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Further Notes From the Conservative Murder of Parody

[ 29 ] March 1, 2011 |

Perhaps after this, they can add some spermatozoa-Americans from a used condom to the witness list.

The scary thing is that, as Helena Silverstein’s book reported, calling fetuses as a witness has been done in judicial bypass hearings too.  American political life is like being trapped in a satirical novel that’s a little too heavy-handed.

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  • Malaclypse

    It would be wrong to suggest we are entering a new Dark Ages.

    • Brad P.

      I smell a compromise.

      All of the moral crusaders can try sinners in church. It is on the sinner to represent himself. If he doesn’t show up or is found guilty, then moral crusaders can call down whatever biblical curse they want.

      It works out for everyone.

  • Joe

    Somewhat silly bit of theater. If the matter was prenatal health, I can see something similar being done. The “fetus” isn’t really testifying, of course. From the p.o.v. of the other side, there is a certain logic to it, actually.

  • hv

    A fetus has been scheduled as a legislative witness in Ohio on a unique bill that proposes outlawing abortions after the first heartbeat can be

    medically

    detected.

    (emphasis added)

    Funny, they love medical science when it can detect the heartbeats. But when determining viability or the optimum procedure to abort, suddenly medical science is not to be heard.

    I propose an amendment truer to the spirit of this legislation: no abortions past the date that christian science can detect a fetal heartbeat. I’m sure Faith2Action will accept this friendly suggestion, as it ratchets up the role of faith.

    • DocAmazing

      Bad idea. Through the Power of Faith, one can detect fetal heartmeats in the uterii of women who are not even pregnant!

      The ways of the Lord are mysterious indeed.

      • Malaclypse

        If we throw her in the water, and she drowns, then there was no heartbeat, and she was innocent, and can receive Christian burial. If she floats, she is pregnant, and must produce a healthy offspring or be burned as a harlot.

        • elm

          There’s a much simpler way. Just put her on a scale: if she weighs as much as a duck, she’s a witch, and must be burned. If she weighs more than a duck, it must be because she’s pregnant, and can be burned as a murderer if no baby is born. No water needed and we get the fun of burning her.

          • Hogan

            And if she weighs less than a duck, we build a bridge out of her.

            • Spokane Moderate

              Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

    • ahunt

      May I please copy this over at RHrealitycheck? I almost peed myself.

      • Scott Lemieux

        Of course!

        • ahunt

          Done, and thank you so much…best guess is that this will become a source of amusement for a great many people. Thanks again.

  • joe from Lowell

    This would seem to be a massive own-goal by the anti-choicers.

    A fetal heartbeat can be detected weeks, months, before a woman even begins to show.

    Pulling this stunt is going to highlight the fact that the bill proposed to ban abortions even very, very early in pregnancy, and make its supporters look like a bunch of extremist wackos.

    An impression that will be furthered by the actual mechanics of pulling off the stunt.

    They’re going to make themselves look like wackos both in terms of their image and their policy.

    A really, really stupid move by the anti-choicers.

    • BigHank53

      They’re not exactly the sharpest tools in the shed, in case you hadn’t noticed. Determined, though–I’ll grant them that.

    • Hogan

      Apparently Faith2Action is the group summoning the fetus to testify, in favor of a bill that is opposed by abortion-rights groups *and* by Ohio Right to Life. So yeah, this is the creme de la crazy here.

  • rea

    “Fetus Held in Contempt-Refused to Answer Questions”

    • RobW

      “Fetus Listens to an Hour of Faith2Life’s Testimony, Aborts Self.”

  • p joe

    The anti-women proponents are merely trying to upstage the pro-working-stiff demonstrators who have been getting way too much face time on the teevee to the detriment of their sacred fertilized eggs.

  • Eh, this is just legal silliness.

    God has been called as a witness in over a thousand American court cases over the last two centuries and that hardly makes headlines.

    • Warren Terra

      Do you have a cite for that? Did he ever appear?

      • mds

        No, but his opposite number apparently once appeared in a New Hampshire court proceeding.

  • gocart mozart

    I was a guardian ad litum for a fetus once. The circumstances were a bit different. It was a divorce case and the husband swore he wasn’t the father of his pregnant wife’s future issue. I recommended a paternity test once the child was born as being in the best interest of the child. The child should know her real father is. This was eventually done and the ex-husband was in the clear for future child support. Not the same case I know but sometimes it makes sense.

  • Jay B.

    I’ll jerk off in a sock and vote twice.

    • BigHank53

      You’re thinking small: try voting 10,000,000 times.

      • Davis X. Machina

        That would require jerking off into a sock in Chicago…

  • dan

    Will perjury charges be brought against the fetus if it testified falsely? And what happens if the fetus turns out to be pro-choice?

  • John Emerson

    A very distant relative of mine was hanged for matricide on the basis of testimony about communications from his mother’s ghost in a dream.

    http://www.amazon.com/Killed-Strangely-Death-Rebecca-Cornell/dp/0801440025

  • Since the witness is at nine weeks’ gestation, it’s technically an embryo…if it shows up to testify as a fetus will it be on the hook for perjury?

    • Joe

      Pet peeve of mine: “fetus” is usually used when talking about abortion even though a “fetus” often isn’t present when it occurs. In fact, more likely than not, it isn’t.