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Cream Pies

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So as I am in DC, I managed to spend part of the evening in the company of truly evil people, i.e. Republican congressmen and staffers at a reception that someone suggest I attend, probably as a comedic social experiment. For many reasons I will not go into detail except to say that I was a fish out of waters that support terrible lives for Americans. Also there was 1 minority in a room of at least 150 people, not counting the servants who of course were almost all black. Welcome to the Beltway. Anyway, this seems appropriate this evening:

So it is with unrestrained glee that we share the news of the recovery of a long-missing portion of the greatest pie-throwing fight ever recorded, far superior to the pastry melee of “In the Sweet Pie and Pie,” a 1941 Three Stooges short, or the baked-goods battle in “The Great Race,” a 1965 comedy with Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon.

That, of course, would be the epic custard conflagration in “The Battle of the Century,” a 1927 Laurel and Hardy short that dispensed with 3,000 pies, thrown not with abandon but with slow-burn precision, heightening the comedic effect.

For several decades, the 20-minute, two-reel classic has been missing its second reel, which provided most of the logic for why dozens of people were pelting one another with pastries. Film historians have puttied the gaps in “Battle” with explanatory title cards, but these could never replicate Laurel’s look of thought-free innocence, Hardy’s frown of eternal exasperation.

More pie throwing in DC would raise the intellectual discourse of the city significantly.

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  • Aimai

    I see a missed fundraising opportunity. You could have asked people to pledge a dollar amount for every time you said something attacking 1) Ketchup, 2) whatever other food you hate and 3) Republican policies. I bet you could have earned some charity a pretty penny before they dragged you out and had you shot.

    • I did mention to someone that I was the only person in the room who advocated socialism. But then I just wanted to leave. Which I did.

      • AlanInSF

        Betcha wish you’d had your pikes with you.

  • jim, some guy in iowa

    sounds like someone’s testing a new circle of hell

    re: the movie- it’s kind of amazing that any of that stuff is still viewable, let alone findable

    • There are some people who see high-ranking Republicans and see people they can disagree with but still drink with. There are other people who see high-ranking Republicans as people with direct culpability for people suffering and dying and want to spit in their faces. Guess which category I belong to?

      • Malaclypse

        One of my favorite memories was being drug to some function back in the autumn of 2012, having Scott Brown decide to introduce himself to me, and getting to tell him I wished him well in whatever job he chose to pursue after the election. He didn’t chat after that.

        • You are my hero.

        • jim, some guy in iowa

          too cool

        • Woodrowfan

          I love you.

        • joe from Lowell

          I once trolled the National Taxpayers Union while selling art door-to-door.

          • The young white people with buttons saying “X state for tax reform” filled me with no glee for the future.

        • Origami Isopod

          :D

      • howard

        so why didn’t you get stinkin’ drunk and throw up on someone?

        • I don’t really like getting drunk and I’m too Protestant to allow myself to throw up on someone. That’s not how Lutherans roll.

          • Aimai

            Shoulda slipped some lutefisk into their pockets. That sounds lutheranish to me.

            • Should have nailed a socialist manifesto to the door. There wasn’t really a door, but maybe the stairs or something.

              • Aimai

                If you really want to get their attention you nail it to someone’s foot.

              • Warren Terra

                Go full misheard Lutheran, nail your feces to the door.

              • Peterr

                You could have burned a bull — preferably one put forward by Pope Nino the First and his conservative brothers at SCOTUS.

                As for throwing up on someone, Luther would probably say that this is a waste of good beer.

          • howard

            live and learn! who would have thought?

          • Gaudius the Clod

            “I’m too Protestant to allow myself to throw up on someone.”

            Bush 41 is a Protestant, and he managed to throw up on the Prime Minister of Japan.

          • Origami Isopod

            As a Lutheran, you can throw a hotdish rather than a cream pie. Or maybe something made of Jell-O.

      • jim, some guy in iowa

        I imagine it as being like attending a gathering of expensively dressed and possibly better-spoken trolls. So I’m going with the latter category- that might be projection on my part, but I doubt it

        • They were certainly more expensive dressed than I was. Did they largely support the same policy positions as Jennie? Yes. Yes they did.

  • somethingblue

    There are some people who see high-ranking Republicans and see people they can disagree with but still drink serve on corporate boards with.

  • Aimai

    I can’t imagine. I am driven to gibbering fury just having dinner with my husband’s brother and his wife, and I actually like them personally, and they are pretty quiet about their conservativism all things considered. I just can’ttake it any longer. I can’t imagine how you managed even a few minutes.

    • Bourbon is how I managed 30 minutes

      • You filled your ear canals with bourbon so you couldn’t hear? Good call.

        • Aubergine

          Bourbon is for drinking. Vodka is for filling ear canals.

  • Kalil

    A post about pie flinging, and no mention of Anita Bryant? I am sad.

  • Warren Terra

    Did they have hors d’oeuvres on toothpicks – cocktail weenies, for example – that you could picture as being heads on pikes?

    • somethingblue

      My guess is that there were a lot of weenies. (Not Erik, of course.)

