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The Wretched of the Earth


Robert Barnwell Rhett would be embarrassed to learn that his self-parodying ideological heirs are, it seems, actually pleading with the Twelfth Imam to set them the fuck free already. The White House petitions — which you can read here — are just as faithful to the rhythms of grammatical and punctuational orthodoxy as you’d expect from people who can actually imagine an independent Kansan Republic. But for the love of Christ, these people could use some truth:

There’s only one way to be a first-class citizen. There’s only one way to be independent. There’s only one way to be free. It’s not something that someone gives to you. It’s something that you take. Nobody can give you independence. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you’re a man, you take it. If you can’t take it, you don’t deserve it.

What do you say, people of Wyoming? It’s time to stop singing and start swinging.

(Now as for Alaskans, we’re a peaceful people who believe in fair dealing and compromise, and we’re not beyond politely asking for stuff. In that spirit, my students crafted this during tonight’s session, and we’re optimistic that it will receive a proper hearing.)

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  • Is Wyoming the new Algeria? If so who are the Pied Noirs?

    • rea

      Is Wyoming the new Algeria? If so who are the Pied Noirs?

      Well, these people.

      • Pestilence

        Thats too funny

      • DrDick

        Actually, those folks are up here in Montana and in Alberta, CA. In Wyoming, you had Crow, Shoshone, and Arapaho. Of course, the Wyoming Crow were the Kicked-in-the-Belly band, so maybe that counts.

  • bph

    That one from Alaska (or at least a certain history class) is really fucking funny.

    • Halloween Jack

      (and two bears) made me giggle like a schoolgirl.

  • ajay

    From the article:

    Louisiana, meanwhile, is still nearly 9,000 signatories short of being taken seriously.

    Oh, I think it may take more than that.

  • Already more people than actually wrote in Jesus, I’ll guess.

  • I saw a lot of signatures from New York on that Wyoming petition.

    • Hogan

      Yeah, the Pennsylvania petition had only a handful of signatures from Pennsylvania residents. I think I’ve spotted a flaw in their methodology.

      • JKTHs

        I think they’ve gerrymandered state borders so those non-Pennsylvanians are actually in Pennsylvania. You just don’t realize it yet

        • Hogan

          There are parts of western New York I wouldn’t mind taking in, but I’ll be damned if I stand for letting anyone inflict Dallas, Texas on us. For one thing, we already have a perfectly good Dallas. It’s got a prison and everything.

  • Matt McKeon

    Jon Stewart:

    “Just let them cry themselves to sleep. It’s the only way they’ll learn.”

  • rea

    Only two bears? The traditional offer is a blonde woman and three bears (one too hot, one too cold and one just right).

    • witless chum

      Noon’s students are willing to negotiate on the bear question, I’d imagine, but the reduced U.S. taking the particular woman in question away is ironclad.

    • Jon H

      Someone ask Andrew Sullivan.

    • Malaclypse

      Let’s define our terms, gentlemen. Are we talking about redistricting, or reapportionment polar bears, or grizzlies?

      • DrDick

        As an endangered species, polar bears have much greater value, so I would hold out for them.

    • catclub

      Is one of the bears Andrew Sullivan?

      • DrDick


  • herr doktor bimler

    Maths is not the Gawker strong point:

    the petition asking the Obama administration to “peacefully grant” Texas secession has gained over 10,000 signatures, surpassing the 25,000 necessary to elicit a response from the government.

    • I was wondering about that.

    • NonyNony

      The operative words here are “has gained”.

      the petition asking the Obama administration to “peacefully grant” Texas secession has gained over 10,000 signatures, surpassing the 25,000 necessary

      That was in the update and was referring back to the earlier article:

      Petitions for secession filed from Louisiana and Texas have already received well over 10,000 signatures.

      They had over 10,000, then they gained over 10,000, so now they’re over 25,000.

      (I question the phrasing used by the gawker author, but the intent behind the math is mostly clear).

