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The Decline of Civilization

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If it hasn’t already started, I’d say this might be the time.

I don’t care that the review said it was less terrible than you’d expect. There are lines that should not be crossed.

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  • calling all toasters

    So bacon vodka is OK?

  • djw

    I think I’d probably rather drink this than the “cake” flavored vodka, if it came to that. I realized something had gone terribly wrong when my tv told me that X brand whipped cream flavored vodka soundly be Y brand whipped cream flavored vodka in a taste test.

    • Davis X. Machina

      ….that means there are at least two whipped-cream-flavored vodkas.

      We’re doomed.

  • Leeds man

    It’s worse than crème de menthe? Hard to believe.

    • At least that drink has a history behind it.

      Though it’s certainly not my thing.

      • I believe it also has a purpose: the parents used to, on special nights, give me a great big bowl of ice-cream flavoured with creme de menthe.

        Then of course I turned 27 and left home.

        • Leeds man

          That’s the best use of the stuff I’ve heard of.

          If my parents had treated me to vodka/lime juice slushies, I never would have left home. As it is, I didn’t discover them until I was, funnily enough, 27.

        • Bill Murray

          for me it was my grandparents — make your own ice cream, then put creme de menthe flavored syrup on it. Sadly less alcohol than Vick’s Formula 44

      • Davis X. Machina

        At least that drink has a history behind it.

        And show tunes. Lots of show tunes.

        • herr doktor bimler

          And at least one Billy Connolly joke.

          • Dave

            Alas, that pope is long gone…

  • Linnaeus

    I like vodka, and even some flavored vodkas are good. But this is ridiculous.

    • Richard

      Lemon and pear flavored vodkas can be used in some very excellent mixed drinks. Hard to see what you could mix with pumpkin pie flavored vodka.

      • Cody

        Whipped Cream Vodka, duh?

  • Tom

    What is it with our national obsession with pumpkin-flavored everything in the month of October?

    • Quicksand

      Moreover, there’s no actual pumpkin flavor in any of this stuff. Squash, yuck.

      Cinnamon and nutmeg and clove are tasty enough though, I guess.

  • Holden Pattern

    “Less terrible than you’d expect” could also be a review of most of the dental procedures I’ve had.

    Which is to say, I would not have paid money to engage in that activity recreationally, and drinking this vodka is in the same category.

    • arguingwithsignposts

      “Less terrible than you’d expect” could also be a review of most of the dental procedures I’ve had.

      Nobody died is not a positive review.

  • Since the only rational purpose for vodka is to get as drunk as possible as quickly as possible, what’s up with all the fruity flavors?

    I mean – if I want pumpkin pie, I’ll just eat a slice.

    I don’t need to be drunk to enjoy it.

    ???????

    JzB

    • Leeds man

      the only rational purpose for vodka is to get as drunk as possible

      Right. And the only rational purpose for air is to get hyperventilated. You’ve heard of mixers?

      • Pseudonym

        So the only rational purpose for vodka is to taste like nothing in order to let you get as drunk as possible?

        • Leeeee

          That seems right to me.

    • efgoldman

      …what’s up with all the fruity flavors?

      Its to get the younger people, who they swear they’re not targeting, to try it.

      • Richard

        Its also because fruit tastes good and fruity flavors mixed with vodka, if done right, can taste good. Just recently had a melon martini at Commander’s Palace in New Orleans and it was absolutely delicious.

        • Of course, it wasn’t actually a martini since it was made with vodka.

          • Seven minutes! I was counting.

          • spencer

            But it was in a martini glass, Erik – a martini glass!

          • Bexley

            They should have used gin flavoured vodka.

            • Dave

              Ginception!

    • “dessert” shots and etc. mixed drinks. basically think about making milkshakes ultra alcoholic.

      • LeeEsq

        DuMont Burgers in Williamsburg, Brooklyn actually sells boozy shakes, which are pretty much milkshake cocktails. Very alcoholic and fattening at the same time.

  • Manju

    A real pumpkin pie flavored with imitation vodka? That’s a problem. This? Not so much.

    Wake me up when O’Doul’s gets involved.

    • Pseudonym

      Why not at least make the vodka have the flavor of real pumpkin pie?

      • Manju

        As long as it works in jello form, i’m all for it.

  • ploeg

    This product at least has the virtue of containing alcohol. Whereas….

    • sparks

      Hey, those turkey-flavored lollipops I see in the Mexican grocery stores would go well with pumpkin pie vodka. Dip the pop in some gravy, suck on it for awhile, have a shot of vodka. It’d be the saddest Thanksgiving ever!

      • I never thought Thanksgiving food could actually get worse. Turns out I might be wrong.

        • STH

          This is why my SO and I no longer go to my mother’s house for Thanksgiving–that Thanksgiving food can be great, but not if made by a terrible cook. Oh, the crimes she has committed against innocent cuts of meat . . . .

