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A parable

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It’s fourth down and seven with two outs in the bottom of the ninth of the Super Bowl of Sport. COACH ROMNEY calls a timeout.

COACH ROMNEY: Brees, I’m going to have to take you out.

DREW BREES: Why Coach? I’m just about throw a strike-out on the winning drive!

COACH ROMNEY: I know you throw your throws at the appropriate height, but this is just too important. We need to be winning this sport.

DREW BREES: But I am winning it!

COACH ROMNEY: I mean we need to be winning it. (Sends BREES to the bench and signals to the bullpen. Enter TIM TEBOW.) I trust you know what to do with this.

TIM TEBOW: Run it to left outfield for a touchdown!

COACH ROMNEY: Exactly. Let’s go win this sport!

TIM TEBOW: Jesus Christ!

JESUS CHRIST: I want no part in this.

COACH ROMNEY: Of course you do. You’re our new power forward!

JESUS CHRIST: Jesus Christ.

TIM TEBOW: Jesus Christ!

How will the World Series of Sport end? I don’t know either. But I guarantee it’ll be entertaining.

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  • SEK

    Just in case anyone wondered what it feels like to be on the left this morning.

  • befuggled

    You needed to work a reference to the shot clock in there.

    • SEK

      On Facebook, it’s been decided I’m losing because Tebow should’ve done a grand-slam slam-dunk right in the goalie’s face. So I admit, there’s room for improvement.

  • wengler

    The best part of this pick is a large part of the Republican base is going to constantly talk about how much more they love Ryan than Romney.

    Nothing quite undercuts your candidate than making the VP pick your imaginary boyfriend(or girlfriend).

  • Jamie

    Somewhere in a human-made cave in Virginia, Ayn Rand’s government financed head is trying to laugh, but the ventilators don’t supply enough air.

    • wengler

      ‘Please insert 8 more quarters to continue breathing.’

  • Manju

    Ryan is a relatively blank slate for a plurality of Americans. Unlike Palin, he’s not going to exude crazy and/or incompetent the moment he opens his mouth. I mean, I’m talking perception. He may very well do that with you; he may very well do that to me…but we don’t count. We’re voted O.

    He’s not a gimmie. So don’t get overconfident. He needs to be defined. Now, the Obama camp has been doing an absolutely bang-up job at defining Romney. Bush’s beatdown of kerry comes to mind.

    Now, don’t you all freakout and blow your tops at the thought of a false-equivalence (swiftboating to whatever Obama is doing). Obama may very well be defining Romney correctly while Bush did it falsely. That’s not relevant to the point. The point is to simply define the opponent in a negative manner before he defines himself.

    As far as I can tell, Ryan’s just asking for a third rail to be shoved up his…That’s where we need to go. Tried and true winner: “Ryan’s going to take away your social security.”

    I suspect the Romney camp is going to try to get out in front of this meme as fast as possible. I would suggest not wasting time on Ayn Rand or Jesus Freak. Don’t preach to the choir. Just keep your eyes on the third rail and scare the bejesus out of all the seniors.

    And even if the economy continues to slow, you might be able to pull this one out.

    • John

      Wait, Manju supports Obama?

      • Spuddie

        Its a moment of clarity. It happens to junkies and addicts all the time. That “naked lunch” moment you acknowledge what is truly at the end of your fork.
        (See William S Burroughs and Samuel L. Jackson’s character in Pulp Fiction)

      • Manju

        Wait, Manju supports Obama?

        Well, since tax cuts are are about as likely to pay for themselves as segregationist politicians are to switch parties…yes.

        • Strom Thurmond was switched parties two times more often than tax cuts have managed to pay for themselves.

          • Manju

            Hey, thats clever. You included the Dixiecrat episode as a switch. Didn’t think of that.

            And you didn’t do the usual denailism…ie, some version of “all those Segregationist politicians became republicans” / “Southern Strategy” / “Strom, er, er…Helms!”

            I have responses to your retort, but frankly its more important to note progress. Good work.

            • Since the Dixicrat party only existed because the 1948 Democratic party platform included stronger statements of support for civil rights than the 1948 Republican party platform did, and people like Thurmond got all butthurt about that, yes, it counts. But since Thurmond didn’t go straight from the Dixicrats to the GOP, you’re right insofar as it should have been “three more times than tax cuts have managed to pay for themselves.”

              You’re still wrong about everything other than how many times Thurmond switched parties, but hey, you may actually have started learning things.

              • Manju

                Prodigal,

                I remain impressed. You no longer repeat the racist meme: that all or most Segregationist leaders like Strom Thurmond became republican. Or that the Dems kicked them out or that the ones who stayed renounced segregation…etc, etc.

                I welcome this change.

