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“He Wasn’t Rabid!”

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If this doesn’t find its way into the Top Gun 2 script, I’m gonna cry:

Former Rep. Randy (Duke) Cunningham, R-Calif., who in 2005 pleaded guilty to accepting more and larger bribes than any other member of Congress in history, has appealed to the judge who sentenced him to help him regain his gun rights when he leaves prison.

In a remarkable May 2 letter to U.S. District Judge Larry Burns in San Diego, Cunningham said he needs guns for the ex-con life he plans in a secluded cabin in the Ozarks—far away from Southern California and Washington, where his corruption made history. He said he will use the guns for hunting and fishing to feed himself. He also claimed he needs firearms to make money in sporting competitions and to protect himself from rabid cougars.

“I plan to live in a small cabin near Greer’s Lake and write my books, several I have finished in prison,” he wrote in the rambling letter, adding, “I competed nationally in trap, sheet [sic] and sporting clays would rather be in the woods hunting and fishing than anything else. I will live in a very remote part of Arkansas and not much threat from people but they do have a lot of black bears, cougars, and history of rabies.” Greers Ferry Lake, in the foothills of the Ozarks, is noted for its large walleye and striped bass and its duck and waterfowl hunting…

He also made a pointed reference to his former status as a naval aviator and the only Navy ace in the Vietnam War. In arguing he should be allowed to carry guns when he is out of prison, Cunningham wrote: “I flew aircraft that could disintegrate your building with a half second burst and now can’t carry a 22 cal. Pls help me your honor. I don’t have much left but this little thing is a big thing for me.”

Imagine Maverick, Ice, and a rehabilitated Cougar seeking wisdom at a scary backwoods cabin inhabited by a scraggly, heavily armed Tom Skerritt. Things go well until Viper goes crazy and blows Cougar away with a shotgun. “He wasn’t rabid!” cries Maverick, as Cougar dies in his arms.

This stuff writes itself.

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