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The Decline of Civilization

[ 112 ] October 23, 2012 |

If it hasn’t already started, I’d say this might be the time.

I don’t care that the review said it was less terrible than you’d expect. There are lines that should not be crossed.

Comments (112)

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  1. calling all toasters says:

    So bacon vodka is OK?

  2. djw says:

    I think I’d probably rather drink this than the “cake” flavored vodka, if it came to that. I realized something had gone terribly wrong when my tv told me that X brand whipped cream flavored vodka soundly be Y brand whipped cream flavored vodka in a taste test.

  3. Leeds man says:

    It’s worse than crème de menthe? Hard to believe.

  4. Linnaeus says:

    I like vodka, and even some flavored vodkas are good. But this is ridiculous.

  5. Tom says:

    What is it with our national obsession with pumpkin-flavored everything in the month of October?

  6. Holden Pattern says:

    “Less terrible than you’d expect” could also be a review of most of the dental procedures I’ve had.

    Which is to say, I would not have paid money to engage in that activity recreationally, and drinking this vodka is in the same category.

    • arguingwithsignposts says:

      “Less terrible than you’d expect” could also be a review of most of the dental procedures I’ve had.

      Nobody died is not a positive review.

  7. JazzBumpa says:

    Since the only rational purpose for vodka is to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible, what’s up with all the fruity flavors?

    I mean – if I want pumpkin pie, I’ll just eat a slice.

    I don’t need to be drunk to enjoy it.

    ???????

    JzB

  8. Manju says:

    A real pumpkin pie flavored with imitation vodka? That’s a problem. This? Not so much.

    Wake me up when O’Doul’s gets involved.

  9. ploeg says:

    This product at least has the virtue of containing alcohol. Whereas….

    • sparks says:

      Hey, those turkey-flavored lollipops I see in the Mexican grocery stores would go well with pumpkin pie vodka. Dip the pop in some gravy, suck on it for awhile, have a shot of vodka. It’d be the saddest Thanksgiving ever!

  10. Tom Hilton says:

    This is appalling, but not as appalling as marshmallow flavored vodka.

    I mean, what the fuck does a marshmallow even taste like? And what possible use is there for it, except maybe to wash down candy-corn flavore Oreos (yes, that’s actually a thing)?

  11. Ian says:

    Thankfully, vodka flavored pumpkin pie doesn’t exist. Better, it can’t exist.

  12. DocAmazing says:

    Schnapps is losing its exclusive position as Official Weird Flavored Booze. I look forward to Esquire publishing a cocktail recipe that calls for marshmallow vodka and peanut butter schnapps with a drizzle of Bailey’s.

    • DrDick says:

      I thought that was Jägermeister, aka booze for people who like cough syrup..

      • herr doktor bimler says:

        I offer you Gammel Dansk, the liqueur designed to be less appetising than Jagermeister.

      • CaptBackslap says:

        The story of how Jagermeister went from something that German immigrants drank as an apertif to a college mainstay is pretty fascinating, really.

        • Pseudonym says:

          Link or it didn’t happen.

          • CaptBackslap says:

            I can’t find the article now, but the gist of it was that one of the big distributors bought the U.S. rights for basically nothing, since it was a niche product. Then, the new distributor noticed that Texas A&M (or was it Texas Tech?) students were daring each other to take shots of the stuff, and capitalized by putting up billboards for it locally. Eventually, the marketing spread around the country, and the rest is syrupy, vile history.

      • jon says:

        Jagermeister is an herb flavored digestive, mainly drunk by doddering old guys in Germany. It’s part of a family of liquers called enzienwasser, that are distilled from gathered roots, herbs and other alpine and woodland foliage.

  13. palolololo says:

    The actual bottom is Mountain Dew-flavored vodka.
    Which does exist. Definitely doomed,we are.

  14. KadeKo says:

    I was planning to make some pumpkin pie cocktails* soon, and this vodka is not in the recipe.

    The pumpkin goodness will be from the actual pumpkin I’m baking from scratch.

    (*They’re called “martinis”, but I won’t use that word, but plan to try them just the same.)

  15. Major Kong says:

    I don’t even like pumpkin pie all that much.

    I’ve found there’s very little distance between the worst pumpkin pie I’ve ever had and the best.

  16. New Glarus Brewery (WI) used to make a pumpkin flavored ale in the fall, it was okay, after 6 it don’t matter nohow.

    But the New Glarus Spotted Cow? Slainte!

    • Halloween Jack says:

      There are lots of pumpkin ales out there, and some of them are quite yummy. Note that this is not the same as allspice-flavored ale, which some places market as “pumpkin”.

  17. efgoldman says:

    But the New Glarus Spotted Cow? Slainte!

