Home / General / Meditations on reading the transcript of Donald John Trump’s meeting with the <i>Washington Post</i>

Meditations on reading the transcript of Donald John Trump’s meeting with the Washington Post

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Donald Trump is that kid who shows up in your basement and wants to play your electric guitar even though he doesn’t know a single chord. He insists that he’s awesome and can totally rock out better than anyone ever, “better than Jimmy Hendrix, even” — and when he says the name you know he’s thinking “Jimmy” and not “Jimi,” because that’s how goddamn dumb he is. But he won’t shut up about your guitar — seriously, he goes on about it for, like, two hours.

Finally, you roll your eyes and placate the mulleted intruder, because he’s eating all your cereal right out of the box with his gross little hands, and you have no idea where they’ve been (but really you do, you just can’t think about it anymore), and you realize it’s only a matter of time before he gets bored and tries to fuck your sister again or your mom or something worse. So you give him the guitar, show him a couple of power chords, and tell him to “take it easy” as you plug him into the amp.

He ignores you, of course, and attacks the guitar like it owes him $20 and a handjob. The breakfast sausages that pass for fingers bend the strings unreasonably, and he’s got that white guy Blues Face going on, and his hair is bobbing like a worn 7-11 mop, and you can’t even look because you’re suddenly embarrassed for the entire human race. Meanwhile, your amp is spitting out black clots of noise that sound like what self-loathing would sound like, or like the audio track to a crush fetish video. You don’t know it yet, but upstairs, your dog is shitting on the kitchen floor.

Trump, the stupid dicknose, actually does a windmill and totally misses the strings, and the pick goes flying across the room, but he’s like, “Nah, fuck it, I meant to do that,” so he drops down to his knees and shoves his fist in the air and screams “Yeah!” like he’s that guy from Metallica and not the absolute worst person in the world at that moment and most moments bracketing either end of that moment. The feedback scrapes the basement walls for another ten seconds or so, and upstairs, another dog turd drops.

Trump stands up as you’re reaching for the bleach bottle, swoops his pig knuckles through his hair, and grunts, “Heh. Fucking awesome, I’ve gotta get one of these,” as you drop the cap and take your first swig.

Salchicha oaxaqueña.png
By Nsaum75 at English Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=10580772
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  • Murc

    … are you all right, Dave?

    You don’t seem all right.

    • Bob Loblaw Lobs Law Bomb

      That seemed oddly specific.

    • davenoon

      Haha… I’m fine!

      Now where’s that photoshopped image of David Brooks with the cigarette?

    • Anna in PDX

      Open the pod bay doors, Murc!

      • That would be an awesome ad for Apple.

        HAL won’t open the pod bay doors, so Dave takes out his i-phone and uses the app to do it. “Dave? What are you doing, Dave?”

        • Lee Rudolph

          +2001.

          Truly, truly brilliant.

          • efgoldman

            Truly, truly brilliant.

            Yes, yes it is. Scroll down to where he says he’s going to Rocky Point.

            ETA: Even though I know, objectively, that Disney now owns the Muppetts, and they sold out not long after Jim Henson died, I was really disappointed to see the Siri commercial with Cookie Monster a few minutes ago.
            Great ad, but it really, really feels wrong.

            • Scroll down to where he says he’s going to Rocky Point.

              JfL, you just wrote a funny blog comment on LGM blog! What are you going to do now?

              I’m going to Rocky Point!

  • Rob in CT

    LOL.

  • jim, some guy in iowa

    you left out the part about him being the son of the town’s biggest name: that guy who started out with a rep for stealing pigs from remote feedlots, who took over his brother in law’s house painting business and with the help of that shady son-of-a-bitch from the next town over somehow parlayed that into owning the trailer park- and from there started building houses one step better than a mobile home- and you know this kid because he got kicked out of parochial school for smarting off to the nuns one too many times and had to come to your school, where he keeps telling everyone his dad owns a Hummer *and* an Escalade

    • Murc

      Iowa is more interesting than I give it credit for, jim.

      • efgoldman

        Iowa is more interesting than I give it credit for, jim.

        There are assholes everywhere. Hell, some of them even represent Jim in the senate and the house.

      • Ahuitzotl

        If thats what you got from that …

    • catclub

      Flem Snopes was a more attractive small town businessman than this guy.

