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He is Boss

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What do the ladies want? Men want wide-hipped young sluts, while ladies want old men like me—that’s why the ladies love men my age even though I can’t stand the sight of them. That celebrity couple disgusts me—it disgusts me like it would another man my age seeing a woman our age wet and naked. Old women look old, and it’s cruel to make me look at them. There’s this one rich old bird who looks hot, but at her age she sags in all the wrong the places as any drunken frat boy knows and they wouldn’t bone her for all her money.

It’s a good thing Mitt Romney’s not a drunken frat boy.

You know why Mitt Romney’s awesome? Check out his stats: he has so much money he gives it away and when he touches things he rules them. He has kids. They’re boys. All of them. Science says that means he’s awesome. So does money. Rich people are mostly men. See that picture? No daughters. Barely any granddaughters either. When he goes to church he goes to church. He gets all up in that house.

Obama? All daughters. Mister Rogers was a pussy.

Science says Romney should have all the lady-votes. Even Obama’s bitch should vote for him. I’m not saying he’s a polygamist, but he could be if he wanted to. Like this rich guy who had 61 children and they were all boys. He can’t have a harem, but if he could bitches would be lining up to join it. He’s in charge. Because now that we don’t hunt it’s all about the money and Mitt has more. He’s more President than the last eight Presidents. If he paid taxes, he’d pay more a year than Obama’s worth. If he didn’t tap ass so expertly he’d have more money than the only wealthy black guy I can think of who’s a rapper.

It’s time for Romney to drop trou’ and show us his moneybags.

Some hippies think calling him “R-MONEY” is funny. The only wealthy black guy I can think of uses lowercase letters but R-MONEY’s capitalized. He drops can do what black rappers do only bigger. Rappers have money, but R-MONEY’s money has money and it lives in money. He has so much money it’s heavy.

Romney’s always saying that he loves money, and that we should love money, but the haters will hate. He celebrates people with money and how they got it. He even loves the little money so much he once didn’t give in a fight to protect it. He could’ve sued that guy and took his money but the point is he was on an airplane he didn’t own because he cares about the little money. He could buy his own airplanes and still have more money than an actress and a Senator. And the Senator can’t even remember how many houses he owns.

I suppose he’s frontin’ and good on him. Humility is next to godliness which is next to money. But he needs to stop frontin’ and start ballin’ like the player he is. He should show us his money. He should show us how awesome it is having his money. People will be like “I don’t hate you or your money! I love your money!” They sit on there couches without nearly the amount of his money and watch someone who only acts like he has money curb-stomping poor people. They don’t hate that guy with the 17 Italian cars because he has 39 other ones and they’re green. Lots of children of men like Romney don’t turn into R-MONEY. That Senator has more houses than he can remember but is his daughter going to turn into R-MONEY?

Romney should find out what happened to some other rich guy but not tell anyone about it because he voted for Obama. But he spent his money so hard nobody can even find him anymore. When someone asked that rich guy about his money he said he’d had it since the Puritans. Romney should follow his lead and talk about the rich history of his money all the time.

He’s always had money—his Dad was CEO and America—but he gave it Dad’s money away and started a school so people remembered Dad’s money. Why? Because he already had his money by the time Dad kicked. His Dad was a boss. So is Romney. Men want to be under him. He will curb-stomp poor people. His sons will curb-stomp poor people. Obama was never a boss until the democratic process made him one and only because when Americans travel to Europe they act like assholes. Obama made his little money in politics and by writing about himself. He’d be nothing without a foul-mouthed Jew.

Elections aren’t about issues. They’re not about our money. They’re about his money and what it took to get it: leadership. Romney rules and we don’t. Some former someone once had some uppity bitch try to teach him to be like Romney and she failed:

“Show us your big dick” she said. “A man is top dog” she said. Then she said “Everyone thinks you’re a pussy so prove you can man-up.” But she also said the opposite about another guy when she didn’t like him.

But she was right the first time—only a man with a dick that makes sons and grandsons who rape people is a man. Some lady told us that we need a lot of people and Romney made a lot of people and they’re men. A magazine called Romney a pussy, but look at the size of his money. Look at what his dick made. Look at his wife back when she was attractive and look at him smirking about the ass she lost to time. Why should he worry about people knowing about his money? I bet he doesn’t. He’s done everything right and should own it. And by own it I mean flash mad plastic and put it on a jet or something.

[This is a concept-for-concept translation of Kevin Williamson’s glorious cover story in the new National Review. All leaps in logic and offensive ideas are the sole property of Kevin Williamson or the National Review or whatever I don’t know their arrangement. Point is don’t blame me. I’m just a lowly translator.]

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