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“A vision of a paramilitary America.”

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Shorter Pierce, Serwer, and MacGillis: Bring me the head of Wayne LaPierre.*

*A note for our illiterate readers: I am not suggesting that any of these gentlemen are literally advocating the kidnapping or decapitation of Mr. LaPierre. Rather, I am using a reference to an obscurish Sam Peckinpah** movie to suggest that they, correctly, believe that a political struggle must be waged to limit the political influence of this odious public interest group.

**Needless to say, because of his portrayal of violence on film, it is quite clear that Peckinpah is mostly responsible for gun violence in America today, given an influence on American adolescents comparable to that of Mortal Kombat, the 2 Live Crew, Yar’s Revenge, and the other cutting-edge cultural references Mr. LaPierre’s assistants found by combing through old Hi & Lois cartoons. As for why other countries that have access to similar pop culture but more restrictive gun laws have much lower rates of gun violence, look, it’s Halley’s Comet!

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  • Tyto

    One of the true classics…

    • Michael H Schneider

      The classic classic is the original:

      And she, being before instructed of her mother, said, Give me here John Baptist’s head in a charger.

      Matthew 14:8

      You see, Erik Loomis is really an exotic dancer, and any story about what he said must be literally true.

  • Warren Terra

    Shorter Pierce, Serwer, and MacGillis: Bring me the head of Wayne LaPierre.*

    I can’t be the only person who read that to themselves in the guttural tones of Graeme Garden.

  • herr doktor bimler

    When I point to the Ambrose Bierce approach to protection-racketing arms dealers, I am not really advocating no wait yes I am.

  • mds

    Yar’s Revenge

    Harumph.

    (Is there an Atari Flashback on your Christmas list?)

    • Scott Lemieux

      No, but if any reader wants to buy me one…

    • spencer

      Double plus harrumph on that one.

  • swoof

    Hi & Lois? I demand equal representation for The Lockhorns and Willy & Ethel.

    • Malaclypse

      Beetle Bailey is better armed.

      • efgoldman

        Beetle Bailey is better armed.

        Actually, on an Army post (even a fictional cartoon one) Beetle probably has less access to loaded weapons than the average Texan.

    • “Oh Andy Kapp you wife beating drunk”
      Homer Simpson

      • c u n d gulag

        Conservatives would bet that Mallard Fillmore could beat Willie and Joe in a fight!

        He’d put them to sleep, and then shoot them.

  • peorgietirebiter

    I really don’t know how much longer I can resist the impulse to abandon even the slightest hope of ever engaging these people in anything that might approximate a rational discussion. When will one of ours stand up and say “screw it, the terrorists win and it’s time we bury them and establish a perimeter of salted earth around them.”
    (please understand I’m not advocating the idea of actually burying anyone alive with the intention of killing them.)

  • thebewilderness

    It is all entirely the fault of Rock and Roll and feminists. It is known.
    Pay no attention to those peeps preparing for the coming race war. The one that has been coming ever since the Haiti massacre of 1803 or thereabouts.

    • c u n d gulag

      Motown, led to Ho-town.

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  • Ken

    Scott, no offense, but I’d have prefered to have a ‘head-bringing’ post put up by Erik. Victory lap, and all that..

  • anniecat45

    I don’t want LaPierre’s head on a stick. I want him required to attend autopsies of shooting victims. I want him to visit rehab hospitals where victims of guns who were not killed struggle with recovery from non-lethal gun damage. I want him to be the named defendant in civil suits filed by victims of gun violence, or their survivors. I want his deposition taken by lawyers for those plaintiffs, with the plaintiffs also present.

    We can’t make him own the destructions wreaked by guns, but we should try to find a way to make sure he sees it.

    • efgoldman

      I don’t want LaPierre’s head on a stick.

      I want him to actually face a crazy with a loaded assault weapon. I’d like to see him shit his pants. So much better than a head on a pike.

  • Froley

    Oh, they’re quite familiar with Peckinpah’s oeuvre; their views on rape were informed by it.

    • Scott Lemieux

      Fair enough.

    • Ouch.

      I still love Peckinpah though. Even minor Peckinpah.

  • Matt

    Did he happen to mention Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog or the enema man? ;)

  • Visitor

    plus, if anyone’s missed Wonkette’s take on stick-gate, I recommend that person Check It Out.

    Especially if you were thinking, “wait, isn’t it, ‘his head on a pike?”

