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BATTLE STATIONS BATTLE STATIONS NEVER MIND RETREAT RETREAT

[ 19 ] March 8, 2016 |
"Portrait of a Chickenshit as an OLDMAN" by Megan Nowell Photography (2016)

“Portrait of a Chickenshit as an OLDMAN CAT” by Megan Nowell Photography (2016)

OLDMAN VIRGIL: DO YOU HEAR THAT

SEK: Hear what?

OLDMAN VIRGIL: THE SKITTERING

SEK: I do not.

OLDMAN VIRGIL: IT IS COMING FROM THE PORCH

SEK: I’ll investigate. You’re safe, nerds, it’s just a tiny —

OLDMAN MUND: HOLY FUCK IT’S A MOUSE RUN AWAY RUN AWAY

SEK: You did not just say that.

OLDMAN MUND: BATTLE STATIONS BATTLE STATIONS NEVER MIND RETREAT RETREAT

SEK: Are you serious?

OLDMAN MUND: ALL CATS COMMENCE SIDEWAYS HOPPING

OLDMAN VIRGIL: I WOULD BUT I’M TIRED GOOD NIGHT

SEK: What is wrong with you two?

OLDMAN MUND: TO THE HALLWAY IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

SEK: Do you even know what you are?

OLDMAN VIRGIL: NOT ASLEEP YET SHUT UP YOU TWO

OLDMAN MUND: THIS IS IT

SEK: It really isn’t.

OLDMAN MUND: TELL THE OTHER MOMMA I LOVE HER WAIT WHERE DID THE MOUSE GO

SEK: I closed the door.

OLDMAN MUND: SO WHERE IS IT

SEK: Still outside, where it’s always been.

OLDMAN MUND: WELL I SHOWED IT

SEK: Your true colors, you little chickenshit.

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Dinesh D’Souza just tried to refute my beatdown of his new trailer by…

[ 95 ] March 7, 2016 |

referencing, well, a book with which I’m intimately familiar.

Here’s my take on his new trailer — which is far more subtle than the trailer itself, I should add — and here’s my response to his attempt to use Jonah against me.

Seriously, people, don’t make it so easy for me to beat you down, because the Goddamn Batman is in a mood, and well that pretty much sums it up.

WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

[ 36 ] March 7, 2016 |

OLDMAN CAT: WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

SEK: Good question. Why is this table sticky?

OLDMAN CAT: ASKED YOU FIRST

SEK: I’m not the one who made it sticky.

OLDMAN CAT: ME NEITHER ALL I DID WAS

SEK: All you did was what?

OLDMAN CAT: NOTHING

SEK: What did you do?

OLDMAN CAT: FINE I DRANK FROM YOUR WATER BOWL AFTER YOU FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH

SEK: My water bowl? You mean my coffee cup?

OLDMAN CAT: THE ONE THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MY WATER BOWL

SEK: That’s because we just moved and they’re the only damn cups I can find at the moment.

OLDMAN CAT: GOOD WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE

SEK: No, we’re not. I don’t always put water in my water bowl.

OLDMAN CAT: YOU ARE NOT KIDDING

SEK: Why would I kid about that?

OLDMAN CAT: THAT BILGE YOU HAD IN THERE LAST NIGHT PISSED ME OFF

SEK: It was warm ginger ale and vodka.

OLDMAN CAT: IT PISSED ME OFF

SEK: So let me guess, you stuck your paw in it, banged it around, made the splashy noise?

OLDMAN CAT: DAMN RIGHT I DID

SEK: And your original question was?

OLDMAN CAT: WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY

I get mail — and sometimes I even respond to it

[ 19 ] March 4, 2016 |

I have lots of news, much of it of the HUGE variety, but until I’m more settled in, you’ll have to settle for this and a bunch of OLDMAN CAT posts:

HATE-MAILER: You’re no objective journalist the way you treat Trump, you clearly have a dog in this race.

SEK: I’m a cat person.

HATE-MAILER: IT’S AN EXPRESSION

SEK: What’s an expression?

HATE-MAILER: HAVING A DOG IN A RACE

SEK: I told you, I’m a cat person.

HATE-MAILER: DO YOU EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH

SEK: Why, do you want to build a wall to keep cat-people out?

HATE-MAILER: I THINK YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN AND ARE MESSING WITH ME

SEK: You think?

Developing SEK situation…

[ 187 ] February 24, 2016 |

For those of you who don’t follow me on Facebook but have always wanted to get in on the ground of an SEK-level event, my Facebook feed is visible to the public and things are about to get very, very hilarious.

FOLLOW OLDMAN CAT ON FACEBOOK

[ 19 ] January 4, 2016 |

themund

This may be of interest to some of you. I only post the OLDMAN CAT posts that aren’t too self-referential or self-involved here, but 100 percent of all OLDMAN CAT posts will be on his new Facebook page, which in the two days since I put it up have given me new insight as to how Marshall Mathers must feel about “Eminem.”

On another note, a certain artistically talented person who posts here is collaborating with a certain elderly feline on a project. GET EXCITED PEOPLE 2016 IS THE YEAR OF OLDMAN CAT.

Here’s a sample of what you’ve been missing.

Far be it for me to ask you to read something about Donald Trump, however!

