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OLDMAN CAT v. TV

[ 33 ] December 9, 2015 |

(SEK is watching an episode of The Good Wife featuring an investigator who can’t seem to find a babysitter. OLDMAN CAT is asleep at the foot of the bed.)

OLDMAN CAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

SEK: What the fuck is what?

OLDMAN CAT: YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT SHIT

SEK: I heard no shit.

OLDMAN CAT: MOTHERFUCKING DEVILS FROM HELL COME TO EAT US

SEK: I heard no devils from anywhere with any intent.

OLDMAN CAT: YOU SERIOUSLY CAN’T HEAR THAT

SEK: I seriously hear nothing.

OLDMAN CAT: IT’S THE SOUND I MAKE WHEN YOU PUT ME IN THE BLENDER

SEK: I’ve never put you in the blender.

OLDMAN CAT: BUT THE NEXT TIME YOU DO THAT’S WHAT I’LL SOUND LIKE

SEK: Are you talking about the baby?

OLDMAN CAT: WHAT IS BABY

SEK: The little person on the television.

OLDMAN CAT: THEY PREFER “DWARF”

SEK: Now you’re just being a dick. Go back to bed, I’ll mute it the next time the baby’s on screen.

(Five minutes pass)

OLDMAN CAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

SEK: You in a blender, I hear…

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SEK, Sarah Rasher, and Graphic Policy on Jessica Jones: Our mediated lives and the struggle to strip-mine them for meaning

[ 17 ] December 8, 2015 |

“The Jew Kaufman” appeared on an accidentally special all-Jew, Hanukkah episode of Graphic Policy’s “Jonesing for Jessica” podcast with Brett, Elana, and another guest, Sarah Rasher. It was only supposed to last for an hour, but it lasted for…

…sorry, recycling the jokes I made before the show and repeated on-air is bad form. But the conversation — as any conversation about the show will inevitably be — took many a dark turn, with frank discussions of PTSD, misogyny, drug and alcohol addiction, the men’s rights advocates and their idolization of Kilgrave, as well as a few filmic observations about homages to Blowup and Rope in the fourth episode.

Enjoy!

More further adventures of OLDMAN CAT

[ 33 ] December 3, 2015 |

OLDMAN CAT: HOW CLEAN IS THIS WATER

SEK: I just changed it.

OLDMAN CAT: ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10

SEK: It’s a ten.

OLDMAN CAT: IN WHICH 1 IS DIRTY AND 10 IS REALLY FUCKING DIRTY

SEK: I just changed it.

OLDMAN CAT: SO THAT’S A 1

SEK: No, it’s a zero.

OLDMAN CAT: OH YOU MEAN IT’S PRE-DIRTY

SEK: No, I mean it’s clean.

OLDMAN CAT: I DON’T KNOW I’M TESTING IT WITH MY PAW AND IT FEELS PRETTY PRE-DIRTY

SEK: “Pre-dirty” means “clean,” same thing.

OLDMAN CAT: NOW IT FEELS REALLY DIRTY

SEK: Like someone got out of the litter box and stuck his paw in his water bowl?

OLDMAN CAT: EXACTLY NOW FIX IT

The further adventures of OLDMAN CAT

[ 26 ] December 2, 2015 |

OLDMAN CAT: HELP I AM IN THE PANTRY HELP

SEK: What are you doing there?

OLDMAN CAT: BEING TRAPPED HELP

SEK: How did you even get in there?

OLDMAN CAT: YOU WENT TO GET CRACKERS

SEK: And…?

OLDMAN CAT: THAT IS AN INVITATION AMONG MY PEOPLE

SEK: Getting crackers?

OLDMAN CAT: OPENING CLOSED DOORS HELP

SEK: Would you like me to get you out?

OLDMAN CAT: DO YOU LIKE YOUR PAPER TOWELS SOAKED IN URINE

SEK: Fine, fine.

OLDMAN CAT: FYI YOUR PAPER TOWELS WERE LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE

Dear Conservatives, Stop extolling the moral superiority of Nazis, please?

[ 121 ] November 19, 2015 |

I’m a Jew of German descent — if you don’t believe me, just ask my surname — whose family tree would have many more branches if it hadn’t been pruned by the Nazis. Many German Jews sought refuge in the United States as the Nazis came to power, but were denied for exactly the same reasons bandied about Syrians today — they’re likely spies, they’re not really white, they can’t be trusted, etc.

