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A Day in the Life of Ace O. Spades, Heterosexual

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While I spent the evening trying to keep my dog from licking her wound from yesterday’s expensive knee surgery, Ace O. Spades — the blogosphere’s greatest living heterosexual — was wringing out the jizz mop and calling it a day after thinking about Scott Thomas Beauchamp for nearly 24 consecutive hours.

To save readers time, here’s the Reader’s Digest condensed version:

12:37 a.m.: OMG, I totally have a source who knows who Scott Thomas is — someone who works at TNR! We’ve been Google messaging all night! I totally believe my anonymous internet friend is for real, because some other blogger said so! Tomorrow is going to rule!!!111ONE!!EXCLAMATION PO11NT!!!!111!

1:12 p.m.: Fiddlesticks! The cat’s out of the bag. Ha! Scott Thomas Beauchamp has a stupid blog! Ha! Stupid hippie!

1:28 p.m.: OMG! Naked chicks kissing!

1:52 p.m.: So it looks like Beauchamp is getting married to someone at TNR. Oh, and by telling you that, I helped get my source fired. That really makes me mad! This is so like the Valerie Wilson-Joseph Plame thing! Er . . .

4:33 p.m.: I can’t believe people at The Corner don’t care about this like I do! And they won’t link to me! I’m so mad! So mad that I’m going to waste the rest of my day on Google! I hate J-Pod!

4:43 p.m.: Other people use Google, too. That’s so cool! Stupid MSM!

5:43 p.m.: I’m now very interested in Scott Beauchamp’s romantic history, because . . . um . . . shit, I dunno . . . because of . . . . um . . . Stephen Glass!!!!ONE111!!!1

6:08 p.m.: I still can’t believe J-Pod isn’t giving me any respect! I hate journalists! Bloggers rule! Dan Rather! Dan Rather! Dan Rather1

7:01 p.m.: All this activity has left me a little chafed. Sorry. I’m going to stop now.

7:57 p.m.: No, wait a minute! I have speculations and more speculations!

8:09 p.m.: Did I mention that someone got fired because of me? That sucks! Stupid MSM!

8:22 p.m.: Wow, Beauchamp’s blog really sucks!

11:23 p.m.: Bloggers are funny! Ha! Stephen Glass! Stephen Glass! Stephen Glass!

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