Greatest Troll Ever
So other than Farley, I am probably the most anti-troll person here and I probably delete more troll comments than he does. But RICK VENEMA, COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA is so special and so awesome. Really, he transcends other trolls. Then in comments Belle Waring wondered if he was just posing. I don’t know. So I googled “Rick Venema, Colonial Heights, Virginia.” And this is what I found:
To the Editor:
A few years ago, Will Ferrell starred in the Movie “Anchorman.” In the title role of Ron Burgundy, Ferrell played an arrogant, macho, narcissistic news anchor in San Diego during the 1970s, fawned upon by his peers in the media, groupies and an admiring public. Ron’s supremacy is challenged by Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate) who discovers Ron’s weakness: he will report anything – anything – that his teleprompter offers him. Veronica exploits that weakness and compels Ron to insult his viewing audience in such a vulgar manner that he is fired and disgraced. But, because he followed the teleprompter’s instruction, he was oblivious while everyone around him in the broadcast studio was stunned and horrified. The movie is hilarious, largely because it is totally absurd.
I was recently reminded of the fictitious Ron Burgundy when the actual president of the United States, Barack Obama, recited his teleprompter before the American Society of Newspaper Editors at a luncheon in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday, April 3, 2012, and accused the Republican-controlled House of Representatives of attempting “to impose a radical vision on our country” through the budget proposal it passed.
Admittedly, the list of gaffes uttered by the most brilliant man in the word during his role as president of the United States is too extensive to compile here, so let’s just look at this single example. Did he actually accuse the Republican House members of trying to “to impose a radical vision on our country”? This from the same man who said, prior to his coronation, that “We are five days away from fundamentally transforming America”? This is an accusation the pot is ill-advised to hurl at the kettle.
I am left with a predicament. I can’t decide if Barack Obama is the embodiment of evil; i.e., the Red Skull, Dr. Evil and Auric Goldfinger rolled into one, or is he simply Ron Burgundy? If he’s Ron, who is programming his teleprompter? And, regardless whether he is Vlad the Impaler reincarnate or simply an arrogant blithering buffoon, why would anyone in their right mind entrust the presidency of the United States of America to him for four more years?
Rick Venema
Colonial Heights
Oh man. This is just brilliant. Real or an act, this is a work of art.
This is Erik Loomis, saying Go Fuck Yourself Colonial Heights.
I think Colonial Heights is already as thoroughly fucked as it is possible to get, if only because Rick lives there.
http://www.meetup.com/Tri-Cities-Liberty-Alliance/members/12131094/
I just saw that myself.
If you look around, you can find his actual address.
The address itself suggests this has to be a brilliant Colbert-esque act.
Holy shit. Great catch.
He has got to be a Poe.
Actually, I wonder if there is a real one and a pretend one. That would not necessarily be cool, but what if the real one never really disagreed with the pretend one?
If you look around, you can find his actual address.
This guy’s positions must have really gotten to you for you to stoop to stalking him.
I know I am one more Rick comment away from realizing the errors of my ways and becoming a white nationalist, neo-Confederate, who hates the President, welfare queens, and poverty pimps, and the scary homos….
just one more comment and I too shall become a defender of plutocracy!
Where are you, Rick from COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA?
Tim
LOST WITH THE GUIDANCE OF THE MAN DESIGNING THE BAGHDAD STATUE OF BUSH II, U.S.A
New explosions daily as they dig the foundations for that 100 ft tall statue of bush.
I just typed “rick venema colonial heights” into Bing and found his address on the third link. I didn’t even have to click through.
For better or worse, it’s really not hard to find this stuff on people nowadays. Especially if they volunteer it.
Clever handle, this.
Oh wait, not that – what’s the opposite of clever?
“Conservative.”
It’s a fine line between clever and stupid.
Yes, but this is nowhere near that line.
What’s wrong with being sexy?
You should have seen the cover they wanted to use…it wasn’t a glove…
Uncle Ebeneezer
ALTADENA, CALIFORNIA
I’m so digging this all-caps thing.
-Western Dave
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA
(the western part of it, well Northwestern if you want to get technical).
The all-caps city and state is really the best part about it. So unique, so brilliant.
Reminds me a bit of ZMF at the AV Club, a somewhat famous commentator who always writes in all caps.
The MANAYUNK part?
MANAYUNK
Gateway to CONSHAHOCKEN.
Manayunk’s really more of a gateway to cirrhosis of the liver than anything else. Or possibly heat exhaustion if you participate in that bicycle ride thingie.
