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Your Republican Party!


The modern Republican Party: creating myths about what the Founders thought out of thin air yet actually opposing what the Founders invented while screaming tyranny.

The latest example of the second part of this equation comes from the House passing a bill eliminating the census surveys that have been part of the census process ever since 1790 when noted tyrant and suppressor of civil liberties Thomas Jefferson created it to learn more about how the nation’s people lived.

Some choice quotes:

“It would seem that these questions hardly fit the scope of what was intended or required by the Constitution,” said Rep. Daniel Webster (R-Fla.), author of the amendment. “This survey is inappropriate for taxpayer dollars,” Webster added. “It’s the definition of a breach of personal privacy. It’s the picture of what’s wrong in Washington, D.C. It’s unconstitutional.”

Yes, because the government that created the census surveys didn’t know much about the Constitution since it only consisted of several delegates to the Constitutional Convention.

Also, the real Daniel Webster is no doubt rolling over in his grave (or more likely giving a 15 hour speech about it in the afterlife) about what an idiot his namesake is.

And of course, Steve King, man of genius:

“I think it’s important to have the information, but it’s important that people have freedom and liberty and we do not have an intrusive federal government that would impose a fine on people if they didn’t let the information come out about whether they had a flush toilet,” said Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa).

I guess this all makes sense though, because there’s no question the Republicans are opposed to the Enlightenment.

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  • Malaclypse

    noted tyrant and suppressor of civil liberties Thomas Jefferson

    This just proves that Democrats have a long history of perfidy. I mean, the man messed with the Bible, so he was clearly a secrit muslin.

  • JohnR

    There is no history; only Zuul.

  • It makes a lot of sense to destroy data if data destroys your positions.

    • DrDick

      My thought exactly. The last thing that Republicans want is readily available, reliable detailed information on the ways that Americans actually live and the effects of things like income and race on that.

      • Icarus Wright

        “Facts are stupid things.”
        –St Ronald Reagan

        • Davis

          “Facts have a liberal bias”

          -Stephen Colbert

      • Ahhhhnold

        … things like income and race on that.

        I think you’re on to something there, DrDick.

        So…what’s your income, anyway?

        • Tommie TuTone

          $8,675,309, Jennie dear.

          • Anonymous

            How GAY are you, anyway?

            • Malaclypse

              Subtext remaining text, Jennie dear.

        • Hogan

          Buy the Statistical Abstract and find out!

        • DrDick

          It is all in the census, so go look, Jennie sweetie. Of course that would require you to learn how to read.

          • wengler

            It will be available to the public in 70 years.

      • It’s a privatization move: anyone who wants demographic data is going to have to pay Facebook and/or Google for the privilege.

        • Steve LaBonne

          Bingo. Just your typical Republican crony capitalism dressed up with faux libertarian rhetoric (which some of the rubes actually believe, but the people pulling the strings definitely don’t.)

    • As ever, reality has a liberal bias.

      flush toilets are also liberal.

    • rm

      Same reason they tried to get rid of the NOAA, or at least some of its ability to gathdr data. Climate change will cease to be real if we stop measuring it.

  • Gary K

    Concern that people might have to report they don’t have flush toilet: high (or so he says).

    Concern that someone in the US might not have a flush toilet: meh.

  • Davis X. Machina

    Once the Obama administration rolled down the windows on the Statistical Abstract why would you pay to keep on feeding a horse you’ve already sold?

    (From the pet peeve dept.)

  • Davis

    As a census taker in 1970, I asked that question.

  • Billy Bell

    The latest example of the second part of this equation comes from the House passing a bill eliminating the census surveys that have been part of the census process ever since 1790…

    Mmmmm….Yeah….the questions are virtually identical!

    Compare the census form of 1790 to the census form of 2010.

    It’s like looking back into time!

    • Craigo

      The presence of the terms “free white” and “slaves” might give you a hint about why we in 2010 did not ask the same questions as we did in 1790.

