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Hast thou seen my anointed, TEBOW?

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tebow

A reading from the Book of Comebacks, Verses 3-13

Hast thou seen my anointed, TEBOW
For verily, there is none like him.
Let the heathen rage, for my BLESSING is upon him,
And I shall smite down those who mock him
Hurling them from their high places into
A slough of despond,
Until the LAMENTATIONS of their women
Fill the air, and they shall know him in his GREATNESS.

Let not the Chief nor the Raider lay strong hands upon him
For my WRATH shall blaze up against them;
And let the Charger give way before him
So that the scribes compose paens to his glory
And the minstrels sing A NEW SONG to his reign.

Seriously, this is starting to get weird.

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  • First, this is awesome.

    Second, when will people realize the real saviors are Von Miller and John Fox, who is a hell of a defensive coach?

    • Bill Murray

      Really, as bad as the offense in Denver is, anything but a great defense would have led to at least 4 losses for the Broncos

      • And it’s not like Denver’s defense was good last year. Great turnaround.

        • Paulk

          That’s probably the most annoying thing. Awful offense squeaks by other team in low scoring affair, thanks entirely to a defense that is playing lights out.

          When they meet an offense than can play, it’s a whole other story, and we see why this experiment won’t last. Tebow isn’t stupid and clearly has many useful skills on a football field. He just clearly isn’t a QB. People seem to want to pretend that “all that matters is wins and losses, regardless of how they are achieved.

          Now, if someone wants to argue that Tebow is making the defense better, I’ll listen. I suspect they know they aren’t going to score more than 20 points in a game.

          (At least no one looked at Dilfer and tried to pretend he was a good QB. It’s nothing against Tebow. It’s his fans who are detached from reality.)

          • Awful offense?

            Willis McGahee rushed for 117 yards on 23 carries. That’s better than 5 yards a carry. Overall Denver running backs: 27 carries for 136 yards, 5.04 yards/carry.

            Denver’s passing game is awful.

            • This performance explains why the Broncos were even in time of possession with the San Diego Chargers.

    • ploeg

      Tim Tebow follows the great and first commandment: Thou Shalt Not Commit Turnovers. This in itself can be enough. Whatever you can say about Trent Dilfer cannot undo the fact that he owns a SB ring.

      • Bill Murray

        and owes it to the defense

        • ploeg

          Well, yes. The point is: don’t screw up what the defense is doing for you.

        • timb

          you could almost say that Baltimore defense was complicit to murder…..on and off the field

      • Ronnie Pudding

        And he’s only a second year QB, so he learned quicker than most.

  • MAJeff

    Unless he’s t-bowing with a Jeff Stryker life-size dildo up his ass, that drama queen ain’t got shit to say.

  • Scott Lemieux

    I’m not sure beating Norv Turner requires a powerful God, although his ongoing employment as an NFL head coach surely indicates that She has a sense of humor.

    • firefall

      I thought Norv was working for the Other Guy

  • I’ve started rooting for this guy. His success seems to drive a lot of people crazy. I find that very entertaining.

    • Scott P.

      Just wait until your team trades two first-round draft picks for him.

    • McAllen

      I’ve been rooting for a Dallas-Denver Superbowl to make every NFL fan outside of Texas and Colorado tear their hair out.

      • That sounds horrible. That’s the one scenario that would force me to root for Tebow.

        • The Shaggy DA

          Ugh. That might make me root for Tony Romo.

          • LKS

            Or just record it on my DVR and skip over the football to watch the commercials.

  • Von Miller is a monster.

    • de stijl

      Mommy always said there are no monsters – no real ones – but there are.

  • Nathan of Perth

    Religions like this are helping me understand the allure of Holy Wars.

    Stupid Tebow.

  • Fighting Words

    Go Raiders.

    One more thing, because I am completely lacking in all class and decorum, I thought that the touchdown dance mocking Plaxico Burress by the Buffalo Bills’ receiver was rather clever. I guess that’s the other big story of the day that got Bob Costas on his high horse.

    • Costas’ level of douchebaggery is becoming intolerably high.

      • ploeg

        It took him over two minutes to say what could be said in 20 seconds: if you’re going to draw a 15-yard penalty for excessive celebration, you’d better not mess up any catches after the other team puts up the go-ahead score.

        • LKS

          Does it need to be said at all?

          • ploeg

            Well, you have to fill the time between halves in some way, and if the choice were between Bob Costas, Nickelback, and six minutes of “Eat Mor Chikin” commercials, I’d choose… ur… um….

            Sorry, what was the question again?

            • “Nickelback” is the answer I give when a wingnut asks me why I hate white people.

          • Anderson

            Evidently it does.

      • LKS

        The best place for Costas, seriously, is doing baseball play-by-play. He’s really good at it. Or at least he used to be. He’s also a great interviewer. As a studio host, however, he has always sucked.

