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I hate children. They have too many notes.*

[ 39 ] September 16, 2012 |

SEK’s apartment complex just installed a basketball court right next to his apartment. SEK thinks this is awesome because he finds shooting basketballs to be a zen-like activity. So at 8 a.m. SEK takes his basketball and shoots around for an hour.

SEK: (shoots)

SEK: (gathers rebound)

SEK: (shoots)

SEK: (gathers rebound)

SEK: (shoots)

SEK: (gathers rebound)

SEK: (shoots)

SEK: (gathers rebound)

SEK: (shoots)

SEK: (gathers rebound)

SEK: (shoots)

SEK: (gathers rebound)

FOURTH GRADER #1 enters the court.

SEK: (shoots)

SEK: (gathers rebound)

FOURTH GRADER #1: Pass me the ball, would you?

SEK: (passes the ball)

FOURTH GRADER #1: (airballs)

SEK: (gathers rebound and shoots)

FOURTH GRADER #1: Hey! It was still my shot!

SEK: (passes the ball) Sorry about that.

FOURTH GRADER #1: (airballs)

FIFTH GRADER #1 appears on the court.

FIFTH GRADER #1: (gathers rebound and shoots) SKRRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!

SEK: Where did you come—

FOURTH GRADER #2 joins him.

FOURTH GRADER #2: (gathers rebound and looks around) PRRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!

SEK: Where did you—

As does THIRD GRADER #1.

FOURTH GRADER #2: (passes to THIRD GRADER #1) FRRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!

THIRD GRADER #1: (fumbles pass) KRRRRRAAAAAAAAA!

SEK: (gathers ball and shoots)

Some INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL must have been opened because…

FIFTH GRADER #2: Quit hogging the ball!

THIRD GRADER #2: (gathers rebound and airballs) BRRRRRAAAAAAAAAA!

FIFTH GRADER #3: (gathers rebound and airballs) NNNNNAAAAAAAAAA!

FOURTH GRADER #3: (gathers rebound and airballs) MMMMMEEEEEEEEEE!

SEVENTH GRADER #1: (gathers rebound) SLLLLLAAAAAMMMMM! (not even close)

SIXTH GRADER #1: (gathers rebound and runs away with ball) TRRRRROOOOOOOOOO!

SEK: Come back here!

SIXTH GRADER #1: (throws ball into fence) TRRRRROOOOOOOOOO! (runs away)

SEK: (gathers ball and makes to leave the court)

ALL THE CHILDREN: HEY! COME BACK WITH OUR BALL!

SEK: It’s my ball!

ALL THE CHILDREN: HE’S STEALING OUR BALL!

SEK: IT’S MY BALL! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHERE YOU CAME FROM!

ALL THE CHILDREN: THAT’S OUR BALL! IT HAS OUR NAME ON IT!

SEK: YOUR NAME IS “SPALDING NBA”?

ALL THE CHILDREN: IS YOURS?

SEK declines to answer their question and walks away. He realizes that if he stayed out any longer he’d look like a creepy old man who shouldn’t be playing basketball with children anyway. But since SEK lives right next to the basketball court, he walks the long way back to his apartment lest ALL THE CHILDREN realize which porch is his and decide to play Eschaton with the many plants on it.

Comments (39)

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  1. Stephen says:

    HE’S STEALING OUR BALL!

    Children, like Republicans, are continually inventing their own reality.

    • SEK says:

      And they believe that if they yell nonsense long and loud enough, we’ll capitulate. So, yes.

      • seeker6079 says:

        Given that the kids have been very well trained in the reality that anybody will instantly believe that any unaccompanied male is a kidnapper, pederast and potential murderer, why wouldn’t they leverage that? Seems essentially rational — if morally unacceptable — to me.

  2. Erik Loomis says:

    You are a magnet for weird shit happening.

  3. Mike Dixon says:

    I am a customer.

  4. catclub says:

    Paint your ball pink.

  5. c u n d gulag says:

    I’d confuse the sh*t out of the kids, and shoot a football through the hoop.

