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Robert Bork, Friend of Women Everywhere

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Mittens legal adviser and history’s greatest martyr Robert Bork helpfully explains that discrimination against women no longer exists.

How reliable a guide to the status of women is Robert Bork?   Now, I realize that citing Bork’s writings is the dirtiest political trick there absolutely ever was, but just to be uncivil perhaps I propose consulting Mr. Bork’s profound treatise Slouching Toward Gomorrah.  Selective quotation cannot really convey the cumulative effect of page after page of this kind of argument, but a couple representative samples:

Once such things as the right to vote and the right of wives to hold property in their own names had been won, the difference in the opportunities open to women has been largely due to technology.  I am old enough to remember my grandmother washing work clothes on a scrub board, mashing potatoes by hand, and emptying the water tray from the bottom of the ice box.  There was simply no possibility that she could have had both a family and a career.  Were she young today, she would find that shopping, food preparation, laundering and much else have been made dramatically easier so that she could, if she wished, become a lawyer or a doctor or virtually anything that appealed to her.

And let’s be clear: the idea that anybody but a woman could engage in shopping, food preparation, laundering or related activities is the purest Stalinism. But surely this the great legal mind is more egalitarian than this reflects?

As one might suspect from their hostility to men, marriage, and family, radical feminists are very much in favor of lesbianism. This involves more than the demand that lesbianism be accepted by society as just another “lifestyle.” They want not only lawful lesbian marriages but “reproductive rights” for lesbians. That means the right to bear children through artificial insemination and the right to adopt one’s lesbian partner’s child. Since sperm is sold freely in the United States, much more freely than in other nations, there are lesbian couples raising children. It takes little imagination to know how the children will be indoctrinated.

Why, American society is such a bastion of gender equity that we permit lesbians to raise children! Bork rests his case.

It’s a real triumph of conservative rhetoric that “Borking” has become a pejorative term although defeating Bork’s nomination is one of the few things that could justify the existence of the World’s Worst Deliberative Body.

The most important leather flight jackets you’ll ever own is a winter jacket sale. Our hooded trench coat are generally less expensive than motorcycle jackets for men and motorcycle apparel.

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  • Hogan

    Somehow “we don’t need a law about that because everyone everywhere is already doing the right thing” is supposed to count as a legal argument? Christ on tossing Galilee.

  • Malaclypse

    It takes little imagination to know how the children will be indoctrinated.

    It takes even less imagination to realize just how much heteronormative influence pervades this culture, and how much indoctrination already goes on.

    Bork can talk to me when Disney starts running Cinderella has Two Stepmothers videos.

    • DrDick

      It does, however, take a very active imagination (and a total disregard for facts) to argue that the children of same sex parents will automatically be raised to be homosexual.

      • PhoenixRising

        I didn’t read that as “raised to be queers”, I read it as “indoctrinated to believe that their assigned genders are not determinative of what their life paths will be”.

        Which would represent a jumped-to conclusion by Bork that happened to be correct, though not for the reasons he posits. IOW, stopped clock principle.

        • MR Bill

          Well, I was the gay single parent (my then boyfriend didn’t like kids..) who was able to raise my own two kids (and a foster son), and they all turned out straight. Their mom and I didn’t quite model herteronormative lives, but after she passed I went on to a good relationship. And they seem to like the guy I’ve been with for the last 5 years..If they were indoctrinated (and we attended a Unitarian congregation, they just don’t do indoctrination, even for tolerance), it was to treat everyone well, be respectful, sex is good (but potentially dangerous, and best in committed relationships), and not to judge books or people by their cover/presentment.
          I was relived the guys were not gay, because they have had enough difficulty in their lives.

          • Hogan

            they just don’t do indoctrination

            Ah, but that’s the most insidious indoctrination technique of them all!

  • c u n d gulag

    Just watch – if a Republican wins the Presidency next year, has a Republican Senate, there’a a SCOTUS vacancy, and Bork’s still alive, they’ll try to put him on the SC – just to piss off the Liberals and Democrats!

