The New York Times wants to be the GOP’s private 4th Estate

At 620 Eighth Avenue, NY, NY, a phone rings twice, and is answered.

Receptionist: Good afternoon! Mass Kidnappings, Mental Trauma, Maulings, Murder & Mayhem. How may I help you?

Caller: … Sorry, isn’t this the New York Times?

R: We’re transitioning away from that brand. Our new name reflects our mission: To provide PR for Republicans, no matter how disgusting they might be.

C: Really?

R: Really. We do it all. Amplify and normalize the bigotry of Republican voters with creative euphemisms in endless soft-focus pieces on the Republican residents of various Republican strongholds across the U.S. Portray the increasingly erratic and violent behavior of Republican members of Congress and the once and future President as harmless quirks or legitimate political maneuvering. Things of that nature.
We’re particularly proud of a recent front page article we produced for some of our top clients. Several Republican governors have been luring immigrants from Central and South America into planes or buses and shipping them to Democratic areas where the governors hope there won’t be any assistance for their victims.

C: Oh my God! Are they OK?

R: The governors are fine sir. But it is nice of you to be concerned about our clients. No, it’s not as though Governor Abbott had to spend nearly two days sitting on a crowded bus that has only one toilet or anything. And we helped clean up after them – the governors, not the immigrants – by framing the Republicans’ intentional deceit and mistreatment of men, women and children as a message to President Biden. The headline was “Migrants sent to Martha’s Vineyard as Message,” wonderful alliteration, no? And who except humorless woke liberals can object to a message? Messaging is a form of speech and as the Paper of Republican Record, we do love the First Amendment.

C: How was doing that to people a message? And what sort of message?

R: I’m afraid you aren’t understanding what we do here at Mass Kidnappings, Mental Trauma, Maulings, Murder & Mayhem. Governors have countless ways to send a message to President Biden and the rest of the world that don’t involve harming other people. And frankly, sending immigrants to heavily Democratic areas, gloating about it and expecting Democrats to blame President Biden is absurd. Obviously, kidnapping immigrants, many of whom have already endured violence and persecution, and shipping them off to who-knows-where is just the sort of sadism that bullies and other cruel cowards indulge in when they can get away with it. But of course we didn’t say that. We wouldn’t get paid. Instead we had the the marvelous headline, followed by a lede about the frantic reaction of residents of Martha’s Vineyard who tried to help. The article mentions the immigrants themselves as little as possible to prevent the reader developing sympathy for their plight. That might cause them to look unfavorably on our clients.

C: Well, at least you showed that people helped.

R: No, no, no.

C: No?

R: We showed they were unprepared. For the unannounced arrival of the Governor DeSantis’ victims, that is. The article picks up on the theme of officials in Democratic areas being unprepared for the cruel whims of Republican governors a few paragraphs later.

C: Why would anyone be prepared for someone to do something like that? That’s like saying that the people in downtown LA should have been prepared for hospitals to dump impoverished, sick patients there.

R: They absolutely wouldn’t, isn’t it wonderful? Our aim here at Mass Kidnappings, Mental Trauma, Maulings, Murder & Mayhem is to make Republicans look good. Naturally that also means making Democrats look bad. Dems in disarray, right?

C: Right. I see the article online “With Faraway Migrant Drop-Offs, G.O.P. Governors Are Doubling Down.”

R: Not as tight as the print headline, but admirably vague on the human suffering they caused and doubling down it makes the governors look tough, without saying they’re doubling down on human suffering.

C. Of course. Did you say once and future –

R: How may I help you today?

C: I was calling for my 1:30 job interview.

R: Oh, I will connect you right away. Who is the interview – Hello? Hello?

The phone rings again. The receptionist answers and hears thick, heavy breathing and lip smacking noises.

R: Oh hello, Senator-in-Waiting Masters. Have you had another hunting accident that involves a live boy, a dead girl and a stunned bighorn sheep?

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Full disclosure: I did not read the entire article because that would have meant either giving money to the corporation, or unfolding a paper I hadn’t paid for, reading it and putting it back like a complete shithead. Therefore I should address the possibility that the article pivoted to pointing out the error of Abbott’s, DeSantis’ and Ducey’s ways or acknowledging the suffering of their victims or otherwise not providing the spin for petty and cruel bullshit: Who gives a shit? Not me.