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The Rubiobot Is No Poet And They Don’t Know It

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robio

In light of the latest malfunction of the Rubiobot, some desperate hacks have come up with the idea that the Rubiobot is in fact engaged in a subtle literary technique. This is laughable on its face — the fact that he catches himself during the second “throat” should probably be the tipoff that this wasn’t a deliberate stylistic choice — but nothing is too laughable to make its way to a favorite Republican puke funnel:

He’s a poet like Shelley or Byron!

Dan McLaughlin provides the more hilarious version:

Yes, MLK repeating the same five-word phrase followed by different content each time for effect is exactly like Rubio repeating the same dumb 25-second point three times while being mocked by his debate opponent for robotically repeating his talking points, or for repeating the same talking point during a speech and recognizing your mistake halfway through. Rubio is truly an oratorical and literary genius:

That is not anaphora, because it is not the repetition of the first part of the sentence. This important difference explains why Dickens did not write, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” and why Churchill did not say, “We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, and we shall fight in … France.”

Nor is it part of some poetic device that makes sense if you watch the context of the speech, which I did, and which is just Rubio cycling through his standard stump lines rather than repeating them for some kind of literary effect.

And this is why Rubio visibly hesitates when he is about to say “throats” for the second time. It is the horrified panic of a candidate who realizes he has just done the one thing he desperately needs at this moment not to do.

It will be very meta to see desperate Republicans defend Rubio’s robotic reptition of dumb talking points with the robotic repetition of an even dumber talking point.

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  • howard

    i am especially looking forward to all the right-wingers who never previously heard of the word “anaphora” posing as experts on rhetorical devices….

    • Snarki, child of Loki

      To quote a noted rightwinger: SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!

      • N__B

        I’m going to beat Hogan to the punch with:

        “Shut up,” he explained.

        • Roger Ailes

          “Shutters shut and open so do queens. Shutters shut and shutters and so shutters shut and shutters and so and so shutters and so shutters shut and so shutters shut and shutters and so. And so shutters shut and so and also. And also and so and so and also.” – G. Stein

          • Hogan

            A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal–-Panama!

    • wca

      the word “anaphora”

      They probably think you can watch videos of anaphora when you go to those websites. The ones that require you to be over 18.

      • PohranicniStraze

        Eh, anaphora is ok, but if you want the really hardcore stuff, look for her sister anaphylaxis.

        • mds

          I’m shocked.

        • The Dark God of Time

          And watch out for their mother, Anacephlia.

    • Joshua

      Do right wingers like Rubio? I see no evidence. The only ones I see pushing him are old people who still like to pretend their party is still full of great ideas and energy (as opposed to old people who hate whatever Fox News tells them to hate – those people don’t like Rubio).

      I think he’s done. If I am right this will go alongside the Dean Scream, except it’s probably worse because that came when he was shown to be a bit of a paper tiger while this was happening while Rubio was thought to be surging.

      • Sly

        Rubio arguably comes closest to the Grover Norquist Ideal among the Republican monied set. Other than that, I imagine that there’s a shared cynical calculus among elite Republicans that Rubio is their best chance not to lose the Latino vote by double digits.

        • Warren Terra

          I don’t understand this notion that Rubio is some magic bullet for the Latino vote. Since when do Americans of Mexican Central American descent so strongly identify with Cuban-Americans? There’s Rubio’s role in promoting immigration reform, but then there’s also his role in torpedoing it.

          • L2P

            Imagine you’re a rich white person who (1) doesn’t even KNOW anybody who’s ancestors weren’t on the Mayflower and (2) is absolutely convinced that if only people weren’t being bribed by government handouts, they’d see the obvious awesomeness of the Republican platform.

            I know a lot of these sorts of people. They think that so long as they have the right hispanic last name, they’ll get past this irrational hatred of Republicans. They don’t understand, or care to understand, why anybody might disagree.