                Having said that, I’m not sure if the Dixiecrat episode was a party switch. I could be wrong, but I don’t think the Dixicrats actually changed their party registration. They remained part of the national democratic party. The States Rights Democratic Party was what their name implied…a faction within the larger Democratic Party.

                The reason for this? Seniority. I don’t think any of these evil fuckers lost their seniority in the House or Senate when they ran back into the welcoming arms of northern dems. This is fairly obvious as they used their powerful committee chairs to derail civil rights legislation.

                Its either that or they left, returned, and northern dems still let them keep their plum positions. if that’s true, then i really got to get into the subject. but sounds too good to be true, frankly.

                Strom was a Governor at the time, so its still possible that he switched. But I doubt it. i recall reading that he had to convince folks he and teh Dixiecrats were the real Democratic Party (party loyalty can’t be underestimated in 1948).

                But I honestly never gave it too much thought. Maybe John or some other liberal who is up on the subject could pop in an shed some light.

                interesting point, though. good exchange, Prodigal…your best so far.

                • So you admit that Thurmond and his fellow Dixiecrats had to lie about the Democratic party the way you keep lying about them, Manju? There may be hope for you yet.

            • Manju

              So you admit that Thurmond and his fellow Dixiecrats had to lie about the Democratic party the way you keep lying about them, Manju?

              I’m not sure what you’re trying to say. Strom went around claiming that the Dixiecrats were real democrats.

              If this is a lie, then you need to provide proof. I haven’t given it too much thought, but now that you broached the subject, it does appear that Strom was telling the truth…for the reasons I’ve given. The seniority issue strikes me as the “tell”.

              Perhaps the famous Malcolm X quote should be taken literally:

              What is a Dixiecrat? A Democrat. A Dixiecrat is nothing but a Democrat in disguise.

              • Malaclypse

                And it is unpossible that politics has changed since Malcolm’s time.

                I am glad to see you have expanded your list of quotations. For short, let’s call this one Manju Head Horse #4.

              • I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.

                You wrote “i recall reading that he had to convince folks he and teh Dixiecrats were the real Democratic Party” – if that was supposed to be anything other than empty blather on your part, then it must have been a tacit admission that Thurmond was, like you, forced to lie about the Democrats in order to try to convince people of things that simply were and are not true.

                • Manju

                  Prodigal,

                  If Strom and the other Dixiecrats were still members of the Democratic party in ’48, then it would indeed be accurate to describe them as real democrats…just as the candidates on the conservative ticket are often simply republicans, depending on the state.

                  As I said, I’m not committed either way, tho I’m leaning in the direction of them being still Democrats, for the reasons I’ve given.

                  If you have evidence demonstrating otherwise, then please provide. if you think I’m lying about the Dems, pull the objectionable quote and I’ll either substantiate it or retract.

                • Manju,

                  Since the Dixiecrat party existed because of southern opposition to the 1948 Democratic party plank which stated “We call upon the Congress to support our President in guaranteeing these basic and fundamental American Principles: (1) the right of full and equal political participation; (2) the right to equal opportunity of employment; (3) the right of security of person; (4) and the right of equal treatment in the service and defense of our nation”, Thurmond was and you are lying about the Democrats.

              • Manju

                Since the Dixiecrat party existed because of southern opposition to the 1948 Democratic party plank…Thurmond was and you are lying about the Democrats.

                Prodigal, you can disagree with a plank, even not support your party’s presidential nominee because of it, and still be a democrat.

                Were the Dixiecrats still democrats or not? If not, how did they retain their committee leadership posts in the Senate and House?

                If you don’t know, just say so. There’s no point telling me I’m lying if you can’t even identify the lie.

                • Prodigal, you can disagree with a plank, even not support your party’s presidential nominee because of it, and still be a democrat.

                  If, however, you join a political party other than the Democratic party the way that Thurmond did when he helped form the Dixiecrat party, then you are no longer a Democrat. Anybody can be the lower-case-d kind, as long as they believe in Democracy, but we were talking about the upper-case-D kind here.

                  As for the lie you’re telling, currently you’re lying when you argue that Thurmond was a member of the Democratic party at the same time that he was a member of (as well as Presidential candidate for) the Dixiecrat party.

                  Where the “why did they retain their posts” question you’re trying to use as a smokescreen is concerned, perhaps you should try to look up the term “caucusing with” before you make yourself look even more foolish than you already have.

    • Anonymous

      Ryan is less crazy and more competent than Palin?

      • losgatosca

        Definitely more competent. For instance he can interview with Katie Couric immediately. The crazification factor differential between the two is TBD. On the evil dimension Ryan is well ahead of Palin who was/is an amateur hater and grifter. Ryan is a pro. He’s had a full House vote on two bills to push granny off the cliff.

        • Anonymous

          Competent means you’re friendly to the media, who want to make a darling of you and gift you with softball interviews? I fail to see your point, then.

