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Today in the Stadium Scam

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The Washington Racists want a new stadium. Owner George Armstrong Custer Daniel Snyder wants that stadium to be publicly funded. And if there’s one city that lacks any problems with poverty or income inequality and therefore should dump millions into subsidizing the toy of a particularly vile rich man, it’s Washington. The early design for the new stadium is in. It includes a moat. And a whole bunch of other stupid things.

The images, revealed on 60 Minutes last night, show a translucent wave-like structure surrounded by a moat for kayakers, along with parks and bridges for tailgaters and fans. Yes, kayakers. Because nothing says football like kayaking. And a moat! What better way for Dan Snyder to dispel the idea that he is a self-crowned dwarf monarch than by putting a fucking MOAT around his stadium?

Take a closer look at the design—commissioned by the Skins for architectural firm and possible Midwestern design conference BIG—and you will see …

SURFERS. Hang ten, dude! I’m all about catching tasty waves and learning facts about Native Americans that the liberal media doesn’t want you to know! My deepest gratitude to the first person to Photoshop Poochie on that surfboard.

RAPPELLERS. Quick! Let’s all scale down the wall of the stadium to go apprehend the Blues Brothers. I’ve met Skins fans and I can promise you that they’re not fit to climb anything. They can barely step up in to their F150s after drunkenly hurling epithets at DeSean Jackson for three hours.

A FUCKING BEACH. What am I gonna do with a stadium beach in November with the Skins 0-9? The only person who will still be enjoying his time out here is Kirk Cousins’s agent.

ROLLERBLADERS. Someone at BIG was clearly like, “We need it to appeal to the youngs. I KNOW! ROLLERBLADES! The youngs do that! Let’s have them bonging Dew as well!”

Total brilliance. It’s hard to see why the people of Washington wouldn’t embrace this design and cough up all the money for it.

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