Perennially Whiny Maker of Bad Mass-Produced Pizza Whines Again
By 
Above: two people who would be the best quarterback on the current roster of the Denver Broncos
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
But the sense in which Schnatter most truly and inspiringly embodies America’s promise is this: he has become kind of queasily famous and extremely, extremely rich for doing something that he’s not even good at. The man has made untold millions of dollars, and his name is on more than 5,000 pizzerias in 45 countries, and yet the pizzas he sells taste like unusually salty upholstery. Eating a Papa John’s slice is like chomping down on a piece of oil-flavored chewing gum but somehow much worse for your breath. It’s pizza that tastes the way long-distance bus travel feels.
But while Papa John has proven better at making money than he is at making pizza, his true forte is making excuses. On Wednesday, Schnatter blamed a slide in his company’s profits and stock price on its close association with the NFL and commissioner Roger Goodell’s inability or unwillingness to quash the league’s nascent protest movement; Papa John’s became the NFL’s official pizza sponsor in 2010.
“I’m losing money because Roger Goodell isn’t enough of an asshole.” Cool story, bro. Almost as tragic as when your employees were given access to healthcare.