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“We’re Under Attack”

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Yesterday at roughly 4:45pm EDT, viewers of the mobile LGM site found themselves redirected to a “Raunchy Pics” porn website. This situation persisted for roughly an hour and a half before a Special Cyber Force team was able to regain control of the site. We at LGM condemn this vicious assault, and apologize for our inability to accord our readers the protection from pornography they expect and so richly deserve.

Analysts quickly began to speculate about the source of the attacks. Given the dearth of hard evidence, it would be irresponsible not to conclude that Crooked Timber is to blame. In the unlikely event that it is not directly to blame, then they are surely to blame in some sort of atmospheric way.

"Foot-Ball"

In addition to this concrete speculation, we have evidence from a Crooked Timber defector (code name “Foot-ball”).  The precise intelligence provided by this defector is classified; however, it’s fair to say that his testimony has substantially confirmed everything we believe and would like to believe about the source of the attacks.

The demands of the War Party are as follows:

 

 

  • Crooked Timber shall provide indisputable proof that it did not launch, did not consider launching, and would never think about launching such an attack.  It shall also offer proof that it did not find the attack “funny” or “amusing” in any way.
  • Crooked Timber shall provide indisputable proof that it has dismantled all of its weapons of mass porn diffusion.
  • Crooked Timber shall reveal location of the hidden rebel base.
  • Crooked Timber shall suppress any publication which incites to hatred and contempt of the Austrian Monarchy.
  • Crooked Timber shall turn over all information associated with “Project Genesis.”
  • Crooked Timber shall withdraw from Sherman’s Planet, Organia, Donatu V ,Neural, Capella IV, the Archanis sector, and the Tellun system.
  • Crooked Timber shall supply Phil Leotardo with any and all information necessary to the apprehension of Tony Blundetto.

Failure to comply will result in steps being taken, although the precise nature of these steps is currently classified.

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