That’s why Anne Frank lived in an attic and died in the camps. (Let’s not even mention the Japanese-Americans. Let’s leave that to George Takei.)

Some have argued that it’s different now — that radical Muslims are unimaginably more horrible beasts than Nazis — but if you believe that, you’re a Nazi who believes that even the most mass-murderous of mass-murdering fucks to ever walk the Earth are somehow morally superior to the current crop of Islamic extremists.

Because I’ve seen that argument made tonight — “We should have let Anne Frank in, because white German spies would’ve just behaved like spies, whereas these brown Muslims are terrorists through and through” — and I’ve witnessed it repeatedly, mouthed by people who don’t realize that they’re extolling the moral superiority of Nazis.

That bears repeating: They’re extolling the moral superiority of Nazis.

So here’s where we stand — if you believe that we shouldn’t allow Syrian refugees fleeing from ISIS into the country because you believe ISIS when it says it’s embedded terrorists in the refugee communities, you and I are done.

Because even if ISIS isn’t lying — which it is, but whatever — you’re doing moral calculus in crayon on the walls outside your racist parents’ bedroom, and it’s unbecoming of a civilized adult society. If the price of humanitarianism is that a few rotten apples spoil a barrel, it doesn’t matter because American democracy is a fucking cargo ship and the other 100,000 barrels matter too.

MOVE THE SUN

[ 29 ] November 6, 2015 |

oldmancat2

OLDMAN CAT: THE SIZE AND LOCATION OF THIS SUNBEAM ARE INADEQUATE

SEK: I can’t move the sun.

OLDMAN CAT: MOVE THE SUN

SEK: Did you not hear what I just said?

OLDMAN CAT: THIS IS NOT UP TO CODE

SEK: I’m sorry.

OLDMAN CAT: WE USED TO HAVE STANDARDS IN THIS HOUSE

SEK: FINE. I’ll come in there and see what I can do.

OLDMAN CAT: THANK YOU

SEK: OK, what’s the problem? That’s plenty big.

OLDMAN CAT: I CAN’T FIT IN ENOUGH

SEK: “Enough”?

OLDMAN CAT: FOR MY SATISFACTION

SEK: It’s twice as big as you.

OLDMAN CAT: WHICH IS FIVE TIMES TOO SMALL

SEK: Why do five of you need to fit in it?

OLDMAN CAT: WHY DO YOU SLEEP ALONE IN A QUEEN SIZED BED

SEK: Don’t you — you know I — God damn it.

OLDMAN CAT: NOW FIX THIS FUCKING SUNBEAM

OLDYEATS CAT

[ 30 ] November 5, 2015 |

OLDMAN CAT: WHEN I AM OLD AND GREY AND FULL OF SLEEP

SEK: You have got to be kidding me.

OLDMAN CAT: AND NODDING BY THE FIRE TAKE DOWN THIS BOOK

SEK: You are not reciting —

OLDMAN CAT: AND SLOWLY READ AND DREAM OF THE SOFT LOOK

SEK: Seriously knock it —

OLDMAN CAT: I WILL ARISE AND GO NOW AND TO INNISFREE

SEK: How do you even —

OLDMAN CAT: AND A SMALL CABIN BUILD THERE WITH CLAY WATTLES MADE

SEK: You should at least —

OLDMAN CAT: NINE BEANS WILL I HAVE THERE AND MANY BEES

SEK: That’s not even —

OLDMAN CAT: AND LIVE ALONE IN BEELAND GLAD

SEK: Now you’re just —

OLDMAN CAT: THAT I HAVE SOME PIECES THERE

SEK: What?

OLDMAN CAT: FOR I HAVE A PURPLE WINGED HUNGER

SEK: That’s not a thing.

OLDMAN CAT: AND AM LAPPING THIS CRICKET BOWL THE SHORE IS DIRTY

SEK: At least you stopped trying to —

OLDMAN CAT: SURELY I AM SOME ROUGH BEAST COME SLOUCHING

SEK: For fuck’s sake…

 

WE ALL DIE ALONE

[ 33 ] November 3, 2015 |

OLDMAN CAT: I AM SO LONELY

SEK: You’re on my lap.

OLDMAN CAT: THE PAIN OF LONELINESS IS TOO MUCH

SEK: Then maybe don’t run off into the kitchen.

OLDMAN CAT: YOU TOLD ME MY FEAR WOULD KEEP ME ALIVE

SEK: There are no Weeping Angels in the bathroom.

