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We Deserve Trump



There’s plenty we could talk about this evening. The Republican health care “plan.” Muslim Ban 2: Racist Boogaloo. DHS Secretary Kelly talking about the Gestapo ICE splitting up parents from children when undocumented immigrants are caught. All kinds of fun times.

But we need to talk about something really important, an issue that demonstrates why this nation deserves Donald Trump. And that is Peeps filled Oreos. It’s a known objective fact that Peeps are the worst candy in human history. Sure, make an argument for those orange circus peanuts things if you want. But Peeps are utterly grotesque and probably what what you get when Sean Spicer dresses up at the Easter Bunny. I don’t really eat cookies, but if I was to eat a mass-produced major brand cookie, I might well eat an Oreo. Under normal circumstances, they aren’t hateable, even if the stuffing is scary unidentifiable material. So why would you fill it with a flavor that would actually be improved with a dose of ketchup? I recognize that industrial food manufacturers, like any other makers of consumer products, are constantly looking for new products. Sometimes even the craziest ideas, like the Dorito shell tacos, are big hits. So the issue here is not with Mondelez, the French-sounding name given to the megacorp that Nabisco became, even if that company is vile in their outsourcing labor practices. It’s with people who would see this and say, “I want Peeps-stuffed Oreos because I can’t get enough Peeps.” Who would say this? Trump voters, I assume. But at least they are getting their comeuppance:

Who would have thought the 21st Century would produce so many food items that turn people’s poop abnormal colors that the topic would require its own custom search tag on many an internet blog? Yet here we are. Barely a year after Burger King’s all black goth-burger had people shedding green turds and uploading the photo evidence to social media (NSFL), people are claiming the new Peep flavored Oreos are turning their poops pink.

This is the best possible result for this abomination. Certainly the experience of seeing your feces contaminated with colors never seen anywhere close to nature is a better fate than actually tasting this horror.

And now we see why we have elected a man who thinks that his shitty restaurant’s taco salad is a good way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo and who eats his steak well-done and covered in ketchup is president of these United States.

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