    • Warren Terra

      OK, they’re entitled to a response. I propose a one-word answer: “Nuts”.

      (Mostly because I can’t figure out a way to cut these losers loose that doesn’t hurt a lot of other people).

      • DrDick

        I prefer, “Sit on it and rotate!”

      • Hogan

        “Be quiet now. The grownups are talking.”

      • Malaclypse

        I seem to recall that “elections have consequences” was popular in certain parts back around 2004.

  • owlbear1
    • Manta

      So, it’s a petition to accept all the withdraw petitions?

      • NonyNony

        No, deportation is different from secession in that we get to keep the land and just lose the people.

        But as Warren says below – where would you deport them to?

        Maybe they’ll self-deport?

    • Warren Terra

      Yes, but to where?

      • jefft452

        Who cares?
        as the bartender says at closing time “you dont have to go home, but you cant stay here”

  • c u n d gulag

    So, you want we should let you go, so you can form your own Peoples Republicans (sic) of Dumbfuckistan?

    So… GO already!
    Oh, and lose our address and phone number.
    Once you go – you are DEAD to us!

    • rea

      Except that the whole country belongs to us–they don’t get to leave and take part with them. Let them move to Somalia if they want to go.

      • Wido Incognitus

        Except that the whole country belongs to us–they don’t get to leave and take part with them. Let them move to Somalia if they want to go.

        They can choose between emigrating to countries that are white but have less religion and more government, or to countries that have more religion and less government but are less white. Hmmm…

        • Wido Incognitus

          “immigrating to”

        • JKTHs

          Judging by the timing I think they’ll take less white regardless of the religion or government

          • JKTHs

            Err…I mean the other way around! Dammit

      • c u n d gulag

        Poor Somalia has enough troubles without having tribes of our angry armed white people who hate blah and brown people moving in.

        Though, the thought of Newt as some sort of War Lord, with some bandelero gun belts across his man-titties, an Uzi strapped to his back, a rocket launcher in one hand, and a pork chop in the other, does provide me with some much needed comic relief.

        • Malaclypse

          In the immortal words of John Scalzi:

          I really don’t know what you do about the “taxes are theft” crowd, except possibly enter a gambling pool regarding just how long after their no-tax utopia comes true that their generally white, generally entitled, generally soft and pudgy asses are turned into thin strips of Objectivist Jerky by the sort of pitiless sociopath who is actually prepped and ready to live in the world that logically follows these people’s fondest desires. Sorry, guys. I know you all thought you were going to be one of those paying a nickel for your cigarettes in Galt Gulch. That’ll be a fine last thought for you as the starving remnants of the society of takers closes in with their flensing tools.

          • Craigo

            Oh, lord, that was a funny little webspasm there for a while. My favorites were the “producers” who were deliberately reducing their income to go down a bracket.

            Today we have people who simultaneously claim that the capital-gains tax is totally the Holocaust, and that the federal income tax is the only tax ever and you’re living scot-free if you don’t pay it. Have things improved?

        • sparks

          Well, is Bikini Atoll inhabitable yet?

          • Warren Terra

            Certainly, their new home should be someplace likely to sink below sea level if their belief in a conspiracy by climate scientists to falsely concoct Global Warming turns out to be misguided.

          • Pestilence

            And if it is, can we irradiate it again first?

      • Somalians

        Do we get a say?

        • Somalians is slang for money, and yes, somalians always get a say.

          Somalis, on the other hand, not so much.

          • Dave

            I think you’ll find that’s “simoleons”…

    • Incontinentia Buttocks

      We seem to get treated to these secession fantasies every four years. And they’re shockingly two-sided: one side threatens to leave, the other says “good riddance.”

      How can I put this politely? You may hate the majority of folks here in very red America. Heck _I_ hate the politics of a large majority of the folks here in very red America. But we’re all US citizens. And many of us–more than a third if last week’s election is any indication–very much value being part of a country that’s much less red than our states.

