BALLGHAZI! The Greatest Scandal There Absolutely Ever Was Except Steroids

Look, everyone knows that Bill BeliCHEAT only won because of those times they videotaped something. Why, they were never really able to put a decent team together after that. But that was nothing compared to the scandal of the deflated balls. I don’t think there can be any question that this provided New England with their razor-thin margin of victory last week. There can only be one equitable solution — Roger Goodell, in all his impeccable integritude, must declare a last week’s game a forfeit and a victory for Indianapolis.

However! Nobody likes a tattletale, so the Colts can hardly get off Scot-free here. I think they should have a player suspended too — to pick an entirely random player off their roster, let’s say…Andrew Luck. Now, you might think this might be a major handicap heading into the Super Bowl. Not hardly! Why, as master stratgerist Mike McCarthy has proven, you should try to give your running back 20 carries a half regardless of the circumstances. Last week, he was very nearly able to win with that approach despite such formidable obstacles as “the other team turning the ball over 5 times” and “the opposition QB putting together a robust 0 QB rating after 3 quarters.” And here’s the kicker — McCarthy certainly didn’t have 3RD OVERALL PICK TRENT RICHARDSON in his arsenal. As a Seahawks fan, I am frankly terrified of the Colts grounding and pounding their way to victory — but, hey, fair’s fair.