Home / Robert Farley / Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays!


Happy Holidays, if it’s your thing.  Or if not.  Be safe out there, enjoy friends and family, get wasted, whatever.  If you’re truly bored, check out:

Thanks from all at LGM for another wonderful season of comments and readership!

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  • DrDick

    And happy holidays to you and all the other bloggers here at LGM!

    • Kurzleg

      Backatcha, Doc!

  • Kurzleg

    For what it’s worth, I truly enjoy the breadth of perspectives that LGM puts forth. It’s all food for thought, and I’m thankful that the protagonists here find the time to express them. Happy holidays to you and yours.

  • Peter Hovde

    The War on Christmas continues! I confess, if I thought I had a chance of defeating Christmas, I would go to war, but I have no such delusions.

    • I fear we have awakened a sleeping jolly old elf.

      Feliz Navidad, one & all.

  • Leeds man

    Noggin sticks for all! Cheers.

    • Vance Maverick

      Having been out to a Christmas Eve party, I feel like my head’s on a stick already. Merry merry to all (and like Farley, I extend this quasi-seasonal greeting even to those who reject it).

  • Jameson Quinn

    A Christmas limerick for all:

    Erik Loomis desires, for a kick,
    Wayne Lapierre’s ugly head on a stick.
    (which is code to mean “Jesus,
    you should just read my thesis
    it’s got lots of gay lumberjack dick.”)

    (inspired by thers)

    Happy post-solstice holiday and 2nd piktun.

  • UberMitch

    His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
    His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
    His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
    And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
    The beard also wrapped around a Yuletide head-stick.

  • wjts

    “Old Hoss Rayburn” can make all the jokes he wants, but for some of us the War on Christmas isn’t particularly funny.

    I was serving with General Dawkins’ V Corps during the 2005 offensive, back when the fighting was thickest. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and I was a green 2LT in the 3rd Agnostic Cavalry Regiment (The Fighting Huxleys). We were resupplying outside of the New Harbour Mall in Fall River, MA when the order came down: we were going to clear Santa’s Village. Resistance was purportedly light: two companies of North Pole irregulars reinforced with a few 88mm candy canes.

    If any of us had known what was in store, we would have scurried back to the People’s Republic of Cambridge as fast as our little legs would have carried us.

    Bravo Company secured Santa’s Workshop without meeting any serious resistance. Alpha and Charlie companies moved into the Gingerbread Village and Mrs. Claus’s Bakery, figuring that nothing was amiss. That’s when all non-existent hell broke loose.

    Instead of two companies of elfin irregulars, we were facing a full division of NORPOLE armored infantry supported by a brigade of flying reindeer. The CO didn’t cotton onto what was happening until the third strafing run, by which time most of Alpha Company and all of Charlie Company was turned into cookies and milk. My company, Delta, was in reserve, and we got hustled up to the Toys R Us outside of the Gingerbread Village six hours into what should have been a two-hour milk run. The captain had orders to reinforce the remnants of Alpha Company in the village itself, but as soon as he saw what we were up against he knew that wasn’t likely. My platoon was ordered to move forward to probe the Christian positions in and around the Cinnabon. We moved forward yards at a time, and things seemed to be fairly calm.

    As we rounded the Best Buy, though, we got hit with a vicious hail of gumdrops and 75mm gingerbread cookies. Kelly, Bieluczyk, and De Falco all lost their lives on HDTV Ridge. After a brief firefight, we managed to secure the DVD section and were preparing to move on Audio Accessories. Just then, a snow globe came rolling down the aisle. My platoon sergeant – Duchac – jumped from behind a display of Big Bang Theory box sets and smothered it with his body.

    In my dreams, I still see the tiny little faux snowflakes tearing into his chest.

    SSGT Michael Duchac saved the lives of 38 good atheists that day. We pushed past the NORPOLEs investing the Cinnabon, and held the left flank of the front through 48 hours of counterattacks, ultimately allowing the 3rd Atheist Armor to roll up the Christians holding Santa’s Village. It didn’t come easy, and it didn’t come cheap. So remember this holiday season – in the War on Christmas, all gave some but some gave all.

    • Leeds man

      Oh, the humanismity.

    • max

      Ooo rah!

      [‘Semper fi.’]

    • The day New Harbour Mall rates a Cinnabon will be the day the Antarctic loses its ice.

      Oh, wait.