            • efgoldman

              Imagine you’re a rich white person who (1) doesn’t even KNOW anybody who’s ancestors weren’t on the Mayflower

              But they absolutely DO know Hispanics. Lots of them. The ones that cut their grass, do their gardening, replace their roofs, pressure wash their houses, clean their gutters……

              • Ahuitzotl

                yes and imagine what replies they get when they ask them poliical questions, midjob

            • rea

              They think that so long as they have the right hispanic last name

              Marco Blondie?

          • Sly

            I said it was cynical, not that it was smart. There is no magic bullet for the Latino vote, and the closest thing we seem to have to one is “Don’t run as a Republican.”

            It’s a similar argument to “nominating Ben Carson will undermine black support for Democrats;” it requires the word “undermine” to do a massive amount of heavy lifting.

          • q-tip

            I will say that we were able to get a classroom full of Chicano teenagers to applaud Rubio by playing the debate exchange described here. Edit: view Rubio’s speech here: http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/424149/rubio-id-rather-spanish-speakers-hear-me-convey-capitalist-ideals-directly-not-through

            He can talk about the Latino immigrant experience in a semi-first-person way. That’s not nothing.

            But our students might be the exception that proves the rule: underage, incarcerated, and pretty uninformed about politics*. (Got about a 50% hit rate when we asked them to guess which party Obama belonged to.)

            My Chicana co-teachers weren’t buying Rubio’s bullshit for a second, but we all admired his speechcraft in this exchange.

            * All our students can, to a man, identify Trump, if not his party, and despise him deeply. He does have lots of fans among the white students, sadly.

          • twbb

            I thought Rubio was just the least crazy non-Jeb option. For all the talk of the establishment’s choices, they are actually constrained by who voters look like they’re willing to vote for. Which is why otherwise-rationally-seeming choices like Jeb or Kasich or Huntsman back in 2012 fizzle out.

        • Joshua

          Then Elite Republicans are dumb. Latinos are a huge group of people representing dozens of countries and cultures. I come from a Puerto Rican family and trust me, nobody is knocking down the door to vote for Marco Rubio because he’s Latino.

          • efgoldman

            nobody is knocking down the door to vote for Marco Rubio because he’s Latino.

            His mommy-bot?

        • Jay B

          I think that any Republican loses the Latino vote by double digits. I’d be surprised if it was within 20 points. And it’ll most likely be far more.

    • DAS

      Even worse: some of those right-wingers ” who never previously heard of the word ‘anaphora'”, will be Victor Davis Hansen fans and complain about liberals’ being insufficiently supportive or even aware of what constitutes a proper classical education, and generally complain about kids today who don’t know anything about anything … “many of them haven’t even read the Iliad or Odyssey” “have you read the Iliad or Odyssey?” “um … well … kids today, amirite?”

      • Scott Lemieux

        I assume Roger Kimball already has a column defending Rubio’s beautiful poetry, complete with references to Robert Mapplethorpe and Piss Christ, in the hopper.

      • tsam

        Bro, do you even classics?

      • Tyto

        Is this right before or right after another rant about the uselessness of classics in contemporary education?

      • Lurker

        If they really valued classical standards of education, no one would be considered educated unless they knew the Iliad and the Odyssey by heart in Greek. That was the gold standard of education in Ancient Rome. (There was very little else contained in that standard. It was a true core issues curriculum.)

  • Roger Ailes

    I’ve read Dylan Byers before, so I understand the concept of anus horribilis [not sic].

    • sharculese

      There is no fucking way he had ever heard the term anaphora before today. It’s Dylan Byers, the dumbest man in a city that counts Ross Douthat as a resident.

      • N__B

        Anaphora is part of the start countdown in Mariokart, right? It comes after anathreea.

        • Honoré De Ballsack

          Anaphora is part of the start countdown in Mariokart, right? It comes after anathreea.

          Ha ha. But we all know that an anaphora was really a kind of large clay jar used by the ancient Greeks and Romans to store olive oil. Which explains the device’s use by slick politicians.

          • tsam

            No, she’s the ghost lady who haunts gardens. Used to be anaflora

          • Shards of broken anaphora provided the ostraca which voters marked when they were voting on whom to ostracise from the city.

