of stomach-churning online miscalculation.

    My mother is one of those insanely energetic people who work hard, play hard, and basically just never stop moving. This makes her a wonderful companion for my hyperactive nephew, who thinks that Grandma is awesome and the Best Playmate Ever. My sister and I think it’s cute, if exhausting, to watch the two of them together, and we started referring to our mother as “Action Grandma” – sort of a combination of the trope of Action Girl and the old Inspector Gadget line “go go action ___________!” So I thought I would try to find a grandmother action figure of some sort as a Mother’s Day gift. And Googled it. At work.

    Do NOT, EVER, Google “Action Grandma.” Even on a computer with a blandly academic search history (high school names and addresses, mostly), safe search enabled, behind a company firewall…oy. Neither my eyes nor my soul will ever be the same.

    • Ha ha ha!! I knew I would get some great stories out of this thread!

  • LeftWingFox

    I discovered there is a slight but VITAL difference between typing in “children with animals” and “girls with dogs” into google image-search.

  • haha…in a late-night drunken youtube session, hubbkf and i googled ‘hairy underwear’ because that is what i call carrie underwood and he has the hots for her…anyhow, yeah…don’t google ‘hairy underwear’…

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