      (But srsly, have you seen the poor old place lately?)

    • Best…..comment…..ever.

    • Barry Freed

      Kelly, Bieluczyk, and De Falco all lost their lives on HDTV Ridge.

      We lost some damn fine soldiers on that ridge. I salute them all.

      Happy Holidays!

    • Woodrowfan

      you win a stocking full of internet today! +10

    • Hogan

      Sometimes “thank you for your service” just doesn’t say enough.

    • Randomfactor

      Semper Infi!

    • efgoldman

      Kelly, Bieluczyk, and De Falco all lost their lives on HDTV Ridge. After a brief firefight, we managed to secure the DVD section and were preparing to move on Audio Accessories. Just then, a snow globe came rolling down the aisle. My platoon sergeant – Duchac – jumped from behind a display of Big Bang Theory box sets and smothered it with his body.

      Wait! Wait! Where’s the Jewish guy from Brooklyn> There’s always a Jewsi hguyfrim Brookli=yn?

      • efgoldman

        My virtual scrotum for an edit function.
        Now where was I?
        Oh yeah: There’s always a Jewish guy from Brooklyn.

    • Nice.

      I wrote this about a week ago:

      “(You should read the following with a Ken Burns film-esque soundtrack playing in your head. And somehow make everything sepia-toned.)

      My Dearest Love,

      I write to you with the gravest of news. The War on Christmas continues, but I fear our side makes no inroads. The fearsome warriors of Fox and Friends and their mighty general, Billo the Blowhard, prove too strong a foe.

      Darling, you know this weighs on me more heavily than most, as I am atheist. And, so, it is with an ailing heart that I inform you of this grim chapter in our righteous fight.

      Last night, I awoke to find the house festooned with evergreens, gayly-colored balls, queer, tiny lights and garishly-wrapped gifts. There appeared to be at least one stocking hanging from the mantle. And it had clearly been hung with care. It was hideous sight, and I confess I felt a bit ill upon seeing it. Who had unleashed this Merry Mayhem? I searched for a culprit. Only to find she stared back at me from the mirror–it was I! Oh, the horror! It seems I had become manic with some sort of cheer…some sort of Christmas-induced spirit, and I had committed these atrocities myself.

      War truly is Hell. Still, I fight on, my love.

      Warm Regards,

      Your Anti-Christmas Valkyrie”

  • jkay

    Happy Some Holiday and Merry Too Drunk New Year!

    There was actually a REAL War on Christmas, done by Puritan Cromwellian Parliamentarians. They even stole Christmas meat; now THAT’s the real thing.

    Of course, it takes theocrats like some of our more radical Christian Republicans to do the job. But, propaganda often has a way of being projection, which’ why Hitler kept accusing the world of warmonging.

  • max

    I did see the ThaiLadiesLink, but then I hit refresh and I get the Concealed Carry Report and something involving pseudo-space war. Gee. I liked The Rift chick better.

    Of course, I didn’t buy it, but it’s the hot babe that counts. Or something.

    Happy Christmas all around.

    [‘Also: Death to the NRA! Get them before they get you!’]

  • Today’s ProJo has a headline “URI president issues new statement supporting prof who tweeted about N.R.A.”; I haven’t looked at the story itself for fear of enraging myself even earlier than usual on Xmas.

    • Woodrowfan

      the story is OK (although it should have reprinted the original quote). But the comments are as bad as you’d expect…

      • pete

        Oh, I don’t know. “What happened to the smart people?” in a comment that confusicates Dooley with not-Dooley is pretty good, in a rain-on-your-wedding-day kind of way.

      • Malaclypse

        As I said before, the URI academia is rife with communists and militants just waiting for us to turn to a socialist state.

        The militants are just waiting, sheeple! Passive militants are truly a force to fear!

  • Uncle Kvetch
    • efgoldman

      Umm. Hey, Unc?
      Must be logged in to see this page.

  • The Dark Avenger

    Hark, the herald angels sing
    Beecham’s Pills are just the thing
    Peace on Earth, and mercy mild
    Two for the man, and one for the child.

  • Hogan

    John Holbo has that Clement Clarke Moore/Ernst Haeckel/H. P. Lovecraft mashup you’ve all been waiting for.

    As it left I still heard,
    Like the voice of a Dragon,
    “Ph’nglui mglw’nath Cthrishmsh,
    R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”

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