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BALLGHAZI! The Greatest Scandal There Absolutely Ever Was Except Steroids

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Look, everyone knows that Bill BeliCHEAT only won because of those times they videotaped something. Why, they were never really able to put a decent team together after that. But that was nothing compared to the scandal of the deflated balls. I don’t think there can be any question that this provided New England with their razor-thin margin of victory last week. There can only be one equitable solution — Roger Goodell, in all his impeccable integritude, must declare a last week’s game a forfeit and a victory for Indianapolis.

However! Nobody likes a tattletale, so the Colts can hardly get off Scot-free here. I think they should have a player suspended too — to pick an entirely random player off their roster, let’s say…Andrew Luck. Now, you might think this might be a major handicap heading into the Super Bowl. Not hardly! Why, as master stratgerist Mike McCarthy has proven, you should try to give your running back 20 carries a half regardless of the circumstances. Last week, he was very nearly able to win with that approach despite such formidable obstacles as “the other team turning the ball over 5 times” and “the opposition QB putting together a robust 0 QB rating after 3 quarters.” And here’s the kicker — McCarthy certainly didn’t have 3RD OVERALL PICK TRENT RICHARDSON in his arsenal. As a Seahawks fan, I am frankly terrified of the Colts grounding and pounding their way to victory — but, hey, fair’s fair.

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