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“We’re Under Attack”

[ 74 ] October 19, 2012 |

Yesterday at roughly 4:45pm EDT, viewers of the mobile LGM site found themselves redirected to a “Raunchy Pics” porn website. This situation persisted for roughly an hour and a half before a Special Cyber Force team was able to regain control of the site. We at LGM condemn this vicious assault, and apologize for our inability to accord our readers the protection from pornography they expect and so richly deserve.

Analysts quickly began to speculate about the source of the attacks. Given the dearth of hard evidence, it would be irresponsible not to conclude that Crooked Timber is to blame. In the unlikely event that it is not directly to blame, then they are surely to blame in some sort of atmospheric way.

"Foot-Ball"

In addition to this concrete speculation, we have evidence from a Crooked Timber defector (code name “Foot-ball”).  The precise intelligence provided by this defector is classified; however, it’s fair to say that his testimony has substantially confirmed everything we believe and would like to believe about the source of the attacks.

The demands of the War Party are as follows:

 

 

  • Crooked Timber shall provide indisputable proof that it did not launch, did not consider launching, and would never think about launching such an attack.  It shall also offer proof that it did not find the attack “funny” or “amusing” in any way.
  • Crooked Timber shall provide indisputable proof that it has dismantled all of its weapons of mass porn diffusion.
  • Crooked Timber shall reveal location of the hidden rebel base.
  • Crooked Timber shall suppress any publication which incites to hatred and contempt of the Austrian Monarchy.
  • Crooked Timber shall turn over all information associated with “Project Genesis.”
  • Crooked Timber shall withdraw from Sherman’s Planet, Organia, Donatu V ,Neural, Capella IV, the Archanis sector, and the Tellun system.
  • Crooked Timber shall supply Phil Leotardo with any and all information necessary to the apprehension of Tony Blundetto.

Failure to comply will result in steps being taken, although the precise nature of these steps is currently classified.

Comments (74)

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  1. Charles Giacometti says:

    Sorry I missed this. What was the porn site? I need my daily fix

  2. Malaclypse says:

    I heard that Perfidious Albion Crooked Timber are even going so far as to consider bringing on Tommie Franks as a Guest WarBlogger.

    More seriously, any plans to comment on the linked article?

    • Robert Farley says:

      What is there to say? The neocons continue to control the levers in the foreign policy sphere, and as long as they do so there’ll never be recognition that Iraq was a disaster. With a couple very minor exceptions, there can therefore be no recognition of the individual incompetence of those associated with the project.

      • John says:

        Didn’t Franks rather do his part of the job perfectly well? I’m sure he’s not beyond cricitism, but he was mostly not around for the parts that went badly.

        • Robert Farley says:

          Opinions of Franks differ; I tend to think that the war plan was reasonably audacious and well commanded (in several cases I think Frank’s decisions to goad and interfere with subordinates worked out well). The case against is that the initial plan and immediate aftermath set up the insurgency by ignoring and bypassing large pockets of resistance, and by not providing for order in captured areas.

          He’s also blamed for being very bureaucratically aggressive in terms of stripping resources from Afghanistan in service of Iraq prep, and for failing to express due strategic diligence in terms of providing good advice regarding likely outcomes of the Iraq invasion.

    • More seriously, any plans to comment on the linked article?

      It contains a link to a Foreign Policy article about the worst generals in American history. A commenter nominated Benjamin “Beast” Butler.

      Just for the record, Benjamin Butler was the first general to use the gatling gun in battle, purchasing some with his own money after the Army refused to buy any.

      He also set off the mass defection of enslaved African-Americans to the Union war effort. The commenter complains he “stirred up public opinion.” Boo hoo hoo.

      Notwithstanding his shortcomings as a field commander, his contribution to the Union’s success was much greater than that of the dashing cavalry officers everyone loves to write about.

  3. mark f says:

    Ctrl+F proves conclusively that LGM is taking too long to call yesterday’s attacks and act of terror. How can you be expected to lead?

    • Cody says:

      I agree. I am personally fed up with LG&M allowing time for informed opinions to be formed. They previously did so well on acknowledging who was to blame, yet they fell far behind in the branding department.

  4. ploeg says:

    Hells bells. Kaspersky blocked me from the site this morning but I thought that it was because of the normal goings on.