  6. Waingro says:

    You’ve just described my basketball routine. Unlike most people, I like shooting hoops for solitary relaxation, rather than socializing and competing. I don’t really like playing games all that much, I’d rather just get up a hundred or so shots. People are puzzled and/or offended when I constantly refuse their offers to play pick-up games.

    Just leave me alone and let me work on my two-dribble pull-up in peace, thank you.

    • SEK says:

      One of life’s irony: the only people I’d like to play basketball with are the ones who don’t like to play basketball. But it’s true.

    • block says:

      Which is perfectly fine on a deserted playground or in a park with a dozen hoops and completely dickish if you are the guy keeping ten of us from a run on the only full court for miles.

    • Yup. When most of my friends went to New Hampshire or the Cape, I spent the VAST majority of my summer days shooting baskets alone in my driveway. In my late-20′s, early-30′s I realized that actual pickup games don’t interest me anymore (too much shit-talking and injury potential.) What I’d give for a simple hoop and ball, all to myself (corner threes from college line were my specialty), but in Southern California even the most obscure public courts seem to be swarmed with players 24/7.

  7. Calming Influence says:

    Wow, SEK, you’re a real butthead. They said it was their ball, and children don’t lie.

    They are our FUTURE! FREEEEEEDOOOMMM!

  8. rea says:

    I see you still cling to bourgeois notions of property rights.

  9. bloix says:

    You’re shooting hoops at 8 am on a Sunday next to an apartment building? I’m surprised nobody threw a shoe at you through an open window.

    • SEK says:

      Next to my apartment. The fundamental laws of the universe prevent me from both being on the court and throwing a shoe at myself.

    • GFW says:

      I second this comment even if SEK’s is the very closest apartment. There’s a 2nd closest, etc., and some poor sod who just wanted to sleep to 10:00 was in one of them. Of course they probably should have started looking for a new place as soon as they saw the hoop being erected. I’m so glad I live on a dead-end lane with 3 neighbors, none with kids.

      • seeker6079 says:

        This. I worked nights for a few years and it really is amazing how many people don’t feel you’re entitled to any peace or privacy if the sun is up. Sign on the door saying “no solicitors”? They’ll ring anyways.

        • firefall says:

          Well so long as they’re not lawyers ..

        • sparks says:

          The “no solicitors” sign is an invitation to peddlers, petitioneers, bill collectors, and nosy neighbors. Didn’t you know that?

          • STH says:

            The other day, a young guy canvassing the neighborhood ignored our “no solicitation” sign and rang the bell. He started to give some spiel about scholarships or something, I said, “sorry, we’re not interested,” and started to shut the door. HE PUT HIS FOOT IN THE DOORWAY SO I COULDN’T SHUT THE DOOR. I pushed his foot out of the way and shut it anyway.

            Guess what he was actually soliciting for? Yep, Jesus, if the pamphlet he left is to be believed. I wrote a complaint e-mail to the organization and have yet to receive a reply. I wonder if they’re told to do that “foot in the door” thing or if that was the kid’s innovation. I’m guessing the former, since I didn’t get an apology e-mail.

            • Anonymous says:

              This is where living in America has its advantages. You smile at the kid and say, “if breaking in is that important to you then perhaps I’d better get my gun”.

  10. Grant says:

    With that comeback, it might be reasonably said they earned your ball.

  11. joejoejoe says:

    Spaulding NBA “Scott” Eric Kaufman

  12. Vance Maverick says:

    “Too many notes” — does anyone know whether the Replacements intended to echo the apocryphal criticism of Mozart?

    • SEK says:

      Westerberg now, maybe; Westerberg then, not a chance. He was just airing what he thought was a legitimate complaint.

      • S-Curve says:

        “Tape’s rolling.” “So *what*?”

        I don’t know that a more perfect note of disdain has ever been recorded than 13-year-old Stinson’s “so what.” The rock and the roll!

  13. JazzBumpa says:

    I think you missed the perfect opportunity to educate these unwashed masses in the virtues of Calvinball.

    Pity.

    JzB

  14. Ted says:

    That’s a lot of rebound-gathering. Do you ever actually sink a shot, or is that not the object of the exercise?

    • SEK says:

      At this point, sadly, that’s more accurate than not. I should’ve written “gathers ball” a few more times, as I’m still a decent spot-shooter.

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