        • sparks

          The turkey-flavored lollipop I was given as a gag by a young woman who asked me to taste it, saying I’d like it. I thought it had an odd shape and asked her what it was. She kept saying “try it”, so stupidly I did. I couldn’t spit it out fast enough.

      • Bill Murray

        you should throw in some spam and some bread crumbs. End with a dandy cranberry shandy

  • This is appalling, but not as appalling as marshmallow flavored vodka.

    I mean, what the fuck does a marshmallow even taste like? And what possible use is there for it, except maybe to wash down candy-corn flavore Oreos (yes, that’s actually a thing)?

    • Malaclypse

      This is appalling, but not as appalling as marshmallow flavored vodka.

      I’m really not sure how you can properly rank the awfulness.

      • DrDick

        The only flavored vodka anyone should ever drink.

        • Andrew

          Uncle Elliott approves.

        • HP

          Reminds me of that shrubbery-flavored vodka they make. My liquor store has a whole aisle of it. I mean, I like a nice hedge, but to drink?

          • Fail.

            Going to have to make a martini this evening I see.

          • Knights who say Ni!

            We demand a shrubbery-flavoured vodka!

        • mattH

          ^_^ I have some of that in the freezer.

        • herr doktor bimler

          I have had some fine Pertsovka, sir.

          • DrDick

            Meh.

    • So you can make S’Mores shots!!!! Heh. Super gross, but probably better than Chocolate Skittles.

    • Oh, thanks for reminding me. I have to get to Target for some of those Oreos.

  • Ian

    Thankfully, vodka flavored pumpkin pie doesn’t exist. Better, it can’t exist.

  • DocAmazing

    Schnapps is losing its exclusive position as Official Weird Flavored Booze. I look forward to Esquire publishing a cocktail recipe that calls for marshmallow vodka and peanut butter schnapps with a drizzle of Bailey’s.

    • DrDick

      I thought that was Jägermeister, aka booze for people who like cough syrup..

      • herr doktor bimler

        I offer you Gammel Dansk, the liqueur designed to be less appetising than Jagermeister.

      • CaptBackslap

        The story of how Jagermeister went from something that German immigrants drank as an apertif to a college mainstay is pretty fascinating, really.

        • Pseudonym

          Link or it didn’t happen.

          • CaptBackslap

            I can’t find the article now, but the gist of it was that one of the big distributors bought the U.S. rights for basically nothing, since it was a niche product. Then, the new distributor noticed that Texas A&M (or was it Texas Tech?) students were daring each other to take shots of the stuff, and capitalized by putting up billboards for it locally. Eventually, the marketing spread around the country, and the rest is syrupy, vile history.

      • jon

        Jagermeister is an herb flavored digestive, mainly drunk by doddering old guys in Germany. It’s part of a family of liquers called enzienwasser, that are distilled from gathered roots, herbs and other alpine and woodland foliage.

  • palolololo

    The actual bottom is Mountain Dew-flavored vodka.
    Which does exist. Definitely doomed,we are.

    • DocAmazing

      Xtreme, d00d!

  • herr doktor bimler
  • KadeKo

    I was planning to make some pumpkin pie cocktails* soon, and this vodka is not in the recipe.

    The pumpkin goodness will be from the actual pumpkin I’m baking from scratch.

    (*They’re called “martinis”, but I won’t use that word, but plan to try them just the same.)

    • efgoldman

      The pumpkin goodness will be from the actual pumpkin I’m baking from scratch.

      The only actual pumpkin from scratch starts from a seed in the dirt.

      • SeanH

        Ingredients: hydrogen, time.

        (h/t xkcd, obviously)

  • Major Kong

    I don’t even like pumpkin pie all that much.

    I’ve found there’s very little distance between the worst pumpkin pie I’ve ever had and the best.

    • Linnaeus

      You know, I thought I was the only one in the country who felt that way. Glad to see that I’m not.

  • Pete Mack

    But Pumpkin Liquer looks ok.

  • New Glarus Brewery (WI) used to make a pumpkin flavored ale in the fall, it was okay, after 6 it don’t matter nohow.

    But the New Glarus Spotted Cow? Slainte!

    • Halloween Jack

      There are lots of pumpkin ales out there, and some of them are quite yummy. Note that this is not the same as allspice-flavored ale, which some places market as “pumpkin”.

  • efgoldman

    But the New Glarus Spotted Cow? Slainte!

    But you gotta’ squeeze those spotted cows real hard to get the juice out.

    • herr doktor bimler

      Milk stout.

  • SatanicPanic

    Once you leave your 20’s behind, there’s no reason to drink cheap and/or flavored booze. I’d rather cut back than drink junk. This doesn’t apply to beer however. I still love some cheap beer.

    • sparks

      When I asked for bourbon neat with friends from work as I just got to drinking age, you should have seen the looks I got. Even the waitress wouldn’t believe I wanted that and kept trying to help me change my order. Everyone else had mixed or nonalcoholic drinks and thought I was a budding hardcore alcoholic.

    • Aaron B.

