Home / Robert Farley / This is Just All Some Horrible Nightmare I Just Want to Wake Up and Stop Screaming

This is Just All Some Horrible Nightmare I Just Want to Wake Up and Stop Screaming



Oregon coach Chip Kelly will be the new coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, league sources told ESPN.

Kelly re-emerged as a candidate recently and an agreement was just reached Wednesday.

The Eagles had interviewed Kelly early in its search for a replacement for longtime coach Andy Reid, talking to the coach in Arizona after the Ducks’ 35-17 Fiesta Bowl victory over Kansas State.

But sources had told ESPN after the meeting that Kelly had decided to stay at Oregon. The school never made an official announcement regarding Kelly’s employment with the team, however.

Jesus. Does this mean I have to cheer for the fucking Eagles?

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Google+
  • Linkedin
  • Pinterest
  • CJColucci

    All we need now is for Brian Kelly to take a pro job, setting up a battle of the Kellysif the schedulers cooperate.

  • CJColucci

    I should add that although I have no real rooting interest as between the final four NFL teams, I’m rooting for the 49ers and the Ravens to set up the biggest brother clash since Cain and Abel.

  • Eagles fans

    mmmmmm . . . fresh meat.

  • MacGyver

    Nick Saban thinks this was dick move.

    • Lacking Moral Fiber aka Useless Muthfucka frmly Nemesis

      Originality? Not your best suit.

  • Murc

    Good lord.

    Did they take his family hostage? Were they going to send him body parts until he agreed to this?

    Because I have trouble thinking of another reason.

  • I like this tweet. Though apparently the kid is not bitter.

    I don’t think I can recall being this blindsided by a coaching announcement… good job by Kelly and the Eagles in being secret squirrel.

    • Joshua

      When Nick Saban claimed he wasn’t going to Alabama, everyone knew he was lying. Not here.

      • I totally left this on my list of great college coach -> mediocre pro coach transitions.

  • Linnaeus

    Jesus. Does this mean I have to cheer for the fucking Eagles?

    No. You cheer for the team, not the coach.

    • NonyNony

      Meh. How is that any better/worse than cheering for a team because you like some of the players? Or because you like the logo? Or, possibly the least rational reason to cheer for a team at all (but the most widely held) because you happen to live in the same city/state that the team happens to play in?

      Hell most of the Browns fans that I know are basically cheering for the memory of a team that existed decades ago and is completely disconnected from the team that exists now. How is that any better/worse than cheering for a team because you think it has a good coach?

      • Ronnie P

        Good people pick a team and stick with it. Once you move away from that, you get people rooting for teams just because they are good. And these people lack character.

        • NonyNony

          Really? I should pick a team and “stick with it” even if it’s 20 years later and the team I started following bears absolutely no resemblance to the team that exists now except the trademark?

          Do sports fans still believe in that kind of mindless fealty to a corporation’s brand name? I know that when I was a teenager that was the case, but it was less obvious that a team was a corporate brand back then than it is today.

          • witless chum

            I do and it’s obvious that I really mean it because I’m a Lions fan. I just think it’s more fun to root for the team by dad rooted for over other considerations like not run by morons or plays football outside like the random meaningless universe intended.

            Other than the Lions, I root for the Bills for aethestic reasons and other than that whoever has the most former Michigan State players.

            • Aesthetic reasons? I’m a Bills fan but I’d really like to hear those.

              • witless chum

                The playing outdoors, being in a smallish city adjoining a Great Lake, lots of snow, the unis aren’t bad, fans seemed to take losing four Super Bowls better than most would, that’s all. The Bills are a logical second team. Plus, it was fun to root for Doug Flutie when I was in college.

          • Bitter Scribe

            There’s also a certain masochism involved, for fans of some teams. *koffCubskoff*

        • I would go a step further and say the only acceptable way to choose a sports team is to be indoctrinated by your parents/relatives. Children who are allowed to choose a team based on logos or players are future scofflaws.

