Do Not Inappropriately Manipulate Your Balls

Hmm, seems a little light for the greatest scandal there absolutely ever was in the history of history except steroids. Where is the vacated championship that is clearly the only just outcome?

…and, yes, excellent point by Magary:

Under his watch, the NFL has adopted the very American legal tradition of manufacturing crime out of crime. You can take a small crime—any crime, really—and you can inflate it by making the PROCESS of pursuing that crime utterly sacrosanct…