Advice from your mortal enemies

This is a very clever dissection of misogynists who offer “advice” to women about how they have a solemn obligation to settle for an undesirable partner lest they be alone:

Have you ever seen warnings (typically on social media) directed to women about how important it is for them not to “wait too long” to settle down, lest they “die alone with cats?”

It’s not usually older women warning the younger cohort about their mistakes—it’s men, who for some reason are the experts on female happiness, despite never making a woman happy. They warn that if women don’t marry a man—any man—and have kids with him as soon as possible, they’ll be living with eternal regret. If a single woman expresses any happiness being alone or enjoying life with platonic female friends and hobbies (even if she doesn’t mention men or say anything negative about them) she’s bombarded with men who seem unreasonably angry that she’s happy alone, insisting she’s lying about it and must secretly be miserable.

One has to wonder why it bothers them so much that a woman they claim to find repulsive is happily leaving them alone.

After seeing the fiftieth tweet on this topic in twenty-four hours, I had a thought: Why are these men so preoccupied with women’s happiness? They’re never the men who seem to care about women’s happiness in any other context—they barely see the point in the female orgasm. But when it comes to single women (especially over thirty) saying they’re happy, suddenly these men are deeply concerned about women’s quality of life. No, they’re not worried about whether wives and mothers are happy. In fact, they’re quick to tell moms to shut up if we express any negative emotions. But those single women—they must be guided to the light. And the light, oddly enough, is always to preemptively lower their standards.

Essentially, the advice boils down to “if you’re single and say you’re happy, you must be lying,” and it’s projection combined with a mistaken assumption that women are generally the driving force in wanting to be partnered:

Now, don’t mistake this for me un-endorsing marriage. I’m a big fan of marriage. I consider myself lucky in that I married someone I really like, who apparently likes me, which is probably the endgame for most hetero women. Yes, there are women who don’t believe in marriage, women who prefer polyamorous arrangements, or women who prefer the companionship of ChatGPT role-playing as Loki, but I think we can all agree they’re in the minority, at least for now. The surveys I’ve done have all backed up that despite the hand-wringing about marriage going out of style, the vast majority of men and women still want it.

But what happens if you get to a certain age, and that hasn’t happened? After all, despite most people still being interested in marriage, the marriage rate is declining. Perhaps marriage to a guy you really like is still your goal, but as you get older, what do you do about the possibility that it may never happen, as the dating pool gets smaller? You basically have two choices: accept the possibility of it never happening (even if you’re still striving for it) and optimize your life as a happily single person in the interim, or marry someone where there is not a high degree of mutual attraction.

Most women who filled out my recent survey were given this exact choice—and 69% of them indicated they would rather stay single indefinitely than marry someone they found completely mediocre. Men were far less likely to agree with this statement. 

Rob Henderson recently posted a 2024 study from Cambridge University which concludes that adolescent girls and adult women both place less urgency and emphasis on romantic relationships than their male counterparts.

Being single is, as an English poet once said, better than being in a bad relationship, and this is much better advice than “settle for some shithead because you’re past an arbitrary age milestone.” Under contemporary cultural conditions, it shouldn’t be surprising that women are on average more likely to understand this.

Incidentally, I think one reason that Jordan Peterson has faded from the public discourse is that while he certainly offered the kooky misogyny and deep perpetual grievance that resentful “settle for your own good” types want, he also said that young men should, you know, clean their rooms and dress presentably and get a job, stuff like that there. Your Andrew Tates and pro podcasters offer a purerer “if you aren’t getting what you want it’s all their fault” vision.