Psychiatric Query

Among the many things I hate about the start of each semester — e.g., having to leave the house, having to wear pants, etc. — I am especially distressed by the avalanche of pointless meetings I’m supposed to attend, as if three weeks of lethargy had somehow de-institutionalized the entire faculty, leaving us incapable of using brainless phrases like “buy in” and “ramp up” in complete sentences. Jesus, I hate meetings. I’d like not to attend them any more.

Which brings me to todays query. I’ve given the DSM-IV a cursory scan, and I can’t seem to find any coding for something like “meeting phobia.” Now, I should note that I’m not actually phobic of meetings — at least not yet. My extraordinarily negative feelings toward them are, I think, completely reasonable and hardly excessive, and I don’t usually react to meetings with full-blown panic attacks. And unlike most specific phobias, my loathing for meetings can’t be chalked up to any specific traumatic experience.

That being said, does anyone out there know how I can make the case to my university that based on psychiatric grounds, I should be allowed to skip, say, every meeting this semester? I’m thinking that my rather mild (and self-diagnosed) social anxiety disorder might be cultivated a little more vigorously, but I the boundaries between mild social anxiety disorder and a generalized misanthropy are pretty thin, so I don’t know how persuasive this angle would actually be.

Alternately, would anyone be willing to fly to Juneau, surprise me in the middle of my next meeting, and beat the shit out of me so I can actually have that traumatic experience I’ll need to become truly phobic? I have plenty of airline miles, and I’ll buy you beer afterwards. I’m quite serious here.