Glenn Reynolds Presents: How to be a Painfully Unfunny Hack

Glenn Reynolds has been using nutty Clinton conspiracy theories (which he clung to for a ridiculously long time) as a vehicle for running a one-liner into the ground, showing that if there’s anything worse than Glenn Reynolds trying to sustain thoughts for a couple paragraphs at a time, it’s Glenn Reynolds trying to be witty:

LEADERSHIP: Benghazi? Whatever! There was just some ‘sloppiness’ there, says Obama. According to a State Department spokesperson, Secretary of State Hillary of Clinton was unable to comment because of “a really bad hangover.”

HOW’S THAT “SMART DIPLOMACY” WORKIN’ OUT FOR YA? AFRICA IN CRISIS: U.S. Abandons Embassy, France Won’t Intervene. “The last time the U.S. abandoned an embassy? Syria.”

BACKBONE: Senate Republicans refuse to confirm Kerry until Hillary testifies about Benghazi. According to a State Department spokesperson, such testimony is doubtful as Secretary of State Clinton is suffering from “really bad canker sores.”

WALTER RUSSELL MEAD: We Still Need A Comprehensive Libya Policy Review. “The Benghazi attack was one small chapter in an an expensive and still unfolding tale of policy failure, in which U.S. forces were committed to Qaddafi’s ouster without proper assessment of risk, analysis of policy costs, or preparation for consequences.”

According to a State Department spokesperson, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was unable to comment because of “a really bad eczema outbreak.”

ACCOUNTABILITY IS FOR THE LITTLE PEOPLE: Benghazi penalties “bogus,” officials returning to work? “The New York Post has learned that the four State Department officials that supposedly resigned after the Accountability Review Board report slammed Foggy Bottom for its ‘systemic failures’ and ‘leadership and management deficiencies’ will return to work after all — and all but one in the same post.”

According to a State Department spokesperson, Hillary Clinton was unable to comment because she was being treated for “a really painful hangnail.”

DUCKING ACCOUNTABILITY: Hillary’s Benghazi Role. According to a State Department spokesperson, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was unable to respond due to “female problems you really don’t want to hear about.”

Ha-haw! This list, sadly, is not exhaustive. At any rate, how do you think Reynolds would react when the basis for these jokes for people who find Two and A Half Men hilarious but a little too highbrow is conclusively disproven? With a little graciousness or modesty, perhaps?

THE ASSOCIATED PRESS ON HILLARY’S BRAIN: “The illness has kept her out of the public view since Dec. 7, and has started to raise a host of questions as her team keeps typically tightlipped about the details: Where is the clot located? How severe is her condition? How soon will she recover? And, as Democrats are privately if not publicly speculating, how might her illness affect a decision about running for president in 2016? . . . Not that Democrats are willing to talk openly about the political implications of a long illness, choosing to keep any discussions about her condition behind closed doors. Publicly, Democrats reject the notion that a blood clot could hinder her political prospects.”

UPDATE: A reader emails that it’s lucky Hillary is a Democrat. If she were a Republican, we’d be hearing jokes like “Good news: They X-rayed Hillary’s brain and didn’t find anything!”

Yes, it’s Democrats who like to make tasteless jokes after people suffer serious injuries. Also, if Reynolds is going project his pathologies onto Democrats, I’d prefer if he find someone other than himself or his readers to write the material he puts in our mouths.

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