        Unfortunately, NBC is apparently in a co-dependent relationship with him and lets him do whatever he wants. When he hosts the NHL Winter Classic, I just want to puke. There are several dozen great hockey announcers and studio hosts who have paid their dues and know a hundred times as much about hockey, but Costas gets whatever games he wants, and so he does the Winter Classic because he can. To me, that’s what makes him a real douchebag.

        • Thlayli

          The best place for Costas, seriously, is doing baseball play-by-play. He’s really good at it. Or at least he used to be.

          I heard him call a game on MLB Network in April. Sometime in the middle innings, out of nowhere he suddenly broke off a rant about PEDs, all “Roger Maris and Hank Aaron are still the home run kings”.

          So last night wasn’t exactly out of character for him.

          • timb

            I remember him calling the game of the week in the 70’s and 80’s and I found him and Kubek to be so entertaining that I was angry when Vin Scully was the announcer (teenage Tim was not a genius). He was great at that, but, now, he’s an angry old man screaming at the PED clouds.

            And the circle of life continues…

            • Bill Murray

              I don’t think Costas did MLB in the 70s, as NBC didn’t hire him until 1980. He did do ABA broadcasts for the Spirits of St. Louis in the 70s. Terry Pluto’s book “Loose Balls” covers this in some detail.

    • Anderson

      Really? That’s “clever” in your book? Costas had a point, I see.

    • Ronnie P

      And in partial defense of Stevie Johnson, it wasn’t his 10-yard kickoff.

      The shame of it all is, Johnson was beating Revis pretty well all game.

    • mark f

      I enjoyed NBC’s promo for the second half, which immediately followed Costas’s rant and consisted entirely of douchey celebration dances and football spikings.

  • I shall smite down those who mock him

    It’s all He does!

    He just.

    Smites.

    Mockers.

  • i’m not that big a football fan anymore, but considering the point of the endeavor is to win the super bowl, and considering that no one who is as poor a passer as tebow has ever won the super bowl (not even joe kapp, who frankly is probably the closest to tebow who ever ever even got to the super bowl), his recent success isn’t exactly pointing to ultimate success.

    what i do think (and i thought this about vince young when he was drafted as well) is that an imaginative offensive coach could figure out a way to use him as an option halfback with a true accurate drop-back passer as quarterback.

    • The Shaggy DA

      Apparently you did not see Ben Rapeslisberger in Super Bowl XL.

      • there’s a difference between having a bad game and not being an accurate quarterback: roethlisberger has proven he is an accurate quarterback and tebow has not.

  • blowing a loud, shrill whistle while throwing a flag, throwing arms up, bringing hands down to a praying position, pointing to Tebow RELIGIOUS GRANDSTANDING ON THE FIELD. DENVER. TWENTY YARDS.

  • LosGatosCA

    Excellent post.

    Great defense, no turnovers, Norv Turner coaching your opponent. That’s a winning combination. Then play Minnesota. After that, pray for injuries to your opponents.

  • LKS

    I’m just getting fed up with mediocre football, incompetent coaching, bad officiating, blackouts, announcers telling me the obvious, endless commercial breaks, star players getting away with felonies, god-botherers, taunting and other jackassery, and fellatio masquerading as sports journalism.

    Tebow isn’t the problem. He’s just one of the symptoms of the disease.

    • NBarnes

      It’s the commercials that get to me. I’d pay in blood for baseball without commercials.

      And has anybody figured out why coaching in football is so terrible?

      • I don’t mind using commercial time for making popcorn and taking bathroom breaks, or checking on dinner. I’d pay with double that amount of blood if someone would muzzle the incessantly chatty sportscasters.

        • Tom M

          Before he passed away, I would listen to Myron Cope on radio while watching the Steelers broadcast. Since he died, I learned how watch football without explanatory audio.

          No announcer of any sport exceeds the idiocy of the Musburger albeit Nantz is close.

        • LKS

          Even guys with prostates the size of melons don’t need to pee that often.

          I also neglecting to mention the endless in-game promos of the networks’ other shows.

          • I’m a woman with a bladder and a neurological condition that makes me have to pee so often sometimes that if I had all that time back before I died I could probably write a book with it(and this book would be thick enough to stun an ox).

    • rea

      fellatio masquerading as sports journalism.

      Fellatio masquerading as sports coaching has been more of a problem, lately.

    • timb

      +1

  • LosGatosCA

    I think Costas hit peak douchebaggery when he covered the NBA. It’s between him doing basketball and Howard Cosell doing baseball for the truly most nonsensical broadcast assignments ever.

    I think the extent of Costas understanding of basketball was exhausted after, ‘even short stupid white guys can hit free throws’.