OLDMAN CAT: I’M GOING TO DIE AFRAID IN PAIN AND ALONE

SEK: Well then don’t blink.

OLDMAN CAT: WE ALL DIE ALONE

SEK: Stop quoting Donnie Darko.

OLDMAN CAT: BUT I’M GOING TO DIE MORE ALONE

SEK: You can’t be “more” alone.

OLDMAN CAT: I WILL DIE THE MOST ALONE

SEK: If you come back here you’ll have company.

OLDMAN CAT: WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME

SEK: You’re the one who jumped off my lap.

OLDMAN CAT: WILL THIS PAIN NEVER —

SEK: “Will this pain never” what?

OLDMAN CAT:

SEK: I said, “‘Will this pain never’ what?”

OLDMAN CAT:

SEK: What’s going on in there?

OLDMAN CAT: You see that

SEK: See what?

OLDMAN CAT: In the corner you don’t see that

SEK: What’s in the corner and don’t say —

OLDMAN CAT: DEAD PEOPLE

IT IS TIME TO DO THE THING

[ 21 ] November 2, 2015 |

OLDMAN CAT: IT IS TIME TO DO THE THING.

SEK: What thing?

OLDMAN CAT: IT IS TIME.

SEK: I’m getting that.

OLDMAN CAT: TO DO.

SEK: Yes?

OLDMAN CAT: THE THING.

SEK: You’re about to start hopping sideways aren’t you?

OLDMAN CAT: I AM HOPPING SIDEWAYS DO THE THING.

SEK: I’m not sure what —

OLDMAN CAT: DO THE THING IT NEEDS DOING MAKE IT DONE.

SEK: You got into the catnip didn’t you?

OLDMAN CAT: YOU GOT INTO THE CATNIP DIDN’T YOU.

SEK: How much catnip have you had?

OLDMAN CAT: HOW MUCH CATNIP HAVE YOU HAD.

SEK: This isn’t going to get tedious.

OLDMAN CAT: MAKE THE THING DONE.

SEK: What thing?

OLDMAN CAT: MAKE IT DONE NOW I AM SIDEWAYS HOPPING.

SEK: OK.

OLDMAN CAT: I AM SIDEWAYS HOPPING RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ROOM.

SEK: OK.

OLDMAN CAT: I AM SIDEWAYS HOPPING DOWN THE STAIRS.

SEK: OK.

OLDMAN CAT:

SEK: Everything OK down there?

OLDMAN CAT:

SEK: I said, “Is everything OK down there?”

OLDMAN CAT: What.

SEK: You OK? Still want me to do the thing?

OLDMAN CAT: What thing.

SEK: The thing you wanted done.

OLDMAN CAT: No clue what you mean.

SEK: Fine.

[TEN MINUTES LATER]

OLDMAN CAT: IT IS TIME TO DO THE THING…

The continuing adventures of OLDMAN CAT

[ 28 ] October 31, 2015 |

OLDMAN CAT: HALLOWEEN!

SEK: Cats don’t wear costumes.

OLDMAN CAT: Do too.

SEK: That’s not a costume.

OLDMAN CAT: Is too.

SEK: That’s a shrimp shell on your neck.

OLDMAN CAT: CALL US BATTLE PRAWN.

SEK: That’s not a thing.

OLDMAN CAT: BATTLE PRAWN.

SEK: Do I even want to ask about the trash can?

OLDMAN CAT: IT IS DEFEATED.

God damn you, Jonah, for making it so easy

[ 140 ] October 30, 2015 |

Goldberg was ejecting words on the Internet again, I couldn’t not respond.

A WRITER’s life, with CAT

[ 29 ] October 28, 2015 |

OLDMAN CAT: I love you and want to cuddle with your face-hole.

SEK: I love you too but do you smell that?

OLDMAN CAT: Smell what I love you.

SEK: Trash.

OLDMAN CAT: What is “trash” I love you.

SEK: It’s the thing that lives in the bucket downstairs.

OLDMAN CAT: What is “bucket” I love you.

SEK: If I go downstairs what am I going to find?

OLDMAN CAT: Nothing never leave me I love you.

SEK: I’m going to regret going downstairs aren’t I?

OLDMAN CAT: It was already broken I love you.

SEK: What was “already broken”?

OLDMAN CAT: What is “broken” I love you.

SEK: “Broken” is when a thing was once one thing and is now many.

OLDMAN CAT: Look into my purring eyes I love you.

SEK: God damn it.

OLDMAN CAT: Done.

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