As a regular Grape St patron back in the day, I fully endorse this comment. Damn I miss some Yuengling…
Is Rick the Greatest Troll Ever or THE GREATEST TROLL EVER? Inquiring minds are laughing themselves silly.
Damn you for stealing “my” (shopworn) jokes.
No, I think he (and others like him) is the inspiration for Colbert. From that site linked above, I really believe that he is the real deal.
There’s a lot about Rick on the Google. I guess he’s brave to use his own name. But despite his trolling, it would be bad to encourage retribution outside of the righteous beating he’s had on the blog.
Wouldn’t it?
He’s a lot younger than his level of pomposity would indicate. Perhaps he hasn’t thought this through.
I don’t think anyone is looking for retribution, we were all just curious if he was REAL or not.
He hasn’t done anything wrong, he just is rather radical and seems kind of off-kilter in the ultra-conservative way.
Cody,
MAD ANTHONY’S HOME, INDIANA
Retribution? For what? For providing me with endless minutes of his comedic stylings?
If he’s a parody troll then he’s one of the good ones – one that manages to actually be both on the nose and hilarious while he’s doing it. He’s not up there with Colbert but in that vein. And if he’s a real person and those are his thoughts … I’m somewhat frightened that such a caricature of a conservative actually walks around in real life and thinks he’s the normal one, I guess. But that wouldn’t demand “retribution” so much as, I don’t know, misplaced sympathy?
Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that the first couple of posts were from an actual RICK VENEMA, COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA and then the rest have been from some clever prankster assuming his name. Did anyone check the IP logs to see if they’re all coming from the same place?
being a pompous asshole isn’t, by definition, a function strictly of age.
I’m still hung up on the bit about the mall. It’s the kind of thing Anderson would yammer about while Beavis and Butthead tried to get him to say “homeowner” again.
I’d guess any newspaper readers in the Tri-Cities area of Virginia (Petersburg, Colonial Heights, Hopewell)would be quite familiar with the stylings of Mr. Venema given his many published letters to the editor. Note: It looks like you get 10 free article views in a month, so use them wisely.
There’s a certain odor of Brick Oven Bill who’s currently (perennially?) under the banhammer at Balloon Juice. Does “Rick Venema, Colonial Heights, Virginia” ever brag about stalking feminists and immigrants?
Inquiring minds…
BOB has shown up over here in addition to Balloon Juice, and he had a long and glorious run over at Obsidian Wings back in the days of Hilzoy. I think he may have dipped a toe in the water over at Crooked Timber as well.
As an aside, I can’t actually think of many Obama gaffes off-hand. I know there’s the “doing fine” thing recently, but compared to some of the stuff Bush said, I can’t rank it. Is there some secret file somewhere? Just curious. Not that it’s really important.
Honestly, I still hear a lot of references to the 57-state one and the cling to guns one, which I take to mean that there just aren’t that many.
Between the newly discovered religious freedom to deny one’s employees contraceptives and all the conspiracy theories about Fast and Furious being designed to motivate stricter gun control, I’d say the “clinging to guns and religion” quote qualifies as a Kinsley Gaffe.
The strained attacks on Obama’s speaking ability represent the Perfect Storm of Rovian attack-your-opponent’s-strength and a desire to get payback for all of the mockery Bush took for his foot-in-mouth episodes.
The fact that Rick uses a purposeful statement that was clear and correct as a “gaffe” pretty much sums up how many he has. I guess if you consider saying anything bad about the GOP a “gaffe” he has made a few!
Not nearly enough though…
I can never hear “Tri-Cities” without thinking of Earl Camembert and Floyd Robertson doing the SCTV News.
I can never hear “Tri-Cities” w/o thinking of Pasco, Kennewick & Richland.
Are those real places? I thought Patricia Briggs made them up . . .
They are, and Kennewick is pretty famous for the controversy surrounding the handling of ancient human remains found there.
It’s less famous for being the home town of my mother, which means I spent too much time there growing up.
Are there werewolves?
And sparkle vampires, yes
Hey, say what you want about the Tri-Cities (WA version), but we’ve got one of the lowest unemployment rates in the country because of those sweet, sweet federal dollars. The irony is, of course, that this is the conservative side of the state, full of people who yell about EVIL GOVERNMENT SPENDING while collecting their checks at PNNL or Hanford.