            • wjts

              Is ostracism where you bury someone up to their neck in sand head-first?

              • mds

                If only.

          • efgoldman

            It’s a pipe tobacco.

            • CJColucci

              I used to smoke that when I smoked, which was 40 years ago.

        • Warren Terra

          I thought it was for musical introductions, by bands that eschew the standard three count by a significant margin: ana one, ana two, ana three, ana four, ana five

          • Hogan

            Pioneered by Dave Brubeck, I believe.

            • efgoldman

              Pioneered by Dave Brubeck, I believe.

              Tchaikovsky

      • Manny Kant

        Douthat is odious, but has never struck me as stupid.

        • tsam

          Stupid is like a box of chocolates.

          • John Revolta

            Crazy like a box?

            • tsam

              Boxes be crazy

  • N__B

    Have people really never read Walt Whitman before?

    I got as far as “The sun shines on the Brooklyn docks and I am erect” and then I switched to another author.

  • NonyNony

    The idea that Rubio is such a masterful politician that he is constructing Whitman-style poetry is just so hilarious. I kind of wish that Rubio’s mouth-farts were poetic.

    The comparison to MLK, OTOH, is just offensive. Offensive in general, offensive to the memory of Dr. King, and offensive to the intelligence of anyone who reads it.

    • Captain Oblivious

      I have often wondered–

      (1) Are they so stupid that they believe these types of bullshit arguments?

      (2) Do they know it’s bullshit but they think everyone else is stupid enough to believe it?

      (3) Do they know it’s bullshit, but they think liberals are stupid enough to believe it, while conservatives will laugh at how stupid we are?

      (4) Do they know it’s bullshit, but they know other conservatives are stupid enough to fall for it, and they don’t care what liberals think as long as the clicks keep coming in?

      • yet_another_lawyer

        I think the idea is just to create enough of a ‘debate’ within the media that, should Rubio become the nominee, this is (a) old news and (b) disputed anyway. We all know about the Rubiobot meme, but the average general election voter doesn’t or will have forgotten in nine months, so there’s still plenty of time to redefine him. If Rubio’s not the nominee, then everybody can just forget the whole thing.

      • Steven desJardins

        I think they don’t know the difference between bullshit and any other form of argument. They’re never convinced by anything their opponents say, and they always cheer on the arguments of their allies, so as long as a sentence is roughly argument-shaped and seems to support their position, they figure it’s as good as any other sentence that’s roughly argument-shaped and seems to support their position. Belief never enters into the calculation.

        • Dilan Esper

          I don’t think many people in a partisan political argument even care that they are bullshitting.

          I mean, there are versions of this on the left too. During the Clinton impeachment, the real argument (a good one) was “this about sex, it doesn’t matter”.

          But a ton of people (most of whom had never been involved in a perjury case) made a bunch of claims that Clinton really never lied under oath and / or that the lies were not material to the Paula Jones case.

          Those claims were BS. They were just something to say in response to legalistic points being made on the other side.

          • ajp

            This is another odd hobbyhorse of yours that you like to shoehorn into unrelated discussions. The idea that, say, Ronald Dworkin isn’t qualified to opine because he’s not an “expert on perjury” was just a bizarre claim.

            or that the lies were not material to the Paula Jones case.

            This is just silly-this isn’t a b.s. claim. This is a legally responsive argument to the so-called “legalistic points being made on the other side.” The lies have to be material to constitute perjury. If one is arguing that a statement constitutes perjury, responding that they were not material is a perfectly cromulent legal argument.

            The idea that perjury is so arcane that only nonexistent perjury scholars* are qualified to opine to in defense of Clinton is just deliriously odd.

            *I am aware that there is scholarship on perjury. But let’s not pretend that this is quantum physics or that perjury is so mystical that Dworkin shouldn’t be taken seriously on the subject.

          • q-tip

            I don’t think many people in a partisan political argument even care that they are bullshitting.

            Bullshitters, by definition, don’t care that they’re bullshitting, is what Dr. Frankfurt told me.