    • efgoldman

      Hey, Loomis needs to subscribe to the old notion that “there’s no such thing as bad publicity.”

  • The new internet tradition we’ve created here is explaining every metaphor in language that increasingly makes fun of the people who don’t understand metaphor.

    • Hogan

      Pearls before swine. Or possibly leading a horse to water.

      • Ignorant Texan

        You can lead (media) hor(s)ticulture, but you can’t make them think.

  • Joe Regular

    You guys are incredibly righteous and way smart. I admire you. It must be nice to have opponents who are all mentally retarded and worthy of nothing but contempt, all hundred million of them, including academics, leading citizens and accomplished individuals. Those dunces don’t deserve a moment of your time. At least you don’t have to think it through from both sides. What a chore that would be. And thank “god” those teachers didn’t have any icky guns available. Think of the example that would set.

    • MAJeff

      blah blah blah blah?

    • DrDick

      No, actually having to deal with brain damaged rejects like you is rather tiresome, though you do offer moments of unintentional humor.

    • thebewilderness

      Given the choice, Joe, I recommend the righteous over the self righteous any day or night.

    • Hogan

      including academics, leading citizens and accomplished individuals.

      Maybe you could do something useful and point us to some of them.

  • Joe Regular

    That’s correct MAJeff, all points of view besides your own are mere noise and as a buzzing of bees in an empty jar. The answers are before us. The other side are contemptable knuckle-dragging mouth-breather Neanderthal apes, not human beings. We are noble and wise and they are inherently evil. In fact,they should be eliminated, alas.

    • MAJeff

      And, JenBob….

    • DrDick

      You insult Neanderthals who were far more advanced than that.

    • thebewilderness

      Speak for yourself creepy d00d! Criminy!

  • Joe Regular

    That’s pretty much the lamest bunch of come-backs I’ve ever heard. You guys must work for Colbert. Way to go Dick Doctor. Well done Bewilderment. The answers are before you.

    • thebewilderness

      The point is creepy d00d that even when you are being a sarcastic asshat you are still being an asshat, yanno?

    • “Dick Doctor,” now–that’s some A-level material! Did you think of it all by your lonesome?

  • Joe Regular

    Interesting quote on why the Left is so arrogant and never listen to anything that does not fit rigidly into their miniscule world view:

    “When you think of yourself (as Loomis most surely does) as an apostolic soldier in the Righteous Army of Peace and Humanity, doing battle against the forces of Hate, there is no such thing as “fairness,” nor any rule of conduct that can limit your action.”

    I will let you geniuses figure out who wrote it. I’ll give you a hint. It’s called g-o-o-g-l-e. Duh duh, snort snort.

    • “When you think of yourself (as Loomis most surely does) as an apostolic soldier in the Righteous Army of Peace and Humanity, doing battle against the forces of Hate, there is no such thing as “fairness,” nor any rule of conduct that can limit your action.”

      “Onward Atheist Soldiers, Marching Onto War”*

      Metaphorical war naturally.

      • Anticorium

        When you think of yourself as an apostolic soldier in the Righteous Army of Peace and Humanity, Erik, do you picture yourself carrying a rifle, a bayonet, or one of those nonlethal microwave guns that disable people by heating their epidermis to two hundred degrees for a fraction of a second?

  • Joe Regular

    Too bad, Loomis, but no one hates like the Left. It goes right back to Marx and the elimination of the Kulaks, sort of a genocide of the rich. You are fighting an army of “haters” that doesn’t exist except in your addled brain.

    /Hogan, you need to Google “conservative thinkers.”. I’m saying that among the 50 or 60 million conservatives in the US, there must be a couple of dozen that deserve not to be laughed at.

    • charles pierce

      Marx eliminated the kulaks? He got around for an old guy.

      • Barry Freed

        That’s how they teach history in COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA.

  • Joe Regular

    I imagine he pictures himself wearing a Che Guevara beret.

  • charles pierce

    Also, I googled “conservative thinkers.” No matches were found.

  • Joe Regular

    Marx targeted them for class hatred, the kind of thing you guys are into.

    That’s funny Charlie, I get 25 million hits. Maybe your computer has been broken all this time and that’s why you’re so stupid. Maybe you need a government program.

    • The Dark Avenger

      Except that Marx stated that he ‘wasn’t a Marxist’, you’re perfectly correct in a NRO.com kind of way.

