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Everybody calm down right now or else

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All the Democratic candidates for president are terrible. They are all terrible because it’s so easy to see how each of them could lose to Trump. In fact, if you focus on that question, that’s ALL you will see about any of them.

Let’s do this thing:

Biden: Old, tired, confused, ran two disastrous campaigns for president when he was younger and sharper, won’t inspire progressives or young voters, not a wartime consigliere, I mean come on, you think THIS GUY has what it takes to take on Reality TV fascism? Look what they’ve done to his son already! And he just pretty much just sits there and takes it.

Bernie: I have a great idea: Let’s run a shouty Brooklyn Jew who literally claims to be a socialist — the single worst thing you can claim to be if you want to be elected president of the United States, other than an atheist, which oh by the way he’s that too! Great, we get the Park Slope Zizek vote for sure. And oh yeah, he’s even older than Biden. Good thing he didn’t just have a heart attack or something.

Buttigieg: Makes Biden and Bernie look like Johnny Unbeatable. Is this some kind of joke? He’s 12, he’s gay, his electoral experience consists of getting 8,000 votes to become mayor of the single most depressing town in the USA. Also too, the lefties are just going to love a McKinsey consultant. I love a man in uniform but come on.

Bloomberg: Just think of that Allen Iverson press conference where he keeps saying “we’re talking about practice” over and over, except substitute Bloomberg for practice.

Warren: All Hillary’s demographic baggage plus the Indian nonsense, plus even stupider stuff about how she charged a client for legal services a few times. A capitalist client no less. Apparently nobody wants to vote for her for some reason. It should happen but it’s not happening so forget it Jake.

You get the idea. Every one of these candidates has serious potential flaws in the general because EVERY CANDIDATE has serious potential flaws. Because they’re human beings, not LARP fantasy figures.

And the problem is losing to Trump is not an acceptable option. Can’t happen. So none of these candidates is the right candidate because they have serious flaws so they could lose, and that can’t happen. So everyone is freaked out right now, and instantly focuses on how what can’t happen could very much happen if X is the candidate.

But the problem aren’t these particular candidates — not really. The problem is that when American political system combines with the contemporary American media environment and then the two of them meet the American voter, you get Donald Trump as president. That’s the problem. And that problem isn’t going away, unless we stop freaking out and do everything we can to make it go away, temporarily, no matter who gets the nomination. All of them could lose but all of them could also win, and if you think any of these people can’t win you’re just panicking. Don’t panic.

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