    • CrunchyFrog

      Or maybe he’s the Sheriff’s kid. In dumbshit towns the Sheriff’s kids are usually among the worst behaved.

      BTW, years ago an old high school friend went to our reunion so that I didn’t have to. One thing he reported was that almost all of the borderline criminals in our high school class had become police.

      • patrick II

        In the small city I am from potential police had to pay a $10,000 bribe to a local politician to get nominated. A reverse screening process.

      • jim, some guy in iowa

        since I’m still where I grew up the less said the better but yeah regarding your “BTW”

      • efgoldman

        almost all of the borderline criminals in our high school class had become police.

        Who was the comedian, decades ago, who said all the guys in his neighborhood grew up to be either killers or priests.

    • DrDick

      Small town America perfectly encapsulated. Number one on reasons I love DBT.

  • Davis X. Machina

    An epic epic simile.

    Somewhere the ghost of Homer is going “Yessssss!”

  • mikenmar

    I think he’s more like that spoiled rich kid whose father bought him a Marshall stack and a Les Paul Custom, even though he can’t play a lick. But he acts like he’s hot shit because he has a Les Paul and a Marshall stack, and you have to sit there and listen to him “play” for two hours, butchering Stairway to Heaven while he brags about himself.

    And no fucking way is he gonna let you play it, even after you sit there listening to him for two hours.

    • osceola

      Oh yeah. I definitely knew that guy in college.

      • Eli Rabett

        You went to college with Ted Cruz?

        • Ruviana

          +4.0

        • efgoldman

          You went to college with Ted Cruz?

          Believe me, the music school version of Tailgunner Teddy is even worse.

  • Quicksand

    Meanwhile, your amp is spitting out black clots of noise that sound like what self-loathing would sound like, or like the audio track to a crush fetish video.

    This is a fair characterization of the kind of music I actually LIKE to listen to, so, um …

    • sharculese

      The difference is that the bands you listen to are doing it on purpose and know how to do it right.

    • efgoldman

      This is a fair characterization of the kind of music I actually LIKE to listen to, so, um …

      It is also
      the
      best
      sentence
      on
      the
      toobz
      EVER!!

  • DrPretorius

    Somehow I feel this post is unfair to Dermott Fictel.

  • Hogan

    Between this and the Blackboard post, I’m thinking the Dave Noon novel is going to be eleven kinds of awesome.

    • BigHank53

      It would be, if we could find a keyboard that would last longer than two pages’ worth of Mr. Noon’s rage. The computer lives in an armored steel box, the monitor is behind ten millimeters of bulletproof polycarbonate, but there’s no way around that input device. Dictation doesn’t work. After the second suicide attempt in the secretarial pool, they started demanding hazard pay and then Health & Safety shut it down.

      • Ahuitzotl

        ah, the genesis of Marvin

  • Alex.S

    Is this the thread for posting random snippets of the transcript? Because that seems like “fun”. Or a cure for sanity.

    For example-

    HIATT: This theory of unpredictability, I want to push a little bit, I mean – there are many people who think that North Korea invaded South Korea precisely because Acheson wasn’t clear that we would defend South Korea. So I’m curious, does ambiguity sometimes have dangers?

    TRUMP: Well I’ll give you, I’ll give you an example. President Obama, when he left Iraq, gave a specific date – we’re going to be out. I thought that was a terrible thing to do. And the enemy pulled back, because they don’t want die. Despite what you read, you know, they don’t want to die — and they just pulled back, and after we left, all hell broke out, right? And I’ll give you another example that I think was terrible: when they sent, a few months ago, they sent fifty troops in. You know, fifty elite troops. Now, why do we have to have a news conference to announce that we’re sending fifty troops? So those troops now have targets on their back. And…you shouldn’t do it. We’re so predictable: “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re sending fifty troops into Iraq or Syria. And these are our elite troops. And they’re going to do this and that and that and this.” And those troops now are being hunted. If you didn’t send them, they wouldn’t – if you didn’t say that, they wouldn’t know. I mean, there are times when you just can’t be… You talk too much. We talk too much. I guess they thought that was good politically, to say we’re sending fifty troops? I don’t think it was good.

