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Return of the Magary

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I wish I had seen this before the open thread, but if you’re still sad about the lack of a Williams-Sonoma guide because of his unfortunate illness last year, Magary on the Oscars will make you happy:

Bohemian Rhapsody. Okay NOW we’re into the horrible shit. Bohemian Rhapsody was like if someone made the movie version of a Wikipedia page but somehow read the wrong Wikipedia page. Here’s a movie that made nearly a BILLION dollars worldwide despite the fact that you can listen to Queen for free at home anytime you like, and despite the fact that it was “directed” by an accused pederast who apparently abandoned the set every six minutes. That’s how you end up with composite shots that look like they were filmed in 18 different locations…

Top filmmaking right there. Again, that made a billion dollars somehow. You will hear lots of insufferably earnest liberal platitudes on stage Sunday night, but none of those niceties will successfully launder the sordid reality of how this whole industry operates. Bryan Singer’s movie gets a billion dollars and a shitload of Oscar noms, and another production company pays him $10 million to NOT direct a remake of Red Sonja. I saw the original Red Sonja. It’s fucking terrible (Arnold Schwarzenegger was infamously invited to join the movie in a cameo role, only to get hoodwinked into being a full co-star), and Singer getting $10 million for being attached to it is nearly as distressing as all the other shit he’s accused of having done.

[…]

Green Book, aka Dis Time, Miss Daisy Is Gonna Drive YOU! I think Spike’s death stare here speaks for us all…

This is a glorified cable TV movie, co-written by a lying racist and directed by a goofy shithead who hasn’t made a good movie in two decades, that somehow got nominated for five trophies and already won best picture at the Globes (a better TV show with a somehow even worse track record). How did this happen? Let’s check in, as we do every year, with some of the crotchety fuckheads who vote for these awards and then anonymously explain to the public how they voted they way they did:

One voter, a studio executive in his 50s, admitted that his support for “Green Book” was rooted in rage. He said he was tired of being told what movies to like and not like.

Again, I’m just glad that studio executives finally get to throw some weight around. Been too long since their voices have been heard! And I’m overjoyed that Cecil B. DeMille here voted for Green Book just to own the libs. Really burnishes the prestige of the Oscars.

That’s the stuff.

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