          • NonyNony

            Ah. So it’s basically a form of religion then. :)

            • Mark D’ski

              it was in W.Pa., of course, this is America, so you can “shop” for your religion (and pro football team). My father told me that i should root for the local team. Unfortunately, i now live in Phoenix. So I root for the Steelers first, then the cardinals.

            • Bloix

              Yes. Nick Hornby explains this very well in Fever Pitch.

          • Robert Farley


          • wengler

            Sports is about suffering and hatred. If you are allowed to choose your own teams willy nilly you are avoiding the suffering aspect.

            Thus making you worse than Hitler.

            • NonyNony

              Ah but I chose to be an Indians fan in 1988 (despite living nowhere near Cleveland at the time, though strangely I moved there later). And I haven’t changed that decision in going on 25 years. So suffering and self-hatred are apparently something I was willing to choose of my own free will, rather than having it imposed on me.

          • Lacking Moral Fiber aka Useless Muthfucka frmly Nemesis

            The selection of one’s favorite team is far too important an issue to be left up to adolescents. Team fervor must be instilled into the youths at a young age. In utero, if possible.

          • elm

            I would say geographic proximity is fine, too. If the local team is on the television all the time, it’s fine to root for them even if your parents didn’t.

        • Richard Hershberger

          I grew up in southern California rooting for the Dodgers. I stuck with them years after I had moved three thousand miles away. The Rupert Murdoch years finally drove me away. I believe in sticking with your team, but there are limits. That’s when I switched to the Phillies, where I was living at the time. In my defense, that was when the Phillies still sucked. I call it the Rico Brogna era.

      • Linnaeus

        Let me modify my comment a bit, then. It isn’t “wrong” to cheer for particular team because you like its coach. Sports fandom really isn’t rational anyway, so if one finds a particular coach especially remarkable, then I suppose one could transfer one’s support for that coach to whatever team that coach works for.

        I tend to think of sports teams as institutions with histories, connections to the community (however strong or weak those may be), etc. that go beyond the roster of personnel of the team at any particular moment. So I may continue to support a team because of how I perceive my relationship to that institution, e.g., I support my undergraduate alma mater‘s teams because, among other things, I attended the institution and am connected to it in a way that I am not to other colleges & universities.

        Others may determine their fandom differently. But Rob doesn’t have to support the Eagles just because Kelly will now coach there.

    • Njorl

      I dunno. As an Eagles fan, I wish Andy Reid well in both his coaching and Skittles commercials.

      • Linnaeus

        You can wish Reid well. It doesn’t mean you’ll be a fan of the team he ends up coaching for, if he’s hired again.

        • drkrick

          He’s coaching the Kansas City Chiefs next year. They announced it a week ago.

          • Linnaeus

            Missed that one, thanks.

          • Njorl

            I will have an expressed preference for Chiefs victories in games not played against the Eagles, as I did for Dick Vermeil and the Rams (and later, the Chiefs).

            I did not have the same warm feelings toward Rich Kotite when he went to the Jets. My feelings were more astonishment that anyone would hire him.

            • Big Al

              “Kotite is a puppet”

              Best psycho bedsheet spray paint stadium sign evah!

              Eagles fans are hardcore and occasionally erudite.

            • Pestilence

              Altho Jets fans were completely unsurprised

  • Mudge

    A possible stimulus..ESPN notes “There has been talk of NCAA sanctions on the horizon at Oregon…”

    They also say the contract might be 5 years at $6M each.

  • At least it means you get to root against the Redskins twice a year.

    That said, how successful is the median college-to-pro head coach? Not pro-to-college-to-pro like Pete Carroll; I’m talking Steve Spurrier, Dennis Erickson, June Jones, and if I want to twist the knife, basketball coaches like Rick Pitino, John Calipari, etc… In three years he might be back in the PAC-12 coaching the Cougs.

    • Njorl

      how successful is the median college-to-pro head coach?

      • Fair enough. But the idea that a great college coach is a surefire bet to be a good pro coach, let alone a great one, is … questionable.

  • FridayNext

    There was lots of clothes rending and tears in Florida when Urban Meyer took the Ohio job. I’ll tell you what I told them.

