America: Keep Your Head and Arms Inside the Mixer At All Times

I added a whole new chapter about the Reflecting Pool to The Book about this because how could I not?

For 14 months, it didn’t seem as though there was a case too ridiculous for Jeanine Pirro to bring. Grand juries no-billed her office dozens of times. D.C. juries have acquitted her defendants at the drop of a sandwich. At one point, her office’s lack of faith in these joke prosecutions got so bad that she had to bring in a dance photographer to run a case. As the embarrassments in service of Trump’s whims mounted, you had to wonder: how low could Pirro’s office sink?

As it turns out, roughly 30 inches.

That’s the depth of the Reflecting Pool in Washington, and that’s the case that even Pirro’s zeal for the frivolous couldn’t overcome. Pirro’s office had charged a former Olympian with a federal crime as a patsy after the administration’s gross incompetence turned the Pool into a green mess, but as the trial drew closer, the lack of any evidence left the former judge staring down another humiliating — and potentially ethically fraught — defeat. She’d painted herself into a corner and, unlike the Reflecting Pool project, it wasn’t peeling up fast enough. Thus, she dismissed the case, admitting what everyone in touch with reality knew all along: the damage to the Pool came from the slapdash renovation effort.

Unfortunately, Pirro’s boss no longer enjoys the warm caress of reality’s touch. So the former TV host is reportedly poised to be fired by… the other former TV host. According to CNN:

Unfortunately, Pirro’s boss no longer enjoys the warm caress of reality’s touch. So the former TV host is reportedly poised to be fired by… the other former TV host. According to CNN:

The president is “furious” with Pirro, one of the sources said, telling CNN that he fumed about her all weekend. They added that based on his criticisms of her, they find it “highly likely she’s removed from her job.”

A senior administration official also told CNN the president was “blindsided” by the decision, which is a strange complaint to make about a prosecutor declining to prosecute an obviously innocent man, until you remember the president’s brain is a mush of dementia warmed over every morning in the microwave of Fox News propaganda. Absorbing a steady diet of credulous hosts pretending the Reflecting Pool vandalism claims made sense, Pirro’s filing almost certainly marked his first contact with the idea that David Hearn, a 67-year-old former Olympic canoeist, had not “forcefully and violently” dredged up a 2,000-foot national monument.

Speaking of the Dead Milkmen’s opus “Stuart,” a friend sent me this:

I went to the Michigan-Purdue game in West Lafayette in November of 1979, so I was RIGHT NEXT TO THE TRAILER of the actual Stuart (Stewart)!

This fills me with indescribable happiness, even though that weekend was a very melancholy one at the time, what with Michigan losing (one of just eight conference losses in the entire decade), and my girlfriend leaving me for some foreign guy — the girlfriend of the friend I went down to West Lafayette with, who was a student at Purdue, played Carole King’s Tapestry on her high-fidelity sound system all weekend and I have always associated that album with that deep and dark November.

America I’ve given you all and now I’m nothing.