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Worst American Birthdays, vol. XV


Born in Utah and raised for much of her life in Homer, Alaska, Jewel Kilcher inflicted extraordinary damage upon the world when she traded her anonymous life of bar-yodeling for an overly-earnest career in the music industry.

Perhaps, like Monica Goodling, she “intended” no harm; her artistic crimes, however, are legion — and none more so than the several bathetic volumes of “poetry” she has managed to publish, each of which has single-handedly reversed the evolution of verse by at least three millennia. Mercifully, her latest writing project — a collection of diary entries and poems about her boyfriend, seven-time rodeo champion Ty Murray — was derailed because she feared that Murray’s mother would be disturbed by the book’s erotic revelations about her son. If a just God exists, such a collection will never gurgle its way into print.

We might just as easily select the “worst” of Jewel’s poems by tossing darts at a wall papered over with her adolescent bilge. For my money, however, nothing can out-suck a brief meditation on plantation rape written by a white woman who shacks up with a rodeo superstar:

Burn her eyes, without hope of understanding them.
Kiss her mouth, that you may fathom its strange tongue.
Indulge in her brown skin because it reminds you of mother.
Rape her mind, because it is not your own,
but so sweet, so familiar.
Like coming home to a native land
your pale and inbred hands can only faintly fathom.

Jewel turned 33 today, and the odds are good that she wrote an awful poem about it.

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  • redwoods

    Christ, that was cruel in the worst way.

    • Scott Lemieux

      I know–Noon really should apologize to Monica Goodling.

  • djw

    This comment thread is a real loss. It was fascinating to learn the internets were full of people very, very, concerned about Jewel’s feelings.

  • davenoon

    Maybe we can get everyone who participated to come back and duplicate their comments.

  • Yeah, this really was one of my favorite comment threads of all time. To reiterate the legion of the insane–Jesus fucking Christ Dave, Jewel is just giving her art to the world. It makes people feel better! What’s wrong with you asshole?

    Does that pretty much sum up the opposition as it were?

    • Tom Renbarger

      Is there room for a “Stop it! Leave Jewel alone!” in the reconstruction?

    • davenoon

      That pretty much does it. There were several people who accused me of discouraging aspiring artists from finding their voices — a charge to which I can only happily plead guilty.

    • Malaclypse

      If the redirect on the old blog were to be taken off, are the comments still there?

      • davenoon

        No, sadly. I think when we went off JS-Kit, the comments were collaterally destroyed. Someone else probably has a better technical explanation, but that’s what I’m guessing…

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    • busker type

      holy fuck.

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