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Understanding the Zombie-Terrorist Menace

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Max Baucus will not allow them to feast on the warm, nourishing brains of his constituents:

“Housing potential terrorists in Montana is not good for our state,” Max Baucus, the state’s senior Democratic senator, wrote to Smith. “These people stop at nothing. Their primary goal in life, and death, is to destroy America.”

Baucus did not specify whether the zombie terrorists are of the slow-moving variety — as in the 1978 version of Dawn of the Dead — or of the speedier breed to be found in the 2004 version of the same film. We pay our leaders, however, to protect us from such awful knowledge; more importantly, disclosing such information would compromise national security by alerting the terrorists to the fact that we know what kind of zombies they will become. Smart.

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