For nearly forty years, a prophecy — known only to the clerics of Outer Wingnuttia — has foretold the arrival of the One True Redeemer, a Chosen One who will recalibrate the scales of national honor by atoning for the sins of Walter Cronkite, one of History’s Greatest Living Monsters, and the CBS network that sponsored his betrayals.
At last, it appears the day of atonement has arrived. Behold Jules Crittenden:
Cronkite made it acceptable to question Vietnam, to accept failure, and ultimately to abandon Vietnam, which at this late date, makes it acceptable to pretend there were no dire consequences for the United States, for millions of Southeast Asians. Couric, best known at CBS for a well-turned ankle, is now bucking convention by daring to say something good is happening there. It would be ironic if TV’s most famously lightweight anchor made it acceptable to think seriously about Iraq, our progress there, our prospects there, the consequences of abandonment there.
Oh, ho, ho, irony! Oh, no, no, we don’t get that here. See, uh, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony’s not really a, a high priority. We haven’t had any irony here since about, uh, ’83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.