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Would Santorum Approve?

[ 31 ] February 29, 2012 |

I’m not so sure Santorum would approve of this sex kit for church-going Polish Catholics:

The dice recommends where partners should caress or kiss each other, if they have run out of ideas in their long marriages. (Hands, as scandalous as that is, is one of the recommendations.)

Customers can buy the dice separately, or in a “romantic evening package” that comes with raunchy underwear, massage oil and a book called “Theology of the body – blessed by John Paul II.”

Bringing the pope into the bedroom is extra sexy.

I am also fascinated by Father Ksawery Knotz and his preachings on oral sex and Catholic doctrine:

Caressing the external genitals with your lips or tongue as an element of foreplay is morally acceptable and we must not perceive it as a sin…The Church preaching would contradict itself claiming that some parts of a beloved person’s body, such as mouth, breasts, thighs, buttocks, can be caressed and kissed, while others, such as genitals, cannot be kissed, caressed or touched.

There you have it. Having spent the first half of 2011 being schooled in Catholic sexual theology, I find this kind of thing so incredibly weird.

I would pay to have a reporter ask Santorum if he approved of Catholic teachings on oral sex.

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Comments (31)

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  1. c u n d gulag says:

    Genital caressing and kissing?

    “Stigmata” Santorum would say that Father Ksawery Knotz was either mis-interperting the Bible, and what John Paul II said, or he’s playing with words – since he must obviously be a cunning linguist.

  2. Marek says:

    From this it’s just a slipperly slope to “Santorum on Santorum.”

    • JMP says:

      Yep – that’s at least what I was taught in Catholic school sex ed. Oral sex is OK as foreplay, and full oral on a woman was allowed as it didn’t impact procreation; but a man has to finish inside the vagina, for the possibility of baby making.

  3. Malaclypse says:

    I would pay to have a reporter ask Santorum if he approved of Catholic teachings on oral sex.

    I’m pay to see someone ask Mitt.

  4. actor212 says:

    Actually, it’s been a fairly long standing tradition, at least in the American Catholic church, for couples to be counseled in some pretty kinky sex.

    I recall going to pre-Cana and sitting with a lay minister (the priests were busy, I guess, and no pun intended) and discussing all the wonderful beautiful things the Church was OK with.

    As a Protestant, and a horndog, it set my mind at ease.

  5. tucker says:

    Sounds like man on dog sex to me. The horror!

  6. Barry Freed says:

    I put on my robe and pope hat.

  7. proverbialleadballoon says:

    well, it’s not really weird when you consider that most catholics totally ignore the vatican in the first place. add to that people who were raised catholic or went to catholic school, no longer go to church, but still check the little box next to catholic rather than none or other, and it makes more sense. as someone who was raised catholic but no longer goes to church, i would be willing to bet that the majority of people who check the little catholic box don’t go to church and don’t pay heed to the vatican. your average catholic that you meet in the wild has little in common with the church hierarchy.

    • Njorl says:

      As a 7th child of Catholic parents, I inherited their lack of rhythm, but not their adherance to their faith. While atheist, I consider myself ethnically Catholic.

  8. Alan Tomlinson says:

    I want Huckabee to ask all of the candidates that question.

    Cheers,

    Alan Tomlinson

  9. efgoldman says:

    Get the firebrands and the stake ready for the purification!!

  10. STH says:

    Wait, isn’t oral sex usually considered a type of sodomy, unnatural since it isn’t procreative? Maybe the loophole is it’s okay if nobody comes. Which means it’s okay to do it as long as you aren’t very good at it.

  11. cpinva says:

    and the reporter would happily take your cash!

    I would pay to have a reporter ask Santorum if he approved of Catholic teachings on oral sex.

    out of curiousity, how many 70 year-olds do you know that are procreatively engaging in sex?

    Wait, isn’t oral sex usually considered a type of sodomy, unnatural since it isn’t procreative?

    ok, yeah, that’s kind of a gross mental image. let’s try this:

    according to you (and i guess the church), once you’ve finished having all the kids you want (or are able to safely bear), you’re no longer allowed to have sex?

  12. Jimmy says:

    For a long time I was under the miss-apprehension that girls who were members of a church with strict teachings about sex didn’t have much sex, and if they did, they wouldn’t be any good about it.

    WRONG!!!

    Baptist girls meet other young Baptists at the YBO picnics, –> SEX!

    Catholic girls… SEX!! then confession, purity returned, til next weekend!

    One of the hottest women I ever knew was raised Catholic… not any more, of course, but raised up.

    It just goes to show, you can’t tell the book from the cover. Is that a good enough cliche to close out with? I gotta go meet a nice Jewish girl for dinner and a movie…

    • DrDick says:

      The most strongly evangelical/fundamentalist and most socially conservative regions have the highest teenage pregnancy and out of wedlock birth rates in the country. Just saying.

    • herr doktor bimler says:

      you can’t tell the book from the cover.
      If the digit-ratio theory is correct, you can tell a lot by looking at the index.

    • Jonno says:

      Back in the day when I was a (somewhat) good little Catholic boy, myself and my VERY devout, but horny, gf sat inside our parish priest’s office to have a nice little discussion about what is acceptable super-happy-time for unwed couples. Of course she was concerned about being unpure and not saving something and going to hell and all that. But on the other hand – SEX. Having a Y chromosone I was like whatever, this’ll be a laff.

      After a short discussion about the importance of church doctrine on sex before marriage (ie – none), being a realistic man he kind of waived his hands at our questions and said:

      “If it’s above the waist its ok”.

      So with that, I got a church-sanctioned license to get jiggy. We set about braking that rule the following evening if I recall.

      So yeah, catholic doctrine is a malleable thing – at least on the coal face. Abolitionist rules on sex against hormones? Tis like holding back the tide baby.

      But I’m sure little Ricky never put his member where the Pope said he shouldn’t. So NO ABORTIONS FOR YOU! Or something.

  13. Halloween Jack says:

    Some time ago, I was married to a Catholic, and the part of pre-Cana that dealt with sexuality didn’t go into dos and don’ts, but was basically a blanket statement that anything that pleased both partners was OK; that presumably included handcuffs, golden showers, and pony play.

    Also, as a kid in the seventies, I remember hearing (well, really spying in on) a lecture from a lay (phwoar!) minister on the rhythm method, aka Vatican roulette; as ineffective as it may be, it’s clearly conveying the message that it’s OK to do the horizontal bop without the ostensible goal of making more mackerel-snappers.

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