[ 15 ] January 1, 2016 |

I’m inordinately proud of what I can accomplish when I have more than 10 minutes to collect my thoughts — or in this case, the Donald’s — and do something like this to them.

Remember when that’s what blogging was like? We are so old, and so broken now.

OLDMAN CAT vs. THE BANGING PLACE

[ 17 ] December 31, 2015 |

(Because it is finally cold in Louisiana, today we allowed the Great Dane I affectionately refer to as THE HORSE hang out in the laundry room with the door closed)

OLDMAN CAT: I DON’T MEAN TO ALARM YOU

SEK: THEN USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE.

OLDMAN CAT: BUT YOU NEED TO BE VERY ALARMED THIS IS VERY ALARMING

SEK: What’s “very alarming”?

OLDMAN CAT: THE ROOM IN WHICH THE BANGING HAPPENS

SEK: Couldn’t think of a better way to put it, could you?

OLDMAN CAT: THERE’S EVEN MORE BANGING IN THERE NOW

SEK: There is?

OLDMAN CAT: ALSO A SMELL

SEK: Clean laundry?

OLDMAN CAT: NO THE OPPOSITE

SEK: Dirty laundry?

OLDMAN CAT: EVEN MORE OPPOSITE

SEK: That’s not how that works, but continue.

OLDMAN CAT: I WILL STAND GUARD

SEK: Thank you.

OLDMAN CAT: I WILL NOT LET YOU BE BANGED

SEK: Phrasing, little man.

OLDMAN CAT: YOU WILL NEVER BE BANGED AGAIN

SEK: This is on purpose now, isn’t it?

OLDMAN CAT: SO LONG AS I LIVE YOU WILL NEVER BE BANGED

SEK: Will you get away from the laundry door already, you little shit?

OLDMAN CAT: REMEMBER MY PROMISE I LOVE YOU BYE

A serious request for an honest discussion about Guy Fieri

[ 163 ] December 28, 2015 |

Couched sarcastically, of course, because I’m still me, but this happened today:

And I’m actually not kidding. I gave Fieri a little bit of snark in a piece I wrote earlier, but I also acknowledged that he’s done more for small businesses than any Republican in recent memory, and received an outpouring of supportive email from Fieri supporters — owners of restaurants only still in business because of him, leaders of motorcycle gangs who plan their summer road trips around Diners, Drive-In, and Dives, etc. — so I contacted his representatives and I’ve got an interview scheduled for after the New Year.

So I’m putting it out there — outside of the branding, about which I already know how you feel, what do you think about the project behind the show? It’s the most popular program, by far, on Food Network — only Chopped approaches it — but its ethos is decidedly in line with ours. (Unless you’re that guy, in which case, this is just another example of lower class privilege, whatever that means.) Point being, set snark aside, admit to your guilty pleasure, and feel free to relay questions about why Guy Fieri pretends to like matzo balls that my bubbie would come to blows over if she heard about that recipe…

…or, you know, other questions. I’ve got that matzo ball one covered, my grandma wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t.

Purchase all the science fiction you need for the next five months…

[ 8 ] December 28, 2015 |

…with the VanderMeer Winter Mix Tape Bundle. Jeff and Ann VanderMeer are the two greatest living curators of science fiction in my humble opinion, and the works they’re including in this bundle are worth whatever you decide to pay for them — which is up to you. They need $300 to meet their goal for the year, and I’m sure we can help them achieve that. Here’s their announcement:
Read more…

IN YOUR FACE

[ 42 ] December 11, 2015 |

themund

OLDMAN CAT: IN YOUR FACE

SEK: Get off my chest, I’m trying to sleep.

OLDMAN CAT: ON YOUR NECK IN YOUR FACE

SEK: Can’t breathe here.

OLDMAN CAT: ON YOUR NECK STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE

SEK: OK, off you go.

OLDMAN CAT: STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE

SEK: Seriously?

OLDMAN CAT: PAWING AT YOUR EYEBALL STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE

SEK: Knock it off.

OLDMAN CAT: HOWLING IN YOUR EAR PAWING AT YOUR EYEBALL STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE

SEK: Is there any food in your bowl?

OLDMAN CAT: NO

SEK: Fine, fine, I’m getting up.

OLDMAN CAT:IN YOUR FACE

OLDMAN CAT IS A PIRATE

[ 41 ] December 10, 2015 |

OLDMAN CAT: I AM A PIRATE

SEK: And what are you pirating?

OLDMAN CAT: I FLY THE JOLLY RANCHER

SEK: I think you mean “Jolly Roger”?

OLDMAN CAT: NO I MEAN JOLLY RANCHER I FLY IT HERE IT COMES

SEK: Where’d you get candy?

OLDMAN CAT: I PIRATED IT

SEK: Where’d you pirate it from?

OLDMAN CAT: A PIRATE NEVER PLUNDERS AND TELLS

SEK: Seriously, where’d you get that candy?

OLDMAN CAT: SERIOUSLY I AM A PIRATE OF HONOR I WILL NOT TELL

SEK: Fine, well give this to me and go pirate a sunbeam or something.

(Three minutes pass)

OLDMAN CAT: I AM A PIRATE I FLY THE JOLLY RANCHER…

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