STH
TRI-CITIES, WASHINGTON
oh geez, don’t get
RICK VENEMA
COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA
started again!
frankly, it’s embarrassing enough that this tool insists on constantly identifying himself as being from virginia, we don’t need to give him something else he won’t actually understand to rant about. really, hasn’t he given enough of himself, that we might kick his flagrant ignorance around for sport? a man can only sacrifice but so much!
i’m his age, and was born and (for the most part) raised in N.VA. i currently live smack between DC & Richmond, with my office in Richmond. i know well the area he lives in. unfortunately, he’s a pretty good representative of the average (lightly hued) citizen of that locale. we always hope they’ll just be quiet, and no one will realize it’s part of the commonwealth. clearly, that approach isn’t working. a new, more effective method will need to be devised.
i also know, from personal, first-hand experience, he’s mostly full of crap. the area in question wouldn’t exist, as any kind of population center, were it not for the federal gov’t pumping money into the local economy, through Ft. Lee. my guess is that RICK VENEMA, COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA, either is directly employed by the federal gov’t, or is employed by a company (in either Petersburg or Richmond) that does a significant amount of business with the federal gov’t, either directly or indirectly.
They are real places. My eighth-grade teacher showed us her graduation announcement from Richland High School–their mascot was the Bombers and the announcement had an engraved mushroom cloud on it. Awesome.
Kennewick is also home to the ‘Hanford necklace,’ which I learned about in an environmental philosophy class. It freaked me out because my brother was playing junior hockey there for the Tri-City Americans at the time.
I just don’t want to deal with these people.
We need diversity of skin color, but not of thought.
Poor JenBob. Truly the Coulter to Venema’s Malkin, he now needs to pull out yet another crusty old sock puppet, desperate to bring the good times back.
This is Erik Loomis, saying Go Fuck Yourself Colonial Heights.
Really classy.
It’s the line from Anchorman [replacing "San Diego" with "Colonial Heights"]. He’s referring back to the basic quote of Venema’s original wacky letter.
Googling them and posting about what you find on your blog seems an interesting way to avoid them.
C’mon now.
Brad? This is JenBob posting, not Loomis. Was that actually not obvious?
It should have been. My apologies.
Pretty classic tactic there, pretending to be me.
But since we all know my role here is to promote JUCHE!!! why bother deleting a true comment.
since we all know my role here is to promote JUCHE!!
Then for fuck’s sake promote it.
You’d change your mind if you knew it was this Arby’s.
Wow, factual troll research into print media! OK, I’m on team Venema, on the grounds that any sufficiently advanced dumbass trollery is indistinguishable from Republicanism.
Belle Waring,
REPUBLIC OF SINGAPORE, SINGAPORE
Granted half of the place names in Philadelphia sound like you are hocking a loogie but I live in Germantown.
East Mount Airy, yo.
South Philly, yo.
We should have a meet-up at the High Point. Of course, that’s in WEST MOUNT AIRY which gets capitalized because it has way fewer drug dealers than our respective neighborhoods. (Although it depends on which part of South Philly you’re at Round Guy).
Not bad, but he’s no Floyd Alvis Cooper.
He’s not even a Gary Ruppert.
Now (the fact is…) THERE’S a name I haven’t heard in a while.
The fact is, Gary Ruppert was not a particularly inventive troll, but he sure was persistent.
Me, I miss Lonny Martello, just because I’d like to see “TEH FUCHING FERRETS” go to work on Mitt Romney, preferably somewhere not far from “RANTOUL ILLINOS.”
GANAW!!!
Obligatory.
I guess it depends on what your idea of a troll is. As a long-time Farker and general forum-jockey, I’m more used to the “incendiary” variety, so RICK VENEMA of COLONIAL HEIGHTS VIRGINIA seems less like a troll, and more like your average under-informed, mild-mannered buffle-head to me. His posts do have a certain amazing scripted and buzz-word property to them, however.
They’re faithfully transcribed from the Mark Levin comedy show and loosely adapted to Rick’s performance art.
TIM
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA
Agreed. Would a “troll” provide his name and town?
I get the sense that RICK VENEMA of COLONIAL HEIGHTS VIRGINIA just came here to offer his honest opinion to all the misguided “art” and “theater” college students (and other liberal college brats, studying useless subjects with other people’s money), hip-hop thugs, welfare queens, homosexuals, marijuana smokers, intellectual marxists, drunks, atheists, and other reprobate trash who read this site.
Through a process of elimination I discover that I am “reprobate trash.”
Well, okay, then!
(But other people are going to have to take those seats at the bottom of this barrel. I am GOODWILL quality trash, thank you very much.)
You’re saying that you are only one of those things? I don’t believe you. I’m good for at least five.
