OLDMAN VIRGIL: DO YOU HEAR THAT
SEK: Hear what?
OLDMAN VIRGIL: THE SKITTERING
SEK: I do not.
OLDMAN VIRGIL: IT IS COMING FROM THE PORCH
SEK: I’ll investigate. You’re safe, nerds, it’s just a tiny —
OLDMAN MUND: HOLY FUCK IT’S A MOUSE RUN AWAY RUN AWAY
SEK: You did not just say that.
OLDMAN MUND: BATTLE STATIONS BATTLE STATIONS NEVER MIND RETREAT RETREAT
SEK: Are you serious?
OLDMAN MUND: ALL CATS COMMENCE SIDEWAYS HOPPING
OLDMAN VIRGIL: I WOULD BUT I’M TIRED GOOD NIGHT
SEK: What is wrong with you two?
OLDMAN MUND: TO THE HALLWAY IF YOU WANT TO LIVE
SEK: Do you even know what you are?
OLDMAN VIRGIL: NOT ASLEEP YET SHUT UP YOU TWO
OLDMAN MUND: THIS IS IT
SEK: It really isn’t.
OLDMAN MUND: TELL THE OTHER MOMMA I LOVE HER WAIT WHERE DID THE MOUSE GO
SEK: I closed the door.
OLDMAN MUND: SO WHERE IS IT
SEK: Still outside, where it’s always been.
OLDMAN MUND: WELL I SHOWED IT
SEK: Your true colors, you little chickenshit.
Author Page for SEK
Here’s my take on his new trailer — which is far more subtle than the trailer itself, I should add — and here’s my response to his attempt to use Jonah against me.
Seriously, people, don’t make it so easy for me to beat you down, because the Goddamn Batman is in a mood, and well that pretty much sums it up.
OLDMAN CAT: WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY
SEK: Good question. Why is this table sticky?
OLDMAN CAT: ASKED YOU FIRST
SEK: I’m not the one who made it sticky.
OLDMAN CAT: ME NEITHER ALL I DID WAS
SEK: All you did was what?
OLDMAN CAT: NOTHING
SEK: What did you do?
OLDMAN CAT: FINE I DRANK FROM YOUR WATER BOWL AFTER YOU FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH
SEK: My water bowl? You mean my coffee cup?
OLDMAN CAT: THE ONE THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE MY WATER BOWL
SEK: That’s because we just moved and they’re the only damn cups I can find at the moment.
OLDMAN CAT: GOOD WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE
SEK: No, we’re not. I don’t always put water in my water bowl.
OLDMAN CAT: YOU ARE NOT KIDDING
SEK: Why would I kid about that?
OLDMAN CAT: THAT BILGE YOU HAD IN THERE LAST NIGHT PISSED ME OFF
SEK: It was warm ginger ale and vodka.
OLDMAN CAT: IT PISSED ME OFF
SEK: So let me guess, you stuck your paw in it, banged it around, made the splashy noise?
OLDMAN CAT: DAMN RIGHT I DID
SEK: And your original question was?
OLDMAN CAT: WHY IS THIS TABLE STICKY
I have lots of news, much of it of the HUGE variety, but until I’m more settled in, you’ll have to settle for this and a bunch of OLDMAN CAT posts:
HATE-MAILER: You’re no objective journalist the way you treat Trump, you clearly have a dog in this race.
SEK: I’m a cat person.
HATE-MAILER: IT’S AN EXPRESSION
SEK: What’s an expression?
HATE-MAILER: HAVING A DOG IN A RACE
SEK: I told you, I’m a cat person.
HATE-MAILER: DO YOU EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH
SEK: Why, do you want to build a wall to keep cat-people out?
HATE-MAILER: I THINK YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN AND ARE MESSING WITH ME
SEK: You think?
This may be of interest to some of you. I only post the OLDMAN CAT posts that aren’t too self-referential or self-involved here, but 100 percent of all OLDMAN CAT posts will be on his new Facebook page, which in the two days since I put it up have given me new insight as to how Marshall Mathers must feel about “Eminem.”
On another note, a certain artistically talented person who posts here is collaborating with a certain elderly feline on a project. GET EXCITED PEOPLE 2016 IS THE YEAR OF OLDMAN CAT.
I’m inordinately proud of what I can accomplish when I have more than 10 minutes to collect my thoughts — or in this case, the Donald’s — and do something like this to them.
Remember when that’s what blogging was like? We are so old, and so broken now.