      • Manju

        Ryan is less crazy and more competent than Palin?

        Ryan [will be perceived to be] less crazy and more competent than Palin?

      • Manju

        Ryan is less crazy and more competent than Palin?

        On 2nd thought, although he may very well be less crazy than Palin, Nate Silver points out that DW-Nominate pins him as the most extreme VP choice that the system has measured:

        http://fivethirtyeight.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/11/a-risky-rationale-behind-romneys-choice-of-ryan/

        He’s in Michele Bachmann territory.

        • Ian

          The question is whether “crazy” means chaotic or bent. Palin’s worldview is a tossed salad of wingnut talking points; she’s given no indication that she has the mental capacity to comprehend a political philosophy. Ryan is a coherent, disciplined Randite, except with religion added in. He’s also charming enough to get repeatedly re-elected in a D+ district.

          I’m optimistic that his manifest evilness will doom the ticket, but as a politician he’s got some serious chops.

          • Tybalt

            Yup, he can definitely bring it. While far from ideal, this isn’t bad for Romney.

      • Jamie

        Yes. Pick a measure. Do you think Palin could be elected to the House? I don’t. Do you think he’d turn to humiliating reality shows after he fails to be VP? I don’t.

        Palin doesn’t have an agenda. She parrots whatever she thinks is useful to keep people listening. Ryan is a politician. An evil one, in my book, but he can competently run and win office, and not quit part way through it.

        • NonyNony

          Prior to her disastrous VP run, Palin could easily have been elected to the House.

          After turning herself into a national joke she couldn’t, but prior to that? Sure. House races often come down to a local joke with the right jerry-mandered letter next to his/her name vs. someone with the wrong letter next to his/her name.

    • Mike F.

      A point well made. I appreciate it and don’t care where it comes from.
      Anyone over the age of 19 who admires Ayn Rand is developmentally arrested. There’s an adolescent lingering in Ryan that the Obama team really should exploit, aside from the obvious epistemological problems that Rand hangs around the Catholic Ryan’s neck
      As Charlie Sweatpants noted on another thread, his adolescence leaves Ryan with a glass jaw and easily hurt fee fees. Perhaps some forced growing up at the hands of Biden would finally break that pompous dick.
      Biden couldn’t punch Palin in the face because she’s a girl. No such restraint is expected here, and Ryan will be expected to give as good as he get’s to prove he’s a real man.
      If Team Obama let’s Biden go this could be fun.

      • Cody

        I haven’t seen what Biden “can do”, but generally when I see him talking “letting go” seems to indicate the amount of talking… lots.

  • I’m trying to figure out who Drew Brees is in this parable. As near as I can tell, he’s a highly competent QB: is he supposed to be one of the other people who wouldn’t help Romney win the Super Cup Of Sport?

    • elm

      Yeah, that’s the weakest part of the parable. It might work with Marc Sanchez (overrated by media, prone to error, not really all that good, which could describe any number of VP candidates, included Ryan himself), but who in the Republican party could be described as a record-breaking, super-bowl winning, deadly accurate leader? I mean, I figured Romney would choose someone like Pawlenty or Portman, and neither of them strike me as Brees-like.

      Are we over thinking this?

      • arguingwithsignposts

        Zombie Ronald Reagan, duh

        • firefall

          or Obama :)

        • Warren Terra

          Speaking of which, the parable needs a good Win One For The Gipper referene.

      • Probably. Overthinking is more or less what I do for a living.

      • Dirk Gently

        Yes, we are overthinking it. But I think your Sanchez nomination is almost perfect. Tony Romo could work, too: looks like a quarterback, has the talent to be quarterback, but no other team in the NFL would want him as their starter.

    • Manju

      I’m trying to figure out who Drew Brees is in this parable.

      Drew Brees is George Romney, who Mitt chose not to be. In this economy, a Rockefeller Republican would win the Super World Series Bowl running away.

      But now a Rockefeller Democrat will.

  • Manju

    Actually, stop everything. Romney just withdrew from the race:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTzssn6JQVQ&feature=player_embedded#!

  • jon

    Wow, it’s like they just handed out the schedule of all the train crashes for the next three months. And they all come with free popcorn and extra butter.

  • the conspiratist

    So I have a question. What would happen if right after Romney and Ryan accept the nomination they high-fiving and stuff and Romeny slips and goes into a coma?

    Would Ryan take over as the Republican nominee for prez?

    • Manju

      No. Obviously, Alexander Haig would dig himself out and take control.

    • What would happen? I would laugh and laugh.

  • Joe

    Holy mixed metaphors, Batman!

    • SEK

      And yet I’m being criticized for not mixing them enough. But please, continue to call me Batman.

  • I think these people are really not idots,I want to watch the videos may be they are interesting too.

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