I was either 6 or 7, depending on, shall we say, qualifying thresholds.
You totally fucked up my afternoon btw. I spent it listing to Camper when I wanted to get some motion papers out. Fuck it, there’s always next week. Better band than I thought and Key Lime Pie is damn good, but I still prefer Kerosene Hat.
“marijuana smokers, intellectual marxists, drunks, atheists, and other reprobate trash…”
I won’t waste my time with anyone who is not at least three of these five.”
I’m pretty much all but “hip-hop thugs, welfare queens, homosexuals”, though the remainder depend very much on the threshold for qualification.
I think welfare queen is probably defined fairly broadly; did you get government-guaranteed student loans to go to college? And as for hip-hop thug, after lighting up a blunt, did you ever listen to the Chronic? Homosexual, eh, things are pretty clear there, although I’m willing to believe Rick would let you in just for making it to like second base. I’m a pretty clean living sort at the moment but I think I might have run the table in college. I’m still reprobate trash, though, and ain’t nobody can take that away from me.
i applaud you, not just for running the table of qualifiers, but admitting it as well.
I’m pretty much all but “hip-hop thugs, welfare queens, homosexuals”…
Nobody believe that.
Do you really want me count to see if you’ve written more posts about sasquatches or UFOs over the last months?
As a Virginian, I can say that (fairly or unfairly) Colonial Heights has the reputation of having one of the highest concentrations of racist assholes per square inch of any locality in the commonwealth. Once you said the guy was from there, I had a feeling (again fair or unfair, I know) that nothing good was about to follow.
Wow, this was an impressive amount of research. I woulda quit digging after noticing his last name rhymes with “enema.”
Huh huh. I said “enema.”
I don’t think typing “RICK VENEMA, COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA” into teh Google and scrolling down to the third or fourth is an impressive amount of research. The name is Dutch, BTW, and apparently fairly common, as you discover if you fail to add “COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA” to the search.
Well I’ve been thinking for awhile now that LGM needed a better class of trolls, and little Rickie certainly is an improvement over some of the Trolls you’ve had the last few months
Hit count off, Loomis?
I just want to point out that it was Wes Mantooth, not Veronica, who put the profanity on the teleprompter. C’mon!
No – it was Veronica after all. She admitted it to Ron in the bear pen – and then she woke up the bears with Ron’s yell.
[Clearly, I've seen this movie way too many times for my own health.]
My theory — It’s a bit like some strains of Himalayan Buddhism, where the soul of a lost Rimpoche is re-incarnated in some young person
When did Floyd R. Turbo die?
This guy’s good, but he’s no Bart DiPalma.
That said, I do hope Bart (who lives outside Colorado Springs) is OK and hasn’t lost his house to the fires.
He was still polluting Balkanization with his unique brand of right wing drivel yesterday
Wow, I’d forgotten all about Bart DiPalma, a troll’s troll truly*, then I’ve not read Balkanization much in some time.
*Taught Br/e/tt Bel/lm/or/e everything he knows
What you people call trolls, we called mission posters on USENET (aka newsgroups). A true troll was a wonderment in concise, lucid and incredibly inciting commentary. The objective was to use a just few words to create a massive response. Sadly these days what you consider trolls are just lame and could be reproduced using software.
Like the term hacker, people who do not understand the true usage have reassigned the definition.
The fuck you say?
As I said, could be produced with software.
In your day, did the trolls have to walk uphill in the snow both ways to carve their trolling missives into stone tablets?
Back in the day Trolls had to watch their backs to make sure HE wasn’t coming.
I resent not being mentioned on this thread. Even Dr.D disappoints.
Or course, I am not a troll. But that’s what makes me the greatest.
You are, indeed, the GREATEST.
Hmmm…there’s an Ali / Frazier dynamic at work here.
At least you have a supporter, at long last. You must feel proud, seeing how “sambo” can be counted upon to recognize the Real Racists – long-dead Democrats. Well done.
Just once, I’d like to see a troll reference John Ford, or Jean Renoir, or Orson Welles. You know, a good movie, and not just the usual ho hum pablum that can be quoted off-hand by any 7th grader.
I now find it impossible, when reading the phrase the “COLONIAL HEIGHTS, VIRGINIA”, not to do so in the voice that Dan Ackroyd used in the “FRED GARVIN, MALE PROSTITUTE” sketch.
I don’t know if you’ll read this because it is a ancient post in the Internet age, but this is by far the best blog post of the year. Erik, you are one of only 4 people whose writings I always look forward to reading every day.