    These coaches are not your friends or part of your family. They have no emotional or spiritual stake in your school, community, student body, or educational attainments of anyone on your campus they are not paid to care about. They are not moral or spiritual leaders. They are professionals hired and paid handsomely to do one thing: win football games. They will go somewhere else when they think it is in their best interests to do so. They may tell you they love your school, community, students, team, etc etc when they are paid to do so, and they may even believe it in that moment. But they will say it just as strongly, and believe it just as strongly, when they say it again in their new position. As long as they do their best to win and you pay them what they were promised, you owe them nothing and they owe you nothing.

    But, maybe not. I don’t know Kelley that well. Maybe YOUR coach was different. I am sure he was.

    Get on with your lives and hire a new professional to do the vacant job. I guarantee Kelly has already moved on and is replacing all his Duck clothing for Eagle clothing. (But of course that could be a contractual obligation since he has all new endorsement deals to make and grow rich from and the Eagles and NFL will likely make him wear UnderArmour instead of Nike.)

    And one correction. They are not the “fucking” Eagles, they are the sucking Eagles. There is a difference.

    • Domino

      I heard that that while Meyer did want to spend more time with his family, a main reason he left was that he missed out on some key recruits for his spread system and didn’t want to deal w/ the couple of years of mediocrity that would ensue. Any of that sound true?

      • mpowell

        Did you also know he had a heart attack more than once? There was plenty of reason for Meyer to take a year off.

        • sparks

          IIRC, he spent it posting comments to Sadly, No!

    • Lacking Moral Fiber aka Useless Muthfucka frmly Nemesis

      Meyer left because he lost to Saban in the SCECG in 09 and lost his Juicebax Jeebus qb St Timmy. He saw the future and he ran.

      Meyer has to be one fo the worst talent evaluators in CFB history. Timmy graduates and Cam Newton wants to be the qb. Meyer says nope and the rest is war eagle history.

      • Eric

        What? Newton left a year before Tebow’s final year.

        • Eric

          To be clear, Newton left (was kicked out) at Florida before Tebow’s final year there. There was no way that Newton was taking over for Tebow in 2009.

      • Cody

        Newton also had the small problem with stealing things that didn’t belong to him…

        • rea

          If you are going to steal, it’s always better to steal something that doesn’t belong to you. Otherwise, it’s kinda pointless . . .

  • Njorl

    Does this mean I have to cheer for the fucking Eagles?

    One of us!
    One of us!
    One of us!
    One of us!

  • Ron E.

    Does this mean I have to cheer for the fucking Eagles?

    Unless you 1) live in Pennsylvania or 2) are a member of Kelly’s family, then no.

    • Mudge

      Or South Jersey or Delaware. I’m sure Farley is a Bungels fan. Isn’t that punishment enough?

    • Mudge

      To clarify. Farley is a well know Seahawks fan in his heart of hearts, but his local team is the Bengals. He may not be a fan, but he lives amongst them and must at times pretend to suffer.

      • Robert Farley

        I’m actually a Raiders fan of long standing. But that hasn’t really been working out for me for several decades now.

        • Colin

          And Loomis lets you blog here?

          • I’ve actually felt too sorry for him over the last several years to say anything. Also, he barely cares about the NFL.

          • elm

            Shouldn’t that be the other way around? Loomis is still the newbie, after all.

    • Trollhattan

      You have to cheer the fucking Eagles only when they’re playing the Cowboys or the Steelers. Or you unaccountably move to Philly.

      • greylocks

        With luck, we’ll have a full NHL season next year and I won’t have time to root for any of these fkrs.

  • Domino

    Can he at least get a hot tub in his office to view tape like he had at Oregon?

    Also, I do wonder if he’s nervous about the looming NCAA sanctions.

  • Britlaw

    In the vernacular, I believe this is called “pulling a Carroll.”

  • JoyfulA

    When you come to the Eagles home games, remember not to wear your Santa suit.

    • Good lord–as an Eagles fan, I’ll freely admit that many of my compatriots are assholes, but it is nonetheless quite tiresome the way people keep trotting out this trivial incident that happened forty-five years ago as though it actually means something.