  • Joe Regular

    You’re welcome Geo, it’s better than Colbert isn’t it. And here I am giving it away for free out of the abundance of my gifts.

  • Byond Politics

    It’s disingenuous to blame NRA members for the US’s high homicide rate when the statistics just don’t support it. Worse, it is outrageously callous towards the real victims of violent crime in the US because your venom towards those with whom you disagree means that you are unwilling to look at the failed social policies that have created our cities.

    If you look at just the 5 largest cities in the U.S., they account for 15% of the murders but only 6% of the total population. That doesn’t even include high crime rate places like Detroit.

    Of course, you can get even more specific. Black men make up fully 1/3 of murder victims in the US but only make up about 6 or 7% of the total population. That’s terrifying and ought not be ignored.

    Do you think NRA members are the cause of these murders? I don’t. It turns out that many people who are murdered (including 100 kids in Chicago), are murdered by criminals who ignore tight gun control laws… much like the victims at Sandy Hook who were killed by someone who committed murder to steal the weapons.

    On the other hand, many rural areas of the US that have high numbers of NRA members have homicide rates that are akin to those in Europe.

    It’s horrific that you’re ignoring the staggering number of murder victims, who are clearly located in very specific populations, while you cry alligator tears about your precious hurt feelings.

    • thebewilderness

      More than twice as many people per capita die from gun violence in rural areas.
      Your argument is invalid.

  • Joe Regular

    Children who grow up in broken families and broken schools and broken communities don’t have anyone to tell them that they matter and how to live. Left Wing social policies create these broken communities. The schools are the shits but everyone is locked into them. The State pays a single mother more than any man in that community can earn, so the State essentially becomes their husband. Millions more are jobless and on food stamps thanks to Obuma, and so they lose all chance of building a good life for themselves. But the Left is so busy howling down the right that they don’t even bother with these real problems. People who want to solve these problems are branded RACISTS for even mentioning these problems. Self-righteous blowhards on the Left shout them down and then the vultures in the MSM and the loudmouths on the internet finish them off. They go away disgraced and humiliated and the rabble jeers them on.

    What to do about school shootings? Well, it might help somewhat to have a few trained teachers in every school and a weapon nearby in case of an emergency. That is not the only answer, but it might be part of the answer.

    • LoriK

      That is not the only answer, but it might be part of the answer.

      It might be, in some alternate universe, but in this one it’s not.

      Setting aside all the other stupid things about this idea (and there are several), who is going to pay for this teacher army?

      Who picks up the tab for the guns and ammo? Who is going to pay for their training and the range time needed to keep that training up to date? How is going to pay the overtime costs?

      Is this yet another thing that teachers are supposed to pay for themselves because a tax increase is worse than Hitler and after all, don’t teachers love children?

      If you’re going to whine about how no one here takes conservatives seriously you need to come up with some ideas that are worth more than an eye roll.

  • Uncle Kvetch

    The State pays a single mother more than any man in that community can earn, so the State essentially becomes their husband.

    Eh, what the hell…

    How much does “the State” pay a single mother, exactly? And how does this compare to what “any man in that community can earn”? I want real numbers here.

    • Hogan

      Well, duh. If there were a man in the community earning more than The State [sic] pays, obviously she would marry him.

      • Joe Regular

        No, the State cuts off her pay once her husband has an income. Hence, she doesn’t get married. So thanks to the State you get mothers without husbands, children without fathers, and men without a commitment to the future through their children. If you don’t think that matters then you are one cold hearted bastard.

        • Hogan

          The “no cash assistance to able-bodied men” rule is actually a conservative idea, not a liberal one. So yes, it’s a problem, and you and yours need to own it.

    • Malaclypse

      Children who grow up in broken families and broken schools and broken communities don’t have anyone to tell them that they matter and how to live.

      It’s all true. For example, has anyone ever actually heard a single parent tell their child that they are loved? Answer that, libtards!

      • thebewilderness

        He means a man. Children have no value unless they are told they have value by a man. It is the basic MRA belief that nothing happens if a man does not do it, and when a man does do a thing that is a bad thing it is a womans fault that he did it.

        • Joe Regular

          I don’t mean a man, that’s stupid. I mean to say that there are broken communities and people suffer for it. Not that you would care. You’re too busy detecting sexism.

          • Malaclypse

            You’re too busy detecting sexism stupidity.

            Fixed.

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