    But you gotta’ squeeze those spotted cows real hard to get the juice out.

  18. SatanicPanic says:

    Once you leave your 20′s behind, there’s no reason to drink cheap and/or flavored booze. I’d rather cut back than drink junk. This doesn’t apply to beer however. I still love some cheap beer.

    • sparks says:

      When I asked for bourbon neat with friends from work as I just got to drinking age, you should have seen the looks I got. Even the waitress wouldn’t believe I wanted that and kept trying to help me change my order. Everyone else had mixed or nonalcoholic drinks and thought I was a budding hardcore alcoholic.

    • Aaron B. says:

      I disagree. There’s no reason to drink artifically flavored booze, i.e. bacon vodka. But, when natural ingredients are used as part of the brewing/distilling etc. I think it adds a delightful extra layer of complexity to the Booze Production Possibilities Frontier. See, e.g., beer: you’ve got your peach ales, chocolate stouts, watermelon hefs, etc.

      • befuggled says:

        Hell yeah. To be fair, though, some of both the best and worst beers I’ve ever had have had fruit in them. A good kriek is one of the finer things in life, but the Cherryland (?) cherry lager was one of the worst beers I ever had.

        (And it turned out I knew the guy that owned the brewery, albeit not very well.)

  19. Ken says:

    Have you looked at Kool-Aid lately? You can get a blue powder that turns orange when dissolved in water, and tastes of artificial cherry. It’s a fascinating example of food chemistry, if not of food.

    So someday we might have a pink vodka that turns day-glo blue when chilled below freezing, and tastes of watermelon gum. Then I’ll say we’ve hit bottom.

  20. Aaron B. says:

    Well, we’ve reached the Pinnacle. Obviously it’s all downhill from here.

  21. Calming Influence says:

    Oh sure, all high and mighty now, Great Protector of Civilization, but I’m betting on November 22nd when you start drunk-tweeting about the AWESOME! punkin-pie-tinis your suckin’ down at Grammy’s house and how they’re just THE perfecto accompaniment to turkey and mashies, we’ll come back here and find this post mysteriously absent from the archives!

  22. Wendell says:

    Bluntly speaking, this is for underage girls who want to get drunk fast but are intimidated by the taste of real alcohol. That’s not me being insulting, that is literally the demographic that Pinnacle is aimed at. It comes in a whole range of candy and pie flavors, and all of them taste disgustingly over sweetened, with a lingering aftertaste of chemical additives. I ended up with two full bottles of this stuff in my house after a party. After due consideration, I poured them down the sink because A) There was no way I was drinking the stuff and B) I could not, in good conscience, allow another human being, however misguided, to drink that swill either. I don’t think it did my pipes any good, but the price had to be paid.

  23. herr doktor bimler says:

    I have a craving now for cocktails made with wood-infused rum, just so I can explain to the medics afterwards that it was “A hickory Daiquari, Doc”.

  24. LeeEsq says:

    Why hasn’t anybody tried marketing sherry to kids? Sherries can get pretty sweet, some of them are basically raisin wine, and should be acceptable to the people who drink pumpkin pie vodka.

  25. N__B says:

    We made habanero-infused vodka a while back. Great stuff if you could drink it and keep it down.

    • sparks says:

      Infuse it with peyote next time. Two great mind altering substances in one, neither palatable.

      Okay, I admit it. I just wanted this thread to have an even hundred posts.

    • RedSquareBear says:

      One year the wife and I brought infused jalapeno vodka (just shit-cheap Svedka or something).

      Unfortunately, we miscalculated the length we should infuse for (I thought Thanksgiving was a week earlier than it was).

      The result was, um, pungent.

      Not “bad” per se, but certainly “undrinkable”.

  26. Tehanu says:

    I guess I’m the only one to point out that this isn’t evidence of the beginning of the fall of civilization — this is evidence that it’s already happened and we’re just sitting in the ruins. Drinking anesthetics.

  27. Halloween Jack says:

    I have in fact put salmon-flavored vodka in my mouth, voluntarily, and even paid for the experience. (It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t much of a much; just sort of vaguely smoky-flavored. Actually, I had it in a Bloody Mary.)

  28. jon says:

    Will Gordon, who writes Drinking the Bottom Shelf, is a literary genius. He’s fated to blow up into globe bestriding greatness at any moment. His posts should be mandatory reading for all.

  29. cpinva says:

    that vodka is actually allowed to be openly sold in this country means a line was crossed years ago. “flavoring” it simply means you now have funny tasting grain alcohol, but it’s still grain alcohol.

    now you know why all russian literature is so depressing. between the weather and vodka, what’s there to be happy about?

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