      • drkrick

        And besides, he deserved it – he was scrawny and the costume was crap.

        • Western Dave

          And he was drunk and behaving boorishly!

          • JoyfulA

            All the fans at Eagles games are drunk and behaving boorishly.

            (I am an Eagles fan born and bred. I know some of those rowdy rich suburbanite season ticketholders who give the city a bad name, which is why I’d never personally attend a game.)

  • Western Dave

    Get a grip, it’s not like rooting for Dallas or Washington. And you get to root against those two idiocracies twice a year.

  • Dan Mulligan

    Not to be too personal but I have been a Cal fan for 50 + years. By what right do you even complain?

    • Richard

      I’m with you. Started Cal in ’65 (after one year at UCLA) and have seen my hopes smashed year after year after year.

    • Right there with you — I have lived in Corvallis my whole life and watched the Beavers pretty much suck the entire time. Fun.

      • Fighting Words

        I have relatives in Corvallis, OR. Nice place.

    • Fighting Words

      I have been a Cal fan for almost 20 years. This team will find ways to lose that you never thought possible.

      • They’ve been channeling the Detroit Lions?

        No wonder you haz a sad.


  • Hmm, now that I think about it, ol’ Chip does look like the kind of guy that enjoys a cheesesteak. Or four.

    Too bad that we in Corvallis will have to come up with somebody new to hate. I’m sure we’ll manage.

    • Linnaeus

      All that somebody new has to do is become the head coach at Oregon.

      • Yes, precisely.

        Zombie Jesus himself could appear in town and say “Imma do the whole second coming thing, but first I’m gonna coach the Ducks for a few seasons” and we’d suddenly have far fewer Christians.

        • JustRuss

          I’d like Kelly a lot more if he’d had the decency to lose at least one Civil War. Is that really too much to ask?

          • JustRuss

            Also too, who the hell wears a visor in Oregon? After Kelly leaves, nobody. So there’s that.

  • Lacking Moral Fiber aka Useless Muthfucka frmly Nemesis

    This is a terrible hire. It makes the Eagles look desperate. The front office has lost its collective minds.

    Chip the Flip plays in a conference known for wide open offenses and weak defenses. Even in such a conference, the O defenses were suspect. How do NFL teams win with bad defenses? Answer: they dont.

    I respect what Chip accomplished at O. He was not a great recruiter. Not many 5 stars wnat to go to a school where an unbrella is more necessary than a backpack.

    The HUNH offenses are a gimmick. Some are damn good – see O and TAM – but this years BCS Championship was played between two “power” teams, granted one team was much more powerful than the other. Roll Tide!

    This is an waful hire. At least Bama wont have to play O in the championship this coming year.

    • Mudge

      It may or may not turn out to be a good hire. Carroll and Harbaugh both coached in that wide open offense-bad defense league and have done well in the NFL. And NFL teams don’t have to recruit, which may be a reason he left Oregon.

      There is no need to hire Kelly to implement his offense. Part of it has been installed in New England and Washington. Any NFL coach told to implement it probably could. I suspect Kelly was hired because he showed a capacity for constructing a functional offense (and defense) using existing personnel. Plus he seems to have energy. Retread NFL coaches tend not to have energy (see Turner, Norv).

      The defense will be as good as his defensive coordinator. I wouldn’t be surprised, if he’s available, to see Lovey Smith get hired. Jim Johnson is sadly, like Franco, still dead.

    • mpowell

      Dude, just be quiet. Your rambling Alabama boosterism is pathetic. Neither recruiting nor Alabama’s power game are remotely related to Chip Kelly’s qualifications to coach at the NFL level.

    • Njorl

      Picking who will be a good NFL coach is a total crapshoot. It’s mostly a matter of getting lucky, with only two things you have to avoid:

      1. Avoid anyone who simply doesn’t have the qualifications yet, like Jim Zorn.
      2. Avoid anyone who has proven demonstrably that they can not do the job, like Jim Zorn.

    • Scott Lemieux

      I’d have to say that if we’ve learned anything in the past 3 years, it’s that PAC-12 coaches have no chance of succeeding in the NFL.