      It’s almost as if society has radically changed in the past 220 years.

    • Malaclypse

      I, to, am shocked that the census of 1790 did not ask about flush toilets. I am as unable to draw any analogies as Jennie here is.

      • Ben

        I keep wanting to reply to the troll’s comments “Jen-ny, I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.” Just haven’t found the right time.

        • Bill Murray

          or Jenny, Jenny who can I turn to. You give me something I can hold on to

    • Hogan

      You mean we’re not still breaking out free whites and slaves? When will this PC madness end?

      • Black Betty

        You mean we’re not still breaking out free whites and slaves?

        There *are* no more free Whites.

        • That’s right. We’re damn expensive.

          • DrDick

            Actually, I go pretty cheap, but still I am not free.

        • James E. Powell

          That was awesome!

  • LukcyJimJD

    The paranoid lunatic right really hate the question about flush toilets, because if they answered it honestly, they’d have to admit that they pee in their pants.

    • Holden Pattern

      Oh, come now. The question is just whether or not a flush toilet is present, not whether the respondent is able to use it.

    • David Vitter

      Sure, you call yourselves pro-choice, but when the shit hit the cloth, you all are nowhere to be found. Hypocritical libtards!

  • Ben

    More Daniel Webster jokes, please

    Really any jokes about how historical figures react to current events in the afterlife

    • UberMitch

      Thomas Jefferson would surely react to this by fucking a slave.

    • A request for more Daniel Webster jokes cannot be turned down. More on this soon.

      • Webster, Clay and Calhoun walk into a bar . . .

        • Bill Murray

          Daniel Webster and a proton were in Foggy Bottom and Webster asks the proton, “Do you think we should back Lajos Kossuth against the Austrians?” and the proton answers “I’m positive!”

          • Scott Lemieux

            This is just a small blog, but some of us love it very much!

            • Oh my. Well done indeed.

              • sorry to be a wet blanket, but that’s not a daniel webster joke, that’s a photon joke w/daniel webster thrown in.

                you could use lierally anybody else in the world as the straight man; the joke comes from the properties of the photon and the pun derived therefrom.

                (i am a professional joke writer, forgive me for nitpicking.)

                here’s a daniel webster joke:

                daniel webster and john calhoun were eating at the senate luncheonette. calhoun remarked, “your speech today on the senate floor, daniel, showed great perspecacity. i commend you, sir.”

                “perspecacity?” said webster. “what’s that mean?”

                “look it up in your book,” replied calhoun.

                “that’s the wrong webster, you moron!”

                • Ben

                  That’s a good’un

                  How about puns?

                  What do you call the evil god who constructs an ensnaring mesh where his children are raised using sea creatures?

                  The Devil in-den eel webster

                • Bill Murray

                  sorry to be a wet blanket but perspecacity isn’t a word, I assume you meant perspicacity — a penetrating discernment. It comes from the Latin word perspiciō, and its first known use was in 1640.

                  and the fact that it was a photon joke not a Daniel Webster joke was the primary joke.

                • Pseudonym

                  Allow me to enlighten you: that was a proton joke, not a photon joke. This is a photon joke.

      • sparks

        I want one that easy to visualize Edward Arnold saying it.

  • njorl


  • It turns out they’re related.

  • efgoldman

    I’m composing a fantasy in which Zombie Thomas Jefferson rises out of the ground, goes to the capital, and slaps all the TeaTards silly on the steps.

  • Jim Lynch

    To be sure, King is a pustule on the body politic.

    Still, Sherman did utilize the census when planning his 1864 campaign. Its data came in particularly handy after Atlanta fell, when his thoughts turned to salt water. He deduced that not only would his army not starve while marching through Georgia, but would likely feast (which it proceeded to do).

