Actual lede of an actual New York Times piece:
WASHINGTON — He didn’t see it coming.
Speaker Paul D. Ryan was in a hotel room in Cincinnati last May when he learned that Donald J. Trump — a man he barely knew, with no institutional ties to his party and a mouth that had already clacked his nerves — had secured the Republican nomination for president.
Who knew that Paul Ryan was actually a Mongolian yak herder (and one without internet access)?
This is predictably a prelude to yet another explanation of how Paul Ryan, one of the two highest-ranking Republican elected officials in America, who endorsed Donald Trump for president months ago and continues to endorse him as of this morning, eighteen days before the election, is like totally in a bind not of his own making, and we should feel real sorry for him, and not hold any of it against him, because he ran a marathon to the top of Pikes Peak in 2:54 or something:
Mr. Sykes [Charlie Sykes, former right wing talk radio host and apparently now Paul Ryan’s errand boy] let Mr. Priebus know via text that Mr. Trump was no longer welcome in Wisconsin. Mr. Sykes said Mr. Priebus responded: “I am the guy trying to fix this! I am in tears over this.’” (A spokeswoman for Mr. Priebus acknowledged that he was upset, but denied any tears.)
Mr. Ryan agonized over his options. Ultimately, he chose not to withdraw his endorsement to keep Republicans motivated to vote, which still angered some of his conference. “I think they ask far too much of the speaker,” said Representative Jason Chaffetz, Republican of Utah, who has renounced Mr. Trump. “His job is to help House Republicans. Period.”
Mr. Ryan will soon find out if those members of his party who support Mr. Trump might come after him in the next speaker election. “We knew they had extreme views and you kind of rolled your eyes and said they were on our team,” Mr. Sykes said. “How much damage could they do?”
Don’t cry no tears around me.
Anyway, when the whole Trump thing is suddenly discovered to be a huge misunderstanding that also never really happened at all (I estimate this discovery will be made at approximately 5:17 AM UTC on November 9, 2016) Paul Ryan will be there to stare soulfully into the eyes of liberal journalists and thinkfluencers, while gently reminding them of the agonizing dilemmas he has endured for the sake of
Paul Ryan’s political aspirations the good of the country.