    It’s noticeable in the interview that whenever Trump is asked a foreign policy question, he pivots to a completely different answer.

    On foreign policy, he bounces from NATO to China to Iraq, with the only consistency being that he doesn’t answer the question being asked.

    • CaptainBringdown

      It’s noticeable in the interview that whenever Trump is asked a foreign policy question, he pivots to a completely different answer.

      RYAN: You [MUFFLED] mentioned a few minutes earlier here that you would knock ISIS. You’ve mentioned it many times. You’ve also mentioned the risk of putting American troop in a danger area. If you could substantially reduce the risk of harm to ground troops, would you use a battlefield nuclear weapon to take out ISIS?

      TRUMP: I don’t want to use, I don’t want to start the process of nuclear. Remember the one thing that everybody has said, I’m a counterpuncher. Rubio hit me. Bush hit me. When I said low energy, he’s a low-energy individual, he hit me first. I spent, by the way he spent 18 million dollars’ worth of negative ads on me. That’s putting [MUFFLED]…

      RYAN: This is about ISIS. You would not use a tactical nuclear weapon against ISIS?

      [CROSSTALK]

      TRUMP: I’ll tell you one thing, this is a very good looking group of people here. Could I just go around so I know who the hell I’m talking to?

      • Dateline March 23, 2018. Ukraine discussion

        PUTIN: Donald, I couldn’t help noticing your hands. it’s true what they say about them, you have short stubby fingers ha ha.

        PRES TRUMP: You take that back Vlad, apologize now or I will order a tactical nuclear strike on Mos… hey who is that fine young woman? Very classy.

        PUTIN: You like? Her name is Natasha. She was Miss. Volgograd 2013.

        TRUMP: Fantastic. Did you know I used to own the Miss. Universe Pageant?

        (and scene)

  • Monty

    Damn I miss Mullets Galore.

  • Woodrowfan

    Daaaaammmnnnnnnnn

  • Mike in DC

    Jimi had big hands. Just the best,most outstanding hands. Not tiny hands with cocktail weenies for fingers. Sad!

    • Captain Splendid

      Funny you should mention it, but I had a guitarist friend mention that Jimi indeed did have big hands and it was one of the reasons he could do what he did, having all that extra reach.

  • Ruviana

    Noon!

    • Ahuitzotl

      Rabbit!

  • Barry Freed

    This post is 100 kinds of awesome.

    And here’s some of those kids for you.

  • wengler

    A davenoon sighting. By far the highest quality to post ratio on this blog.

  • furikawari

    the absolute worst person in the world at that moment and most moments bracketing either end of that moment

    [slow clap]

    • JustRuss

      Indeed. I enjoyed the whole rant, but that bit was special.

  • twbb

    We already have the perfect depiction of Trump, on a TV show that has its own blog post series on LGM. Trump is, more than anything, Dermott from Venture Bros.

  • This was wonderful. Now I don’t have to read the interview.

  • The Temporary Name

    That was terrific.

  • Snuff curry

    Is this a George Saunders story?

  • Yes, Jimi had huge hands. Watching him on video, I am struck by how casual his playing looks, while in fact it is perfect.

    Now I gotta go play my guitar. Gardening will have to wait.

  • MacK

    So basically he’s a dickish kid (usually the offspring of a dickish parent) that your parents directed you to be nice to because…….

    And his dickishness challenges the parental directive at every opportunity…

    And then your mother tells you that it’s not the dicky kid’s fault “how could he be any different,” between arranging a trip to the dentist to get the damage from clenching her teeth fixed, and your father complains that she made him put up with them…..

  • Malaclypse

    This is why there needs to be more noon posts.

    • jim, some guy in iowa

      yeah, I feel kind of bummed that I only get these very occasional flashes of lightning that you longer-term people got on a regular basis

  • Man, I haven’t heard “dicknose” in a good quarter century.

    And just the other day, someone wrote “Fuckin’ A!” in a thread. I’m all ready to go to Rocky Point!

    • efgoldman

      I’m all ready to go to Rocky Point!

      It’s a long drive from Lowell. You’ll go right by my house. Give a surly wave on the way by.

      • Look, kids, that must be e.f.!

        Everyone give a curt nod.

      • Ahuitzotl

        you need some surf?

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