    But the South has risen, y’all. Its native born legions of Foghorn Leghorns’ today rule the GOP, and demand satisfaction. Death to The Census. And those Iowans who perished in battle to uphold the Union? King could not care less.

    • John (not McCain)

      I wish they were Foghorn Leghorns – he was harmless. These people are Yosemite Sams with REAL guns.

      • c u n d gulag

        Or the Tasmanian Devil – minus the subtlety.
        And half as bright.

    • Pseudonym

      Thanks to the Census, not only could his army feast, it could enjoy the use of modern indoor plumbing rather than field latrines.

  • Bart

    Now they’re worried about personal privacy.

    Don’t they know our gross overreaction to 9-11 made that obsolete?

    • I think it’s the inconvenience of filling out questionnaires that they object to. If the NSA wants to take satellite photos of my plumbing arrangements, no problemo.

      • DrDick

        Or to take photos of you using that toilet or track you using your cellphone, or tap your phones without a warrant, those are all just fine and dandy. DHS is just protecting us from those scary brown Mooslummy peoples.

    • ironic irony

      Only if privacy doesn’t involve gays and abortions, dontchaknow?

      • DrDick

        Or brown people or liberals.

  • When will libruls cease their anti-American War on Chamber Pots?!

  • Off-topic, but Glenn Reynolds is accusing Obama of violating Arpaio’s first amendment right to be a racist law enforcement officer:


    • Oh wait, that’s not Glenn Reynolds but one of his replacements or something.


  • James E. Powell

    Don’t the Republicans want a question about the composition of the counter-tops?

  • a noter of such things

    Interesting – perhaps this new opposition is related to the Obama administration’s decision to have the census director report to White House officials?


    Also, it sounds surprisingly like Sen. Webster is admitting that there is a right to privacy!

    • Captain Splendid

      Also, it sounds surprisingly like Sen. Webster is admitting that there is a right to privacy!

      That’s what I was thinking. This is a win-win situation as far as I’m concerned. GOP goobers look silly having a tantrum about the frigging census of all things and we might get some privacy laws somewhere (not holding my breath).

      • The GOP goobers have kind of made a career of looking silly, and it does not seem to be hurting their careers.

        • Malaclypse

          This is a party that has, as a central tenet, devotion to the One True Light Bulb.

    • Holden Pattern

      Surely, Senator Webster, if you have nothing to hide, you can have no objections.

    • DrDick

      Now I wonder if he is willing to extend that right to medical decisions and women’s vaginas.

  • Pingback: An Open Letter to Glenn Reynolds « The Odd Blog()

  • c u n d gulag

    ‘Webster added. “It’s the definition of a breach of personal privacy. It’s the picture of what’s wrong in Washington, D.C. It’s unconstitutional.”’

    Jeez, and here I thought shoving a video camera into a pregnant woman’s vagina was the very ‘definition of a breach of personal privacy.’

    Whodathunk it was the census?

    Somewhere, the Founding Fathers don’t need to flush for a while – they just pissed and shat their pants in laughter.

    Never mind black people and women – where in the Constitution is it written that feckin’ idjit’s get to vote?

    Also too – Where is it written that they can run for office?

    Also three – There are ‘age minimums’ for office – why not “IQ minimums?’

    Not to set the bar too high – why don’t we require their IQ to be at least the minimum age:
    -IQ of 25 for the House.
    -IQ of 30 for the Senate.
    And born, not hatched.

    And yeah, I know that will decimate the Republicans currently holding office in both houses of Congress – but we gotta start somewhere!

    • Jeez, and here I thought shoving a video camera into a pregnant woman’s vagina was the very ‘definition of a breach of personal privacy.’

      People pay good money for those videos.

      • c u n d gulag

        Yeah, but not the Conservatives.

        They’re waiting to pass a law allowing them to shove video camera’s into men’s rectum’s to check to see if they’re gay and have any sperm up there.

        Not THOSE, they’ll pay good money for!

        Fapping good money!

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