      This really is a purple country. Fuck the red state firebreathers who make these idiotic noises about secession. But also, fuck the blue staters who welcome these secession noises…even in jest. We in the red states are your fellow countrypeople. We deserve better.

      • c u n d gulag

        I know you are.
        And I lived down South for almost a decade, and I met many, many fine people – more Liberals than I ever thought were down there – and even some non-crazy Conservatives (though they truly were a minority).

        I was just trying to make a little joke.


        • timb

          Don’t apologize for joking. Make fun of the people who can’t take a joke

      • Leeds man

        We deserve better.

        One third of you do. Willful denial of reality (climate, evolution, class war) causes real harm to everyone. The deniers deserve scorn and ridicule. The scum who encourage and promote their ignorance deserve much worse.

      • The difference is that the Right wants to secede. Liberals threaten to move. Come to think of it, that’s how both sides legislate too.

      • Halloween Jack

        Please, IB, please for the luvva Mike, chillax out a wee bit. No one’s writing you and yours off. Granted, part of my objections to secession is that it would hurt the Union a lot to lose the lower Mississippi and the port of New Orleans, but still. Plus, of course, you’d get to emigrate before the borders get mined. (Still kidding! Really!)

      • Uncle Ebeneezer

        But also, fuck the blue staters who welcome these secession noises…even in jest

        But we don’t welcome the secession noises. I would much rather these cry babies: 1.) wake the fuck up and embrace reality by crawling out of their FoxNews bubbles of denial and liberal conspiracy fantasies, 2.) consider the people outside of their class/demographic as fellow Americans and equally as important as the rich, white, male, 3.) stop acting as if taxes=slavery!!1!, 4.) stop supporting candidates who demonize brown people, gays, women who work etc. and at the very least 5.) understand that secession threats are so ridiculous (not to mention a bit unpatriotic) that they deserve to be ridiculed. I wish these people would either stop with the stupid secession fantasies (which are no different than a 4 year old take-my-ball-and-go-home complaint) or live with the fact that such statements deserve mockery. Actions are supposed to have consequences. Though apparently that only applies to unwanted pregnancies, not foolish secession petitions crafted by a bunch of sore losers.

        • Don’t be bitter – enjoy!

          Who is this we you speak of in powerful overtones?
          Maybe you’ll convert them with your run-on sentence powers of suasion and atheistic Red Sox worshipping tempered with a self righteous mandate to ridicule opposing citizenry and B) because, shut up- that’s why!!1! Internettoughguy!!1!

          • Malaclypse

            Maybe you’ll convert them with your run-on sentence powers of suasion and atheistic Red Sox worshipping tempered with a self righteous mandate to ridicule opposing citizenry and B) because, shut up- that’s why!!1! Internettoughguy!!1!

            Poe’s Law is harsh, but fair.

            • Leeds man

              Quoth the raving, “Nevermore!”.

          • Uncle Ebeneezer

            I’m honored by the attention you pay to my sports affinities. Everyone should have their own personal troll. I’m blessed.

            Americans calling for secession every time an election/piece of legislation/SCOTUS ruling doesn’t go their way seems pretty worthy of ridicule to me. A quick scan of liberal blogs will show that I’m hardly alone in that regard. If you don’t see the hair-trigger SECESSION screams as ridiculous, feel free to explain why.

            Or if you agree on their ridiculous nature, but wish the rest of us shared your noble ability to stay silent, again please explain a better course of action so we all can follow your lead. Make sure to include evidence for why your approach to change hearts and minds is so superior. And be careful not to use a mocking tone in explaining the evils of mockery, otherwise it kinda kneecaps your premise.

            Either way, the right to point and laugh at the laughable and even “ridicule opposing citizenry” is a right. And some people are exercising that right. No mandate needed.

  • Derelict

    This is all HA-HA, Yuck-Yuck, look at those dumbfucks!