(Because it is finally cold in Louisiana, today we allowed the Great Dane I affectionately refer to as THE HORSE hang out in the laundry room with the door closed)
OLDMAN CAT: I DON’T MEAN TO ALARM YOU
SEK: THEN USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE.
OLDMAN CAT: BUT YOU NEED TO BE VERY ALARMED THIS IS VERY ALARMING
SEK: What’s “very alarming”?
OLDMAN CAT: THE ROOM IN WHICH THE BANGING HAPPENS
SEK: Couldn’t think of a better way to put it, could you?
OLDMAN CAT: THERE’S EVEN MORE BANGING IN THERE NOW
SEK: There is?
OLDMAN CAT: ALSO A SMELL
SEK: Clean laundry?
OLDMAN CAT: NO THE OPPOSITE
SEK: Dirty laundry?
OLDMAN CAT: EVEN MORE OPPOSITE
SEK: That’s not how that works, but continue.
OLDMAN CAT: I WILL STAND GUARD
SEK: Thank you.
OLDMAN CAT: I WILL NOT LET YOU BE BANGED
SEK: Phrasing, little man.
OLDMAN CAT: YOU WILL NEVER BE BANGED AGAIN
SEK: This is on purpose now, isn’t it?
OLDMAN CAT: SO LONG AS I LIVE YOU WILL NEVER BE BANGED
SEK: Will you get away from the laundry door already, you little shit?
OLDMAN CAT: REMEMBER MY PROMISE I LOVE YOU BYE
Couched sarcastically, of course, because I’m still me, but this happened today:
— Scott Eric Kaufman (@scottekaufman) December 28, 2015
And I’m actually not kidding. I gave Fieri a little bit of snark in a piece I wrote earlier, but I also acknowledged that he’s done more for small businesses than any Republican in recent memory, and received an outpouring of supportive email from Fieri supporters — owners of restaurants only still in business because of him, leaders of motorcycle gangs who plan their summer road trips around Diners, Drive-In, and Dives, etc. — so I contacted his representatives and I’ve got an interview scheduled for after the New Year.
So I’m putting it out there — outside of the branding, about which I already know how you feel, what do you think about the project behind the show? It’s the most popular program, by far, on Food Network — only Chopped approaches it — but its ethos is decidedly in line with ours. (Unless you’re that guy, in which case, this is just another example of lower class privilege, whatever that means.) Point being, set snark aside, admit to your guilty pleasure, and feel free to relay questions about why Guy Fieri pretends to like matzo balls that my bubbie would come to blows over if she heard about that recipe…
…or, you know, other questions. I’ve got that matzo ball one covered, my grandma wouldn’t forgive me if I didn’t.
…with the VanderMeer Winter Mix Tape Bundle. Jeff and Ann VanderMeer are the two greatest living curators of science fiction in my humble opinion, and the works they’re including in this bundle are worth whatever you decide to pay for them — which is up to you. They need $300 to meet their goal for the year, and I’m sure we can help them achieve that. Here’s their announcement:
OLDMAN CAT: IN YOUR FACE
SEK: Get off my chest, I’m trying to sleep.
OLDMAN CAT: ON YOUR NECK IN YOUR FACE
SEK: Can’t breathe here.
OLDMAN CAT: ON YOUR NECK STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE
SEK: OK, off you go.
OLDMAN CAT: STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE
OLDMAN CAT: PAWING AT YOUR EYEBALL STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE
SEK: Knock it off.
OLDMAN CAT: HOWLING IN YOUR EAR PAWING AT YOUR EYEBALL STANDING ON YOUR SHOULDER STEALING YOUR BREATH IN YOUR FACE
SEK: Is there any food in your bowl?
OLDMAN CAT: NO
SEK: Fine, fine, I’m getting up.
OLDMAN CAT:IN YOUR FACE
OLDMAN CAT: I AM A PIRATE
SEK: And what are you pirating?
OLDMAN CAT: I FLY THE JOLLY RANCHER
SEK: I think you mean “Jolly Roger”?
OLDMAN CAT: NO I MEAN JOLLY RANCHER I FLY IT HERE IT COMES
SEK: Where’d you get candy?
OLDMAN CAT: I PIRATED IT
SEK: Where’d you pirate it from?
OLDMAN CAT: A PIRATE NEVER PLUNDERS AND TELLS
SEK: Seriously, where’d you get that candy?
OLDMAN CAT: SERIOUSLY I AM A PIRATE OF HONOR I WILL NOT TELL
SEK: Fine, well give this to me and go pirate a sunbeam or something.
(Three minutes pass)
OLDMAN CAT: I AM A PIRATE I FLY THE JOLLY RANCHER…