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The LGM-Approved Republican Platform Plank


I think I can speak for all LGM writers in support of the Laurens County (SC) Republican Party and its pledge that it wants to demand of all Republican candidates:

You must favor, and live up to, abstinence before marriage.

You must be faithful to your spouse. Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender, and you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.

You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography.

I cannot think of a more successful strategy Republicans can take to ban anyone who has had premarital sex or looked at pornography from running for office moreover, I think it’s only consistent to apply the standards to all registered Republicans.

I strongly urge the national Republican Party to follow the brave leaders of South Carolina in making this a national platform plank.

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  • Warren Terra

    I cannot think of a more successful strategy Republicans can take to ban anyone who has .. looked at pornography from running for office

    Now, now, they’re not crazy. They’re cool with candidates who have in the past looked at pornography – so long as they never do it again.

    It also raises the question of what, to these people, constitutes pornography. The Sears-Roebuck Dream Book can be mighty racy.

    • DrDick

      This is just more of their brilliant strategy to broaden the appeal of the GOP, especially to younger voters. Sort of like banning birth control and abortions.

    • Lee

      I think this is actually more of a node towards pragmatism. Its probably a lot easier to find people that never had premarital sex than it is to find people who never watched porn.

  • Honorable ..Bob

    This just demonstrates that this county organization has feedom (so far).

    And while I don’t agree with them, I will always support their right to liberty, just as I will you and *YOUR* crazy ideas.

    • Morbo


      I bask in awe of this brilliance.

      • Get the LGM store on it NOW.

        • gocart mozart


      • McKingford

        What he meant to say was freeporn.

        • DrDick

          He was quoting his favorite president’s line about “feeance and peeance.”

      • Halloween Jack

        Feedom’s just another word for plenty left to loot.

    • Ed Marshall

      feedom isn’t free.

      • rea
      • Kyle

        Feedom isn’t fee.

        • Incontinentia Buttocks

          Feedom isn’t feee.

          The extra “e” is for extra fee.

    • Murc

      Not wanting to apply legal sanctions to these guys (which nobody here does) doesn’t stop us from mocking them as backwards.

      Which I will do.


    • Hey–Bob and I agree for once!

      We are both very happy the Republican Party has the freedom to commit suicide in this election cycle. ‘Merica!

      • DrDick

        I encourage them to pursue even more of these initiatives, so as to speed the demise of the Republican Party in a blaze of self-immolation.

    • Anonymous

      I will also support their right to liberty, provided that you tell me what the hell that means.

      • Scott Lemieux

        I support their right to free liberty.

        • DocAmazing

          And Collier’s. And half-price Saturday Evening Post.

        • Warren Terra

          While supplies last, of course.

        • Halloween Jack

          I support their right to free Willy.

      • Bill Murray

        shouldn’t that be libety

  • Mudge

    Damn..if I used those as criteria for friends..I’d have none.

    • DrDick

      Hell, I couldn’t even talk to myself.

  • SamR

    Does abstinence mean no sexual contact, or simply no intercourse?

    I for one thing they should mean the former. The latter seems like moral relativism gone wild.

    Also, anyone think that somebody at the meeting suggested adding “and must be of the same color” to “Your spouse cannot be a person of the same gender”?

    • Warren Terra

      Some things are so obvious (and incendiary) as not to require explicitly saying them.

    • Bart

      Abstinence applies only regarding sexual activity with a partner.

  • Out of curiosity, why is it ok for these paragons of virtue to have looked at pr0n before they sign the pledge?

    • rea

      Because if it wasn’t okay, they’d have no candidates left?

    • DocAmazing

      How about looking at porn while you sign the pledge with one’s non-dominant hand?

    • John

      I’d assume something along the lines of “Everyone is a sinner. What’s importance is repentance.”

  • Boy, you don’t want to find what I found while looking for ankle porn. Or maybe you do.

    Anyway, totally unfair, Republicans, as Rule 34 demonstrates that everything is porn to someone.

    • Halloween Jack

      Ginger ankle porn and knee-gasms! Oh me oh my.

  • McKingford

    I call for them to go further: the natural next step is to refuse the vote of any elector who has had pre-marital sex or looked at porn.

    • No, no – the next, painfully obvious, step is to pledge before God, Rush, and Country to never touch themselves in their naughty bits. Because that way lies Communism.