      • NonyNony

        You’re looking for logical argument where it’s not intended. They’re practicing from the school of “throw it all at the wall and see what sticks”. If it sounds like people are buying it they’ll keep going, if it falls flat no worries – they have a whole bag of bullshit to throw and they’ll just try something else.

        None of these folks ever face any kind of penalty for saying something stupid other than maybe a day’s worth of mockery by folks who would never be their friends anyway, so it isn’t like there’s any disincentive from looking like a fool for a few hours if there’s a chance that they can actually throw something out there that sticks even once.

      • Robert M.

        I really think it’s tribal signaling. The point isn’t that anyone actually believes it, it’s that everyone else witnesses you saying it.

        Remember, this is a movement that increasingly identifies its members by purity of conviction. Accordingly, when someone else is criticized for saying something stupid, the only available response is “no, it wasn’t stupid, and here’s why.” Actually acknowledging that Rubio screwed up would make you a RINO.

      • catclub

        Are they so stupid that they believe these types of bullshit arguments?

        I have asked the same question about Rubio’s (repeated) statement that Obama is carefully destroying the US.

        By Obamacare – getting somewhat affordable health insurance to more citizens.

        By withdrawing troops from Iraq and Afghanistan.

        By getting rid of Iran’s Nuclear capabilities without bombing.

        Do they believe these are the means of destroying the US?
        Do they pretend to believe to go along with the tribe?
        Is it all the other bad things that they cannot even mention, which are the real problem?

        Is it Jade Helm?

      • Incontinentia Buttocks

        Not in anyway to let them off the hook for their stupidity, bullshit, and rampantly bad-faith arguments, but there is an extent to which, during campaign season, some people from across the political spectrum are willing to say whatever it takes to defend the candidate(s) that they support. And in the case of Rubio and the other candidates in this year’s GOP clown car, it just happens to take an awful lot of bullshit.

        • brewmn

          I was going to make this point, too. But in our case, when we defend a candidate’s gaffe, we generally do a little bit of acknowledgement that it was, in fact, a gaffe. We don’t immediately go all “Nuh-Uh!” or “Yeah, well, Shakespeare said stupid stuff too, ya know!”

        • But isn’t Byers supposed to be a neutral journalist? I mean, I know he’s about as neutral as Ron Fournier, but Fournier’s not supposed to be a foot soldier for a particular candidate either.

      • Manny Kant

        Byers isn’t even specifically conservative, is he? Isn’t he just a Politico hack?

      • efgoldman

        1) Yes
        2) No
        3) No
        4) No

        There is no limit to the depth of stupidity to which the RWNJs can sink. It’s like peak wingnut. It will never be reached.

    • Snarki, child of Loki

      There is a young grifter named Marco,
      with a bro-in-law nabbed by a narco,

    • GeoX

      I think you left out one possibility: sure, they know it’s bullshit, and they know perfectly well that liberals know this and know they know it, but they say it anyway because they want to demonstrate what utter contempt they hold us in. This seems highly plausible to me.

  • BGinCHI

    Reminds me of Bob Seger’s first attempt at writing “Old Time Rock ‘n Roll.”

    • Scott Lemieux

      That sketch just got a lot funnier.

    • Jackov

      He is a little too dull
      Could use a few more nouns
      Tight throat, frantic drinking, lol
      and now talking points renown

  • AMK

    For the “anaphora” to work, the grammar has to make sense. You either “dispense with the notion” or “dispel the notion.” You don’t “dispel with the notion” and then deliberately repeat the same mistake 5 times in 2 minutes.

    • rm

      Yes.

      And is “dog whistle” a rhetorical trope? I think it is. It’s the one Rubio was actually attempting to use . . . badly.

    • Incontinentia Buttocks

      “Dispel…with” is clearly a sign that Rubio rejects crude prescriptivist understandings of grammar. It’s a living language, people! The Roobster’s just celebrating it! [/wingnut excuse-making]

      • Morbo

        I would love to see someone make that excuse, given how fond the wingnuts are of, say, AAVE.

      • q-tip

        Mister
        we could use a man
        like Bill
        Sa-fire
        a-gaaiiinn …..