      Also, sticks, not pikes. Wayne LaPierre doesn’t rate a pike.

  • Woodrowfan

    Go out to the street just to the west of the Madison Building and watch the House staffers walk past. You can spot the young republicans interns a mile away. Their douche-bagginess just screams out “I read Ayn Rand when I was 13 and it changed my life!”

  • Sly

    So as I am in DC, I managed to spend part of the evening in the company of truly evil people, i.e. Republican congressmen and staffers at a reception that someone suggest I attend, probably as a comedic social experiment. For many reasons I will not go into detail except to say that I was a fish out of waters that support terrible lives for Americans. Also there was 1 minority in a room of at least 150 people, not counting the servants who of course were almost all black. Welcome to the Beltway.

    I went to one of those for Bob Barr about 15 years ago, for the same reason. Dumbest evening of my life. Got the invite from a guy I know who interned for Dan Burton (he of “Let me show you how Bill Clinton murdered Vince Foster by shooting this cantaloupe” fame). In hindsight, I wish it would have been a reception for Burton, because I heard the guy was really into booze and strippers and that would have been at least more entertaining than spending an hour and a half hearing about the evils of medical marijuana and the estate tax over watered-down martinis and some mystery meat trying to pass itself off as crab cakes.

    • This is the most DC story possible.

      • Peterr

        But it’s not truly “the most DC story possible” until Mike Allen puts it in his Playbook, right?

    • joe from Lowell

      Dan Burton: Senator Head-Like-Object.

    • somethingblue

      I sat next to Dan Burton on a plane once. I must have been about 15, so it was pretty early in his career. He was perfectly pleasant; introduced himself and gave me his card. #brusheswithgreatness #worldsmostboringanecdotes

      • You could have hopped on the gravy train to evil so early!

  • Bruce Vail

    I know how you feel. I once attended a cocktail reception on Capitol Hill where the guest of honor was Sen. Strom Thurmond.

    Once the novelty of seeing the old mummy in person wore off, I felt terrible just being there and had to leave.

  • Much as I understand the skin crawling need to bail on those people as quickly as possible, I’m not sure that I agree with you 100% on your police work there, Erik. I get sucked into gatherings that are heavily wingnut 2-3 times a year. I just drink, nod and “uh-huh”.

    It’s like being one of those FBI agents who “infiltrates” the Sierra Club. Sure, they make your blood boil, but listening to them is educational and fun, albeit in a guignol “let’s see where this goes” kind of way.

    • Peterr

      I can hear the voice of the late Marlin Perkins: “Here we’ve found a gathering of Republicans in their natural habitat, foraging for food while posturing to demonstrate the hierarchy of the herd. Let’s send Erik in to get a closer look . . .”

      • rea

        But in all seriousness, if you had the opportunity (and the necessary guarantees of safe conduct) to meet history’s great monsters–Hitler or Stalin or Temujin or Carter–wouldn’t you grab it?

        • Bruce Vail

          I would.

          I even met George W. Bush once.

          • A good friend of mine once attended a wedding reception at W’s house. My brain would have exploded in that situation.

      • John Revolta

        “Quickly Erik has the Congressman down on the carpet and begins to chew off his ear. But we must not interfere……………for it is Nature’s Way.’

      • Origami Isopod

        Not even David Attenborough would have stuck around to narrate the mating. To be fair, though, you can’t set up the TV cameras in the men’s room stalls.

    • Kalil

      And there’s always that chance that you might wind up with the next 47% video…

      • TribalistMeathead

        Provided DC is a one-party consent jurisdiction.

    • Malaclypse

      I get sucked into gatherings that are heavily wingnut 2-3 times a year. I just drink, nod and “uh-huh”.

      I can’t let myself drink at all at those things. One, because I’m forced to drive an automobile to the damn things, and I don’t drink at all when driving, and two, because I don’t trust myself to remain civil. Drinking is for afterwards, to calm down.

      • Lee Rudolph

        One, because I’m forced to drive an automobile to the damn things, and I don’t drink at all when driving, and two, because I don’t trust myself to remain civil

        and three, because you don’t trust them not to slip Rohypnol into your drink.

  • Gaudius the Clod

    “that dispensed with 3,000 pies”

    I’m curious. If all the bloggers associated with LGMblog got together, could they go through even more pies? Now that would be a great fundraiser.

  • bad Jim

    “The Great Race” was the apotheosis of the pie fight. Until then, almost any movie might feature one, even a Robin Hood story. Afterwards, not so much.

  • JustRuss

    … Republican congressmen and staffers at a reception that someone suggest I attend, probably as a comedic social experiment.

    If “someone” is not a commenter here, (s)he really needs to be. Even if (s)he likes vodka. I like the cut of his/her jib.

  • libarbarian

    For a movie featuring 3,000 Creampies this was just SO disappointing.

    • Lee Rudolph

      Imagine how disappointing it could be to read an article where “death penalty” was regularly acronymized.

      (Registering disappointment for a friend.)

  • TribalistMeathead

    This is what I was expecting when I volunteered to be a judge at the national FBLA competition last week. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case, although I did spend as little time socializing with other judges as humanly possible.

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