  • rea

    A little Googling will confirm that Tebow has the habit of getting up from that prayer stance, and kissing the nearest wide receiver on the lips. Oh, well–god put up with that from David and Jonathan, too.

  • c u n d gulag

    While I hope someone puts a stop to Tebow, and Tebow-mania, I’m begging that they please don’t martyr him, or else in our Dominionist future, we’ll be forced to wear little goalposts on chains around our necks.

    • And we’ll have to sing this every Sunday morning and Wednesday night.

      • c u n d gulag

        LOL!

        But you mean EVERY day and night, right?

        ‘The Devil and idle hands,’ don’t you know…

        • Shhh. No. Just at church. The rest of the time you can paint the town red, because all you have to do is walk down the aisle at church while everybody’s looking and cry about what a sinner you are, describe your sins in scathing detail, then ask the Lord Jesus Christ to forgive you. Next week— just do it again and the whole congregation will admire your resolve. Nietsche did once say something about the hypocrite being the person who keeps trying, in spite of his weakness and insufficient resolve, but I don’t think he meant it was o.k. to be a total jack-ass and attention whore about it.

  • Kordell Stewart, and then they figured him out.

    • Mike Schilling

      And both Steve Young and Michael Vick had to become real passers to succeed.

  • John F

    Great defense, no turnovers.

    I also watched last weeks game, the Jets lost that game- They should have been up by enough so that Tebow’s final drive TD wouldn’t have mattered, but they didn’t score, and had some really bad turnovers.

    The Tebow getting credit for winning thing is getting funny…

  • Dirk Gently

    Excellent defense, solid running game, no turnovers. Also, don’t look now, but although his passing is still not good, it’s MUCH better than it was just a few games ago. He has EVERYTHING you want in a QB except the ability to pass the football with accuracy and consistency–but he seems to be improving rather quickly. Wait to see what how he plays next season before you write him off.

    • John

      Given that the ability to pass the football with accuracy and consistency is by a considerable margin the most important skill for a quarterback to have, do you think that using all-caps for “everything” is really warranted?

      • Dirk Gently

        I was being a bit facetious. But I also do seriously mean “everything” in terms of the much ballyhooed and maligned “intangibles”. Plus he appears to be able to run and is sturdy enough not to be injured on every tackle.

  • Mike Schilling

    I hate to say it, because I’m a 49ers fan and this is the best year in I don’t know how long, but …

    Tebow as a passer is Alex Smith, only more so.

  • Tracy Lightcap

    What I really like about Tebow’s sudden (and predictable, imho) rise is the way it gives the lie to all that Moneyball “old scout” crap about how you can’t run the option in pro ball.

    Horsepucky. Of course you can. Denver has been running extremely well because none of the teams they are playing know how to defense a zone read option. None of them. Nobody in pro football does. And, remember, the Broncs hardly know how to run the offense yet. Once they get the hang of it, pro football will change from the truly boring games we see today into something more accurately resembling modern football. True, you do need a stud at QB to run it – whatever else you can say about Tebow, he is stout – but really that’s not too hard to find.

    As to Tebow’s religiosity: Well, gee, we’ve never seen that before in pro football, right? Come on. The NFL – shoot, all football – is packed with Jesus freaks. True, most aren’t as public about it as Tebow is, but it’s there nonetheless. I could care less about this as long as his success leads the pros to become marginally entertaining on offense.

    And, yes, having a good D helps.

  • Green Caboose

    The key to the success of the Tebow offense has been no sacks. Remember how Tebow got killed against Detroit with all those sacks? Then Denver got the option working against Oakland and defenses stopped blitzing and shifted to containment strategies. And after the Jets gave up the game-winning TD to a Tebow run on an all-out blitz I doubt any DC is going to risk doing that again.

    So, you may have noticed that SD generally did well against the option – a few sizable runs but a lot of runs were stuffed too. However, when Tebow was back to pass he often had all day to throw.

    Now granted he doesn’t complete a lot of passes even in those situations, but those he does complete are for a much-higher-than-average yardage. And in the two minute offense Denver calls a much higher percentage of pass plays, so this increases their chances of scoring on those drives. This is why Denver keeps scoring late in the game. After 3 quarters of drives that end after failing to convert a third-and-long with a running play they move to a pass-first offense and move the ball.

    If Fox ever figures this out Denver’s offense might become scary good. The problem is that while Fox is an excellent defensive coach he is a horrible offensive tactician (as defensive head coaches often are). A couple games ago he went for it on 4th-and-a-half-yard and lost 2 yards on a running play to Ball, despite having a QB who is IDEAL for the sneak play. Since then he’s been too scared to try another 4th down, again despite having the best running QB in the NFL, possibly in history. He is very poor at basics like clock management or planning for 4th down decisions in advance. And he is a slave to conventional wisdom, including the brain-dead idiocy of the “icing the kicker” timeout.

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