  5. jre says:

    Your “Foot-ball” is well known to us as the Khasi agent provocateur Ha Kí Púk.

  6. Calming Influence says:

    I’ve just made LG&M my homepage so I don’t miss any more of the good stuff.

  7. Malaclypse says:

    In case this degenerates into the YouTube wars of Ought-Six, I’ll just leave this right here.

    May Cthulhu have mercy on my soul.

  8. commie atheist says:

    “Yesterday at roughly 4:45pm EDT, viewers of the mobile LGM site found themselves redirected to a “Raunchy Pics” porn website.” And this is a problem how, exactly?

  9. thusbloggedanderson says:

    So, uh, any chance this might recur at the same time today?

    I’d better check in and let you know.

  10. Ken Houghton says:

    It must have been because the news that letting Scott blog about the reality that Willard cannot even carry his hometown’s newspaper would be too much for the commonweal to bear.

  11. Gary K says:

    If you drag that image to Google Image search, the “visually similar images” include photos of Bill Kristol, George Will, Richard Cohen, and Newt Gingrich.

  12. rea says:

    This is nothing compared to the acknowledged mescaline attack

  13. MikeJake says:

    I believe the attack originated from Colonial Heights, Virginia.

  14. Sharon says:

    Best thing about this post:

    the e-Haarmony tower ad right next to it.

    Full of win.

  15. actor212 says:

    apologize for our inability to accord our readers the protection from pornography they expect and so richly deserve.

    WAIT!!!!!!!!

  16. Stuff like this sometimes makes me want to get on Twitter. But then I remember it’s still only 2012, and the tattered remains of my Luddite cred demand that I wait until at least 2015 to adopt it, at which point it will be, conveniently, both a mostly obsolete technology (and thus easier to master) but also kind of retro and cool.

    • Jameson Quinn says:

      I held out on wheeled luggage until 1998 and on cell phones until 2003. I think I can make it to 2017 at least on Twitter. Remember, once you give in and never talk about it again, all the effort in holding out until then isn’t pointless, because it ceases to exist altogether.

  17. If there is even a 1% chance it was Crooked Timber…

    • somethingblue says:

      Damn right. We don’t want the smoking gun to be a symposium on the economic implications of science fiction novels!

  18. Barry Freed says:

    Let the record show that I was on to the nature of the CT counterattack from the start.
    Someone else pointed out in another thread that you’ve got plenty of Lawyers and Guns but no Money. Bringing the Rauchway division into the theater of operations shows the locus of the CT Schwerpunkt.

  19. John Quiggin says:

    Right now, I’m seeing a moderately raunchy picture of Pamela Anderson advertising LGM as part of “crazydomains.com.au”. The heroic Fifth Column is at work.

  20. Murc says:

    Nobody is going to comment on the obvious?

    Clearly, this was the work of The Donalde.

    Wake up, sheeple! Crooked Timber being responsible is just what they want you to THINK.

  21. Calming Influence says:

    …and Malaclypse goes nuclear quicker than Goldwater on acid.

  22. wengler says:

    Clearly Crooked Timber would go in for some sort of DNS redirect attack.

    Since it’s not like they have a navy.

    • rea says:

      They just don’t seem to appreciate naval affairs, over there.


      In the navy
      Yes, you can sail the seven seas
      In the navy
      Yes, you can put your mind at ease
      In the navy
      Come on now, people, make a stand
      In the navy, in the navy
      Can’t you see we need a hand
      In the navy
      Come on, protect the motherland
      In the navy
      Come on and join your fellow man
      In the navy
      Come on people, and make a stand
      In the navy, in the navy, in the navy

  23. JugOPunch says:

    Anatomy lessons would so screw up my work life.

  24. Keaaukane says:

    Did I miss something? I was reading this book called “my pet goat”, and man, did I get caught up in the story…

  25. Not sure how I missed this, especially since I have Google alerts set for (a) pictures of me from 2006 with my eyes blacked out, (b) unauthorized uses of my code name, and (c) the phrase “pornography they expect and so richly deserve,” but I just want to stop by belatedly and deny everything except the true parts.

  26. Hur de hur says:

    Oh, my aching sides.

  27. another kiwi says:

    I was told that there were Rorschach pictures here. No? They always look like Sigmund Freud’s mother, anyway.

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