    After all, what does modern Conservatism stand for other than doing whatever it takes to piss-off the Liberals?

    And if they fail to do that, they’ll look to put Little Boots on the SC.
    That’s if the idiot Baseball owners don’t decide to make him Commissioner after Bud-lite Selig.

    • Warren Terra

      It won’t be Bork. Too old. Won’t be Dubya, either, for a host of reasons, but that he’ll be 67 in 2013 would be disqualifying in its own right.

      I still maintain that as a salutory side effect of their “totipotent cells are people” claim, the logical Republican appointee to the Supreme Court, to fill a life term, is a fetus. Or possibly a stem cell, frozen in liquid nitrogen, so that its life term need never expire. Like Clarence Thomas, it need hardly participate in the oral arguments, and as it’s a Republican we can dispense with the formalities of the nominee showing any pretense of considering the merits of the case or forming their own opinion of the outcome. Just feed Justice Stem Cell a steady stream of clerks from Liberty University, and they can write the opinions desired by Koch Industries.

      Although, that raises another exciting possibility: given that the court has already ruled that corporations are people, and that supreme court justices (unlike state judges) need never disqualify themselves for conflicts of interest: Supreme Court Justice Koch Industries. It’s probably inevitable.

      • c u n d gulag

        I bow to you, Sir!

        I can see Chief Justice FOX News adding up the unanimous votes.

    • Weirdly enough, I don’t think Dubya would be that bad as a baseball commissioner, assuming he was largely a figurehead.

      As for their next SCOTUS nominee: better Bork than another Roberts.

      • c u n d gulag

        Dumbaya?
        Really?

        Aren’t you afraid of him wanting to move the Central Divisions to the Middle East?

        • rea

          The sad thing is, in the context of baseball owners, GWB was a sensible and level-headed guy.

          • Pretty much, yes. I don’t think he’d be qualified for the gig given how complex it’s gotten and how many avenues of central revenue there are now, but I don’t think he’d necessarily be irredeemably awful either. I’d definitely wager he’d be better than Fay Vincent anyway.

          • wengler

            Whenever you add the caveat of ‘in the context of baseball owners’ you are setting the bar so low as to not let an ant go under it.

            Also GWB was never more than a minority figurehead owner of an organization that became one of the only major-league American sports teams to go through bankruptcy. This after the stadium built at public expense.

      • wengler

        You are wrong in so many ways.

  • So even in this Utopian paradise of equal opportunity that sprung forth (in Bork’s mind) after winves obtained the right to own property in their own names, they still had to cook and clean and sew buttons?

    I wonder…do you think any landed male gentry, say the Founders, would agree that owning property entitled them to the limitations of domesticity?

    • c u n d gulag

      We’re back to owning property, and the help was considered property.
      At least the darker ones.

      • David Hunt

        As well as the ones with two X chromosomes.

        • Warren Terra

          Be fair, in our new gilded age that the Right is building for us there will be a noble equality blind to race and gender making all of us serfs and villeins rightless property, cowering before our wealthy overlords.

          • Saurs

            No. Desirable (read: white) women will be relegated to the propagating class, as their biology dictates it should be. Women of color will be sterilized, or sent to laboring colonies to bear forth a new generation of plebs.

  • I’m struck that Bork thinks that mashing potatoes by hand is something that only happened in the distant past. Do Americans put them in the blender or something?

    • ploeg

      Even better: they go to Boston Market and pick up a gallon or two.

    • djw

      My grandmother does that, they taste gummy and terrible. As far as I know it’s widely done by hand. It takes me about 1/10th the time peeling them does. It’s certainly an odd example.

      • ploeg

        My folks always used the Sunbeam mixer (not a blender). It did an OK job by me, but then again, I’m from the Midwest.

      • Josephus

        Oh man, break get that amylose out into the open and you got yourself a gummy mess. The only time that should be allowed is with aligot. Oh, and Bork may go back to his hermetically sealed late 19th century world now.

      • PhoenixRising

        I skip peeling them, and the result is flavorful as well as texturally varied.

