Home / Robert Farley / A Dry America is a Weak America

A Dry America is a Weak America


This is a national disgrace:

It is obvious that our national honor must be restored; we cannot allow an alcohol gap to persist. My question to the resident constitutional scholars is this: Would it be legal for Congress to mandate a minimum level of alcohol consumption for every American, in order to remedy our shame?

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  • elm

    Are you justifying the mandate based on interstate commerce, public health, or national security grounds? Clearly, under the Bush view of the presidency that Obama has largely continued, the government can do anything as long as they claim national security interests.

    • DrDick

      I think we should proceed on all of those grounds to further our patriotic duty not to loose the great 21st century challenge to American democracy.

  • strategichamlet

    South Korea is the most surprising entry on the map to me. They out drink Italy, Spain, Australia, and Sweden? That’s some national pride right there.

    • Tom Renbarger

      They do love their soju and makgeolli in South Korea.

    • djw

      I’ve never been to South Korea, myself, but I know a few people who’ve spent some time there, and they’ve told some impressive tales.

    • Morbo
      • Halloween Jack

        There’s something fairly disturbing about almost exclusively American/European people posing with passed-out Koreans. “Hey, we’re the Expats! This is what we do on weekends.”

  • lige

    I’m doing my part.

    • Kurzleg

      Me too!

  • Coupled with mandatory possession and carrying of firearms, these mandates would surely guarantee national greatness lasting into the next century.

    • Vance Maverick

      No mandatory firing?

    • wengler

      Finland has the laxest gun laws in Europe and they seem to be doing their part.

      • Jonathan

        “Like a dwarf among midgets.”

  • Jamie

    Wow, I do 12.5 liters a week, and i still can’t help the average out.

    I don’t think there’s any way to save this nation. I’m becoming Russian asap.

    • Anonymous

      droping the legal drinking age to 11 or may be 8 will help

  • KC45s

    In my experience, it is going to take a big commitment indeed to outdrink Russians.

    • witless chum

      We beat them to the moon.

      • mark f

        And that’s why they went broke.

        • BigHank53

          Us too, in case you hadn’t noticed.

          • Halloween Jack

            Yeah, but we got the moon rocks. Also, our science fiction TV shows are better, so that makes it totally worth it.

  • Vance Maverick

    The unsung hero here is the graphic designer who decided that 12.5 should be an order of (visual) magnitude bolder than 10. Clearly a proselytizing member of my beloved Fermentation Tribe, not of those weenies in the Boiling/Steeping Tribe.

  • RepubAnon

    The problem is Budweiser – if all the Bud drinkers switched to Olde English 800, we’d reverse the trend.

    I’m also not seeing WHEN the numbers were gathered… I’ll bet President Palin or President Gingrich could turn these numbers around as well (by driving rational people to drink). Only real problem would be that if either of those two won, it’d be a strong indication that there aren’t very many rational people in the country.

    President Mitt Romney would, of course, outlaw alcohol and caffeinated drinks…

    • Jonathan

      2003-05. It’s in the fucking legend.

  • GusA

    From the map, it looks like the Sahara Desert is parched in more ways than one.

    • chris

      And, in general, that there is surprisingly little hypocritical drinking in majority-Muslim countries. Maybe religion does occasionally do some good.

      • Steve-o

        Kazakhstan has us beat.

      • Jay B.

        Uh, yeah. At least our horrifying record when it comes to abusing women can be partly attributable to substance abuse. What’s their excuse? God made me hit her?

  • Manju

    We’re only drinking 5-7.49 liters per person per day? Thats like “before breakfast” for Winston Churchill.

  • wengler

    By the way that John Boehner looked and sounded in that “save the babies” press conference, it looks like he’s doing his part.

  • owlbear1

    Better yet, Don’t engage in ANY political activities (i.e. voting, donations, volunteering, etc.) and you don’t have to pay any taxes.

    Or maybe we could return to the days when only landowners could vote?

  • C.S.

    As a friend of Mexico, I have to exhort them to get off of their collective asses as well and show a bit of national pride for the land of tequila. If we pull together, compadres, and if we drag along those godless Canadians who seem to have forgotten that their entire national economy floats on a sea of Seagrams, then we can restore pride not just to the U.S., but to all of Norte America. Who’s with me, hermanos?

  • AWH

    As someone who lives in Sri Lanka and has traveled extensively, there is absolutely no way the small dot off the southeast corner of tip of temperate India shouldn’t be bright red. It is by far the hardest drinking place among the 40+ countries I’ve visited extensively, which include Russia, Italy, France, the UK and Ireland.

  • bill

    I wanna know what’s up with no data from Greenland. What are they hiding up there? Are they embarrassed or just too drunk to answer? What? Oh.

    • strategichamlet

      They also don’t show Antarctica which would be completely off scale.

      • BigHank53

        I see you’ve encountered the purchase limits at the McMurdo commissary.

  • gocart mozart

    It beats the hell out of a broccoli mandate I must say.

  • The National Alcohol Slurping Association (NASA) must gather teams of high performing drinkers from around the country and make a determined effort to catch up to the Russkies. Not because it is the easy thing to do…

    • rea

      But after all, why does Rice play Texas?

      • ajay

        …because it’s an excuse to get drunk after the game?

  • Anonymous

    Bit of a surprise to see Australia in the second-place category.

    • chris

      They’re counting by volume of alcohol, I think, not by volume of beverage that contains some alcohol. Drinking beer is handicapping yourself in that sort of competition (especially if it’s weak beer, which probably accounts for the US’s low standing; I don’t know how strong Australian beers are in general).

  • MAJeff

    I wonder what it would be if they broke down the US by state. I bet we North Dakotans could give Russia a run for their money. (There’s nothing else here to do but drink.)

  • the only real surprise for me is iceland. i’ve never been there but i’ve seen the film “reykjavik 101” and everyone who i know who has visited says the locals basically do nothing but drink from friday night until about an hour before they go to work on monday.

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  • Halloween Jack

    Once Scott Walker in Wisconsin enacts his secret plan to balance the state budget–lowering the drinking age to 18–we’ll catch up in no time.

  • Hogan

    Uncle Sam wants YOU to have another cocktail.

  • David B.

    What’s with Norway?

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  • Anonymous

    Okay, but seriously, isn’t it kind of skewed by the fact that it’s for people aged 15+, and our drinking age is 21? I imagine we’d be redder if we just looked at people age 21+.

  • gazza

    I’d be interested to see a similar world map but showing use of prescription drugs. Anyone seen anything like that?

  • Fucking pussies, I started drinking straight whiskey out of a water glass when I was ten years old, forty one years ago.

  • sexyfacialhair

    Robert Farley, you are an idiot.

  • Is it just me, or is Ireland a slightly darker shade of red than the rest of Europe?

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