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“We’re Under Attack”

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Yesterday at roughly 4:45pm EDT, viewers of the mobile LGM site found themselves redirected to a “Raunchy Pics” porn website. This situation persisted for roughly an hour and a half before a Special Cyber Force team was able to regain control of the site. We at LGM condemn this vicious assault, and apologize for our inability to accord our readers the protection from pornography they expect and so richly deserve.

Analysts quickly began to speculate about the source of the attacks. Given the dearth of hard evidence, it would be irresponsible not to conclude that Crooked Timber is to blame. In the unlikely event that it is not directly to blame, then they are surely to blame in some sort of atmospheric way.

"Foot-Ball"

In addition to this concrete speculation, we have evidence from a Crooked Timber defector (code name “Foot-ball”).  The precise intelligence provided by this defector is classified; however, it’s fair to say that his testimony has substantially confirmed everything we believe and would like to believe about the source of the attacks.

The demands of the War Party are as follows:

 

 

  • Crooked Timber shall provide indisputable proof that it did not launch, did not consider launching, and would never think about launching such an attack.  It shall also offer proof that it did not find the attack “funny” or “amusing” in any way.
  • Crooked Timber shall provide indisputable proof that it has dismantled all of its weapons of mass porn diffusion.
  • Crooked Timber shall reveal location of the hidden rebel base.
  • Crooked Timber shall suppress any publication which incites to hatred and contempt of the Austrian Monarchy.
  • Crooked Timber shall turn over all information associated with “Project Genesis.”
  • Crooked Timber shall withdraw from Sherman’s Planet, Organia, Donatu V ,Neural, Capella IV, the Archanis sector, and the Tellun system.
  • Crooked Timber shall supply Phil Leotardo with any and all information necessary to the apprehension of Tony Blundetto.

Failure to comply will result in steps being taken, although the precise nature of these steps is currently classified.

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  • Charles Giacometti

    Sorry I missed this. What was the porn site? I need my daily fix

    • Steve H

      Exactly. Why weren’t we notified immediately?

    • thusbloggedanderson

      Wait – do you mean to say there’s pornography available on the internet? Really?

      • Anonymous

        Not on the Internet. You were forwarded to the “Dump trucks-tubes” Net. Can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some coitus.

        • anonymous

          But you can’t swing a midget porn video without hitting some cat macros, either.

    • Manju

      What was the porn site?

      http://www.womeninbinders.com

    • Socraticsilence

      hediplomat.com perhaps?

  • Malaclypse

    I heard that Perfidious Albion Crooked Timber are even going so far as to consider bringing on Tommie Franks as a Guest WarBlogger.

    More seriously, any plans to comment on the linked article?

    • Robert Farley

      What is there to say? The neocons continue to control the levers in the foreign policy sphere, and as long as they do so there’ll never be recognition that Iraq was a disaster. With a couple very minor exceptions, there can therefore be no recognition of the individual incompetence of those associated with the project.

      • John

        Didn’t Franks rather do his part of the job perfectly well? I’m sure he’s not beyond cricitism, but he was mostly not around for the parts that went badly.

        • Robert Farley

          Opinions of Franks differ; I tend to think that the war plan was reasonably audacious and well commanded (in several cases I think Frank’s decisions to goad and interfere with subordinates worked out well). The case against is that the initial plan and immediate aftermath set up the insurgency by ignoring and bypassing large pockets of resistance, and by not providing for order in captured areas.

          He’s also blamed for being very bureaucratically aggressive in terms of stripping resources from Afghanistan in service of Iraq prep, and for failing to express due strategic diligence in terms of providing good advice regarding likely outcomes of the Iraq invasion.

          • Leeds man

            Does this have anything to do with criticism aimed at Franks for missing out on catching Bin Laden in Tora Bora?

            • Timb

              No, but it should IMHO. His failure to prepare for the end of the Iraq conflict is his most egregious sin.

    • More seriously, any plans to comment on the linked article?

      It contains a link to a Foreign Policy article about the worst generals in American history. A commenter nominated Benjamin “Beast” Butler.

      Just for the record, Benjamin Butler was the first general to use the gatling gun in battle, purchasing some with his own money after the Army refused to buy any.

      He also set off the mass defection of enslaved African-Americans to the Union war effort. The commenter complains he “stirred up public opinion.” Boo hoo hoo.

      Notwithstanding his shortcomings as a field commander, his contribution to the Union’s success was much greater than that of the dashing cavalry officers everyone loves to write about.

      • Probably not the angle you were looking for, though.

      • Pestilence

        +1

  • mark f

    Ctrl+F proves conclusively that LGM is taking too long to call yesterday’s attacks and act of terror. How can you be expected to lead?

    • Cody

      I agree. I am personally fed up with LG&M allowing time for informed opinions to be formed. They previously did so well on acknowledging who was to blame, yet they fell far behind in the branding department.

  • ploeg

    Hells bells. Kaspersky blocked me from the site this morning but I thought that it was because of the normal goings on.

  • jre

    Your “Foot-ball” is well known to us as the Khasi agent provocateur Ha Kí Púk.

  • Calming Influence

    I’ve just made LG&M my homepage so I don’t miss any more of the good stuff.

  • Malaclypse

    In case this degenerates into the YouTube wars of Ought-Six, I’ll just leave this right here.

    May Cthulhu have mercy on my soul.

    • catclub

      I do not click on links like those above.

      But can I put in a request for the “Ballad of the Green Berets”

      “fighting soldiers, from the sky…”
      who may now be resonating in your head.

    • BigHank53

      After watching Nimoy’s Ballad of Bilbo Baggins (no link, go find it yourselves, perverts) that just kind of bounces off the scar tissue.