      • As long as they don’t draft QBs from USC, they do fine.

  • Not many 5 stars wnat to go to a school where an unbrella is more necessary than a backpack.

    No self-respecting Oregonian would carry an umbrella — that’s what hoods are for. Hell, you’d lose the use of your umbrella hand for half the year!

    • Lacking Moral Fiber aka Useless Muthfucka frmly Nemesis

      Ive been schooled!

      • Scott Lemieux

        Anybody who prefers the weather in Alabama to the weather in Oregon belongs in a straightjacket.

        • Mudge

          With weather being, as well, a euphemism for politics, I presume.

          • The politics of a large swath of Oregon probably isn’t all that different than Alabama. This “liberal” state is really a liberal valley/coast where most of the population lives, surrounded by a bunch of conservatives and ag/timber/mining/etc. in the vast (land area) of the rest of the state.

        • Yep. Though today is just plain dreary (warning — blogwhoring to a picture I took on my lunch hour).

  • The Pale Scot

    “Does this mean I have to cheer for the fucking Eagles?”

    God no, there lies the path to madness my friend.

  • greylocks

    I confidently predict the same results we usually see when a college head coach goes straight to an NFL head coaching job without first putting in time as an OC or DC.

    See also Steve Spurrier.

    • Mudge

      Jimmy Johnson.

    • mpowell

      Like Harbaugh I presume? Most new NFL coach hires do not turn out to be elite NFL coaches. Former college coaches are no better or worse a place to look.

      • witless chum

        Steve Mariucci, Bill Walsh. You can play this game pretty well with just Niners coaches.

        • Bill Murray

          bill walsh was an assistant coach (and I would say equivalent to an OC today) for the Bengals before he became a college coach, so does not fit the category

          • greylocks

            He also spent a year (I believe) with the Chargers.

  • tonycpsu

    I love you guys, but I also love my Eagles, so I’m just going to leave this here.

    (I’ll probably be the one crying when Bill O’Brien leaves to coach the Giants or something.)

  • CJColucci

    In addition to having a team to follow, I think most fans also need a team to hate, and I’m having trouble with that lately. Back in the days of Brandt, Landry, and Staubach, I hated the Cowboys (in those days everyone hated either the Cowboys or the Raiders regardless of which team they were for, and which you hated said a lot about you), but when they began to suck, they were too pathetic to hate, and when they became good enough to hate again, it was a whole new operation; Jimmy Johnson’s hair was good for a laugh, but I couldn’t hate them the way I used to. Traditional rivals don’t work for me because, though I want my team to beat them, I don’t find myself rooting against them if they’re in the playoffs and it’s just not my team’s year.
    I’ll take suggestions for a team to hate.

    • witless chum

      How about the one whose name you can’t say on Indian reservations without getting punched?

      • Western Dave

        Excellent start.

    • Njorl

      I’ve enjoyed hating the Steelers.

      You’ve got Big Ben, and a history of playing dirty and yet still getting all the calls. Plus, they’re boring.

      • Six

        plus they win so there is actually a reason to hate

    • Murc

      In addition to having a team to follow, I think most fans also need a team to hate, and I’m having trouble with that lately.

      Anything stopping you from hating on the Patriots?

    • Bill Murray

      Jerry Jones still makes the Cowboys hateable

  • Burnspbesq

    If you were the sort of deranged sociopath that is capable of being an Iggles fan, you’d be blogging at Free Republic, not LGM.

    • Walt

      The Team of Black Quaterblacks, the team whose very existence got Rush Limbaugh fired as a football analyst? Not likely.

  • I feel Oregon can beat Washington another 9 straight years with or without Chip Kelly.

  • Walt

    Not only should you become an Eagles fan, you’re already most of the way there. You already hate the Redskins, and their racist team name, right? You hate the Cowboys, their fans, and their “We’re the Yankees of football!” attitude. You hate the Giants and Eli Manning and his frat-boy face. That’s 90% of being an Eagles fan right there. The best part: you don’t even have to stop hating the Eagles. Eagles fans hate the Eagles most of all.

It is main inner container footer text