    • tsam

      You either “dispense with the notion” or “dispel the notion.” You don’t “dispel with the notion” and then deliberately repeat the same mistake 5 times in 2 minutes.

      This is the height of liberal fascism. ARE WE NOT UNFREE??

  • LifeOntheFallLine

    I’ve never seen a talking point dressed up as leitmotif before so at least something new came out of this whole affair.

    What a time to be alive.

  • Yes, and Peter disowned Christ three times!

    Hang on. I haven’t quite got the hang of this…

  • Shouldn’t the title to this be The Rubio-ot? If he’s going to be seen as a poet, I mean.

    • witlesschum

      Khayyam on, Aimai.

      • so-in-so

        Too middle-eastern. It won’t fly with the base.

        “The moving video speaks; and having spake, rolls on: …”

        • Lurker

          You know, I amnot a native English speaker and “having spake” sounds wrong in my ears. Isn’t it obvious that “spake” is a past form of “to speak”? It is definitely not the perfect form, so it can’t go with “having”?~.

          Then, I’ve studied also Swedish and German, and learned their irregular verbs, which are surprisingly similar to English ones, so that may help.

          • Hogan

            Fitzgerald translates one line of the Rubaiyat as “The Moving Finger writes, and having writ moves on.” Like so-in-so, he sacrificed grammar to scansion.

            • Lee Rudolph

              The OED has examples of “spake” as past participle dated from c. 1500 to 1632 (and one in Scots, spelled “spak'”, dated 1812).

    • FlipYrWhig

      A loaf of bread, a jug of wine water, and thou.

      • calling all toasters

        If you want to have bread and water with Rubio it will be more like a hundred thou.

      • Manny Kant

        I.
        A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
        A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread–and Thou
        Beside me singing in the Wilderness–
        Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow!

        II.
        A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
        A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread–and Thou
        Beside me singing in the Wilderness–
        Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow!

        III.
        A Book of Verses underneath the Bough,
        A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread–and Thou
        Beside me singing in the Wilderness–
        Oh, Wilderness were Paradise enow!

        • Hogan

          The Moving Finger writes; and having writ, writes; and having writ, writes; and having writ, writes; and . . .

          • SFAW

            The record’s skipped … the record’s skipped … the record’s skipped

    • NonyNony

      Ow.

      That took me a minute, but, ow. That pun hurt me in my brain.

    • Roberta

      That’s beautiful.

    • Robert M.

      (applause)

    • calling all toasters

      The Rubio-ot of Norman Braman?

    • Vance Maverick

      That would have been the wreck of the Edward Fitzgerald.

  • witlesschum

    I am made of the stuff that is course
    I am made of the stuff that is fine
    I really need a drink of water right now

    It’s something like that, right?

  • calling all toasters

    I’m pretty sure it was a joke, and a damn good one.

  • bexley

    Dr Susan Calvin is an expert in the 3 Flaws of Rubotics. It’s time for the Republican donor class to fork out for her to repair Marco.

  • Warren Terra

    I wandered lonely as a cloud
    That floats on high o’er vales and hills,
    When all at once I saw a crowd,
    A host, of gormless dittoheads;
    Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
    Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
    Stuttering and twisting in the breeze.

  • Malaclypse

    “Just the place for a Snark!” the Bellman cried,
    As he landed his crew with care;
    Supporting each man on the top of the tide
    By a finger entwined in his hair.

    “Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
    That alone should encourage the crew.
    Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
    What I tell you three times is true.”

    • sparks

      But I have a Snark on the head of my bass. Is that not where it’s supposed to be?

  • Joe_JP

    Just saw someone wondering how far in the gutter Trump will go, citing him calling Cruz a “pussy.” Huh. But, the Bible talks about cocks in the gospels, so what is the problem with reference to body parts? Isn’t there a reference to pussy in Two Corinthians?

    Anyway, the people who don’t understand that poetic device seem to include the idiot who cited it.

  • calling all toasters

    The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
    But I have promises to keep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    ++poem timed out++

    • rjayp

      shouldn’t that read: And miles to go before I beep?

