If you were thinking that Jill Stein’s campaign could really use a boss white hippity hopper who supplies you with abundantly mad rhymes and ill beats on the Victrola, your burnt offerings and scattered poultry entrails have been answered by the sky gods. Behold the guy you want to see in a dick-punching contest with Martin Shkreli:
Matt Orflea — who looks like a guy who would hold up the beer pong tournament to explain how the 2016 Nevada Democratic Party caucuses were nothing but total fucking riggery — opens this four-minute saga by nodding in a mostly def fashion in front of the World War II and Franklin Roosevelt memorials, perhaps to remind us of a time when Democrats weren’t corporate whores. Then he reminds us that Jill Stein is the only candidate left who is not a “corporate whore,” all of which goes to prove that it’s still possible for some people to use the term “corporate whore” in earnest, and that it’s 1936 and Matt Orflea hasn’t yet received the Comintern memo declaring FDR the lesser evil. After vouching for Stein’s authenticity by noting that she’s “the only candidate who doesn’t use hair dye,” Orflea — who might like to speak with you about how you can run your car on a salt water battery — spends the next several minutes statue-molesting Roosevelt, invoking Optimus Prime and orcs, and figuring out that “legalize weed” and “TPP” sort of rhyme, bro. Your mileage may vary, but for me, the rhyme peaks like Mt. Rainier at the start of the second verse:
Her purpose is urgent, Jill’s the doctor to call
She’s more green and appealing than Kermit the frog!
No more corporate control, make healthcare universal
Jill’s green and radical like a ninja turtle….
This guy is so sick he ought to wear a surgical mask and take large doses of zinc.
Unfortunately, Orflea — who probably wonders if children are receiving too many vaccinations too soon in their lives — does not provide a trigger warning about the auto-tuning freeware app he used to record this epically dope shit. So at roughly one-minute intervals starting at 1:05, you’re going to want to mute the audio. The rest of it is just too good to describe.