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An Inaugural Poem


An anonymous bard sends along this celebration of our new president:

Come out for the Drumpfster, deplorables all,
Short-fingered vulgarian, builder of malls!
With purpose and strength he came down from his tower
To welcome his vassals in a golden shower.
Now a cry has gone up and the KKK calls,
“Come out for the Drumpfster, deplorables all!”

When freedom is threatened by Obamacare
And Muslims and Mooselimbs run loose everywhere
We’ll take an extra syllable or two to express how mad we are
And thank the Almighty for Drumpf our new czar.
He’ll never betray us, he’ll build us a wall,
Who elected the Drumpfster, deplorables all!

When arrogant Negroes displayed their free phones,
And crashed the economy with their home loans,
As Kenyan usurpers defiled our White House
And limousine liberals lined their own pockets*
The forgotten decided to heft up their balls
And march for the Drumpfster, deplorables all!

The Drumpfster’s a humble man, eager to serve,
Ne’er screwing his clients out of fees they deserve.
A soldier for justice, a wronger of right,
And an indefatigable warrior for the execution of five young black men even after DNA evidence determined that they were totally innocent of the horrible rape of which they were falsely accused and about which Drumpf took out a full-page ad in the New York Times not long after the events of that terrible night.
The honest and true gladly shout “uber alles!”
And stand for the Drumpster, deplorables alles!

True friend of the migrant from both far and near,
He rejects the swarthy, and guards our frontier,
Lest a scarf-wearing woman, cov’ring her hair,
Should threaten our lives and our nation impair.
We stand with the whites who say “yee-ha” and “y’all,”
Coming out for the Drumpster, deplorables all!

Academe lies in ruins, and this we deride
So we can say “retard” and “pussy” with pride;
Its mendacious scientists roaming the land
With lies about “climate change” and lists of demands.
Now we learnèd of mind add ourselves to the crowd
(We learned to say learnèd, of this we are proud!)

The black man, forgotten, in poverty dying,
The poor man, the sick man, with young children crying,
The soldier abroad and the mother who waits,
The young without work or behind prison gates,
The veterans, wounded, are totally fucked
The Drumpfster will drumpf them in his Drumpfster truck.

Whilst scary young shemales flashing their gams
Teach children to dress up as ewes or as rams,
We doughty young boys will defend our bathrooms
For Drumpf will ensure that all grooms will be grooms!
Now the bonnie young lassies en route to the ball
Have a champion in Drumpfster, deplorables all!

But for all his great wisdom, the crotch-grabbing man
Is matched by his children, the handsome Drumpf clan,
And the flower of Europe, Melania the fair,
Adds a luster and grace with her long flowing hair.
May they purge the White House of the blackness that palls,
And cleanse it with Drumpsters, deplorables all!

Is there man left in Russia, be it early or late,
Who remembers Ivan or Putin the Great?
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.
Get up and walk free, while democracies fall,
And pledge to the Drumpster, deplorables all!

Welcome to 1,460 days of hell. Let’s try to save the ACA and remember to make a daily toast to the health of Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer.

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