  • sharculese

    And this is why Rubio visibly hesitates when he is about to say “throats” for the second time. It is the horrified panic of a candidate who realizes he has just done the one thing he desperately needs at this moment not to do.

    This is really the clincher. If we didn’t have the video evidence, it might be possible to argue that Rubio was doing something intentionally. But that pause is not subtle. It’s obvious that he knows he’s just fucked up.

    • Scott Lemieux

      Yes, although really even just reading the transcript it’s pretty obvious that randomly repeating one line in your standard stump speech isn’t being done for rhetorical effect.

  • ASV

    This reminds me of Rubio’s favorite limerick:

    I once knew a man from Miami
    I once knew a man from Miami
    I once knew a man from Miami
    I once knew a man from Miami

    • Warren Terra

      Pretty sure Trump’s favorite involves Nantucket.

  • Warren Terra

    The story of the creation appears twice in Genesis (with some differences) – that is, in the revealed word of God. The Rubiot is just trying to prove he was created in God’s image.

  • bobbo1

    Also too, Sarah Palin invented new words – just like Shakespeare!!

  • keta

    Out of the cradle endlessly talking,
    Out of the mocking press taunts, abortifacient shuffle,
    Out of the primary-time midnight,
    Cram, cram at the gorging of the throat.

    Would I, could I on the stump?
    Would I, could I over Trump?
    Wood eye, could aye police blotter?
    Would I, could I, have your water?
    Cram, cram at the dying of the right.

  • Crusty

    I’m pretty sure that Rubio thinks Walt Whitman was the dude cooking meth on Breaking Bad.

    • NonyNony

      The guy who invented the box of assorted chocolates.

      • joe from Lowell

        You put those two guys together and you’ll have a hell of a weekend.

  • Mike in DC

    10 Barack Obama
    20 knows what he’s doing
    30 Goto 10

    • apogean

      There are many legitimate disputes between fans of different programming languages but old-school BASIC is objectively the best for jokes

      • The Temporary Name
        • wjts

          Barely related, but I’ve long been convinced that programming language used by The Computer in Paranoia is INTERCAL.

          • Bill Murray

            Mario is very much a Red-level Paranoia character. Frankly the whole Republican primary has the whiff of a dysfunctional Troubleshooter team. Plus, at the convention, the winner can speak without fear of contradiction

            • wjts

              Although I must say I’ve never been part of a functional Troubleshooter team, your comment is the most cogent assessment of the current GOP field I’ve yet seen.

      • NonyNony

        GOTO considered harmful, except when a punchline is needed.

      • Casey

        no love for Rubio on Rails?

        class Rubiobot < InactiveRecord::PanderToTheBase
        end

    • tsam

      TORCHING THE CPU!

  • dmsilev

    I think we’re looking at this all wrong. Rubio is attempting to go all hipster on us, which of course starts by bringing back vinyl. His needle is skipping, that’s all.

    • efgoldman

      Rubio is attempting to go all hipster on us, which of course starts by bringing back vinyl. His needle is skipping, that’s all.

      CDs get stuck/skip too. As I found out to my chagrin went I went outside for a walk while playing a Mahler symphony on the air.

  • Warren Terra

    It’s all a typo. They’re concerned Trump has a corner on the angry White man vote, so they’re indignantly appealing to the angry Whitman vote.

  • Crusty

    Marco Rubio
    Establishment candidate
    He would like to be

    Barack Obama
    He knows what he is doing
    Can’t run anymore

    Governor Christie
    Mocks the boy in the bubble
    Fears diabetes

    Floridian Bush
    He has such low energy
    Moron for brother

    Bernie from Brooklyn
    Income inequality
    Socialist so what

    Who is John Kasich
    Governor of Ohio
    More extreme than seems

    Cruz won Iowa
    Now its on to New Hampshire
    Punch him in the face

    • The Temporary Name

      The name here would be
      Carly Fiorina but
      It’s too long to fit.