    But it isn’t. Consider the level of delusion and misinformation these people labor under, how tragically ill informed they are to believe down to the very marrow of their bones that simply having Obama as president has resulted in their enslavement. These people really and truly believe they have had all of their freedoms taken away.

    You can laugh at them, but you do need to recognize that people like this are very dangerous. It is precisely this kind of nonsense that will, probably sooner rather than later, lead someone to fill up a rental truck with fertilizer to “start the revolution that will overthrow tyranny!”

    • Stag Party Palin

      The fact that they are dangerous does not mean that treating them in a polite non-insulting way (or ignoring them) is the best way to deal with them. Humor is a very effective weapon. It educates and energizes your side, etc.,etc.

      You won’t prevent fertilizer bombs by being a nice guy. You won’t cause them by laughing. Idiots will eventually find a trigger since that’s all they’re looking for.

    • Murc

      The thing is that these people are never gonna go away, tho.

      If one-tenth one percent of the population is composed of batshit insane Galtists, that’s 300,000 people. That’s a lot. That’s actually enough for a major city.

      I’m not saying they’re not dangerous, but they’re also certainly worth laughing at.

  • MAJeff

    And you absolutely know that any of these people clamoring for secession would absolutely lose their shit if you called them un-American.

    • Western Dave

      That’s what makes them scary. In 1860, the Confederates were pretty well convinced that they were more American than those pesky Yankees.

  • ralphdibny

    Huh. I always wondered what the conservative version of “moving to Canada” was. This year really is Bizarro 2004, isn’t it?

  • “The Twelfth Imam.”

    Heh. I like that.

  • Warren Terra

    I believe the first blow has been struck in the battle against the voters who re-confirmed the Kenyan Commie Dictatorship. As is often the case, it’s an attack not on the true enemy but upon the less ideologically committed within their own ranks.

    • Leeds man

      There’s a Ralph Nader joke in there somewhere.

      • Malaclypse

        Marrying a wingnut is unsafe at any speed.

    • JKTHs

      Oh man, imagine if that guy HAD voted. Arizona would have flipped for Romney and that would have been the election!

  • herr doktor bimler

    Vis-a-vis emigration, I would welcome a reality-TV version of “Mosquito Coast”.

  • Let one state go. All the garbage/toxic waste problems of the other states can then be solved by the entrepreneurial spirit of that state’s go-it-aloners.

  • Tom

    I’m taken my ball n goin home.

  • mr. sc

    it’s a good joke and all – but for the foreign policy peeps here, it might be an interesting exercise to consider the geopolitical implications of a USA that has peacefully split into dr. jekyll and mr. hyde nations.

    points to consider:

    -what about the military? can you trust the new republic of gilead to not go glass the mideast on israel’s behalf, if they’re capable?

    -how does a bullshit new nation on the gold standard get by in the world? what happens to the value of the dollar?

    -what about water rights treaties? if indiana secedes, what about their rights on the great lakes?

    etc. it’s funny and all, but you can’t just pretend red states would simply Go Away if they seceded. they’d be there, and it would be a big fucking deal.

    • Lurker

      The splitting of the military would be a truly difficult deal. The US military is mostly Republican and Southern, so a large number of units abroad would declare for the neo-confederacy. The land-based nuclear missiles in the mid-West would fall into the hands of the new Red confederacy, as well as the Army and Air Force training and logistics bases there.

      The extremely important naval bases in San Diego and New England would mean that the Navy and the Marine Corps would be in the blue Union but the officers might disagree.

      So, generally taken, the Army and the Air Force would be in the Confederacy, while the Navy and the Marines would be in the Union. If it came to a (conventionally fought) civil war, the Confederacy would win, as the Army, with the Air Force support, is exactly the branch designed to conquer large land masses, such as the blue states.

      On the other hand, instead of secession happening, I believe that a military coup to overthrow the Obama administration is much more likely.

      • mr. sc

        well… i was assuming some sort of magical peaceful dissolution in which both sides simply say “good riddance”. that wouldn’t make dividing up the military any easier, of course.

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