      • It’s kind of sobering to realize that those cute, spacey 60’s pixie chicks (assuming any of them are still alive) are (depending on what year in the 60’s this thing was done) pushing 70.

        Gasp!
        JzB (pushing 66)

    • thebewilderness

      Oh the humanatees! I very nearly expired from seeing and hearing that amazing thingy.

    • danah gaz

      The guy in the center of the shot at the 2:20 mark looks is a ringer for a shaggy headed Rick Santorum. Just sayin’

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=mAz50pZn6Ys#t=139s

  • commie atheist

    “Yesterday at roughly 4:45pm EDT, viewers of the mobile LGM site found themselves redirected to a “Raunchy Pics” porn website.” And this is a problem how, exactly?

    • Mickey Kaus

      Not enough goats.

    • Ann Althouse

      Everything reminded me of onion rings.

      • brad

        I am still not you.

    • WHERE WERE THE WALRUSES?! I CAN’T FAP TO THIS!!

    • Jonah Goldberg

      Finally, someone does my work for me, after I’ve asked only like umpteen zillion times.

  • thusbloggedanderson

    So, uh, any chance this might recur at the same time today?

    I’d better check in and let you know.

  • It must have been because the news that letting Scott blog about the reality that Willard cannot even carry his hometown’s newspaper would be too much for the commonweal to bear.

    • IM

      Which of his hometowns?

      • Totally not a sock puppet

        Well, it’s not his hometown so much as his mothership.

        • Hogan

          grrr

  • Gary K

    If you drag that image to Google Image search, the “visually similar images” include photos of Bill Kristol, George Will, Richard Cohen, and Newt Gingrich.

    • Cody

      If this is true, Google’s technology is advancing very quickly!

  • rea

    This is nothing compared to the acknowledged mescaline attack

  • MikeJake

    I believe the attack originated from Colonial Heights, Virginia.

    • Whatever happened to that guy?

      • Anonymous

        He must have gotten lost at the Arby’s. It’s SO BIG.

  • Sharon

    Best thing about this post:

    the e-Haarmony tower ad right next to it.

    Full of win.

  • apologize for our inability to accord our readers the protection from pornography they expect and so richly deserve.

    WAIT!!!!!!!!

    • greylocks

      Typical LG&M nanny-statism.

  • Stuff like this sometimes makes me want to get on Twitter. But then I remember it’s still only 2012, and the tattered remains of my Luddite cred demand that I wait until at least 2015 to adopt it, at which point it will be, conveniently, both a mostly obsolete technology (and thus easier to master) but also kind of retro and cool.

    • Jameson Quinn

      I held out on wheeled luggage until 1998 and on cell phones until 2003. I think I can make it to 2017 at least on Twitter. Remember, once you give in and never talk about it again, all the effort in holding out until then isn’t pointless, because it ceases to exist altogether.

  • If there is even a 1% chance it was Crooked Timber…

    • somethingblue

      Damn right. We don’t want the smoking gun to be a symposium on the economic implications of science fiction novels!

  • Barry Freed

    Let the record show that I was on to the nature of the CT counterattack from the start.
    Someone else pointed out in another thread that you’ve got plenty of Lawyers and Guns but no Money. Bringing the Rauchway division into the theater of operations shows the locus of the CT Schwerpunkt.

    • rea

      The name “Raunchway” is a complete giveaway.

  • John Quiggin

    Right now, I’m seeing a moderately raunchy picture of Pamela Anderson advertising LGM as part of “crazydomains.com.au”. The heroic Fifth Column is at work.

    • Pfft. Like someone’s gonna fall for using some crazy “.au” domain. It doesn’t even exist!

      • Bill Murray

        It’s the gold standard

        • Marek

          I see what you did there.

      • Steven desJardins

        You know who else said Austria didn’t exist? Hitler.

        • ++

        • Hogan

          And he was born there, so he should know.

    • John Quiggin

      Now I’m seeing AsiaMatchonline.com, which promises “Get Tons of Admirers”, something LGM will surely need in the coming blogwar.

      Overall, judging by the ads being served up, my negative SEO team is hard at work.

  • Murc

    Nobody is going to comment on the obvious?

    Clearly, this was the work of The Donalde.

    Wake up, sheeple! Crooked Timber being responsible is just what they want you to THINK.

    • Pestilence

      kinda depends how young the models were?

  • Calming Influence

    …and Malaclypse goes nuclear quicker than Goldwater on acid.

  • wengler

    Clearly Crooked Timber would go in for some sort of DNS redirect attack.

    Since it’s not like they have a navy.

    • rea

      They just don’t seem to appreciate naval affairs, over there.


      In the navy
      Yes, you can sail the seven seas
      In the navy
      Yes, you can put your mind at ease
      In the navy
      Come on now, people, make a stand
      In the navy, in the navy
      Can’t you see we need a hand
      In the navy
      Come on, protect the motherland
      In the navy
      Come on and join your fellow man
      In the navy
      Come on people, and make a stand
      In the navy, in the navy, in the navy

      • Malaclypse

        I believe Raushway is pro-Navy. Or at least pro-Muppet.

        • It is extremely well established that Rauchway has long been a Muppet sympathizer.

  • JugOPunch

    Anatomy lessons would so screw up my work life.

  • Keaaukane

    Did I miss something? I was reading this book called “my pet goat”, and man, did I get caught up in the story…

  • Not sure how I missed this, especially since I have Google alerts set for (a) pictures of me from 2006 with my eyes blacked out, (b) unauthorized uses of my code name, and (c) the phrase “pornography they expect and so richly deserve,” but I just want to stop by belatedly and deny everything except the true parts.

  • Hur de hur

    Oh, my aching sides.

  • I was told that there were Rorschach pictures here. No? They always look like Sigmund Freud’s mother, anyway.

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