  • Crusty

    Dispel the notion
    Barack knows not what he does
    Repeat as needed

  • Mike in DC

    This is just to say
    that I have eaten the talking points
    That you were probably saving for a substantive policy speech.
    Forgive me. They were so fresh and so deliciously easy to memorize.

    • dn

      So much depends
      on a third-rate candidate
      glazed with flop sweat
      beside the water bottle

  • D.N. Nation

    Also, “I have a dream” and all its rhetorical flourishes is just a wee bit better than the usual Internet Commenter Moron “ramming down our throats” line.

  • wjts

    Stumbling and stumbling in the narrowing field
    Rubio cannot hear his handler;
    Phrases repeat; the stump speech cannot hold;
    Memes anarchically are loosed upon the world,
    The Trump-led tide is… loosed, and everywhere
    Memes anarchically are loosed upon the world;
    The worst lack all donations, while… the worst
    Are loosed upon the world.

    Surely some election is at hand;
    Surely the New Candidate is… at hand.
    The New Candidate! Hardly are those words out
    When a vast image, kin to Spiritus Romneii,
    Is loosed upon the world: there, in diners of New Hampshire
    A shape with khaki’d limbs and a head full of air,
    A gaze blank and witless as a deer,
    Is moving its dry lips, while all about it
    Reel shadows of the incredulous voters.
    The polling begins again, and now I know
    That 20 more primaries and caucuses
    Will be loosed upon the world.
    And what rare boob, its sound bites stuck on repeat,
    Lurches towards Carolina to be born?

    -“The New Candidate”, W.J.T.S.B. Yeats

    • mds

      I would like to slouch towards Bethlehem with this comment.

    • Malaclypse

      /slow, respectful clap

    • Scott Lemieux

      This is even better than “The Love Song of J. Edgar Goldstein.”

  • sibusisodan

    This thread is full of win.

    • efgoldman

      This thread is full of win.

      I think it has finally topped SEK’s “You’re the goddamned Batman!”

  • furikawari

    Marco Rubio’s
    defunct
    who used to speak
    with watersmooth-silvered
    tongue
    and reel onetwothreefourfive talkingpointsjustlikethat
    Conservative Jesus

    he was a handsome man
    and what i want to know is
    how do you like your reformicon
    mr koch

    • randy khan

      Okay. This is the best one.

      • Turkle

        +1

  • CP

    In light of the latest malfunction of the Rubiobot, some desperate hacks have come up with the idea that the Rubiobot is in fact engaged in a subtle literary technique. This is laughable on its face — the fact that he catches himself during the second “throat” should probably be the tipoff that this wasn’t a deliberate stylistic choice — but nothing is too laughable to make its way to a favorite Republican puke funnel:

    I remain endlessly fascinated by the conservative need to react to every gaffe by one of their candidates by claiming that no, no, he/she was REALLY trying to say something deeply profound and totally true, it just went over our heads because they’re SO smart! They did it with Palin, they did it with Bush, I was a toddler then but I can only assume they did it with Quayle. When Rick Perry said he wanted to abolish three government departments but could only remember two, I half-expected them to start claiming that three IS two, because [insert esoteric branch of mathematics that may or may not exist here].

    I mean, fucking hell. Every politician’s going to have his brain-fart moments, and some people are just more inarticulate than others. Have a laugh and move on. “I meant to do that!” isn’t going to fool anyone in kindergarten, let alone this.

    • Joshua

      And at the same time, they’re still using Obama’s 57 states gaffe as evidence he is a stupid idiot.

    • twbb

      I seem to remember with Quayle they just emphasized how healthy Bush Sr. was and what a long life he would have. Which, in retrospect, seems to have been correct, though not the most shining way of dealing with a problematic VP candidate.

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  • alex284

    At least he didn’t use a TELEPROMPTER! Amirite! Haw haw haw!

    • efgoldman

      At least he didn’t use a TELEPROMPTER! Amirite! Haw haw haw!

      I think they’re not allowed in the “debates.”
      In the general election debates, though, look for a lump under the Republiklown’s jacket, and a little teeny bud in his ear.

    • q-tip

      Haw de-haw haw

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