        …hey, is THAT what he meant by indoctrinating the rug rats? Hand ,awning of potatoes? Subtle, the man is subtle.

        • PhoenixRising

          Sorry, that was “hand mashing”. Damn you autocorrect!

          But the more I think about it, the more it appears that we’ve found the way these passages connect.

          In fact, my sisters and the wife’s sister (who, in Bork’s poetical formulation is my lawful sister in law, but for clarity I’m referring to 3 different women married to men) and their husbands are all raising the cousins to think mashed potatoes come from a box. Except on holidays when Aunt Mrs. Phoenix makes them from scratch. By mashing them with her own lesbian wedded hands.

          Good lard, is Robert Bork dead yet? Of age related natural causes?

          • I read it as hand pwning.

            Dad, please pass the pwned potatoes.

    • ajay

      Nowadays they use their feet. Like Italians pressing grapes.

    • Bart

      Maybe he means the little red ones, which he makes his wife mash by sitting on them.

    • DrDick

      It also displays a profound ignorance of the process. Making mashed potatoes, once you have boiled them, takes about 5 minutes and minimal labor (the potatoes are really soft after you cook them).

      • thebewilderness

        Properly mashed potatoes are put through a ricer first. He may be recalling the old style cone ricer that has been replace with the lever type. Technology! YAY! Reduces the effort by about 20%.
        I am tickled with his horror at the idea of lesbian women teaching their children that women are human and not objects provided for men to use as servants and human resource producers. Shocking!

        • MAJeff

          I LOVE my ricer!

    • I open a box, myself.

      • Warren Terra

        You open it yourself? Don’t you know that’s women’s work?

        • I didn’t say whose box.

          • efgoldman

            who’s
            /pedant

            • Warren Terra

              Pretty sure actor was right, and the correction in error.

              • Bill Murray

                I don’t think any of of us can be sure until we have someone examine the box in question

            • Adara

              No. /pedant

    • You want to use a ricer for best results, but I’m not gonna tell Robert Bork that his granny was a terrible cook.

  • DrDick

    Bork conveniently ignores the fact that working class women have always been a part of the workforce. My own grandmother left school at 14 to work in a factory.

    • prufrock

      My grandmother (born 1911) was the only one of her mother’s six children to graduate high school. Her family put a lot of pressure on her to quit (yew don’t need none of that fancy book larning). She worked for the next fifty-two years, until I was born.

  • Jay Schiavone

    “…defeating Bork’s nomination is one of the few things that could justify the existence of the World’s Worst Deliberative Body.”
    They more than made up for it with the Thomas confirmation.

    • David Hunt

      Based on everything that I’ve read about Bork, I suspect that you’re incorrect in that statement. I thank FSM that that I’ll never have to find out.

  • Borking: Using the public record to expose someone as a radical extremist. See also, Telling the fucking truth!

  • RepubAnon

    I particularly like the part where Mr. Bork advocates increased government regulation” “Since sperm is sold freely in the United States, much more freely than in other nations…”

  • jnorris

    Radical feminist lesbians hate marriage and family so much that they want the legal right to get married and start families. Or something. A great legal mind on display here.

    Also, too, Bork wants the state to decide who can reproduce based on how they might raise their children? How would that work? Forced abortions for lesbians? Outlawing turkey basters?

  • Uncle Kvetch

    My mother has always used a hand mixer. When I struck out on my own I was amazed at how quick and easy it was to mash by hand. Then The Hubby came along and introduced me to the ricer, and damn…even better! (But if you like a somewhat lumpy “home style” mash, the hand masher is your choice.)

    The electric mixer (for mashed spuds, anyway — it has its other uses, of course) is right up there with the electric can opener and the electric knife on my list of supposed conveniences that aren’t actually any more “convenient” than what they replaced.

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  • Frank in midtown

    Boy I sure do wish that technology had helped me with my manly household responsibilities. I’d have a lot more opportunities, if I didn’t have to chop firewood or gut and skin the game.

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