      • Ben


        • c u n d gulag

          I really don’t see what they’d have against masterbation?

          Aren’t the the party of rugged individualism?

          Onanism – The Party of One!

  • Peter

    Plank (noun): a thing you walk off before you drown.

    • Warren Terra

      Revised: A thing you’re invited to stand on before you drown.

  • MAJeff

    The Democrats are tricksy, getting Republicans to not talk about the economy.

    • Uncle Kvetch

      Stop making me hit myself! Stop making me hit myself!

  • bruce b

    Newt Gingrich took 41.8% of the vote in Laurens County, receiving more than twice the number of votes of any other candidate.

  • hylen

    Can you listen to pornography?

    • Warren Terra

      Rule 34, hylen, Rule 34.

      • hylen

        Understood, but I mean is it allowed in Laurens County? They can’t look at it, but can they listen to it?

        • I think you’ve found a loophole!

        • Halloween Jack

          shhh, don’t tell them about teledildonics. It’s all good as long as your partner doesn’t pass the Turing test.

    • Njorl


      • c u n d gulag

        On 45’s!

        No need for LP’s, since about 20 seconds is the Conservative threshold for holding an erection.
        And that’s for the rare time when someone else’s holding it for them.
        Alone, I’d say about 30.

  • Tehanu

    you are not allowed to favor any government action that would allow for civil unions of people of the same sex.

    So, not content with opposing gay marriage, they now come right out and say that they also oppose what they claimed was the correct alternative, civil unions. Why does anybody ever believe anything Republicans say?

    And of course this is from South Carolina, the original fount of Treason in Defense of Slavery.

    • Warren Terra

      You’re not being fair either to them (they’re proud of being bigots, and you were presuming they weren’t) or to principled proponents of civil unions. Not all proponents of civil unions are principled, of course, but I for one would be perfectly happy if the government got out of the “marriage” business and only recognized civil unions. Might even be my preferred alternative. Of course, so long as the government is “marrying” people, the government mustn’t be bigoted about who it “marries” – my support for civil unions isn’t an excuse to discriminate.

      • rea

        Opposing government involvement in the marriage business is all very well, but when the occasion for raising the subject is a discusion of marriage equality–well, then you are coming across just like those die-hard Jim Crow supporters of a few decades agao, who though integration of public swimming pools was a good time to rethink the whole concept of public swimming pools.

        • John

          Around the same time they also rethought the whole concept of public schools, iirc.

        • DrDick

          Opposing government involvement in the marriage business is all very well

          No, it is not. Marriage is and always has been a primarily civil institution involved with the assignment of legal rights and privileges. It remains just that in a majority of the world’s cultures. The Christian church did not get involved in the marriage business at all until the 12th century and did not make it a sacrament until the 15th century.

          • Njorl

            So churches should sanction “religious unions”, and leave marriages to the government.

            My wife and I had our marriage, then our wedding 11 months later.

            • DrDick


    • John

      I’m pretty sure that this kind of Republican has never claimed civil unions are the correct alternative. That’s more of a Democrat/establishment Republican game.

      • MAJeff

        Sure, it’s an “establishment republican” position if you count the establishment as the three remaining Republicans in Massachusetts.

        • Njorl

          First of all, gays shall have civil unions, not marriages. Second of all, there shall be no civil unions.

          (Based on the “sweat” vs. “perspire” joke)

  • ploeg

    You must never, ever, ever hike the Appalachian Trail.

    • Njorl

      The Appalachian Trail is still not as bad as the Hershey Highway.

  • Halloween Jack

    You cannot now, from the moment you sign this pledge, look at pornography the internet.

    I would seriously love to be the “computer security expert” for any fool tool who signs this thing. I could make a mint scrubbing their hard drives of evidence of what they’d been looking at. Of course, I’d have to ghost their hard drives first just as a precaution…

  • Wait. So I can have an affair with another man?

  • Bill Murray

    if one is not considering marriage, can sex be considered pre-marital?

    • Lee

      I like this, its very lawyerly.

  • wengler

    I think this post presumes that people(not just Republicans) are honest about their own behavior.

    A fair portion of this country still thinks ‘teaching abstinence’ is a relevant answer when discussing public health.

  • hickes01

    I’m out. God bless the Internet.

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