      I disagree. There’s no reason to drink artifically flavored booze, i.e. bacon vodka. But, when natural ingredients are used as part of the brewing/distilling etc. I think it adds a delightful extra layer of complexity to the Booze Production Possibilities Frontier. See, e.g., beer: you’ve got your peach ales, chocolate stouts, watermelon hefs, etc.

      • befuggled

        Hell yeah. To be fair, though, some of both the best and worst beers I’ve ever had have had fruit in them. A good kriek is one of the finer things in life, but the Cherryland (?) cherry lager was one of the worst beers I ever had.

        (And it turned out I knew the guy that owned the brewery, albeit not very well.)

        • Founders does a hell of a nice kriek, which it is currently bottling.

  • Ken

    Have you looked at Kool-Aid lately? You can get a blue powder that turns orange when dissolved in water, and tastes of artificial cherry. It’s a fascinating example of food chemistry, if not of food.

    So someday we might have a pink vodka that turns day-glo blue when chilled below freezing, and tastes of watermelon gum. Then I’ll say we’ve hit bottom.

    • sparks

      No, when it turns the color of Prestone and tastes of Green Apple Jolly Ranchers, then we’ve officially hit bottom and plunged through.

    • CaptBackslap

      If you could pull that off, you’d make a damned fortune.

      I mean “damned” literally, as the money would be basically straight from the devil.

    • Mark Dobrowolski

      this reminds me of a line in the “Alien” movie series, “kill me now”.

  • Aaron B.

    Well, we’ve reached the Pinnacle. Obviously it’s all downhill from here.

  • Calming Influence

    Oh sure, all high and mighty now, Great Protector of Civilization, but I’m betting on November 22nd when you start drunk-tweeting about the AWESOME! punkin-pie-tinis your suckin’ down at Grammy’s house and how they’re just THE perfecto accompaniment to turkey and mashies, we’ll come back here and find this post mysteriously absent from the archives!

    • Oh look, I’ll be drunk. I mean, I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with in-laws. But it won’t be on this shite.

  • Wendell

    Bluntly speaking, this is for underage girls who want to get drunk fast but are intimidated by the taste of real alcohol. That’s not me being insulting, that is literally the demographic that Pinnacle is aimed at. It comes in a whole range of candy and pie flavors, and all of them taste disgustingly over sweetened, with a lingering aftertaste of chemical additives. I ended up with two full bottles of this stuff in my house after a party. After due consideration, I poured them down the sink because A) There was no way I was drinking the stuff and B) I could not, in good conscience, allow another human being, however misguided, to drink that swill either. I don’t think it did my pipes any good, but the price had to be paid.

    • Wendell

      Addendum

      Even in college I knew liquor from a plastic bottle was asking for trouble. Are the youth of today really so foolish?

      • sparks

        Weren’t you at that age? I saw people when I was that age do disgusting, hilarious things while drunk. How they got drunk was of little moment to them.

    • Leeeee

      Of course it’s just for underage (and probably also 20s) girls who can’t stand the taste of real alcohol. That’s why I approve

    • Anonymous

      So what demographic are all the manly bacon flavors aimed at?

      Thanks for the wisdom, dude.

  • herr doktor bimler

    I have a craving now for cocktails made with wood-infused rum, just so I can explain to the medics afterwards that it was “A hickory Daiquari, Doc”.

  • LeeEsq

    Why hasn’t anybody tried marketing sherry to kids? Sherries can get pretty sweet, some of them are basically raisin wine, and should be acceptable to the people who drink pumpkin pie vodka.

  • We made habanero-infused vodka a while back. Great stuff if you could drink it and keep it down.

    • sparks

      Infuse it with peyote next time. Two great mind altering substances in one, neither palatable.

      Okay, I admit it. I just wanted this thread to have an even hundred posts.

    • RedSquareBear

      One year the wife and I brought infused jalapeno vodka (just shit-cheap Svedka or something).

      Unfortunately, we miscalculated the length we should infuse for (I thought Thanksgiving was a week earlier than it was).

      The result was, um, pungent.

      Not “bad” per se, but certainly “undrinkable”.

  • Tehanu

    I guess I’m the only one to point out that this isn’t evidence of the beginning of the fall of civilization — this is evidence that it’s already happened and we’re just sitting in the ruins. Drinking anesthetics.

  • Halloween Jack

    I have in fact put salmon-flavored vodka in my mouth, voluntarily, and even paid for the experience. (It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t much of a much; just sort of vaguely smoky-flavored. Actually, I had it in a Bloody Mary.)

  • jon

    Will Gordon, who writes Drinking the Bottom Shelf, is a literary genius. He’s fated to blow up into globe bestriding greatness at any moment. His posts should be mandatory reading for all.

  • cpinva

    that vodka is actually allowed to be openly sold in this country means a line was crossed years ago. “flavoring” it simply means you now have funny tasting grain alcohol, but it’s still grain alcohol.

    now you know why all russian literature is so depressing. between the weather and vodka, what’s there to be happy about?

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